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This is an alternate universe fic, with a lot of changes. It's a parody based on team America: World Police, and will probably parody a lot of other things too: Saving Private Ryan, Black Hawk Down, Bambi... Many hideously violent war movies like that. It also includes "extended" scenes in spoilers, possibly for every chapter, but since I've only done the prologue so far, who knows?

FF6 AU: Group Vector: World Enforcers
It has been theorised that reality exists as numerous strands. There may be billions, trillions, or even a number they haven’t named yet, which presumably includes ‘googol’ and ‘googolplexes’ on worlds where Yahoo! is the prominent search engine otherwise Google would exist there, of alternate realities. Mind you, we haven’t asked them because it’s an alternate universe and the only know people to have come from alternative universe must be political figures and conventional conspiracy theorists (This is the only possible explanation for how detached from our reality many of them are.)

It’s entirely possible the theory of ‘parallel universes’ , ‘alternate realities’, ‘alternate universes’ and ‘Heinz Tomato Soup’ is a load of codswallop but it is a very useful theory to fanfic writers, and, in their/our defence, it’s the only real way to resolve the age old question of ‘what rocks harder: Daleks or Stormtroopers?’ and also, to answer ‘what if?’. What if Aeris hadn’t been a stupid cow and watched her six? What if Cloud had been armed with a ranged weapon like any fighter with half a brain would be? What if God was one of us? What if Squall had been a very optimistic, cheery, professional, skilful soldier equipped with a sensible weapon or even better, sensible set of weapons? Just a slob like one of us?

Who knows? Who cares? You? Oh good. This is an answer to a similar question…

Prologue: Disposable Characters
Loma, Doma…
Here’s a Loma, there’s a Loma, and another little Loma, Fuzzy Loma, Funny Loma, Loma Loma Doma!
The scene is a happy one. The people of Loma carry out their daily business. People walk to work, do the shopping, get beaten violently by police officers in the back of wagons. One woman, however, looks for her son, who has wandered off.
‘Beige? Beige? Where have you gone?’ she asks.

Little Beige is quite happily wandering around, and bumps into a man in brown robes…
The man is a Returner.

The man glowers at the now terrified young boy, and walks over to three other men in similar robes by a fountain. One holds a crystal. Beige’s mother then arrives.
‘Beige, where have you been?!’
‘Re… Re… Re…’ he stuttered, pointing at the Returners.
‘Beige, stop stammering, you sound like a chain letter!’
She looked at where he pointed.
‘Oh… shi…’
Just then, a loud siren wails. The four Returners lookat the sky in panic as an airship hovers into view.
‘You in the robes,’ the Airship says. ‘Put the magicite down on the ground and put your hands up.’

The Returners thought for a second, then fired their Narshe SLR’s into the air. The people of Loma ran screaming, and I used the opportunity to slip into the past tense because I really hate writing things that are still happening. From the airship, two men slid down on ropes, carrying their own guns in their free hands. One had blonde hair, which looked green in certain light, and the other had white hair, some facial scars, and orange-tinted goggle-like sunglasses
‘Why can’t they ever do this the easy way?’ said the white-haired one to the other.
‘Uh, Setze, I though shooting them was the easy way…’
‘Oh yeah! Good point, Gau!’
Both of them promptly enacted the easy way, blasting a Returner backwards into the fountain. The three remaining Returners fled in different directions.

A chocobo dashed into the market, and it’s rider dismounted, a female, aiming a carbine, and wearing what looked like a swimsuit. She also had blonde hair , none of which registered to the hapless stall owner she pointed her gun at, who just saw the gun.
‘Global Enforcers! Get down on the ground!’ she said. The market stall owner however was already on the ground, and was making a small puddle on it.

One Returner ran along a street, firing his rifle to get people out of his way. But a blond man with a shotgun spoke to him.
‘Hey, Returner! Return to sender!’
The shotgun then spoke to him, but it only said ‘bang’ and threw him through a nearby shop window, dead. This was because the blonde man, Locke Cole, had shot him with the shotgun. No, wait, BLASTED him, as shot him with a shotgun sounds iffy.

Setze had another cornered. The Returner aimed his rifle.
‘!Teb omma fo tuo m’I,’ the Returner yelled. His gun clicked.
‘All right, let’s make this more interesting…’ Steze said, dropping his own weapon, and standing ina fighting stance.

The clash was an epic display of skill. Standing six feet apart, the two men moved forward two feet, waved their arms, and the other recoiled back, white letters appearing above his head. The two men never even struck each other, but in the end, Steze had beaten the Returner to death.
‘You lose! That’s the risk of playing Setze’s roulette!’

The last Returner ran, holding the crystal of magicite. Gau was chasing him
‘I got him!’ He said, aiming an 80mm Infantryman’s Artillery launcher at the Returner. The rocket flew out of the launcher, and struck Gargantuan Gary, the famous clock tower of the Loma Parliament, which then collapsed onto the rest of the parliament building, flattening it.
‘…Damn, I missed him. Relm, you got him?’

In the sky, a smaller airship flew, piloted by a blonde girl.
‘Yeah, Gau, he’s heading into the Royal Palace.’
She aimed a rocket at the building.
‘Your plans are over!’ she said, firing. The rocket flew into the palace, which then disintegrated in a ball of flame. In the shockwave, a large vat of poison spilled into the water supply for Doma Castle…

The people of Loma stared in shock at all the damage wrought by the so-called protectors of the Global Enforcers.
‘Don’t worry everyone, everything is Kaiwaii! We stopped the Returners!’ Gau said.
The Lomans, like sheep, cheered.
The chocobo rider, whose name was Celes, walked over to Locke.
‘Locke… I know this is meant to be your job, but it’s the 29th of February, and if you ever wanted to ask me to spend the rest of your life with me, the ring would have been stolen, so, will you marry me?’ She said.
‘Gau to Relm, looks like we might need to order a wedding cake!’
‘He finally stole a ring and asked her?’
‘Uh… no, uh, she asked him. It’s the 29th,’ Setze said.
‘Huh? No it’s not, it’s the 60th of the first quarter!’ Relm said
‘Oh yeah, screwy Thamasan calendar… I’ll explain it later,’ Gau said.
However, as Locke was trying to find the words to say yes, the Returner in the fountain leap up, aiming his rifle.
‘Celes!’ Locke yelled, but it was too late. The Returner had fired. Three bullets hit her in the back.

Gau and Setze, in rage, emptied their guns into the Returner, who died properly this time.
‘Wow… I though we wasted that guy!’ Gau said
‘Yeah, I totally shot him through the heart. No, wait, it’s on the left, isn’t it?’ Setze said
‘Yup.’
‘Damn. Damn sloppy editing not telling me where I hit him earlier, if it wasn’t for that, Celes might not be dead!’
‘She’s not dead yet guys!’ Locke said.
‘So cold…’ she said.
‘Yes, dear, that’s what happens when you wear a swimsuit in February and it’s like five degrees centigrade in the sunlight,’ Locke said.
‘Locke… you have to live on. Find someone else… be happy…’ She said, painfully.
‘I intended to,’ Locke said.
‘Oh? Oh right, cool, bye then,’ she said, and expired.
‘NOOOOO!’ Locke yelled into the sky in rage…

Possible spoilers: highlight to view

Extended Death Scene!
‘So cold…’ she said.
‘Yes, dear, that’s what happens when you wear a swimsuit in February and it’s like five degrees centigrade in the sunlight,’ Locke said.
‘Owch… how bad is it?’ She asked.
‘It doesn’t look that bad…’ Locke lied.
‘You’re a lousy liar… Gau, give me the truth, kid.’
‘No really, he’s right, it’s not that bad. Apart from all the blood and guts and… what the hell is that? Christ, it’s your lung! Celes, check it out, it’s your LUNG!’ he said, holding up the organ in question.
‘Holy ****ing s*** dude, that is not helping!’ Locke yelled, as Celes tried to say something else.
‘Locke… you have to live on. Find someone else… be happy…’ She said, painfully.
‘I intended to,’ Locke said.
‘Oh? Oh right, cool, bye then,’ she said, and expired.
‘NOOOOO!’ Locke yelled into the sky in rage…

This post has been edited by Del S on 24th July 2006 15:05

--------------------

"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

Chapter One: Just a regular woman.
Zunnarban, Zozo
Zozo was a state in crisis. When they say ‘state of emergency’ they mean Zozo. When they say ‘you look an awful state’, they mean you look like Zozo. In short, Zozo was not the kind of place you’d expect to find people who cared. But the Federal Officer of Vector needed people who were dashingly beautiful, and could pretend they cared. Vector had people who could fill one, but not the other.

Two Vectorian Marines, wearing the grey square-blocked urban camoflage pattern of the Marines walked down the street, accompanying their commander, a seemingly foppish man in an expensive looking grey suit. The three vectorians were given nervous glances by the citizenry of the town, but nothing else. This area was controlled by what Emperor Ghestal called “Friendly” warlords. Admittedly, this led to an awful lot of “Friendly” fire, but there was far more “unfriendly” fire. Like the fires that would be started in the towns and ports Vector used to ferry it’s peacekeeping troops into the costal regions if they ever decided to switch sides.

‘Sir!’ A Marine shouted loudly.
‘…What is it, Drayling?’
‘There appears to be sand on your shoes, Sir.’
‘…We’re in a poor country, Drayling! Sand on shoes is to be expected. Oh, and by the way, they’re actually yours,’ said the man in the suit.
‘…Very good Director Palazzo sir.’
‘Otherwun, where does this woman live anyway?’ Director Palazzo asked.
‘Near here, according our informant, sir. She was the girl we captured in the incident in the Maginar Mountains about 18 years ago.’
‘Oh, her. Remind me, how did she escape five years ago?’
‘A gentleman with long white hair and a sword that must have been compensating for something came and burnt down the village research facility we had constructed and decided to store her and other things we captured then in. ‘
‘As I recall, he was very upset when we told him he had the wrong village.’
‘Yes sir,’ Drayling said
‘He was even more upset when we told him he had the wrong reality.’
‘Sir?’ Asled Otherwun
‘He was even more upset when I, an alternate version who is not quite as cool as the orginal, still managed to kick his bishie ass halfway back to Midgar!’
‘Um, sir? We’re not actually cleared for fourth wall related matters, sir,’ Drayling admitted
‘You aren’t? Damn.’

They came to a door, which was attached to a small apartment, which had it’s own door that let you into it. After pondering why there appeared to be a door glued to the side of the building, the three stood around.
‘Well, don’t just stand there, Drayling, you’ve been here a while, you know the customs of knocking on doors and such.’ Kefka said
‘Very good sir. Okay, Paul, I want you to throw a flash bang in after I kick the door in and then back me up as I…’
‘Good heavens, man! Even I know that’s the way to knock on the doors of dangerous people!’
‘Er, Should have told you this before, sir, but I, er… used to know her. Cheated on her with her best friend when she was 14 and I was 14. Oh, and her other friends too. Including her ex boyfriend.’
‘Um… p-p-pardon? Are you saying you…’
‘Yes sir. We rigged a game of monopoly so she lost but we didn’t.’
‘Oh good…’
‘Then we all had an orgy and left her out.’
‘KHHHK!’

Eventually, after Kefka had recovered from hearing about the debauchery of the lower classes (and stopped wailing at laws reducing such groups to four for the upper classes) he knocked on the door politely. A shotgun blast removed the wall beside to door.
‘…Do you think she may be a little paranoid, men?’
‘Reasonably so, sir. This is Zozo, she has magical abilities, and frankly, if anyone were to very loudly say she could be such a devastating weapon against the rebels or the government factions or even the Jidoor “Peacekeepers” who as we all know are merely trying to invade…’
‘Drayling, shut up.’
‘Very good sir.’
Kefka decided to try again.
‘Hello in there! I mean you no harm! I’m from Vector!’
‘The Vectorian Government?’ a female voice from within asked
‘Well… not as such, no. They give my organisation the funds to operate in places such as this, but that’s about it, really.
‘Are you from the Tripto humane society?’ the voice inside asked.
‘…Just a tick!’ Kefka said, and looked at the two soldiers.
‘What the hell’s the Tripto humane society?’
‘Organisation that recognises humanitarian achievements. It gave your late grandfather, Lord Charles Palazzo the 2nd, it’s Humane Persons award, for killing all the orphaned children as witches during the war with Albrook to prevent a humanitarian crisis following it.’
‘My dad said they smelt like hotdogs…’ Kefka grinned.
‘Yes sir, and that line smelt like plagiarism,’ Otherwun said.
‘Look, will you people out there please tell me why you gave me a chance to reload by talking about the Tripto Humane Society?’
‘Yes, madam. I have an offer for you that can help save the innocents of the world… and allow you not to hide in fear of people discovering your gift.’
‘It’s not a gift, it’s a curse!’ she yelled.
‘Others would think otherwise…’
‘What? Having a fear of razors meaning you can never go to the beach is a blessing to some people?’
‘Well, yes, Domans, but I meant your OTHER gift slash curse.’
‘…What?’
‘Oh, for goodness sakes, madam, please just put down the shotgun and let me open to door.’ Kefka said.
The door creaked open.
‘If I had a gil for every time I said that, I’d have enough to buy a potion!’ Kefka said to the two Marines.
‘I’d have a dollar,’ Drayling said.
‘Drayling, mouth is open, should be closed.’
‘Again, sir, that sounds like plagiarism,’ Otherwun said.

The three Vectorians entered the small house., straight into a single room. Women’s clothing (mostly all red and pink), journals (with red covers), and other detritus (red) such as pots and pans lay in a living room/bedroom/kitchen/laundry room combination, with a sofa (red) , peeling wallpaper (red), scattered shotgun shells (red), some drying women’s underclothes (red) in front of the fire (red and yellow and orange and pink and plue, purple and oh damn I forgot the words to ‘I can sing a rainbow’.) were being looked at by two marines faces (red). The woman did not notice.
‘Okay, you soldiers , stay outside,’ The woman said. She had green hair, and wore a red dress. The Marines stood still in the small room.
‘Hello?’
‘They’re Marines, madam. They call a light bulb sir (though I suspect they may call your underwear ‘ma’am’ or ‘mummy’) and so, if you call them soldiers, it goes right over their heads.’
‘Fine then, Marines, stay outside.’
‘Yes sir. Er, ma’am!’ said Otherwun.
‘Certainly, ma’am, but may I enquire as to where you got those briefs? I’ve been looking for a pair like them for a while.’
‘For your wife?’ The woman said.’
‘No, Miss Terra, Corporal Drayling is what the marines call “a Crossdresser” so they’re for him.’
‘Drayling?’ Miss Terra asked, but the marine had bolted out the door at the mention of his name.
‘Now then, to business, miss. You have heard of the returners, yes?’
‘Terrorists. They keep orphaning children in other countries away from Zozo.’
‘Yes. And you have a special place in your heart for the welfare of orphans. You’ve ran an orphanage here for nearly three years, until it burnt down last week after an attack by Maurice Hatta’s faction…’
‘Oh, I get it now, you’re from Tripto, and you heard how I paid them off to not kill any of the children, and so now, if I let you put a hypno-crown on me and dance for you, I get a humanitarian award and the orphans can stop living in my house!’
‘Er… wait, what?’
‘You heard!
‘Terra, I am a very busy man. I’m not from the Tripto humane society, I’m not going to use magical abilities on you for sexual reasons, so please, just listen to me!’
‘…Okay.’
‘Now hold still while I put this Hypno Crown on you… just kidding. I am Director Kefka Palazzo, of the Global Enforcers.’
A small cubicle gave a yell of ‘Global Enforcers?! They killed my mummy!’ and a small boy leapt out with a knife.
‘No, Billy, your mummy was shot by the Jidoorians. We’ve told you before,, now get back hiding in the toilet with the others.’
‘Okay, Mama.’
‘…Delightful… child,’ Kefka said, feeling a little uneasy about the entire situation he was in.’
‘Okay, what’s this offer? If it leaves the children here, it’s no.’
‘Terra, you can help us stop the Returners, and we need you. Vector’s ran out of attractive people who care, and we need people who can pretend to care about the Returner’s goals. The children will be moved to a Tzenian orphange, one of the rich ones where they will lead happy lives, because Tzen outlawed child labour but not marijuana.’
‘So, what if I refuse?’
‘Well… we’d be annoyed, but not nearly as annoyed as you must be with Drayling.’
‘Drayling?’
‘Yes. The Marine. You don’t recognise him?’
Recollection popped into Terra’s mind.
‘Yes… yes I do. Give me five minutes alone with him, and I’ll agree.’
‘Very good!’ Kefka said, and left. The orphans filed out after him.
‘Drayling: The life insurances covers this. See you.’
‘Sir! You promised that last week would be the last time you gave someone who didn’t like me a chance to do something horrible in exchange for you getting your goal!’
‘Yes, Drayling, but I’m an intelligence officer. Lying is our forté.’

Drayling nervously walked back into the building. There was screaming, and Terra walked out. A small imp followed her.
‘Well, shall we be off then?’ She asked.
‘Always said you were a cheeky imp, Drayling.’ Kefka mused.
‘Oh, this is Cappa, he’s our pet. Drayling’s in there with a crate of shotgun shells up his bottom.
‘Oh…’
‘Don’t be too concerned, Director, he gets to take the underpants he wanted because I admit that I went a little too far, because if his bowels move…’
There was a muffled, wet, bang, and Drayling screamed.
‘…explosive shotgun diarrhoea. Painful. don’t worry Drayling, it’ll heal up!’ Kefka shouted, merrily.
‘V…Very good sir.' He said, followed by a whisper of ' Oooh me arsehole…'

This post has been edited by Del S on 7th August 2005 12:52

--------------------

"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

Chapter Two: If this wasn’t AU this chapter would be incredibly wrong.
An Airship, over an ocean
Terra sat aboard an airship, The two marines attempting (and failing) to keep the orphans in order. Kefka sat in a chair opposite her.
‘Now, Terra, when we arrive at Mount Esper, we’ll need to get ready for the mission straight away. We recived information that the returners are massing in Narshe, and we need to get you clued into everything and maybe a little firearms training…’
‘No. I don’t like guns, I only used the shotgun because it scared people, ’ Terra said.
‘Were you at all famous for not liking guns?’ Kefka asked, sipping a glass of red wine for no apparent reason than to give the illusion the “author “ is actually capable of writing.
‘Not really, in fact, they all though I loved guns back in Zunnarban.’
‘Great!’ Kefka said.
‘Why great?’
‘Our cover story to hide your disappearance was better than we expected! Here’s tomorrow’s Vector Times,’ He said, handing over a newspaper.

It is at this point, I must personally address you, the reader, with a small reminder: There are many things you don’t want to see in newspaper headlines about you, or indeed, at any point in an article about you ‘Over A Wide Area’, ‘Massive Ball Of Fame’, ‘Horribly Charred Remains’, ‘Innocent Bystanders’, ‘Infamous Drug Baron/Baroness’, ‘Identified By Dental Records’, ‘Horrific Inability To Count’ and ‘Five-year long killing spree’ are seven examples you don’t want to see. When Terra looked at the headlines, she saw all nine. The Times was infamous for it’s inability to figure out a good headline that summarised the story, so often they just put the story as the headline*

Luckily for her, the sub-heading’s team had half a brain cell to share, and had come up with “Vectorian-Born ‘Anti-Saint’ of Zozo Gunned Down in Ambush.”
‘You’re going to say I was the head of an unaligned faction that killed and tortured over 30,000 people?! Oh great, everyone will think I’m some sort of Genocidal monster!’
‘Correction: They’ll think you’re a dead genocidal monster!’
Otherwun walked in, sniffing the air.
‘Oh, for heavens sake, Paul, it was actually IN Team America, and it was only an outtake, a very funny one! It’s not plagiarism, it’s parody!’
‘Well, it’s still a bit iffy, sir…’

Terra, had by this time, stopped screaming in rage.
‘You had better come meet the team, Terra, because you and they will be working together soon,’ Kefka said, as the Airship landed in a hanger.
Terra followed Kefka off the Airship, towards a large roof, signed as ‘Team Living room/mess hall.’ It was an accurate description, as there were things living in there and it was a mess.
Kefka looked around. Terra did too. She saw three people: A boy, about fifteen or sixteen, playing pool ,with unkempt hair, a girl about sixteen or sixteen, with blonde hair and painting a picture, and another man, an older man, who showed the scars of combat, playing pool against the boy.
‘Well, Terra, meet the team,’ Kefka said, walking towards the boy.
‘This is Gau, a not-at-all Vectorian no-star oneighthfront. He’s a natural born loser, and he’s one of our two child soldiers that we expected to get ghosted on a mission long ago, but they just wont die… he’s seventeen, by the way, and he joined at thirteen. Four years. He should have never hit fifteen…’
‘Wait, what?’ Terra said.
‘Heh, don’t mind Kefka, ma’am, he says that to everybody,’ Gau said, oblivious of the fact his boss admitted to him being nothing more than ablative armour.
Kefka pointed at the man.
‘This is Setze…’
‘That’s the replacement for Celes? A fecking esper?’ The man said, bluntly.
‘…he’s an asshole,’ He simply said, and walked towards the girl.
‘This is Relm. She’s sixteen, officially our empath, but only because she filled the form in wrong, and the last actual empath we had was kind of… well, trodden on by a suit of Magitek armour. She sometimes comes up with the oblivious, it’s usually bullshit, so ignore it, but you ought to like her. Especially since she’s got wide hips and that means she can catch more bullets for you in the more importa… no wait, you’re a girl too, you don’t value those organs much less have them…’ Kefka rambled. Terra managed to zone out and ignore him.
‘Hi there.’ Terra said, to Relm.
‘I sense you are wishing you wore white underwear instead of red today!’ The girl said, for no reason
‘…But I’m not wearing underwear…’
‘…And a bullet there really smarts if you’re a guy, but girls don’t have the same bits down there and anyway, those bits are supposed to handle childbirth which is the most excruciating pain there is, and I know, because I’ve done it, so you’d think a girl could handle a bullet down there… Really? This matter needs investigation…’ Kefka said, managing to keep track not only of his own ramble, but the conversation.
‘No it doesn’t!’ Terra exclaimed.
‘You’re right, Terra, how unprofessional and rude of me to make such a lewd sexual suggestion… By that way, I call him Willard and that means he’s a happy boy!’ Said Kefka, waving a sock puppet with a smiley face about.
‘You’re Batshit insane!’ Terra said.
‘Thank you. No, there’s one more team member to meet… where is that kleptomaniac shit? He’d better not be trying to steal my err, magazines…’
‘Here, Kefka, and it’s “Treasure Hunter”’ said a male voice behind Terra. She could tell without looking that the male was looking at her bottom.
She and Kefka turned. Locke stared at her. Mainly at her chest, but that was a part of her, so it counted.
‘This is Locke, our treasure hunter, who can steal the plans out of the enemy’s minds,’ Kefka said.

Terra looked at him, and was thinking two things: ‘1) Yes, they’re breasts. You might have seen them on other females before. 2) Oh god, what circus have I joined?’

Locke was thinking: ‘bjafkghdfjkoohboobsniceassoohhootersmmhotchikcmewantwantnow!’

Gau was thinking: ‘Wait… I’m confused…’ as was the norm for him.

Setze was an asshole, so what he though doesn’t count.

Relm was thinking: ‘Barely a week since Celes died and he’s already thinking of another lady. No wonder I’m so confused.’

Kefka was thinking: ‘Work it harder, make it better, do it faster, makes us stronger; more than ever hour after our work is never over ‘ whilst imagining a Dalek zapping people with it’s death-ray.

‘Well, anyway,’ Kefka said, dragging his mind away from the Dalek. ‘It’s time we took you to the interview room to properly join the team, get your briefing, even more vital considering you aren’t wearing underwear. I know we’re an elite fighting force, Terra, but that’s no reason to go commando, haha, and maybe we can get you a little basic training.’

She left with Kefka. Locke and Gau both stood, vacantly staring into space.

‘…no underwear already? Damn, she wants me…’ Locke said.
‘Oh, wait, I get it now! We’re commandoes, so, since she’s not wearing any underwear, she’s going commando… hey, wait, Setze, is it normal for people not to wear underwear?!’
‘Ask a girl, dude, I never wear any underpants. Means people don’t want my trousers as part of a bet.’
‘Well, I can’t. There’s only Relm, and… well, if she said she wasn’t wearing underwear I’d get kind of embarrassed…’ Gau said, quietly.
‘I’m not actually wearing any underwear myself today, because it means I need to wash less clothes . I only wear it when I have to.’ She said, out loud. Gau turned beetroot.
‘God damn the child soldier policies. They expect them to die, so they never, EVER, get the goddamned talk and then, if they make if to sixteen/seventeen, who has to try explain it all? The poor , dumbass, hardcore insane sociopath murderers that are meant to have used the kids as bullet magnets,’ Setze moaned.

So, away from a room filling with sexual tension (that half the room didn’t even know what it was…) and murderous rage, Terra was being interviewed by reserve team members Biggs and Wedge…

*This is mildly different from the British newspaper ‘The Sun.’ You read the story to explain the headline, and you get -2 IQ and also, the information contained in the headline is unlocked. But who cares, most of it’s readers are only after the pretty pictures. Usually the one on page three.


--------------------

"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

Group Vector: Now printed with environmentally friendly word processors!
Chapter Three: You Tell Me
Figaro Castle, Figaro
Two men in robes walked into the throne room. The King sat in his golden throne, a interpreter beside him.
The king babbled away in Figaroan.
‘King Edgar informs you that your Magicite is ready for collection, and should be taken immediately,’ The interpreter translated.
'Yeah, uh, we’ll take them later, if that’s okay…' one said, in a Narshean accent
The king angrily babbled
'King Edgar asks if perhaps he was not clear. He asks you to take them now. He also asks if perhaps his translator made an error, and if he should… fire.. His.. Uhoh, I know what's coming..'
A crossbow bolt flew past his head
'Damn it, you, wait there while I reload!' screamed the king, as he fiddled with a new bolt for his bow. After another five misses, he gave up.
'Okay, just leave, now, before I decide to permanently suspend your services...'
As the grateful interpreter left the room, the king nodded at a royal guardsman, who followed the man with a revolver.
'I don't believe this, I have a bloody NARSHEAN here, telling me he can't accept the deadly weapon he's awaited?' The king asked.
'Er, Well, we kinda have something on...'
'Well then, take it to the meeting in Gaibertgen, and show it to all your friends, just get the magicite and your dumb ass the hell outta my friggin' PALACE!' No one correct him that it was a castle.
A pistol shot rang out in the courtyard below. A few seconds later, the royal guard came back. The Narshean took the magicite from another guard, and hurriedly fled.

Mount Esper, Vectorian Empire
'And have you ever been a member of the Communist party?' Biggs asked.
'Um... No, actually. Wasn't much time to have a party in Zozo,' Terra responded
'Excellent. Oh, yes, Drayling, remind me to actually establish a Communist party next week so people can join for five minutes. Emperor Ghesthal is getting worried about the waste of a perfectly good "yes" box on so many of our forms...' Wedge said,
'Right you are sir,' said Drayling.

The interview had consisted thus far of questions to which the answers had not yet been invented the subjects had not yet been invented, or were 'no'. Three of them had actually been in Russian to the confusion of the Vectorian-speaking room. Terra had nonetheless replied Nyet.
'Now then, Terra, what do you know of the Returners other than the fact they're all dicks?' Biggs asked
'Well, I always thought they were actually assholes. Does that make us...' Terra began, but was cut off by Otherwun sniffing the air.
'Director, why does he do that?'
'Well, you know on the eight day, God created Marines?' Kefka, who was leaning on the wall, said.
'Yes?'
'Well, Corporal Otherwun is walking proof he had a hangover from the seventh day, and Otherwun was one of the first batch. Anyway, Returners. Carry on Wedge.'
'I'm Biggs, sir. And I was waiting for Terra to answer, sir.'
'Ah... Well... Carry on.'
'Well, all I know is, they're an international terrorist organisation that funds insurgencies against governments and often uses it's own cells to attack the establishment,' Terra replied.
'Correct. What you didn't know is, they have numerous cell leaders who are a bit, shall we say, odd. They think with their Returners,' Biggs counter-replied.
'Pardon?' Terra asked.
'Remember what I said they all were?'
'Oh, I ... see. This isn't my job, is it?!'
'No, we have people trained for that job in Vector. Your job is purely as a distraction. Infiltrate the Returner cell merely by using the fact you are female, pretend to care about things, and are female.'
'You said female twice...'
'Yes. That's what's most important to some of them, but the others will be more interested in your gift slash curse,' Wedge said.
'So, half are interested in one of my "gifts", the other half are interested in the rest of my "gifts". Magical...'
'Only the former half are interested in the magical bit,' Biggs reminded her

Eventually, the discussion made it to the actual mission that was planned. Biggs and Wedge were halfway done when Kefka realised something was missing.
'The rest of the team!'

They all managed to walk out of the room and towards the conference hall without missing a beat. When the rest of the team showed up after Biggs had went to fetch them, those in the hall all looked at the team with carefully-unified looks of distain.

"Well, LATEies and GenLATEmen, LATE's get on with this meeting, which, incidentally, is late," Kefka said.

Biggs placed a map on the wall.
"This is Gaibertgen city, in...'
'Narshe,' Interrupted Gau.
'Yay for Gau, he am learn geography. Anyway, here, a large group of Returners are meeting, possibly to discuss a terrorist attack.'
'Um, sir, how do we know this?' Relm enquired.
'Ted told us,' Kefka said.
'You're trusting T.R.A.N.S.L.A.T.I.O.N?!' Setze exclaimed.
'Now now, Setze, whilst Ted may seem to be a complete retard to ordinary humans, he's a very very advanced Magitek computer,' Kefka defended the computer.
'Um, what's Ted?' Asked Terra.
'Hi.' said a large white box in the corner with a stranger black and multi-coloured rectangle sticking out of its top. Since the world of FF6 thankfully has not Microsoft or IBM, Terra did not realise that Ted was just a computer. This caused a small problem.
'AAAARGH!'
'Terra, he's just a computer. An alabaster retard of a computer, but a... Oh, stop that bloody sniffing Paul!' Locke said.
'I'm sure we had some purpose here, sirs, ma'ams, and arsehole jarheads...' said Wedge, an army man through and through.
'Oi!' Said the marines.
'Yes, William, we did have a point,' said Kefka.
'I'm William, sir,' Biggs corrected.
'Ah... What's Wedge's name?'
'Bill.'
'...what?'
'Anyway, this is a job for the primary team, the primary team being Setze, currently in command, Gau, Relm, Locke, and Terra. The reserve team of Myself, William, Paul, and Drayling...' Wedge said, before he was interrupted
'I have a name you know. It's Kevin,' Drayling griped.
'...shut up Kevin... Will be on standb-'
'You already said Will was in the reserve team,' Gau said
'Oh for goodness sake, Kevin, stop interrupting!' Kefka said.
'That was Gau, sir,' Setze said
'Stop giving me cheek, Cloud!'
The conversation paused as people wondered who the hell Cloud was (in fact, Cloud was a shopkeeper in Doma who has nothing to do with this story so we won't mention him again), and resumed with Biggs seizing first the initiative and then threatening to seize the throat of whoever next interrupted.

'Anyway, the team is to move into position to cover Terra, who is to go into the bar where they are meeting to try and find out what the Returners are really up to since, honestly, Ted, why the hell did you say they planned to use an explosive rubber ducky to sink a ship called the Titanic?'

'I was bored, and I'm not advanced enough and neither is Vector for me to launch missiles at Russia like Skynet did...' the computer responded.

'Um, Sir, is Ted cleared for fourth wall related matters?' Drayling asked Kefka

'Yes. Anyway, good luck team. I'll be with you in spirit. Well, in reality, I'll be transferring those orphans of Terra's to an orphanage in Tzen, where they've outlawed child labour, but not marijuana, which I said word for word earlier. So naturally, once they're there, I'll sample some.'

Kefka stood as the teams did nothing.

'Well, move your asses!'
The teams did so.

This post has been edited by Del S on 25th July 2006 17:44

--------------------

"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

Chapter Four: Vector! Fleck yeah!
Gaibertgen
Terra walked nervously through the packed streets of Narshe's second capital (After 'N') and to the knowledge of it's people, only capital city. Most of them were reasonably sure Nikeah was a different country, what with all the flat pack wardrobes they made. She was not nervous of the fact she was in a strange city , nor that she was technically a spy.

It was that her undercover support team were about as undercover as an elephant. It might have been covered over but it was still a bloody elephant. Gau was behind her, dressed in a garish shirt, with about a dozen cameras, and radiated 'Vectorian Tourist' from every pore. Relm was hiding under a box, and walking along behind Terra nonetheless. Only Wedge had used a remotely sensible disguise, wearing nondescript clothing. Sadly, he ruined this by riding a VM3 M-Tek War Walker...

The others were all out of her sight right now, so either they had actually disguised themselves, or they were all blithering arseholes and she was in for more surprises. A white-haired man carrying a huge sword was possibly Setze, but then she realised it wasn't him. Gau did however sneak over to him.

'If I were you, I'd get out of here, because my boss is Kefka,'

'What, the lunatic general, or the bureaucrat spymaster lunatic?'

'Last one,' Gau said. The white haired man soiled himself and ran away.

'Who was he?' Locke asked.

'Oh, a mutual friend of the boss.'

Terra reached the bar where the Returners were hiding. Setze walked right up to her before she could attempt to enter.

'Listen to me, you goddamn esper, if you screw this up, I'm gonna rip your face off, nail it to a wall, then wear your magicite corpse as a necklace!'

Terra stared at him blankly

'Yeah, you had better act scared!' Setze said. Terra walked away from the borderline nutter.

The bar had two guards posted, holding rifles nonchalantly, but still looking alert. As she walked towards them, the rifles were pointed at her face!

'yfitnedI!'

'?nodraP...' she said, in Derkan, the language Returners used as a code.

'yfitnedi dias I!'

Oh... Identify! Here's my ID!

'!DI ym s'ereH !yfitnedI ...hO' she said, lifting her shirt up. The Returners stared, and both fell over

'!selppin neerG ...G ...G ...G' they murmured, and she barged in.

This was a slight mistake, as a hundred rifles, shotguns, rocket launchers, flamethrowers, howitzers, and clowns were aimed at her. She stared in horror at the clowns.

'Whoa, whoa, sorry, should have knockers. Er, knocked!' she said.

'!stsareb lufitnuoB !stsareb sah ehs ,ssendoog yM' a Returner cried.

',meht dah rehtom ruoY .nemow no uoy tahw era esoht ,miJ ,seY' another Returner said.

'!EM DLOT ENO ON'

Most of the guns fell down as the Returners noticed the fact. A few of them fell over. But to Terra's fear, one stood, a huge .44 magnum in his hand, and levelled at her head. The barrel seemed large enough to park an airship in, and she could swear it was getting larger...

'That's because I'm walking towards you,' the magnum man said.

'Oh, was I saying what the narrator was saying?' Terra asked.

'No, but he's kind of hard to miss. Watch,' he said, firing a shot into the AAAAARGH.

' See?'

'Point taken,' she admitted. Feck me, that hurt.

'Hollowpoint, actually,' the man said, twirling the gun in his hand carelessly and firing another shot, which hit the guy who puts the grammar in so were gonna need a new grammar guy

'I, uh, heard there would be a Returner attack soon, and I wanted to join in,' she said, aided by a new grammar guy.

''Really... Come with me,' the magnum man said. She followed.

He took her behind the bar, up the stairs, left down a corridor, right, up more stairs, right, down a corridor, left down some stairs, right down a corridor, and wound up back at the bar.

'Oh, crap, no, meant to go right,' he said, and took her the opposite way, which somehow emerged in the basement.

'Wha... How did you... That should have...' she said, surprised. Then she saw a note on the wall.

'Dear tenant, please ensure any trans-dimensional portals that emerge from the twisting of reality by the design of this building are reported to the relevant authorities. Yours, the architect, M. C Esher,' said the note.

'Oh. How embarrassing. What a mistake to make,' she said. Magnum man opened a door. She entered, and slipped on a banana.

All present laughed, and one man, behind a desk, remained solemn. He looked at her.

'Speak. Why would you want to help us? What suffering have they inflicted upon you?'

'Well, I was just a boy...'

'You mean girl, I hope,' The man said.

'...Did I say boy? I meant girl. I've never been a boy. Anyway, when I was just a girl, they came to my village. Their black hawk helicopters...'

'...What the hell is a helicopter?'

'Airship, I meant airship! They came like thieves, killed the cattle, stampeded the women, raped the buildings, and set fire to the men!'

'You mean... Oh, screw it, I'm not correcting anymore of your boobs...'

'So, if you don't believe me, you should kill me now!' she said, in what she thought was a defiant grimace but actually made her look incontinent.

'You make, and have, boobs. I like boobs,' the head Returner said.

'So you believe me?' she said, relived.

Meanwhile, Outside

'That cardboard box is moving, Brian!' a Returner said.

'!loof uoy ,sdrawkcab klaT' Brian said, before realising what the box meant.

'!SRECROFNE LABOLG' he screamed, aiming his rifle at the box, and firing...

Inside
'Well, that's bad timing, a new ally with a nice ass walks in the door as the Global Enforcers appear to be mounting a not very covert surveillance operation of this building

'Er, yes, a horrible coincidence!' Terra said, hoping she could get away with it.

'Come with us, we have a Chocobo cart. We can flee,' he said, as the gunfire rippled outside.

Terra followed him, magnum, and a third Returner.

This post has been edited by Del S on 25th July 2006 17:42

--------------------

"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

Chapter Five: Chase me, Chase me!
Gaibertgen, the Bar
The Leader and his cohorts, along with Terra, ran to a cart at the back of the bar. The third, nameless returner grabbed the reins as the other three leapt into the cart. The leader handed Terra a rifle.

'Can you use this?' he asked.

'Er, yes,' she said, as Magnum Man produced a second magnum.

'It was a gun in pocket earlier, by the way,' he said to Terra.

'Oh, I see. Hey, wait, I never...'

'Yes,' Magnum said sadly. 'The ladies rarely do...'

Back out front
The crowds of people fled screaming as the returners emptied out of the bar, their guns joining in at shooting the box, now full of holes. The man who had first fired, Brian, waved to his comrades to cease fire.

Brian walked over to the box, and as he approached, blood pooled from below it.

He lifted the box, only to find the second guard lying below the box, riddled with bullets.

'What?! This is impossible!' he said, slipping out of Derkan in shock.

From behind a nearby market stall, Relm jumped up, aiming a Firework Launcher.

'Nothing's impossible if you put your mind to it,' she said, firing.

The rocket streaked towards the crowd of Returners, who all began to scream...

...and it then swung to the right and flew into a wall, where it failed to detonate.

Relm, and the Returners, stared at it, before the Returners stared at her.

'Um... Sorry?' she said, before the Returners levelled their rifles.

Just then, Wedge came around the corner, with Biggs, Drayling, and Otherwun. Wedge still rode his M-tek armour, and the three other men carried Squad Automatic rifles. The Returners all span to aim at them.

'Bad move, lads,' Wedge said, aiming the small cannon on the M-tek suit, and firing. After a copious amount of gunfire and demonstration of the stormtrooper effect, the Returners all lay dead.

'They're getting away with Terra!' Relm cried, and jumped into Wedge's M-tek suit.

'Uh, Relm, this is a one-crew armour...' He said.

'Then get out!' she said, pushing him out violently.

The Cart

The cart rattled it's way down a poorly-maintained road, out of the city, and into the forest. An airship followed, and the Returners opened fire at it.

'Little bastards are shooting at us,' Setze said, grabbing a firework launcher. 'I'll stop that...'

'No, Setze, you might hit Terra!' Locke yelled from the pilot's wheel

'...Win-Win situation!' He said, and fired. Typically, the accurate rocket veered completely the wrong way where it blew up a squirrel.

'Damn it, I got another squirrel,' Setze complained. 'Locke, land this bitch! I'm following on the Vm5.'

The airship didn't even land before the slightly insane Global Enforcer hopped his walker out of the cargo bay, chasing after the cart with the stormtrooper walker. He revved the chainsaws menacingly, slicing away madly at the trees.

Relm, in her borrowed walker, chased also, and nearly was in range to nudge the cart off the road when Setze barrelled into her M-tek suit and made her crash.

The Returners spotted the oncoming death.

'Slow him down, by all means!' Leader yelled. Magnum man fired both magnums at the walker.

'Smartass, huh? Try this one for size!' Setze said, mostly to himself, as he aimed the blast cannon. The magitek gun roared as the ball of death flew out, striking the magnum man and vaporising him where he stood .

'One more for luck!' Steze said, this time, hitting the driver. The leader quickly grabbed the reins.

'Maybe we should stop...' Terra said.

'Yes... Stop, let him pass, then charge at him!'

'And force him off the road!'

He promptly did so. Setze blundered past, and about a hundred yards away, spun around.

'Hah, what you mean is, you hoped he would stop and surrender! I love your boobs! Say, before we kill ourselves in the name of freedom, can I say goodbye to the twins?' Leader asked.

'What? We're gonna what? You wanna what?'

'This cart's full of explosives, so in the name of freedom we will assassinate that imperialist dog!'

'I meant just to stop and surrender!'

'Oh well, what's done is going to die in a ball of fire!'

As the m-tek armour and choco cart sped towards each other, Relm's armour sped towards the cart. Seconds before the other two were to crash, she leapt over the cart...

...the foot of the magitek armour kicked the half esper right out of it, and the leader just kept charging.

Setze then fired his blast cannon and obliterated the cart in a ball of fire, smoke, and due to the Chocobo, feathers. He ran his armour through the smoking crater left behind towards Relm, who had a dazed Terra still stuck to the foot of the m-tek.

'Setze, isn't it lucky I saved Terra?' Relm said

'...Yeah, lucky...' he said.

Back in Vector

'Well team, we didn't find out a goddamn thing, but the important thing is we made things explode,' Kefka said, giggling.

'Sir, I have a question,' Gau said.

'Go ahead, mister rabbit,' Kefka said, smoke coming out of his ears.

'Are you high?'

'... Might be, why?' he said, before falling out of his chair. He quickly stood back up.

'Okay, everyone, mission accomplished, you can all go jerk off or something!' he said, falling over again

Figaro Castle

'Aargh, those idiots! How could they let themselves be killed before my evil plan was ready?' Edgar yelled.

'Well, sir, they are incredibly stupid and...' a guard said, interrupted by a crossbow bolt in the forehead 'Oh, I see, wrong thing to say, sir, I'll just drop dead now, pleasure serving you....'

As the body hit the floor, Edgar smashed a globe off the desk. A maid quickly ran in, swept it up, and replaced it.

'The stupid idiots were told to stay low, stay alert, and what do they do, at the first sign of global enforcers, rush out of the bar all guns blazing!' he yelled, smashing the globe again. The maid returned, and repeated her actions.

'...And if that bitch does that again, after I smash the globe symbolically in my rage that could end the world sort of thing, I want her taken up the mountains and have a big rock dropped on her!'

He pushed the globe again, The maid re-entered, and filled his glass.

'...And whoever is warning the staff about my threats, when I find you, I'm taking you up to the mountains for a picnic!'

'Oh, are you really, your majesty, jolly nice of you!' another guard said. Edgar shot him.

'Dumbass. Hey, wait, that's it.... DUMBASS... The Democratic Union of Muscular Bodybuilders, Actors, Supermen, and Such! Someone get me my brother!'

He then realised he'd shot both guards in the room. He emptied his glass. The maid entered.

'Get my brother here, now. I have an evil plan...' he told her, laughing insanely. He stopped when he realised the maid had not done anything.

'Well? Are you deaf?' he said. She held up a small sign saying she was Deaf.

'Oh for f... Someone with freakin' ears, get in here!'

This post has been edited by Del S on 27th July 2006 18:24

--------------------

"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.