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Ultima Farce

by Del S

Chapter 1 (2005)
Chapter 2 (2005)
Chapter 3 (2005)
Chapter 4 (2005)

Chapter 1

Final Fantasy Seven
Ultima Farce. Story One: Over-The-Counter Terrorism

Part One.

Midgar, Upper Sector Three

A television sat in the corner of a room in a house. A shape lay upon the sofa, but as the sun climbed up into the sky, dawn having broke about twenty minutes earlier, nothing stirred, except the image on the television. An obnoxious Breakfast TV presenter was announcing the news. At least, had the TV not been on mute, he would have been.

Suddenly, the silenced was disturbed by a scream from the door.
"SOLDIER!" came the cry, followed virtually instantly by a deafening bang, and a huge flash, as the door was blown off.
Before the door had even landed, men in black , carrying Submachine guns, ran in, the laser sights of the weapons becoming red lines of light in the smoke and dust of the explosion, and shots were fired at the shape. The television also was hit, and some of the soldiers stormed up the stairs. The remainder searched the house, and yells of 'clear!' came from all rooms.

Except the kitchen, where the trooper yelled 'BEER!' and opened the fridge.

Then the troops came down from upstairs, and there was a massive explosion.

Ten troopers of SOLDIERs elite Airborne Service, a unit formed in the '80s for counter terrorist purposes. It took the best of SOLDIERs first-class firearms troopers, and not one of its 1500 Infantrymen carried a sword. They took a great deal of mocking from the other units about this, but that didn't change anything. Especially not the fact there wasn't an opponent of the Shin-Ra anywhere on the planet who didn't need to change their underwear when you mentioned the Airborne Service.

Or, for that matter, any SOLDIER outside the AS who didn't when you told him "And there's one of those gun-carrying nancyboys behind you..."

The black uniforms of all ten had the emblem of the AS on the left arm, an image of a dragon in flight, burning a house, with the motto "Benidi Olvi, Aprochi Imidi*" below it. Submachine guns were slung, helmets and gas masks were off.

Their commander approached, Colonel Filby. Filby had his sky blue AS beret on, with the badge of the unit in gold, over his brown, thinning, and greying hair. His eyes were hidden behind sunglasses at this moment, as he was that kind of commander.

"Nice work, gentlemen. Sergeant Silias, let us review this little operation."

"Sir," said a bald man, with Sergeant's stripes. Henry Silias, the team leader of Crimson Troop, and leader of element one.

They neared the door, the nine NCO's behind. Each and every one was at least a corporal, with the exception of element two's lead, Sergeant Peter Zacharias.

"Now, Peter, I am to understand your team went in the back door, yes?"

"Um... yes sir," Said the NCO. Two of his element snuck off whilst the colonel was distracted.

The eight soldiers and one officer walked in the pulverised front door.

"Ah, sawdust. Nothing better than three flash bangs to take out the door, eh?" Filby said.

"Actually sir, it was a Light Antitank Rocket," said a trooper.

"JIM!" Silias yelled.

"No, Jim, that was the BACK door," said another trooper.

"ANDREW!" yelled Zacharias.

"Of the House?" another trooper asked.

"JIM!" Silias repeated.

"Yeah. Remember, we used all the flash bangs last night to steal those cars by blowing their doors off and then hotwiring them, so Sarge said just use a LATR-80 on the door and a car round the back," One more trooper proclaimed.


"You're Henry, Henry," Filby said.

"Oh, right... Who said about the cars? Silias asked. By this time, every other trooper was now hiding in the bushes except the two Sergeants. Filby pretended not to notice.

"Jamie. Or rather, JAMIE! If you feel shouting is needed."

"Yessir, thankyousir," Said the NCO like a small boy who thinks he might have just escaped but realises that the shouting is about to really begin and yes, there will be no pocket money, for 2-6 weeks.

"Anyway... good initiative to get the doors off... what make of cars?" Filby asked.

"Midgar Dynamic Aerospace and Icicle Motors mostly. Oh, and one was a Lockair LCVS-4," Zacharias said.

"The Nibelhiemian knockoff of the Shinra SX-3?" the commander asked.

"Yes," Henry responded.


"Not any more," said Zacharias .

"Not one Shin-Ra made car?"

"Not one," Silias confirmed.

"Excellent," said the CO. The sergeants were now safe in the knowledge they could buy sweeties for a while yet.

"Well, Except major Honour's sir."


"The Commander of SOLDIER Brigade four."


"The regular SOLDIER unit for Midgar City."

"Yes. And?"

"The man who you don't like much."


"He went to your school."


"He cut in line in front of you one day."

"Yes, and?"

"He got the last packet of cheese and onion crisps . Back in 1971."

"BASTARD! Did you crash it?" Filby said.

"Better sir, parked it in Sector Seven Lower!"

"Oh, I so want to see the look on his face when he finds it..." said Zacharias . By this time, the other eight men had returned.

Lower Sector Seven, 9:00AM
"Sir, we found it... but it isn't pretty," said a SOLDIER first class.

The wrecked vehicle sat in the train graveyard, keyed, buster sword stabbed, minigunned, punched, and covered in urine.
The Major stared. Beside him, a trio of Turks stood.

"Ah, yet another inside car theft. Not a crime committed after all," said one.

"What?! But Mister Tseng, it's been..." said the female Turk officer.

"Elena, its doors have been blown off by army issue bombs. It's been stabbed by an army issue sword. This car theft is not our jurisdiction."
"What about the minigun and urine, sir?"

"Well, if you think yourself an expert on either, go right ahead but we're leaving before Honour starts crying. It's an internal issue for SOLDIER to handle," Said Tseng, as he and the other Turk walked off.

The Major screamed in anger at that point.

A Bar, seconds later, Sector Seven Lower
"Owch, that was loud!" said a man.

"Shut up, fool, other people in here have more important injuries!" another said, slamming his machine-gun for a hand on the table.

"Well, Barret, you shouldn't have punched the car. Or widdled on the sparkplug."

"Tifa, I was DRUNK!"

"By booze you didn't buy here, you unloyal git."

Back upstairs a few hours ago...
"So, anyway, the first element went in, and fired upon the sofa, killing our target... one watermelon. Who shot it, by the way, nice grouping."

"That was Jamie, sir. The new boy," Silias said.

"Nice work, young man."

They examined the room more.

"Who shot the TV exactly? I'll assume it was the age old 'breakfast TV, deemed it a threat to human life' line," Filby asked.

"No, sir, it made a break for a rifle this time officially, but off the record, we noticed it was made in Wutai, not a Shin-Ra product, and as such, felt it may have been booby trapped, and took steps to diffuse the theoretical device," Zacharias informed the commander.

"So you shot it?" Filby said.

"Very carefully, sir," said the demolitions soldier, Jim.

They entered the kitchen.

"Fridge, empty, and one dead dummy on the floor. Explain the former?"

"Wutaian-made beer, felt it may have been booby trapped, so drunk it," Said a trooper.

"This diffuses it how?"

"It gets it to an uncontested area sir. The sewage works," the trooper continued.

"Capital. And upstairs?"

"We... kind of blew it up. If it's any consolation, the 'hostages' were Wutaian and needed diffusing just in case," said Silias.

"Oh well, lads, all in all, a good training exercise. Just one problem: now Ultramarine Troop will be unable to use this shooting house to train in the afternoon."

"Oh well, sir, it seems they'll have to go to a primary school again then."


"Riot control. We're called out weekly by the Union of PTA's in case the police get involved."

"Very well. Okay lads, back to base, good job all round."

*Cetran for 'Bend over, here it comes'.

Caves of Narshe: Final Fantasy VII
Version 6
©1997–2020 Josh Alvies (Rangers51)

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