Track this topic | Email this topic | Print this topic

I'm inspired again! Yayyyy! So I present to you, Tales of Random Idiocy. A story about me and my friends, plunged into an RPG world.

Chapter 1-
That boy ain't right.


Oh, it was just another glorious day in the neighborhood. Birds were chirping, flowers were blooming, babes were cooing. And our wonderful hero... he couldn't be hating it more. Of course, the day wasn't without it's flaws, rather, the neighborhood wasn't without it's prejudices. And, to be more specific, the prejudices were against our hero, a seeming shell of a man, a man known through the land as the ZeroHawk. They laughed at him for being so pale, taunted him for the hair that cascaded and flowed forever down his shoulders. Rocks were thrown at him, the person that met no specific stereotype, yet gathered the hatred of most, all the same. Though not all was bad, for he was not alone in his quest, he had allies, though they were few and far. One certainly stood out among the others, the Kain to his Cecil, the Larry to his Moe, the Bart to his Homer, yes indeed, it was our other hero, but not quite, Zephir.

"Hey, you're walking on the wrong side of the street buddy, this is our territory" Came a small, kind of... impish voice.

"Oh uh, sorry." Was ZeroHawk's reply as he crossed the street hastily, avoiding a nasty situation.

Something had been happening lately, something not quite right, but at the same time something that was so incredibly wondrous that he could feel deep in the depths of his stomach it was right. Since when had the neighborhood so blatantly expressed their hatred though- That's when it hit him. He wasn't in a neighborhood anymore, it looked more like a village. A beat up one at that. The houses were still modern, but country was everywhere, forest behind them, and there was about a mile of space to each next house.

"Well, eh, that's... not right." He didn't know what the hell was going on, was he being plopped into a new world? Was he... shrinking?

That paranoid bit of his mind was taking over again, throbbing, throwing questions this way and that. And finally... our hero snapped.
"YOU CAN'T HAVE MEEE! OH NO! THE TWILIGHT ZONE CAN'T HAVE MEEEE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"

Of course, being the... idiot he is, he starting running around in a circle, screaming and drawing a crowd until he collapsed.

About ten minutes passed, the crowd died down, and a short punk in a beanie went up to ZeroHawk who was still laying there, very much unconcious. First he checked his wallet, no money of course.

"Ah, the bastard, starts up a crowd like this and he doesn't even have any money" said the angry little punk as he gave ZeroHawk a swift kick in the skull.

A small number popped up over ZeroHawk, oddly enough, the numbers were white, and read '6'. Hawk, gave a small grunt as he awoke from his sleep and threw the punk a pissed glare. But rather than beat the hell out of the punk, the sky flashed, the world darkened, and ZeroHawk was standing about 10 feet away from the punk, fists raised but he was unable to move, small numbers above his head reading '28/34'.
Before Hawk could utter his "wtf" however, the punk was upon him with a swift punch to the chest, which surprisingly had little effect, as the punk was not even half Hawk's size. A white '2' popped off of Hawk, and the 28 above him subtracted to 26. Now the turn had shifted, the punk was unable to move, and Hawk had full moving ability, he charged the punk, delivering a furious clothesline to his throat. '12' Hawk lost movement again, the punk fell down to his knees and looked up to Hawk whimperingly. And as quickly as the punk had appeared, he was gone, in a quick flee. The world flashed black again, and the world was back to normal, the numbers above Hawk's head gone, his movement restored, and the world fully moving.

Of course, as he began to walk down the street, all he could utter was, "What in the name of fleeble malfundae is going on?"

Off in the horizon a village popped out of seemingly nowhere, and this village had the works. We're talking things that our hero had only seen in video games, and only dreamed could ever really exist. Armories, item shops, pubs, forges, you name it.
He didn't really feel like walking that far though, so he kinda plopped down, when he was halfway there, and set up a base camp.

"Don't tell me this place doesn't have buses. I mean, if they don't i've entered some really messed up world."

Not much time had passed, our hero with absolutely no supplies, and no wilderness experience was freezing his ass off, when salvation was so close. Buuut, he didn't feel like walking to town, so, yeah. Eventually a small frog hopped by, and, seeking some form of sustenance, he pounced it. Remember now folks, our hero is indeed a gigantic idiot. He quite quickly began licking the poisonous frog, and an insane stupor set in. Now, not to say he's a bad person, but he certainly had a few issues, and the frogs poison definitely magnified them.

"I CAN TASTE YOU SHADOW!" Hawk yelled as he pounced down the path, trying to devour his shadow.

"PURPLE PASTRY PUFFIN PUFFED PENGUIN PIE!" Another dive, another bite of the dust.

Ohhh, he kept eating the dirt, at the rate he was going though, he'd soon reach town.
"SWANEEE HOW I LOVE YA HOW I LOVE YA MY DEAR OLD SWANEE!" This was yelled of course, as our hero climbed to his feet started running, and trying to eat his wrists.

Another swift bit of running, and he tripped into the town, rolling through shouting "don't leeck the toaaad, don't leeck the toaaad", and crashing right through the door to the bar, where he once more, fell unconcious.

This post has been edited by Zero_Hawk on 1st November 2004 07:01

--------------------

This one time I punched a bear in the forehead TO DEATH! I still have the scars on my chest. I am the manliest man that ever did man.

League: Z3roHawk
Steam: Zero_Hawk
Wii U: Zero_Hawk
FF14 - Goblin - Zero Hawk <Fiend>

That is seriously the most awesomest thing I've read in a while. =D

Keep the good work up!

--------------------

~Status Report~

* Completed... Dragon's Head
* Completed... Soldiers of the Empire: Disciples (release pending)
* In Progress/Undecided... Of Love and Betrayal
* Planning/Assembly... Where it all Began

Ohh, you got some skill, Zero.
Mystery, adventure and comedy at the same time; I don't know of anyone who was able to pull all that off at one time.

--------------------

"No matter what happens, I will always be with you... forever." ---- Pocahontas, Pocahontas

"Only those who are already at the top are rewarded without trying."----- Delita Hyral, Final Fantasy Tactics

http://www.ffshrine.org/fft/fft-midi/1-42-back_fire01.mid ---- My favorite FFT battle song

I do, and his name is Del_S. -_^ Although this piece is more hilarious in a shorter time.

This post has been edited by Zephir on 22nd October 2004 00:53

--------------------

~Status Report~

* Completed... Dragon's Head
* Completed... Soldiers of the Empire: Disciples (release pending)
* In Progress/Undecided... Of Love and Betrayal
* Planning/Assembly... Where it all Began

I'm really having fun with this, because I get to poke fun at myself and friends. Hehe, who's next?

Chapter 2-
In it for the long haul now.

"Hey, Jim, we got another dumbass druggie passed out in the doorway, mind sweeping him up for me?" Came the bellowing voice of the barkeep.

"You da boss." A shrill voice responded.

Our hero was concious... sort of, so he saw the massive broom coming down over him and pushing him, rolling him, until he went tumbling down some stairs into the darkness of the pubs basement. He wasn't sure if he was still 'high' or not, but he saw eyes surrounding him, glowing red ones, that were slowing coming closer, as if they were there to consume him. A rather disturbing thought if you really think about it.

"He comeses for the precious? Does he?" A small, rapsy voice uttered.

ZeroHawk however, couldn't see from who or what it came, because of the massive amount of darkness in that room. He tried to climb to his feet, but something wet slimy and hairy knocked him down, and he had no urge to touch that again any time soon.

"I don't come for your 'precious' man, no. Especially not if it's what I think it is." ZH responded.

"Oh and what does he thinkses the precious is? Our precious is so big and round, anyone would be lucky to haveses it." said the creature.

"Yeah but..." ZH responded "The whole talky thingy is really creepy, I bet you're really some hunch back freak, right? Or an ugmo. Am I close? Are you a muuuutant? Izzat it? Huh huh huh?"

A small scream was heard before the creature responded again. "We don't likeses the big mean man! We'll be leaving with the precious now!"

And at that, the lights turned on, to reveal a small furry bearlike creature dangling from a string in to center of the room, soaking wet. Down in the corner near a mouse hole was a tiny anorexic man holding a large ripened banana.

"YOU CAN'T TAKESES IT FROM ME NOW HAHA!" The man shouted, before disappearing into the hole with his banana.

The furry creature stirred a little. "You bastard let me down! Stupid little people! I hate little people! Damnit! I'll sit on your house and eat your children! LET ME DOWN!"

ZH raised a brow. "What the hell is going on in this place? First a pygmy that's obsessed with a banana, now a rabies bag is dangling from the roof by a string!"

"Hey I ain't a rabies bag! And furthermore, the names MoogleGenocide! Get me? Em GEE. Now get me down from here dipstick, before I have to shred your insides with salty barbs."

ZH raised his brow higher. "God you're a touchy one, i'll get you down but you better watch it buddy, we gotta get outta this basement somehow, you following me? Huh?"

"Yeah yeah I get ya, now shut up and get me down." MG replied.

ZH tried to just pull the string to snap it, but that didn't work, turns out he'd have to untie it.

"Gee imagine that." MG said as he muttered "dumbass" under his breath.

ZH though, somehow managed to make quick work of the knot, and let MG drop down to the floor, with a loud thud. MG quickly climbed to his feet, and a new battle was under way.

The world flashed, a spiral of black and white, dramatic music began playing, and ZH was in a dramatic battle pose. A new thing for ZH to see though, MG had a large battle staff, that was as tall as him, and above MG were the numbers 12/12.

"That's not right! I'M the hero!" ZH rushed at MG and moved to punt him, foot flying into his fluffy stomach.

'4'. ZH froze up mid kick as control shifted to MG. MG didn't hesitate to club ZH with his staff, which sent blood flying as a whopping big white '13' appeared on ZH and his 32/32 moved down to 19/32. ZH could move again, and he didn't hesitate to kick MG once more, only the kick was higher, to the skull. '7' MG fell down to his knees.

"Bastard! Stop hacking! I'm onto you! It's just like when I used to play computer games back before the world changed! I'd click and they'd never die!" He burst into tears. "The bastards at tech support laughed at me... told me to calm down. I WON'T CALM DOWN THEY WERE HAXXORS! YOU GOT LUCKY!"

ZH shifted a bit. "Can we go now?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, i'm done." MG said as he climbed to his feet, and the two headed up the stairs.

The door actually wasn't locked, which figured, since that was the most typical thing in their situation.

The two popped into the pub's main area, much to the surprise to the keep, but he didn't really care, he'd only put them down there in the first place to get them out of the way. But MG was a very sadistic, unforgiving soul, as ZH would soon find out.

"Hey, you! Fatty McGee!" MG shouted out to the tender. "What's the big idea stuffing me in that hole huh? I gotta cut off your ear and pump you full of gasoline before you recognize your superiors?".

ZH raised a brow "Hey man, have you ever heard of ritalin? I bet it'd do wonders for you..."

"Maybe... I DON'T NEED ANY DRUGS" MG shouted in response.

"Because you're already on tons, i'm sure." Was ZH's quick, but rather stale retort.

The bar was in silent awe of this duo. How the hell the two of them partnered up, nobody would ever understand. But they were in it together now, none the less. A spontaneously quick-witted moron, and an assholish short person who quite possibly has rage disorders.

This post has been edited by Zero_Hawk on 1st November 2004 07:11

--------------------

This one time I punched a bear in the forehead TO DEATH! I still have the scars on my chest. I am the manliest man that ever did man.

League: Z3roHawk
Steam: Zero_Hawk
Wii U: Zero_Hawk
FF14 - Goblin - Zero Hawk <Fiend>

OMG. Whos MG based on? haha. Awesomeness. You got me to a fault both online and off.

This post has been edited by MogMaster on 22nd October 2004 02:51

--------------------

If you've been mod-o-fied,
It's an illusion, and you're in-between.
Don't you be tarot-fied,
It's just alot of nothing, so what can it mean?
~Frank Zappa

Sins exist only for people who are on the Way or approaching the Way

Rofl, I love the "I DON'T NEED DRUGS LINE", I got a very vivid image in my head. XD This would make the world's bestest movie/short story.

--------------------

~Status Report~

* Completed... Dragon's Head
* Completed... Soldiers of the Empire: Disciples (release pending)
* In Progress/Undecided... Of Love and Betrayal
* Planning/Assembly... Where it all Began

ROFL ZH... this is great stuf... so comical. I love the "I DON'T NEED DRUGS LINE" line as well.

--------------------

"We're not tools of the government or anyone else. Fighting... fighting was the only thing I was ever good at, but at least I always fought for what I believed in." - Frank Yeager (a.k.a. Grey Fox)

Bizzare, Random, Bizarre, Insane , Random, Insane and Funny as hell. "I dont need drugs" is a quote up there with "I love the smell of Napalm in the morning" IMO. Genius in action.



--------------------

"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

Chapter 3-
A proposition in the dead of night.

The two had sat down to a tiny meal at a table in the bar, meager rations, which pissed MoogleGenocide off extremely, because if ZeroHawk hadn't have mooched that 1.50 he could've gotten a full meal. "You know you owe me right? I mean, you're gonna be making this up to me for decades, every step we take is another ten cents on your bill, pal." MG whispered.

"You're a nasty little man, you know that?" ZH said quickly as he took a bite of the meager salad he had gotten.

"So where do we go from here anyway?" Was ZH's next comment

"From what i've gathered, which is basically, what I know and you told me. The world changed around us. You and me are some of, if not the only people that remember the original world. This is totally a rip of something I saw on tv."

"So why not do what they do on TV?" MG queried.

"Which is?" ZH responded.

"Find the wise man, dumbass!" MG said bitterly as he backhanded ZH.

"So who's the wise man then?" ZH sighed.

MG gave another silent mumble of 'idiot' under his breath, before finally responding. "Look, dumbass, the wiseman is obviously the most inconspicuous person in the viscinity, ideally, he won't look wise at all, but he's smarter than all the smart people in the world. Even smarter than EGGS!"

"Oh, so... you're saying we won't recognize him even remotely when we see him." ZH muttered.

"PRECISELY!" MG said aloud.

"Glad we have that all understood, let's get a move on." ZH sighed.

"Caaaaan do." MG said as he hopped out of his chair, ZH in tow.

It was rather dark outside a few oddly colored streetlamps the only things to provide any source of light whatsoever, which helped ZH to realize the task at hand would be much more difficult. With MG in the lead they were quickly lost, as, the short man had no sense of direction. "LEFT! RIGHT! ONE! TWO!" MG shouted as he took a turn down an alley, then another, and another, until they were so lost they had no chance of leaving the town until daylight. A bit of time passed, MG had managed to make a shoddy fire out of an apple core, some newspaper, ZH's glasses, and a rock.

"Hey, what's that blurry thing coming towards us?" ZH asked as he chewed a rock "Y'know, this taffy is pretty hard."

"Just some peddler, shut up and eat." MG replied.

The peddler slowly got closer and closer, until he disappeared. And an instant later, reappeared before them in a puff of smoke "POOF!" he yelled out.

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING A POOF?!" MG yelled in fury.

"Um... it's called a sound effect." The peddler responded coolly.

"Hehe, you guys are dumb." Was ZH's side comment.

"So as you boys can see, i'm a simple peddler, and I sell simple things." The peddler hefted a tiny suitcase up over his suitcase. "Tell me, what could I do to interest you in one of these fiiiiiine suitcases? Suitcase of put my donkey."

"What? What on earth would we need suitcases for ya maniac?" MG raised a brow high as he reached for his club.

"Well ya see, I can tell you guys are on a journey, and these suitcases. Suitcase of put my donkey. Why they're big enough to store a donkey in! And any adventurer knows you can't go far without something to store items in! Take it from me! Wiseman Neal!" said... the peddler/wiseman Neal.

"Hey it's the wiseman! We should take his advice and get a suitcase-" ZH but was abruptly interrupted by Neal who said. "Suitcase of put my Donkey."

"Yeah, but... we don't have any money. Lets jump him, knock him unconcious, rob him blind, cut out his liver, and leave him in a tub full of ice in a seedy hotel. Then we can sell his liver on the blackmarket and have some money." said MG with a glimmer of evil in his eyes.

"Err, no that's ok you guys can have one, no charge, I gotta run now. Good luck with your suitcase! Suitcase of put my donkey." And with that, Neal was gone once more.

This post has been edited by Zero_Hawk on 23rd October 2004 19:28

--------------------

This one time I punched a bear in the forehead TO DEATH! I still have the scars on my chest. I am the manliest man that ever did man.

League: Z3roHawk
Steam: Zero_Hawk
Wii U: Zero_Hawk
FF14 - Goblin - Zero Hawk <Fiend>

Hahaha. Thats hilarious. Can't wait for chapter 4.

--------------------

If you've been mod-o-fied,
It's an illusion, and you're in-between.
Don't you be tarot-fied,
It's just alot of nothing, so what can it mean?
~Frank Zappa

Sins exist only for people who are on the Way or approaching the Way

You had me at Put My Donkey. XD

--------------------

~Status Report~

* Completed... Dragon's Head
* Completed... Soldiers of the Empire: Disciples (release pending)
* In Progress/Undecided... Of Love and Betrayal
* Planning/Assembly... Where it all Began

Put my donkey?

Well, there's evidence he was a Wise Man alright. Its blitheringly obvious of course.

Just gets funnier and funnier. Can't wait for the next chapter , hopefully with added donkey.

--------------------

"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

You are way too funny! Thank God I wasn't drinking Kool-Aid when I was reading this, or Mom would've killed me.

Aside from that, excellent. Hope Chapter 4 is coming soon. (REAL soon)

--------------------

"No matter what happens, I will always be with you... forever." ---- Pocahontas, Pocahontas

"Only those who are already at the top are rewarded without trying."----- Delita Hyral, Final Fantasy Tactics

http://www.ffshrine.org/fft/fft-midi/1-42-back_fire01.mid ---- My favorite FFT battle song

Chapter 4-
A new... special friend.

Daylight came with as much swiftness as it could in the dead of winter. Which, wasn't much. The fire had died out, and a very deep sleeping ZeroHawk hadn't noticed when MoogleGenocide stole every extra bit of clothing from ZH that he could, leaving ZH with just the bare essentials of shoes, shirt, pants and underwear. MG, quite comfortable in his extra layers of clothing, had found refuge in a cardboard box. The suns awakening rays of light hit ZH first, breaking through his eyelids and shooting into his brain, making him convulse as he violently awoke.

"I WAS SLEEPING DAMNIT! YOU BASTARD! I'LL BLOW YOU UP! OR FREEZE YOU! Or... whatever... y'know... stops suns..." ZH yelled in a fury, awakening MG.

MG responded by slamming his club into the back of ZH's neck and yelling "SHUT UP OR I'LL FEED YOU TO YOURSELF, ASSHAT!"

ZH gave a small sigh. "Touchy... touchy."

So with the suns light out, and sleep out of reach, they returned to their journey. It was decided the suitcase would be ZH's possession since he yet had nothing but the clothes on his back. And they began making their way out of the alley.

"So what'm I gonna do with this anyway?" ZH asked as he hefted the suitcase up over his shoulder "Are we gonna go catch a donkey."

"...Yeah, we're gonna go catch a donkey, and stuff it in your suitcase." MG said, with bitter sarcasm.

ZH grinned "Then we can get a CHEESEBURGER!"

"...I hate you." MG grimaced as he took his first step out of the alley. But it wasn't into town, surprisingly. It was out into a desert, street going through it. A freeway that seemed to go on for a while. Far off in the distance was what looked like the blurry outline of a car. The two gave a small sigh as they started to walk.

"I know what'll make this walk go faster." ZH nodded.

"What's that? You shutting up?" MG glared stonily as he took quick steps.

"Nope, conversation! Here's a mind bender for you! How do birds get pregnant?" ZH's eyes widened as this was said.

"Uh, well, when a daddy bird loves a mommy bird-" MG started to say.

"No no! What do they do that WITH though? Huh?" ZH's eyes widened again as he stared at MG and walked.

"Well... uhh... hmm..." MG stared at the ground as he walked, thoughts of birds consuming his mind "NOW I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT BIRDS DOING IT! YOU'RE AN ASS! WHY I OUGHTA-" Before MG could finish his statement, they had arrived at the car, and been interrupted by some lazy looking shady guy sitting on the hood.

"Heyyy, i'll teach you guys how to make a blizzard if you fix my car." said the shady man.

"You'll teach me to control the very elements if we fix your piece of shit?! I'd be happy to!" ZH yelled out, before leaning over to MG and whispering. "You know anything about cars?"

MG sighed "Uhhh, nope."

"No no, you've got me all wrong." said the shady guy. "I meant a blizzard ice cream treat. I work at dairy queen. Folks call me Zephir."

"Hey that's funny! My friend Zephir is named Zephir!" ZH said, like a dumbass.

"Oh, you look like my friend ZeroHawk, now that I think about it. 'izzat you ZH?" Zeph replied.

"It totally is." ZH nodded

Zeph smiled "Sweet."

So another had joined the outcasts, making the duo of freaks, a trio of miscreants. But this next one wasn't without his own weird quirks. ZH was a moron, MG had violent outbursts, Zeph, well... Zeph was obsessed with fuzzy soft things, as would soon become apparent.

Zeph twitched a bit as he sat on his car. "Hey, you guys feel that?"

"Feel what? Is your lazy sense tingling? Is it nap time?" MG raised a brow.

Zeph shook his head. "No, there's something fuzzy... over... there!" He pointed east and twitched as he hopped off the car. Running in that general direction.

"What's going on?" ZH inquired.

"You're all damn freaks, that's what!" MG responded.

Zeph crouched down a bit, falling forward, hands touching the ground as he closed in on the fuzzy thing. "BUNNY! FUZZY BUNNY! MUST HUG BUNNY!" The bunny in question looked up at Zeph, squeaked and began hopping like the wind, but to no avail, as Zeph hopped right after it. "You cannot escape ME!" he cried out, before pouncing upon the bunny and hugging it close. "Mmm, soft. "

After having his moment with the bunny, Zeph returned to the group, and they went to the task of trying to fix the car, but ZH eventually had to go onto time out, because he almost blew up the engine when he stuck MG's club in it while they were trying to run the car.

This post has been edited by Zero_Hawk on 25th October 2004 02:01

--------------------

This one time I punched a bear in the forehead TO DEATH! I still have the scars on my chest. I am the manliest man that ever did man.

League: Z3roHawk
Steam: Zero_Hawk
Wii U: Zero_Hawk
FF14 - Goblin - Zero Hawk <Fiend>

lolol. You know how i love it. Can't wait for chapter 5.

--------------------

If you've been mod-o-fied,
It's an illusion, and you're in-between.
Don't you be tarot-fied,
It's just alot of nothing, so what can it mean?
~Frank Zappa

Sins exist only for people who are on the Way or approaching the Way

Quote

"No no, you've got me all wrong." said the shady guy. "I meant a blizzard ice cream treat. I work at dairy queen. Folks call me Zephir."

"Hey that's funny! My friend Zephir is named Zephir!" ZH said, like a dumbass.

*LMAO*

My favorite lines of this one. XD

--------------------

~Status Report~

* Completed... Dragon's Head
* Completed... Soldiers of the Empire: Disciples (release pending)
* In Progress/Undecided... Of Love and Betrayal
* Planning/Assembly... Where it all Began

That unfortunate rabbit...

This gets insaner by the minute. I like it!

--------------------

"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

(rotflmao) What the hell...!? You ain't got no sense!! I like that in an author.

--------------------

"No matter what happens, I will always be with you... forever." ---- Pocahontas, Pocahontas

"Only those who are already at the top are rewarded without trying."----- Delita Hyral, Final Fantasy Tactics

http://www.ffshrine.org/fft/fft-midi/1-42-back_fire01.mid ---- My favorite FFT battle song

Heh. Good job integrating randomness and nonsensicality.

Only suggestion I have is work on your paragraph structure, which improved greatly around chapter three.

--------------------

"I had to write four novels before they let me write comic books."
-Brad Meltzer

Chapter 5
Desert Encounters

The sun had steadily gone down, bringing a stiff, chill wind over the land that froze ZeroHawk to the very bone. MoogleGenocide and Zephir seemed very comfortable on the other hand, resting inside the car, heater on, using blankets, each reclining in his respective seat, Zeph the driver, MG the passenger. ZH however had drawn the short straw, so he had to sit outside the car, brandishing MG's club in case anything might try to attack them in the dead of night. One thing had, but it was tiny, so ZH smashed it with ease.

"S-s-so c-c-cold." ZH said with a tiny shiver, his fingers feeling as though they had actually frozen to the club itself.

Of course, it was still hours away from sunrise, and everyone knows how cold the desert can get at night, but to top it off, they were in a viper desert, and ZH didn't have a hard metal casing to protect him like the others did. Oh how he wished for those powers he'd seen in the games now the fiery magics and the antidotal spells, how much good he could do himself with those, keeping himself alive in a chaotic world like this. And of course, there was always some beautiful goddess behind the spell, casting it, chanting it. Flowing locks, beautiful full figure, a small bit of drool began to run down the corner of ZH's mouth. He gave a small sigh as he shook his head.

"If only if only. You poor fool." ZH's head shook a bit more before he looked down, eyes falling upon a snake, a rather large snake.

"Whoa, you certainly look... poisonous." ZH gulped slightly as he defensively clutched the club.

A slight rattling noise could be heard, causing ZH to tremble as he pulled the club up into a striking position. Somebody was certainly going down tonight, when it came to this battle between the viper and the valiant numbskull. The snake hissed and lunged forward, fangs digging deep into ZH's calf injecting a fiery painful hallucinigenic venom that wouldn't quite kill him, but would certainly put him out of it. ZH, caught up in the moment, brought the club crashing down, wide gnarly wooden mass crushing the snakes bony skull against his leg, causing another intense rush of pain to wash over his leg as the hallucinigens began to hit him.

"I taste purple..." ZH began to smack his lips, one hand rubbing his swollen calf as he hobbled around the car.

The number above his head had dropped down to a meager '9' before it vanished. And now ZH couldn't seem to be able to get rid of this odd taste in his mouth, sort of cottony, all over his lips, it kept making him smack, suck, and lick them. Hazel eyes widened intensely, seeming to glow with a sort of purple fire from beneath his many strands of hair as the venoms effects hit him like a sack of doorknobs wielded by the meanest group of vigilantes you could ever imagine. One hand began to hammer against the car window, face smearing up and down it, leaving drool trails.

"BRAINS!" ZH cried out as he licked the window and pounded it fiercely. "BRAAAAAINS!"

This didn't seem to phase either of the people in the car however, as they were so deeply asleep. MG was snoring soundly, and Zeph was doing his own special sleeping thing. A few more moments passed with ZH crying "BRAINS" and the sleeping patterns shifted a bit.

Zeph took in a small breath before releasing a deep snore. "Hnnnnkkkk"

"Me me me me me me me me me" came the quick follow up from MG in his sound slumber, now the joint slumber of the two.

A few moments passed, and ZH's growling died down, though the pounding stayed strong as he slowly hobbled his way around the mass of the car. In his current state all he knew was there were things inside the car, and he wanted the things. His head dragged along the windows, lips and saliva leaving a thick trail of drool. Of course, if his brain wasn't so clouded, he would have known to simply open the door.

"Rawrghrrr! BRAAAINS!" ZH cried as he bounced his head against the window nearest MG, finally causing him to stir slightly.

"Huh? What? Who's that? Who's there?" MG yawned sleepily "Did we get sent into a B movie? It was when we decided to sleep in the car right? Next there'll be a hook scraping the car."

Zeph gave a small mumble "Shut up, i'm trying to sleep..."

"You know ZH is outside, trying to get in to violate us or something right?" MG sighed.

"Is he?" Zeph raised a brow.

"Yep." MG nodded.

"BRAINS!" ZH gave one last angry shout, fist coming to strike the window as he tried to get in.

Zeph and MG sat in the car, beginning to set up a plan. They had to do something, especially after noticing ZH's big purple swollen calf. ZH in his own twist of fate, had completely moved away from the car, stripped down to his skivvys, and began to madly dash around, as though running away from something.

"Got it?" MG asked curiously.

"Got it." Zeph replied.

The two climbed out of their car and split up, slowly moving to trap the nearly nude ZH. MG on his way had grabbed his club, and began to wield it readily.

"NO MORE SHADOW PEOPLE! THE TINY MEN IN ROBES WANT ME AGAIN! AHHHH!" ZH yelled as he ran like hell, disregarding anything and everything.

ZH tripped, and flew through the air, skidding and skipping until he stopped. At that moment he began to madly dig, trying to get away from whatever it was that pursued him. MG and Zeph saw their opportunity and made a mad dash to grab ZH. MG grabbed him by the wrists, Zeph by the ankles, and they began to carry him back to the car.

"LET ME GO SHE DEVILS! I WILL SMEAR UNTO YOU THE PIE OF RIGHTEOUS WRATH!" ZH yelled as he writhed in fury.

MG and Zeph got ZH back to the car soon enough, and MG conked ZH over the head with his club, knocking him out real quick, before he kicked him in the side a couple of times.

"Ass" MG said "I oughta beat you senseless, tie a steak to your genitals, and leave you in the desert."

"So what now?" Zeph asked.

"I guess we head to that town off the in the distance." MG responded.

--------------------

This one time I punched a bear in the forehead TO DEATH! I still have the scars on my chest. I am the manliest man that ever did man.

League: Z3roHawk
Steam: Zero_Hawk
Wii U: Zero_Hawk
FF14 - Goblin - Zero Hawk <Fiend>

Rofl. Awesomeness. Totally mawaii

--------------------

If you've been mod-o-fied,
It's an illusion, and you're in-between.
Don't you be tarot-fied,
It's just alot of nothing, so what can it mean?
~Frank Zappa

Sins exist only for people who are on the Way or approaching the Way

Too bad he didn't think he was vegan... "GRAAAAAAAAAIIIIIINNNSSSS... O___O"

--------------------

~Status Report~

* Completed... Dragon's Head
* Completed... Soldiers of the Empire: Disciples (release pending)
* In Progress/Undecided... Of Love and Betrayal
* Planning/Assembly... Where it all Began

Heh, Zombie-Hallucinations. Very very cool new chapter.

--------------------

"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

Chapter 6
Rowplox

The group had been walking for so long, they had to leave the car behind because of a flat which caused MG to spend about an hour cussing up a storm. But the town that they so sought was only feet away now, they saw it standing before them, so high up, yet still out of reach, almost as if it existed to taunt the trio.

"The gates closed." Was the first comment, which came from Zephir.

"So how do we get in?" Asked ZeroHawk.

"We throw Zeph over so he can open the gate for us, duh." MoogleGenocide said as he smacked ZH upside the head.

Zeph gave a small nervous chuckle as he noticed MG eyeing him like a shiny prize. Oh yeah, MG had big plans for his new meat shield, as would soon be apparent. MG quickly moved over to Zeph and grabbed him by the wrists.

"Come on ZH, get his ankles so we can toss him." MG urged.

"Hey, I don't like this..." Zeph whimpered slightly.

"'kay..." ZH said as he moved over to Zeph, grabbing his ankles.

"Now swing him back and forth, in a few seconds i'll start counting, when I say three toss him. If we throw him hard and high enough, he'll sail over the fence."

ZH nodded as the plan was explained and began to slowly swing Zeph back and forth in sync with MG. MG was obviously a twisted mastermind when it came to these things. The swinging soon became further and higher, finally, MG began counting.

"Ok." MG said "One... two... THREE!"

The two released their grasps upon Zephir at the same time, sending him flying, but not quite high enough to go over the gate.

"AHHHHH!" Zeph yelled as he flew.

In an ironic twist of fate however, the gate opened, and Zeph went flying into town, through the air, into a bunch of chicken crates. ZH and MG, not wanting the gates to close before they got in, made a mad dash into town. A loud deep voice called out to them from the guard's tower.

"What business have you in the fair town of Rowplox?" Asked the voice.

"We were um... lost and hungry and um... yeah." ZH replied.

"Oh. Well you should've knocked. Jerk." The voice said with a hint of anger.

"Sorry, the boys not quite right in the head, his mom dropped him too many times as a baby, y'know?" MG said quickly.

"Ah, alright then, don't misbehave in town." said the voice.

Zeph walked up behind the two, grumbling angrily and brushing feathers off his person. It was decided they should hit the pub to think up what to do next. The only pub in the town was rather beat up and seedy. But they were hungry, and Zeph had some cash, so MG insisted. They headed down the path to the pub and looked up to the sign, which got an immediate response out of ZH.

"The Wolf Udder Inn. Oh yeah, sounds greaaaat." ZH said with a sigh.

"Oh shut up, you whine more than a woman. It's not like you're paying." MG grumbled.

ZH shot MG a glare and Zeph seemed oblivious to the conflict as the three entered the tavern. The air inside was was dank and smoky, as a result of all the people obliviously puffing cigars. The trio each glanced back and forth between eachother before looking for a table. Zeph silently pointed to an empty table near the bar and the others nodded, causing the three to move to it and take their respective seats.

"So where do we go from here?" Zeph asked as he leaned his head on his hand.

"Look, it's obvious. In tv and video games and all that stuff, the second town you hit, what do you do? You go to the pub, you look for the shady out of place character, and he's the next big thing, be it friend or foe. Now keep your eyes open." MG said as he glanced around sharply.

Oddly though, ZH was the first to notice anyone "What about him?"

"Who?" MG responded.

"The guy in the bandana." ZH pointed.

Zeph quickly slapped ZH's hand "Don't point dummy!"

"I do WHAT I want, WHEN I want! Thank you very much." ZH glared at Zeph.

"So should we talk to him?" Zeph asked.

"I guess." MG nodded "Go talk to him ZH."

"Why me?" ZH raised a brow.

MG scratched his chin for a moment "Because uh... you're the leader."

"Oh, right, 'kay." ZH stood and started to head over to the bandana'd man.

MG grinned darkly "Heh, sucker."

Slowly ZH approached the man at the bar in the bandana. He appeared to be drinking some sort of fruity concoction, and his body was a sort of shady light mixture. Eyes glew with a bright white intensity while his hair was jet black with a black bandana to match. Dark crimson splotched armor adorned the mans body, aside from his gauntlets, which were a golden white meld.

"Hey there buddy. How's it going?" ZH said cautiously as he studied the person, taking the stool next to him.

"Hello there short person! I see you appear to be rather timid! As is proper, since you are in the presence of the mighty DarkPaladin! All tremble before my useless knowledge and boldly over analyzed opinions!" responded the person who called himself DarkPaladin.

"I see. Does that mean you know everything?" ZH quirked a brow.

"I like to think so, o ye of little knowledge." DP grinned.

"What makes you think I have little knowledge?" ZH's brow rose higher.

"Well I first noted that you had long hair. Generally only hippies and idiots have long hair, therefore I can deduce that you really aren't that smart. Next I noticed that you're in a dangerous world yet your only equipment is a t-shirt and jeans that are tattered at the bottom, that furthers my belief that you are in fact an idiot and i'm better than you in every way possible." DP said rather quickly, as though he didn't even have to think about that statement.

ZH stared at DP blankly for a moment, a long moment which only caused DP to be confused. Did this person not see how correct he was? ZH finally just walked back to the table and returned to his spot, leaving DP befuddled. ZH tapped his fingers on the table for a moment before speaking again.

"Yeah, no. I don't want to talk to him. Make Zeph do it." ZH said.

"Why me?" Zeph queried.

"Because I said." Was ZH's reply.

"I've got a better idea. Zeph, go steal from him." MG nodded "We can get money."

"What makes you think I can steal?!" Zeph raised a brow high.

"Because you're the thief, duh. MG's the Cleric, i'm the Monk, and you're the Theif." ZH said without blinking.

"WHY AM I THE THEIF?!" Zeph's brow went higher still.

"Because you're mexican, dummy." MG blinked at Zeph.

"..." Zeph glared at MG "...this isn't over."

Zeph spent the next while silently glaring at MG and ZH, who were oblivious to the ominous looks they were receiving from their quite enraged companion.

"So what do we do about chuckles over at the bar? He's obviously our next task." MG tilted his head towards DP, who was sipping his drink.

"Maybe we should have Zeph steal his equipment, and then we can beat him up when he's defenseless." ZH nodded.

Oddly enough they were actually planning something out. But it didn't last for long, because the moment DP finished his drink he stood from his stool and walked over to them.

"I couldn't help but notice you three buffoons were planning something. I must say you've got it all wrong. The best way to take me out would be for the shrimpy one to jab me in the stomach with his club, the monk to punch me in the throat and the theif to strip me naked and leave me for dead. Of course, thats just how us smart people would do it." DP said, butting in.

"Oh, well, thanks for the help smart person. We appreciate it." MG nodded "You heard him guys."

And so the three did exactly what DP said. MG clubbed him in the gut, ZH punched him in the throat, and Zeph stripped him naked. The white number above DP went down to '1' as he fell down to the ground, naked.

"P-perfect execution... you simple minded buffoons." DP uttered weakly as the three took off out of the bar.

Zeph had gotten quite a lot of loot, so much that each person had to carry some of it. Upon getting outside the three decided to go to the pawn shop, but as soon as they started to head down that path, a dark figure cut them off.

This post has been edited by Zero_Hawk on 2nd November 2004 03:07

--------------------

This one time I punched a bear in the forehead TO DEATH! I still have the scars on my chest. I am the manliest man that ever did man.

League: Z3roHawk
Steam: Zero_Hawk
Wii U: Zero_Hawk
FF14 - Goblin - Zero Hawk <Fiend>

I hope it's not Ackbar's Ye Olde Pawn Shoppe... >.>'

--------------------

~Status Report~

* Completed... Dragon's Head
* Completed... Soldiers of the Empire: Disciples (release pending)
* In Progress/Undecided... Of Love and Betrayal
* Planning/Assembly... Where it all Began

ROFLOLMAO. So much laughing outloud. I love it!

--------------------

If you've been mod-o-fied,
It's an illusion, and you're in-between.
Don't you be tarot-fied,
It's just alot of nothing, so what can it mean?
~Frank Zappa

Sins exist only for people who are on the Way or approaching the Way

My God!! Thank you for Chapters 5 and 6! I've been waiting soooo long!!! You had me kicking that time!!!!

--------------------

"No matter what happens, I will always be with you... forever." ---- Pocahontas, Pocahontas

"Only those who are already at the top are rewarded without trying."----- Delita Hyral, Final Fantasy Tactics

http://www.ffshrine.org/fft/fft-midi/1-42-back_fire01.mid ---- My favorite FFT battle song

This is purest comedic gold. More please, preferrably with more robbery.


--------------------

"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

I just now got around to reading this, and I must say, I'm lovin' your brand of senseless comedy. Please, bring more of the funny!

--------------------

Words of Wisdom:

If something can go wrong, it will.

If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. - Murphy’s Law

Boing! Zoom! - Mr. Saturn