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by Del S

Chapter 1 (2007)
Chapter 2 (2007)
Chapter 3 (2007)
Chapter 4 (2007)
Chapter 5 (2007)
Chapter 6 (2007)
Chapter 7 (2007)
Chapter 8 (2007)

Chapter 1

Chapter One: Islawhandaaaa...

Letter from the Secretary of State for War and Putting Soldiers in the Middle of Fields for no Apparent Reason to His/Her Majesty the King/Queen Frank N. Furter, in the 24th year of the reign of King/Queen Frank the Sweet.

I regret to report a very disastrous engagement which took place on the morning of January 23rd, between myself and your daughter, Princess Sara. She kicked me in the testicles for not having enough spies watching Garland.

I also regret to report that another disastrous engagement between five companies of the 24th Foot-And-Mouth Regiment, a total of 1480 men, 13 women, 2 ladyboys, 1 girl pretending to be a boy to join the army rather than the royal prostitution corps, 1 boy pretending to be a girl to join the royal prostitution corps rather than the army, 2 geese, 8 ducks, 9 dogs, 3 cats, 2 hamsters, 23 rats, 3 badgers, 3 badgers, 3 badgers, a mushroom, a mushroom and a snakey snake, ooh it's a snake, and a horde of Goblins (the aforementioned men and geese and such fought the Goblins, not each other) numbering an ludicrously large amount of Goblins. The Goblins, in virtually a tide of short green foul smelling creatures that if our country had flamethrowers would have been amusingly easy to defeat, instead fell upon our ranks and did use a variety of violently violent methods to slaughter the entire column in spite of gallant running away tactical withdrawal.

The horde is now heading for Orc's Drift, where that bridge you wanted built is being built.

I also request that I have my Basque and suspenders that his/her majesty has borrowed be returned washed.

Letter from the Secretary of State for War and Putting Soldiers in the Middle of Fields for no Apparent Reason to the Chancellor of the Exchequer.

Request funds for:
1550 new swords, short.
1550 new shields, small, wooden.
1550 new bows, short, type 2 strings
1550 new quiver holsters.
75550 new arrows, standard iron head.
15500 new arrows, fire, cotton wrap
1500 new soldiers
2 pints milk
4 rashers, bacon
1 loaf, bread, wholemeal
1 packet eggs, 6 free range
2lbs butter
4lbs flour, white
1 pack cheezy nibbles
3 French hens
2 turtle doves
1 partridge, in pear tree.

Letter from Secretary of State for War and Putting Soldiers in the Middle of Fields for no Apparent Reason to the Secretary of State for Shipping.

Cecil X Rosa, Edge X Rydia, Picard X B. Crusher, Riker X Troi, Sephy X Cloud LOL : )


Islawhanda, North of Cornelia, and south of where the bridge is built.

Smoke drifted across the battlefield, and the red tunics of Cornelian soldiers littered the grass. It was fortunate they wore red, because the amount of blood they had all lost would have terribly stained, say, a blue shirt . Ballistas lay smashed, tents burned, and Goblins scampered about their scene of victory gleefully.

In all, it was not a recruitment poster for the Corenelian Army... However, to be fair, there had only been a thousand soldiers. And ten thousand Goblins...

'Knew we should have camped at Deep's Helm,' an expiring soldier said to the sky. A Goblin promptly tried to steal his teeth.


A Goblin is a strange creature. Acting human in many ways, such as their love of violence, money, occasional use of tactics and when faced with something much bigger than they are, cowardice, they nonetheless have a somewhat animal mindset, and a somewhat vicious lack of intelligence.

For example, Goblins know of the human legend that Trolls teeth are made of diamonds. In their logic, Goblins reason, humans are soft and sqidgy and come in more than one colour. Trolls come in more than one colour and are hard and not squdgy, so that means they're the opposite of humans. And if Trolls teeth are made of diamonds, diamonds are valuable, so trolls teeth are valuable.

Since humans are the opposite of trolls, they figure, diamonds must be made of human teeth, so they kill humans aiming to sell the teeth to other humans so they can make diamonds.

At no point do the Goblins realise that if they keep killing humans to steal their teeth, there will be no one left to buy the teeth.

There are four types of Goblin: Grunt, Guard (Also called a Sergeant at times, due to a remarkable resemblance to the average drill instructor) , Captain, and Lord. These are the human names for them. Goblins simply call each other grunt, big grunt, bigga grunt, boss.

As their size grows, so does their intellect, and therefore their cruelty. However, the smaller Goblin has the assistance of stupidity allowing him to be devious because a smart creature would not ever try anything so stupid.

If a Goblin thought of the plan, it is either so simple it will fail or so stupid you're doomed. If they had no plan, then it could go either way.


At the channel...

'So, why are we trying to build this bridge again? No one's rescued a princess have they?' one soldier said.

'They have, you 'orrible little man!' yelled Colour Sergeant Bourne. Bourne was a very loud, very shouty sergeant with a booming voice, though questions were raised as to his true identity. What was unquestioned was his supremacy in shouting, and he would often issue an ultimatum to any disrespectful trooper.

A yell from along the construction sounded

'Corporal Allen! Have some men hold that incredibly heavy stupidly large and quite frankly deadly lump of masonry there that's about to collapse,' yelled Captain Chard of the engineers. Bourne ordered a man into position with a burst of shoutyness. A small scream and thump of masonry came. Corporal Allens caught Chard's eye and shrugged.

Chard was not the kind of man who you looked at and thought: 'That man can command a handful of soldiers to defeat a horde outnumbering them almost sixty to one.' No, you thought: 'I bet he's obsessed with building things.' And you were right. But oddly, you'd have been right either way, because Chard turtles, and this game being old school. He also had an annoying habit of having his character description making the deaths of other people become insignificant.

'...Er, Sergeant Bourne, I asked Corporal Allens to send MEN, plural, not you to send MAN/pancake, singular...'


The lump of rock wobbled slightly. A few other men moved it off the soldier.

A rider approached the construction works, and stopped at Chard.

'Afternoon, sir, message from the encampment at Islawhanda.'

'Well, I must tell you I am not the commanding officer of this garrison, I'm...'

'Oh, beg your pardon, sah, but it's not as such from the column, more from the Goblins...' he said, turning to show the dozen arrows in his back.

'Oh, I see. Er, what's the message?'

'A few dozen arrows. Message from the encampment is "Goblins, hundreds of 'em, aaagh." Message from me, sah, is, "Urgh."'


'Yes, sah. URGH!' he said, and fell off the horse, dead.

Chard stared at the former man, not hearing another horse approach from behind.

'Hot work?' an upper class accent enquired. It was another officer.

'Well, it would be if we'd built anything rather than getting a man flattened and watching a messenger fall off a horse with a hundred arrows up his arse.'

'Still, the ocean cools you off a bit, I suppose...'

'It's acidic.'

'Hang on a minute, there's only one in his back. How'd you know there's a hundred up his... Wait, I don't want to know, let's start over, waaa waaa, I've just been born and I'm praying that IS the umbilical cord the doctor is about to cut off...'

'Look, can we skip that part, and get back to the present day or thereabouts?'

'I meant January, it's a little problem I have, when I say December I mean January...'

'Back a little bit.'

'Ah, yes. That's better. Hot work?'

'Would be if we'd built anything rather than getting a man flattened and watching a messenger fall off a horse,' Chard replied.

'Why did he do that?'

'He's dead.'

The officer looked.

'Well, what do you know, he is. Anyway, I see you're using my men,' the other officer said.

'Well, they were lying around doing nothing...'

'I'd rather you'd asked first, old boy. Bromhead's the name, Captain Gonville Bromhead, Officer's Field number L85 SA80AKS74U, 24th Foot-and-Mouth.'

'Captain John Lucpi Chard, O.F U55 EN73RPR15E, Royal Engineers, 4th nail-in-hand.'

'Pleasure meeting you. Well, chin-chin, do carry on with your mud pies... Oh, no, you said engineer, not catering corps...' Bromhead said, recalling the cook at Orc's Drift.

'Er, Captain, this corpse here, it came from the camp at Islawotsit,' Corporal Allens said

'Did it? What's that got to do with us?'

Four warriors approached, three men and a woman.

'Captains, a horde of Goblins approaches this area,' the lead warrior, a warrior oddly enough, said.

'...Well, shit,' Bromhead said.

'Who might you be?' Chard asked.

'The light warriors,' the woman replied.

'Ah... If you've come about the bridge...'

'Never mind the bridge, we can wait. The Goblin horde nears,' the black mage replied.

'Or build it ourselves...' The Black Belt smugly followed on.

'Yes, right, whatever...' Bromhead said.

'Lo Squall,' a voice said.

'Private Bauer, cut that out!' Bourne yelled.

'...Let's head back to the farm at Orc's Drift and set up defences. How many Goblins are there?'

'How many hairs are on your head?' The Warrior asked

'Five thousand nine hundred and twenty three,' Bromhead replied all too fast.

'...About that number, yes.'

The officers, light warriors, and assembled troops marched back to Orc's Drift. Sadly, on the way, Chard decided to build the road there which delayed their arrival and somehow squashed a few more soldiers, leaving the defenders with only 97 men plus 2 officers and 4 heroes.
Caves of Narshe: Final Fantasy I
Version 6
©1997–2019 Josh Alvies (Rangers51)

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