Mog Soldiersby Del S
Chapter 1Chapter One: A weekend gone to the dogs.
One Month Later- Hills of Narshe
A horse-and-wagon trundled hastily along a mountain path. Upon reaching a certain bridge, it stopped, and the six soldiers in the back leapt out, the sergeant screaming his orders as the cart turned around and left.
The six soldiers dashed into the treeline, carrying crossbows with red-coloured bolts.
"I want a clear dump zone lads!" yelled the sergeant. One man paused, produced an axe from his backpack, and started to cut down a tree.
"No, Berry, you thick git! Make sure nothing not on our side is around!"
"We're under attack, Sarge?! Oh gawd!" the incompetent Berry cried, and produced a grenade.
"Fire in the hole!" Luckily, no one trusted him with actual explosives, so the toy clattered away harmlessly.*
"Bloody Nora... Berry, we are not under attack, we never were, and probably never will be(1)."
"Cos my grenade scared them off, Sarge!"
"No, your low IQ did that. Now shut the feck up and aim your bloody crossbow."
Berry did so.
"Not at Spruce's arse!"
"This is utter bone, Sarge," Said Balloon, another soldier
"Balloon, it may be bone, but we're here anyway."
"Utter pish this. I'm missing the footy for this," one other, Joey said.
"Joe, shut it, Figaro'll probably kick our arses as usual," The Sarge said.
"And this isn't?" Balloon said.
"You lot might be the death of me someday..." the sergeant muttered.
"Anyway, Blooper, look at the maps while we sync watches. Half past is coming up in five, four..."
"Ah shit, Sarge, I've left me watch in the pawn shop again. " Said Balloon.
"Oh for fu... here, borrow mine."
"Cheers. Er, what about you?"
"Don't worry, I'll count the clicks of my clockwork arse instead."
The Sergeant walked over to Blooper.
"Well, we're here by the giant red x on the map, and here, here, and here are points we can get through. This ones a gully, it'll be patrolled, but if we wait till night, we can get through, find their camp, and nick the Mountain Ranger's wallets," Blooper said.
"Capital, mate. Look, I know you think it was a bit crap you failing selection but the squad needed you. Just be patient: maybe kicking their arse up here will convince them to let you in. Anyway, come on ladies, lets move it out, and remember: just cos we have rubber darts, don't mean we think happy thoughts."
"Oh, I don't have rubber darts Sarge" Said Berry, waving the bow.
"Er, yeah, about that, Berry, my bow is, er, too light, yours looks heavier, swap?"
The squad marched off, seeing nothing, not even their opponents in this exercise, Mountain Rangers. However, the Rangers saw them.
"Signal base. Flock is in the field," said Cryan.
"You mean fold, sir?"
The squad halted for a short time-wasting exercise
"Some odd tales about this place. People come up, and don't come back," Blooper said.
"Those stories go about everywhere," Joey said.
"Nah, for real. Last month, young couple came up, and the mountain rescue team just found the tent ripped to shreds, blood in the shape of a 100 feet by 50 feet rectangle divided in two down the long end, with a spot in the middle... come to think of it, it was just a football pitch marked in blood with guts for goals. Locals say it was an escaped lunatic, but they say it might have been a monster or even a disgruntled group of Scotland fans."
The squad rolled out soon after they stopped puking and scanning the trees for telltale tartan...
It was now dark, and the squad had camped. So far, no "enemy" wallets had been liberated.
"What are you most afraid of, Spruce?" asked Balloon.
"Bad fanfic writers who seek painful ends to one-named characters for a cheap laugh."
"Tch, you're just taking the piss. Joe?"
"Penalty shoot-outs," replied Joe
"Getting caught in the crossfire of a Penalty shootout," said the nice-but-dim squaddie
"Squirrels. And Women. And Squirrel-Women."
"How about you Sarge?" Balloon pressed on.
"Nowt scares Sarge!" said Berry.
"I dunno about that. One time, night just like this, Jeddy Coswald, old mate of mine, and me were out on patrol when a chocobo walked up, and attracted a bunch of monsters. Including a flying cow. So we shot the cow down, it died, so we cooked it and ate it. I had the squits for a fortnight."
"A Flying cow?!"
"Yep" At that, a dead cow landed on the campfire.
"Just like that, actually. Except the cow we shot actually had wings," said the Sarge as Berry stabbed it.
"Ain't you scared Sarge?" asked Balloon
"Well, no, I was only five at the time that happened, and besides, I already ate," Said Sarge.
"Er, what happened to Jeddy?"
"Moved to Vector a while back. Hear he's doing well..."
"Coswald! Your platoon is to attack the dozy-looking woman with green hair standing over there!" screamed Kefka.
"Why, Sir?" Asked Jeddy.
"Oh come on, you're fifty magitek soldiers, she wont bite!" Said Kefka
"Okay then... AAAAARGH!" Coswald screamed
"Ooh, blimey, arse blood and guts everywhere, Kefka!" Gesthal said
"Yep. Speaking of Arse, hers isn't too bad neither. Phwooar!" Kefka said.
"Help me!" screamed a soldier
"No!" said Gesthal.
Back in Narshe, a shard of smoking metal with ‘Vector Army' on it landed behind the trees the squad was in front of. The men simply failed to note its existence.
"Wait a tick, sarge, five?!" Joe asked
"Yep. They recruited young back when I joined up."
"Course not, my old sarge, he was barely out of nappies. Crazy chap was Sergeant Cuddles. Always a hit with the ladies mind you if he said goo-goo..."
The squad moved out, heading up the hill to investigate where the cow may have came from.
"Bleeding to death, it could have wandered around for miles," Spruce said.
"Nice of it to leave us a trail then," Sarge said.
"You can't think of investigating this just now, Sarge!" Joe said
"I'm not. However, its on our way, and I'm curious," Sarge claimed
"Its one way of putting it, Sir..."
"Pardon me, Berry?"
Along the trail, they found chunks of meat.
"Well, lads. Either it was ‘natural' causes, or there's a sloppy butcher near here..."
Five Hours Earlier
In the forest, Cryan stood, Revolver at the ready, looking at the moonlight forest carefully.
A twig snapped behind him, so he turned quickly, but nothing. Then he heard it. Running, through the trees...
Then he saw the tall shape, with its fat stomach, run head first into a tree with an unusual growl. He shot at it before it stood back up.
Sadly, it's chum wasn't too happy at this, and , looking through its eyes at a surprisingly brightly lit grey world, charged the Captain, who turned, and the muzzle flare of the revolver flashed brightly in the creatures vision for a second as the bullet impacted, and then its claws were raised and...
The blood sprayed across the nearby rocks.
*or so it would appear, but it rolled onto the road, where it was stood on by a passing Chocobo, which threw its rider into a strange magical portal and the rider went back in time, and landed on Kefka's head whilst he was five years old, and the brain damage made the young Kefka suffer schizophrenia. And when the voices told him to poison Doma, THAT'S when it technically hurt somebody. Goes to show everything's lethal if fate feels like a laugh.
1- Boy, did he feel silly about saying that a day later!