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Cloud and Tifa Final Fantasy 7

The night was slowly drawing in. As cloud and Tifa looked up at the highwind cloud thought ‘will anyone come back’ while Tifa was thinking ‘I hope this lasts’. “Cloud?, I wanted to say this for a long time. Ever since the gondola ride at the gold saucer I wanted to tell you that…..” she paused and hesitated. “what?” Cloud asked. “Don’t get mad. But…well…..I love you.” She waited for a response from Cloud. “Then she added “I know that I should have said so at the gold saucer but I was to afraid and now that Aerith has gone I feel guilty for saying-” “I love you too.” Cloud interrupted and said “ I thought ever since we were small you were too good for me. And when I asked you to meet me at the well that night you look so beautiful I just wanted to hold you.” Clouds hand slipped into tifa’s then he said, “When Aerith came into my life I found a good friend and I thought what I felt for her was love but I always wanted you.” Tifa thought to herself, ‘oh Cloud’. Tifa looked at Cloud. Her eyes started to water and this made them twinkle in the starlight. “You look beautiful. I could gaze into your eyes forever.” Cloud whispered in her ear. He pulled her closer and Tifa tried to speak “I…I..” Cloud Kissed her. He pressed his lips onto hers and they embraced as the night fell on them and they made love under the moonlight.
When Morning came Cloud Proposed to Tifa and she accepted.


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"you did something I saw as your suicide: you refused to an admin WITHOUT GIVING ANY PROPER REASON.
"
SilverMaduin 4th September-2006
Heh Heh... Rap music....

There's not much story to that - I can understand the concept of a oneshot, but this seems pretty thin.

There's a lot of what appears to be pretty clumsy use of punctuation, capitalisation, et cetera.

If you're serious about this being a submission, I'm sure one of the writers here would be happy to comment and help you flesh it out.

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"To create something great, you need the means to make a lot of really bad crap." - Kevin Kelly

Why aren't you shopping AmaCoN?

This story has an okay plot foundation but the walls they are a-crumblin'.

First, it's a little short. Well, it's too short. Under 300 words: Around half of nearly every other fic currently on CoN for a comparision.

Second, Its a little clustered and hard to read.
Your way results in multiple people speaking in one line. Most other fics are written with each statement upon a line by itself: yours is essentially written upon a single line. try to space it like this:

Quote

“what?” Cloud asked.
“Don’t get mad. But…well…..I love you.”
She waited for a response from Cloud.

Lastly,a little demi-hypocrytical niggle: simplistic dialogue. By that, I mean its a little rough and very much 'to the point'.It also seems to go a little too fast for what should really be a tough line of conversation for the two of them.
I'm afraid I am certainly not a person able to help counteract that one, as I do it myself a lot.

This post has been edited by Del S on 11th March 2005 17:41

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"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

This isn't very, er... how should I put it... let's just say it could be better.

Although I can understand this was meant to be a short story, events occure terribly fast and with very little "meat" to them. "Hey Cloud, I love you." "Really? Hey, me too!" *insert gratuitous sex scene* "Ok. Now let's get married!"

Give your story more of a build-up. The story feels like little more than an ending; expand a little on things. Toss in descriptions, more actions and a longer timeline; y'know, meat. Don't be afraid to leave us guessing at the end; that Cloud and Tifa sleep together and get engaged the very night they reveal their feelings to each other is cute, but is it realistic? Not very. Is it interesting? Neither; it's very cliché, generic, and quite bland. A realistic relationship will build up progressively: people get close, reveal they like each other, things build up to the first kiss, the first intimate moments; perhaps a few years after a stable relationship, proposal. Not in one night.

Give the reader something that'll keep their attention and draw them in, not a rehash of something we've all seen many iterations of before. And don't be afraid to leave some loose ends here and there. Their future doesn't have to be set in stone; obviously being married 24 hours within their first confession is extremely unrealistic, so why not wrap things up with an opening for their future? As I understand it, this is at the end of CD 2. Why not have the buildup of people leaving and Cid and Tifa being alone for the night, some small talk, difficult revelations, an innocent hug and shy first kiss, some tender words, and a concluding paragraph revealing them asleep in each other's arms as the rest of the crew returns from their respective journeys? A full-blown overnight confession-kiss-sex-marriage sounds... well, way too hasty, as though the only purpose of the fic was to have a pretext to have Cloud and Tifa bring out the big guns right off the bat.

Oh, little nitpick; don't be afraid to use paragraphs to space things out and make it easier on the reader.

This post has been edited by Silverlance on 11th March 2005 22:26

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"Judge not a man by his thoughts and words, but by
the quality and quantity of liquor in his possession
and the likelyhood of him sharing."

ok thanks i will have a go. i just had that idea in my head and wanted it to get out. thanks for the help hopefully i could get somemore feedback and how to im prove and i will do so over the week. thanks Tifas Lover x

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"you did something I saw as your suicide: you refused to an admin WITHOUT GIVING ANY PROPER REASON.
"
SilverMaduin 4th September-2006
Heh Heh... Rap music....

Pretty good for a romantic short story you have there. (cloud + tifa always was a cute couple, but I always ended up with aeris o.o)

Quote

He pressed his lips onto hers and they embraced as the night fell on them and they made love under the moonlight.
When Morning came Cloud Proposed to Tifa and she accepted.

This, probably wasn't the best way to end a short romantic story/paragraph/whatever a short story may be called. If you were to write a full xx(insert multiple page numaber here) story, then yeah, that would work.

This post has been edited by Strife543 on 16th March 2005 19:25

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Link: "What is it?"
Mario: "It's coin, what the hell does it look like?"
Link: "Well.... What do you do with it?"
Mario: "You buy lives with them."
Link: ".... Isn't that slavery?"
~Mario/Link crossover comic~