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While working on a multi-chaptered fanfic, I would often get lose my way and wander off into another story. This is one of those side-projects, I guess.

I'd copy and paste it into here, but those functions seem to be gone on my computer, so I'll upload it. Tell me what you think.

Attached File ( Number of downloads: 15 )
 Sand_and_Sieve.doc

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It's gonna be a glorious day
I feel my luck can change

That's good writing. Grief and hopeless overcome by the harshness of reality, yet having the love of a devoted sibling to look to the future and see their lives to the very end, going wherever fate leads them. Kudos for a great job in leading to a follow-up on the story .

Edit

There are some grammatical and spelling errors, but it's consistent with the game, so it's pretty much a non-issue.

This post has been edited by FabulousFreebird on 19th March 2005 13:32

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"Thought I was dead, eh? Not until I fulfill my dream!"
Seifer Almasy


"The most important part of the story is the ending."
Secret Window


"Peace is but a shadow of death."
Kuja

Thanks for reviewing it. Could you tell me the errors so I could correct it? The ones Word underlined weren't incorrect.

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It's gonna be a glorious day
I feel my luck can change

It's a little... short. Is this finished?

Anyway, Wordperfect doesn't find any spelling mistakes. As for general mistakes and mistakes that can't be picked up by a spell checker:

>Alma figure, strong in its frailty, sat composed

- Alma's figure

>sat composed on a long-gone oak stump, staring at her grief-stricken

- I think you mean that the tree is long-gone, but here you've written that the oak stump is long gone. Maybe "on the stump of a long-gone oak tree,"

>sparked off of memories that were being stripped away.

- I know you're being colourful, and that's not inherently bad, but I don't see how this makes sense. If they're remembering memories and bawling about them, how are they being stripped away? Wouldn't they be emphasized? If memories were being stripped away, I'd imagine that would be because the person/people are forgetting events. That someone or something is taking the memories away.

>“The farce has been cast and our performance is over, brother.

- The farce has been cast? Don't you mean the dye has been cast? Unless this is an FFT-ism.

>Your words pain me, but the will not break my esteem for you.”

- but they will not

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I had an old signature. Now I've changed it.

Again, as Dee has so kindly dealt with the specifics, I'll take up the work of correcting general mistakes.

Your writing is good, with a generally high level of vocabulary - always a plus in my book. But strangely, this is also the most glaring weakness in the work so far. Though Ramza and Alma are high-class members of important aristocratic families, their dialogue is a little over-the-top even then. Some of the word choices and general phrasing in their speech really detract from the experience, especially considering the environmental familiarity of a brother-sister relationship.

Obviously, this is still a work in progress. Try retooling your dialogue, and make sure you plan everything out well. Good luck.

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"I always have a quotation for everything - it saves original thinking."
~Dorothy L. Sayers

"The truly remarkable thing about television is that it allows several million people to laugh at the same joke and still feel lonely."
~T.S. Eliot

"Defeat is not defeat unless accepted as reality - in your own mind!"
~ Bruce Lee

Geez, those are a lot of grammatical errors. I must have been half asleep or something (but strangely, I though punctuational errors were my most common). But, all suggestions and criticisms are duly noted, so thanks.

And as for the length, it wasn't supposed to extend beyond what was written. There are shorter fics up, so don't pick on me! =p

This post has been edited by Shotgunnova on 20th March 2005 10:35

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It's gonna be a glorious day
I feel my luck can change

Quick as lightning post from me.

Quote

>“The farce has been cast and our performance is over, brother.

- The farce has been cast? Don't you mean the dye has been cast? Unless this is an FFT-ism.

I'm guessing here that you meant the cast members of the farce (play) had been selected? If so, it's quite jumbled up and hard to understand. Also, I think Elena meant to say "die" instead of "dye," but if you change the first half of that sentence the whole thing becomes a nasty mixed metaphor.

So maybe something like:

"We have acted out our roles in this farce. Our performance is over, brother."

Or something.

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Some ghost of me might greet my son
the day he is delivered.


Eternal Sleep, Track 1-1: The Blue Planet

Oops, thanks L. Cully. I thought the expression was "The dye has been cast", meaning that it's done, you can't go back and change it. Like if you dyed something blue, you can't easily go back to, say, green.

I think I had the general idea of it right, though, as I've now been told that it's die as in dice. You've rolled the die, and now you have to deal with the result.

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I had an old signature. Now I've changed it.