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hey everyone. well this is my first attempt at writing a fanfic. im just gonna post a few chapters, and maybe someone can tell me if im doing anything wrong. i appreciate anyones comments, suggestions, or corrections. i have about 15 or 16 chapters done, but i think these will do for now....i hope you guys like it

Alliance

I.
Terra awoke suddenly and sat up in her soft cushioned bed. She had a nightmare, one that reminded her of the past; a past that she would never forget. Terra Branford is a young 18 year-old woman who resides in the small town of Narshe up to the North. She’s of average build: about 5’7”, green eyes, soft light green hair, and creamy tanned white skin. Sweet, shy, and beautiful, Terra is never one to get into trouble regardless of the circumstances. However, last year, she embarked on an adventurous journey to stop the world from being destroyed. Being half-esper, and half-human, Terra contained the only means to defend the world, for she was the only individual with a direct connection to magic. Since the journey, Terra has settled down in Narshe. After standing up and looking out the window, Terra saw that it was just after dawn.
“I better check on the children,” she said quietly to herself.
As she left her room and walked down the hall, Terra thought of how the children ended up in Narshe. Just after Kefka was defeated, Terra wanted to return to Mobliz where she had left some orphans. Rather than stay in the destroyed village, Terra decided to take the kids with her to Narshe, where she can care for them in a much safer atmosphere. Compliments to Setzer’s Falcon, the kids were transported to Narshe in the blink of an eye.
Terra slowly opened the door to the children’s room and peaked inside.
“Sleeping like babies,” she whispered as she smiled.
Terra walked back to her room, careful not to make any noise. As she closed the door behind her, she proceeded to her closet to get dressed for the day to come. She put on her normal clothes just like any other day: a silky purple short skirt to go with a light red sleeveless blouse with white trim and some light red boots to match the rest of her outfit. She combed her hair, put it up in a ponytail, and tied a nice little red bow around it. For some odd reason, Terra was looking quite forward to the rest of the day, and yet, nothing special was going on. Although the day would begin just as any other, a series of unfortunate events pertaining to the past were about to blindside the sweet young woman.

II.
As the sun rose into the sky, two young men rode into the town of Narshe on chocobos. At first glance, they looked quite imposing, but to the townsfolk, these two men were well recognized. Edgar Roni Figaro is the young king of the domain of Figaro; his castle located in the middle of the central desert. Measuring at a tall 6’2” with an average build, Edgar has long blonde hair to go along with his stereotypical “young and handsome king” look. Wearing chain mail under his royal robes along with a sheathed Mythril blade, he emanated a wonderful aura that brought happiness to all; he was called “the Good King.” Along with Edgar rode a smaller man whom, at first glance, looked like a thief. Well, that is exactly what he is, or more appropriately, a treasure hunter, as he likes to call himself. Locke Cole is about 5’9” and looks just like any other average man. Medium length dark brown hair and beautiful brown eyes give the man a gentle appearance. Dressed in jeans with a blue vest over a white t-shirt, Locke also wears his lucky bandana over his head at all times. Concealed in his pocket is his trusty Thief Knife; a tool essential to any so-called treasure hunter. As the two men entered the village, they were greeted by the village people. A chocobo keeper helped them dismount and escorted their animals to the town’s stable.
“I wonder if Terra is up yet, it’s still pretty early,” said Locke as they walked toward her home.
“Well, I’m sure she’ll be glad to see us. We haven’t come to visit her in quite awhile. Now that I really think of it, I wouldn’t be surprised if she was angry with us for not coming sooner!” exclaimed Edgar.
“We can catch up on old times, maybe have some tea or something like that,” replied Locke.
“Dammit Locke, we need to make sure she’s awake first,” Edgar retorted.
As the two men neared Terra’s home at the northern end of town, they didn’t even notice the mysterious shadow behind the inn.

The man concealed in the early morning shadows watched the two men walk by. He overheard a bit of their conversation; and, as expected, the name he was listening for happened to pop-up between the two men.
“Terra,” he whispered to himself.
As the two men walked out of sight and out of earshot, the mysterious young man picked up his weapon, which was propped against the side of the building, and began following them. He swung the weapon over his shoulder and walked ever so slowly after the individuals.
“Perhaps she will be the answer to the riddle….,” stated the man.
As he stealthily pursued the men, he decided to take a quick brake to replay his plans in his mind. He put his weapon down and stopped to smoke a cigarette behind a shed. This was his way of relaxing and thinking. When he finished, he tossed the bud on the ground and stepped on it. The mystery man then picked up his gunblade and continued after the two men.

III.
Somewhere far away from the town of Narshe, a peculiar man with a hood and cape stood waiting in a small cave. He had been there all night waiting for some unknown person that wanted to meet him.
“What does this person want?” thought the peculiar man.
He was contacted by telepathy: a strange power enjoyed by only a handful of individuals in the universe. He, being one of those gifted people, was quite surprised that someone else with the power had contacted him. Being naturally curious, the peculiar one listened to where the voice wanted to meet. Now, as he stood there, he realized he had been waiting for hours because dawn had just approached.
“This is ignorant,” said the man, “why must I be so naive?”
As soon as he was about depart, something appeared in his mind.
“Stay where you are, I am nearly there.”
Shocked, the peculiar man stayed put and waited for a few more minutes. Just in the distance, he saw someone walking toward him. However, the closer this person got, it appeared that he or she was actually levitating toward him. The peculiar one grabbed his weapon for security.
“There is no need for that,” said the approaching person, who seemed to be a man.
“Who the hell are you and what do you want?” demanded the peculiar one.
“I’ve heard a lot about you,” said the floating man. “You are a very powerful sorcerer, are you not?”
“How would you know?” (the other stayed quiet….) “Answer me!” yelled the peculiar man.
“Feisty aren’t we? Nevertheless…..I have a proposition for you, and it may concern someone you have been looking for…..for quite a long time..”
“Wait…you don’t mean……S…..” gasped the peculiar.
“Haha…perhaps. However, you must do exactly as I say for the time being…maybe you will find some answers….” said the floating man.
“But….how do you know about her!??”
“Does not the fact that I simply KNOW interest you?” said the floating man as he moved away.
The caped man stared at the other……and then proceeded to follow the levitating person. Just before he began to walk, he reached into his cloak and grabbed a shiny pendant.
“We will be reunited soon….,” the caped one whispered to himself.
And with that, the two strange men disappeared over the horizon.


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"The answer is, of course, that it would be best to be both loved and feared. But since the two rarely come together, anyone compelled to choose will find greater security in being feared than in being loved."
- Niccolo Machiavelli, The Prince

IV.

Terra Branford walked down the stoop of her home to greet Edgar and Locke. She ran up to them and gave them both a huge hug.
“What’s wrong with you two?! Why haven’t you come to see me any sooner!” scolded Terra as she hugged the two men.
“Well,” said Edgar, “I gave Locke the idea many times, but he always seemed to forget about it.”
“Hey! I never did that!” yelled Locke.
“Oh, stop it you two!” giggled Terra. “I’m just glad to see you guys.”
“So how have you been?” asked Edgar.
“I’m doing fine. Just watching after the little ones. They should be waking up anytime soon, so why don’t we go on inside and I’ll make us a cup of tea,” said Terra.
“Sounds great!” exclaimed Locke.
As the three friends walked into the small house, the mysterious man hiding in the shadows of the nearby building decided now was the time to make his move.

He sat on the ground polishing his gunblade with an old rag.
“I hope I don’t have to use you,” he said to his weapon.
The mysterious young man got up and thought about exactly what he was getting himself into. He stood at a tall 6’3” and weighed about 200 lbs. He is a slender ordinary-looking eighteen year-old man with long black hair. His bangs usually covered his face from others. He was dressed in jeans and a t-shirt with a short black leather jacket over it to go along with black boots. Although it was a bit warm in Narshe, he refused to take of his jacket. He also wore gloves to handle his weapon with more ease. He contained one of only two gunblades ever created; his weapon was strange but effective.
“It’s not like me to do something like this….not like me at all….but help is needed..” said the gunblade wielder.
“I hope this works dammit,” he grunted as he began walking toward the back of the woman’s house.
Just as he began walking, he touched the lion shaped chain around his neck. His mind was racing. What he was about to do to these people may shape the fate of the universe.

V.
“So, Terra,” said Locke, “all you do is stay around here watching the children?”
“Well, it’s not that simple Locke! You should try it sometime!” exclaimed Terra.
The three friends were sitting around a small coffee table in Terra’s small home and sipped some tea that she had made. It was a cozy place; the mayor of Narshe provided her with the house for all the favors she had done for the village in the past; however, it can get a bit cramped with so many children around. Terra was caring for eight kids that had been orphaned the year before. They all originally lived in the eastern town of Mobliz until Kefka rose to power. His Light of Judgment destroyed the town, and most of the parents perished trying to save their children.
“Are the kids doing well?” asked Edgar.
“They can get a bit out of hand sometimes, but they behave for the most part,” said Terra.
“I’m surprised they haven’t gotten up yet,” added Locke.
“Yes…you’re right, that is a little unusual,” Terra said curiously.
“I’m sure they’re just sleeping in Terra,” Edgar said reassuringly, “besides, it is still sort of early.”
“Anyways,” said Locke loudly, “you guys wanna do anything today? I mean, every time I go visit Edgar, all we do is play chess or do something else royal…..booorrriingggg!!”
“Oh, shut the hell up Locke.” Edgar sounded offended. “You’re just angry because I beat you all the time.”
“Whatever, Your Royalness! I always beat you!” Locke yelled back.
“Oh, I see now, come here you!” Edgar said as he started at Locke.
“Stop it both of you!” gasped Terra. “The kids are still in bed! Don’t you two have any manners!”
“Ummm, sorry Terra…” the two men said in unison.
“Now settle down!” said Terra.
The two men calmed down as the three began talking about the events of the past year. Terra asked the men what the others were up to(by the others, Terra means the rest of the friends that took part in the journey).
“Well Terra, Sabin has been training in the mountains for quite awhile. He hardly ever comes to the castle,” explained Edgar.
“Yeah, that’s true,” added Locke. “Setzer’s been out and about like always on that Falcon. I saw him just the other day. He’s been looking for the remains of his older airship. Says that after he finds them, he’s gonna try to fix it and then look for Daryl.”
“That Setzer….well, let’s wish that everything goes well for him,” Terra said hopefully.
“ Other than Sabin and Setzer, we haven’t really heard from anyone else…..Celes did write a letter to the castle a month back saying that she was doing just fine. I guess she and some survivors from Vector are looking to rebuild the city,” said Edgar. “I sent her a chocobo with a note telling her that we here at the castle can lend her a hand, but we haven’t heard from her since.”
“Maybe we should go visit her? Do you know where she is?” asked Terra.
“Letter said she was just east of South Figaro,” answered Locke.
“Well, let’s consider the idea!” said Terra excitedly.
“Haha, it’s not that essay, beautiful.” Edgar sighed. “The castle won’t travel to the desert near South Figaro anymore….we’d have to go by chocobo to the southern cave, and then by foot to the city itself.”
“Hmmm….I guess it would be difficult huh…” Terra said with less enthusiasm.
An hour had gone by and the three friends kept talking about old times. The children had yet to awaken. On any other day, the kids would have been up and about around the time the two gentlemen arrived; today, however, a mysterious young man had infiltrated the small home and bound and gagged each one of the kids.

The gunblade wielder had just finished binding each of the children. When he was outside, he was surprised to see that the backdoor was unlocked. It seemed Terra had forgotten to lock it the night before. As he went inside the house, he heard voices coming from the front door. He quickly proceeded into the nearest room, which just happened to be the kids’ quarters. None of them had woken up, but a couple of them were stirring from the noise he had made from entering. Quickly thinking, the mysterious young man grabbed some extra sheets that were on the floor and stealthily bound the stirring children. They seemed to be too scared to even attempt a scream. Now, the man had all of them bound and in one corner of the room.
“Don’t worry, I’m not gonna hurt you. I just need to see Terra,” said the gunblade wielder reassuringly.
As he approached the door leading into the hallway, he ran his plans through his head one more time.
“Okay, just go in and execute your orders, that is it,” he whispered to himself.
He heard the people still talking in the living room. He knew that it was now or never. He wondered how these people would react to him. Would they know who he is? If it wasn’t for his source, he would not know their identities at all, but this source seemed to know a lot about many different things.
“If he’s right, then these people can help us answer some questions.” And with that, Squall Leonhart shouldered his gunblade and proceeded into the living room.


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"The answer is, of course, that it would be best to be both loved and feared. But since the two rarely come together, anyone compelled to choose will find greater security in being feared than in being loved."
- Niccolo Machiavelli, The Prince

I read down to the Edgar one so far.

Anyway, I can see two main problems that you need to fix. The first is your tenses. If you're in past tense, stay there (unless you're switching to a different person, or a different thing like the character reading a letter, which should be marked clearly with a space). If you're in 3rd person, also, stay there. Here's what I'm referring to:

>Terra awoke suddenly and sat up in her soft cushioned bed. She had a nightmare, >one that reminded her of the past; a past that she would never forget.

- Nothing spectacular, but fine so far. You're clearly in 3rd person, past tense.

>Terra Branford is a young 18 year-old woman who resides in the small town of >Narshe up to the North. She’s of average build: about 5’7”, green eyes, soft light >green hair, and creamy tanned white skin. Sweet, shy, and beautiful, Terra is >never one to get into trouble regardless of the circumstances.

- Here, in your info-dump (which I'll get to in a moment), you've shifted to present tense. Terra is, she resides, she's of, Terra is. All present. You want past, even if it is still true now, like this: "Terra Branford, a young 18-year-old woman, resided in the small town of Narshe, up to the north. She was of average build, about 5'7", with green eyes, soft, light green hair, and creamy, tanned white skin"

- Another problem is "tanned white skin". The word white is redundant, since, unless I'm wrong, only white people get "tans". People who are blessed with natural pigmentation (people of African descent, etc) are never described as tanned, it only applies to white people. Also, writing the height as about 5'7" seems a little off. You don't need to be that exact right at the start.

- Now, on the plus side, your spelling is near flawless. Your grammar is also not bad.

- Okay, now back to the info-dump comment that I made. As a writer, it's good to abide by the rule of show, don't tell. That doesn't mean you can never tell, but here, you are telling too much. Going from Terra waking up, then immediately to what she looks like exactly in the next line (aside from clothing.. unless she's naked), then going immediately to what she was doing last year, then to the present, is a large, convoluted info-dump. We don't need to know all that information right off the bat (especially not for fanfiction), and it just gets in the way of your writing. I would suggest taking these out. If you must have descriptions in there, you can add them in later on. Have Terra look in the mirror, and maybe think about how her green hair always makes her stand out. Or perhaps one of the kids tells her that her hair is the colour of grass. When you're at Edgar, you could have him say- showing his ego at the same time - "Ladies love a man with flowing blonde hair, like mine."

- So, there are two things for you to consider. Go through your work and check that all your tenses are as they should be (this gets a lot easier to write, once you get used to it). If you have trouble, pick up a good novel that's written in third person and read for a few paragraphs. You'll get used to how to keep tenses straight.

- I read further, and noticed that one of the characters is dressed in jeans. According to wikipedia.org, jeans were developed in the US in 1872. Considering that FF6 is in a world that is before most forms of technology and modern clothing, you may want to rethink having someone wearing jeans. It doesn't seem right.

- Gunblades and cigarettes are also out of place, but at this point, I'm assuming that this is a person from an alternate universe? From Squall's universe? Though gunblades are real, a final fantasy fan would assume it's from FF8. Not really going to comment on the crossover aspect, since it's not apparent yet that it is a crossover.

Hope that helps.

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I had an old signature. Now I've changed it.

Elena, gunblades are called "guns with Bayonetes" in real life or those things Ron Pearlman had in Blade 2 those were sweet, and I would asume that the guy useing it IS Squall and therfore possibly is from Squalls universe(but my assumption relies on him being the squal from FF8 not an alternate sqaull and oh-no-ive-gone-cross-eyed).

in firearm terms Id like to point out that the FF8 gunblades have several flaws but thats for another topic (and probably another forum... ) however the theory is sound- a blade on a rifle gives you a spear or pike as an alternate or reserve weapon, and on a pistol is just plain nasty, underhand, dispicable and I want one .

on the fic
when i saw "terra is an 18 year old" my imediate reaction was "oh christ here we go with lemonyness" then i saw that it hadn't been locked so i thought even if it does its not to bad.

Quote

He also wore gloves to handle his weapon with more ease.

gloves dont help you handle a weapon, properly fitted gloves can help your grip if its cold , but generally they just get in the way of the trigger.

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He contained one of only two gunblades ever created

thats a bit extrem, even to get it past customs; "owned" or "held" work better than contained.

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Squall Leonhart shouldered his gunblade and proceeded into the living room.

see it is Squall!No I mean - A No trained soldier (or SEED in this case-okay ill stop the FF in jokes) would wonder how someone would react to an armed man barging into the room. B theres no stock so its impossible to shoulder and C if you ment droop in over is shoulder like he does between atacks, then its just wrong- for all he knows the living room is a hostile environment- there is no reason to stow your only weapon. also Why tie up the children?- if his mission is to assasinate terra locke etc then an in-choppity-chop-chop-out method is beter, and if he only wants to talk then its a really good way to get them on his side isn't it?

I havent commented on Grammar or spelling Because it would be the blind leading the one eyed, Apart from " “Haha, it’s not that essay, beautiful.” Edgar sighed." I cant spell but i notice other folks mistakes (Tom clancy and Terry Pratchett are the worst offenders Ive noticed so far for published typos BTW)- just remember even if you quecker tells ewe sow, ewe might still not bee write

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Failure is not an option. its an art form

I've never been a fan of cross over fan fictions, especially an FF6/FF8 one, (except one by someone on these boards which took me a good hour and a half to read, and was subtly and superbly done), But I'm willing to see where this goes. Like Dee said, it isn't a good idea to throw the whole profile of a person out at once just to get it out of the way.

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If you've been mod-o-fied,
It's an illusion, and you're in-between.
Don't you be tarot-fied,
It's just alot of nothing, so what can it mean?
~Frank Zappa

Sins exist only for people who are on the Way or approaching the Way

Guns with bayonets, that's what I meant. Thanks Caz. You and your brother know a disturbing amount about guns.

Anyway, now that I've read the second part (I guess it was put up as I was writing my post), I can definitely see that this is a cross-over. I agree with Caz on a few points, aside from his no-doubt correct answers about gun handling. Why is Squall tying up the children? In fact, if he's approaching Terra as a reasonable guy who thinks she can help him, why doesn't he just knock on the door and introduce himself? He obviously knows things about Terra, so why wouldn't he know that she's not a hostile person unless attacked? As Caz mentioned, Squall is a SEED (or however that acronym works), a professional. This is no amateur who's done one or two jobs in the past. Squall, despite his attitude issues, is a competent, intelligent SEED who knows his stuff.

Also, exclamation points, unlike full stops and question marks, should to be used sparingly. If something is truly exciting and fascinating, that will come through in the text with few or no exclamation marks. Peppering your dialogue with them looks like you're trying too hard.

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I had an old signature. Now I've changed it.

Also, once Terra becomes caretaker of Mobliz, she would no longer be eighteen: she'd be nineteen or twenty, since a year and change have passed. (Also, remember to wrote out numbers in your fiction: eighteen-year-old, five-seven, etc.)

That's if you're using official ages. I choose to ignore several of them, myself (Celes as eighteen, for instance).

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Some ghost of me might greet my son
the day he is delivered.


Eternal Sleep, Track 1-1: The Blue Planet

i see what you all mean. thanx for the help guys! ill edit my story as soon as i get the chance. and thanx for seeing those two probs elena, after reading over it, you have a very good point. hopefully when i fix it, it will seem a little better! thanx for all the help guys!:)

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"The answer is, of course, that it would be best to be both loved and feared. But since the two rarely come together, anyone compelled to choose will find greater security in being feared than in being loved."
- Niccolo Machiavelli, The Prince