Ultima Farceby Del S
Chapter 1 (2005)
Chapter 2 (2005)
Chapter 3 (2005)
Chapter 4 (2005)
Lower Sector Five barracks, 9:24AMish (clock stopped so we're waiting for the teletext to get the right time.)
Soldiers walked out of their barracks, their blue uniforms starched and clean, and boarded two Personnel Carriers.
A captain spoke to a lieutenant.
"These men... every one of them loyal?"
"Yes sir," replied the officer.
"Of course sir. Our enemies did tell us: train them to be loyal to the man above..."
"Very good. We should be able to do this then. In, and out, with the drugs and the research."
The personnel carriers trundled off, heading for sector six.
The captain and his assistant got into a red car, an expensive-looking SX-2 four-door, and the captain immediately grabbed a radio.
"Hear this, team. This is Captain Hossceler. We've just driven off towards our payday. The plan is unchanged. Team One is still to gain entry to the pharmacy, and steal the medicinal cocaine and cannabis. Team Two, led by myself, will meanwhile breach the research wing, whilst teams three and four are to go on overwatch, and delay the police."
"Yes, Lieutenant Von Kess?" Hossceler said.
"That radio isn't on."
He repeated the speech.
The two carriers and one car drove along the roads of Midgar, towards the University of Midgar Sector Six Medical Campus. The SSMC was not just a research hospital, but also an ordinary hospital. It had a busy Accident and Emergency ward, and also a large surgery team.
It also had atrocious parking space, forcing team one and two to park their APC on a green two-door.
Its owner ran over to his ruined vehicle.
"What the hell are you doing?! My car!"
A soldier jumped out, and smashed him in the face with his short rifle.
"My teeth!" said the man.
As of yet, no one was suspicious. Soldiers arriving to arrest people at any place were not too uncommon. Team one stormed into the pharmacy. A Nurse met them at the reception.
"Let us in. We're here to take some drugs."
"On whose authority?" she said, calmly.
"Mr Peacemakers," said the trooper.
"I'm afraid that doesn't work. And anyway, I've triggered the alarm," she said, and took a nail file out from her bag.
"...Pardon?" the trooper aiming the rifle said.
"I said I triggered the alarm," the nurse said, filing her nails.
"BRIAN! Just leave her, we need to get those drugs NOW!" said another soldier.
"Don't you know I could shoot you dead?!"
"Well, yes, I suppose you could but then the police might shoot you."
"The ones that are based here all the time."
As if on cue, five officers of the Midgar City Police Department entered, their red overcoats open, and pistols drawn. The nurse ducked.
"POLICE! FREEZE!" screamed a police officer
"ARMY! WILL WE BOLLOCKS!" said the one know as Brian.
And then the shooting and the screaming began...
Outside, teams three and four stood in their combat formations, startled by the gunfire from inside. A police car suddenly screeched into the hospital car park, and was greeted by Squad Machine Gun fire.
Captain Hossceler swore as he heard the report of the GPMGs. Even inside, and a good hundred meters away, the machine guns were unmistakable as anything but what they were. By now, the fact there was a 'battle' between what was officially, the Midgarian Army (in reality, the Shin-Ra army) and the Midgar City Police Department (In reality, exactly that) would lead to even the slowest of civilians realising something untoward was occurring.
"Shit. Well, it looks like we'll have to be fast, lads," The crooked captain grinned, and drew his handgun.
The team then kicked in the door to a doctor's office. Before the shocked man could respond, Hosscelers pistol was in his face.
"Where are the research papers to project jester?"
Hossceler shot him in the leg.
"AAGH!" the doctor screamed.
"Do you expect some kind of sick warning to get me to comply?"
"No, I was expecting to hit your testicles but I though I was going to sneeze so my aim went off a bit."
"Well, I have no idea. Try doctor King across the corrido-"
Before he had finished, he had been shot in the face.
Doctor King did not comply, and soon also lay dead.
The next doctor however, handed over the papers.
The soldiers left.
"That was lucky. I'm still alive!"
Outside, a police officer hit the gunner of an APC with a lucky pistol shot. The gun cradle swung towards the office windows of the R & D annex, the dying trooper's hand firing the .50 machine gun .
The lucky doctor promptly screamed in terror, wetting himself, as bullets riddled the office. The terror subsided, and he realised he was unharmed.
Outside again, a police officer aiming a gas grenade launcher was shot, and his grenade shot off... Into the doctors office.
The doctor cringed, and then the grenade fizzled.
"I am unkillable! But I'm moving just in case..." He finally decided.
Meanwhile, in the pharmacy, Team one moved in, having just shot the last officer down. Only three of six troopers who had entered were still alive, however.
"Okay, grab the drugs, FAST!" Brian told the other two.
At that, the police anti-barricade team that was always on the hospital (mainly to get students to lectures in time) burst in, submachine guns aimed. The startled trio turned, blazing with their rifles, and gunned one Policeman down, but the remaining officers fire took the three troopers down.
Hossceler and his team exited the R & D annex, and ran towards an APC.
"Where are team one?" said Hossceler, to its driver.
"Don't know, sir!"
"Well, it seems the boys in red are deciding to pull back..." Hossceler deduced.
He tried to hail them via comms, but no response.
"Team three, go find out what's keeping them."
A soldier from team three ran towards that door, and the police officers inside spotted him. He dived back as the policemen shot at him.
"Oh CRAP!" said the trooper.
"There's coppers in there, sir!" he said.
"No prizes for that, soldier," Hossceler said, opening a small crate in the back of the APC.
From it, he pulled a long cylindrical object.
"After the bang, team three, go in, and get the drugs," Said the Officer, and fired the missile at the entrance.
The "lucky " doctor looked at the police, and was thankful. Then he saw the missile streaking in the door... and slamming into the reception desk. It was the last thing he saw, as the blast knocked over the locker beside him, which fell on him and broke his neck. The shrapnel of the blast neutralised the police officers, and as the smoke and dust settled, the nurse stood up, wiped dust of the desk, and resumed filing her nails.
The captain smiled as he saw the team move in, and called back team four. As the defences retreated, the police cam around the corner in large numbers, and in via the sky: the police helicopter launching CS gas from its nose launcher.
"Do we have any more of those captain?" asked lieutenant Von Kess
"Not enough, I'm afraid, Rupert," the captain said.
He still put another missile in the launcher.
"Still, we can get rid of that bloody helicopter."
He took aim. The pilot took no notice.
"OI BIRDY! STOP POOPING ON ALL THESE CARS!" And the missile flew off into the sky.
It stopped at the helicopter, where it went off.
And what landed on the cars cannot have been poopy, as it was on fire, and made of helicopter.
"I think we should go and defend the drug store, everyone. Let's move," said the captain, as the soldiers pulled their gear, some hostages, and themselves, into the building. A few more rocket shots into cars, and the police decided to instead surround the building.
It was now 10:05 AM, and at that moment, a phone rang in Upper Sector Three base.
"Crimson Troop! You got one!" screamed the telephonist.
"I really wish she wouldn't act like we enjoy this," Said Silias to Jamie.
"OOH GOODY! Bad men go boom!" said Filby.
"Go boom?! YAY!" Cried the rest of the team.
"Uh..." Jamie said.
"Look, kid, shut it. They do this every single time. Every bloody time, these crazy gits smile when stabbing people. If I didn't get paid so much, and enjoy it myself, I'd have left ages ago."