Track this topic | Email this topic | Print this topic

_I've decided to make this the draft of the beginning, sorry for being so late. The rest of the story I've plotted out, getting dates, ages, characters, and speeches straight, but I could never get the beginning. If anyone would help me out with this, I'd be eternally grateful. Merry Christmas everybody! -SRF

"It'll be nice to visit for a while, Edgar, but I need to ask you something..." Edgar threw his arm around his twin brother's shoulders. "C'mon Sabin, you can ask later! You're coming home, bro'! After, what? Twelve years?" Sabin scrubbed a hand through his hair uneasily. "Mmm.... fine... but really, this is important!"
"I'll tell you something important! You've gotta meet your nephew!" Sabin stopped, almost losing his footing and tumbling down Mount Kolts. "Wha?"

This post has been edited by SabinRFigaro on 25th December 2004 19:37

--------------------

The ninja alights on a rocky outcropping on Mount Koltz, surveying his territory. Satisfied he gets up, and starts his walk home expecting a signal from the desert of Figaro, but...

"Sabin Rene Figaro! Get your head out of the clouds and come home for dinner!! And get rid of that ninja outfit!"

I agree: "Wha?"

--------------------

"To create something great, you need the means to make a lot of really bad crap." - Kevin Kelly

Why aren't you shopping AmaCoN?

-sorry about that.... I got pulled off early, heh... Now where was I...

"Wha?" Edgar grinned at him. "You're not saying... no you couldn't have... no way! You settled down? You, you womanizer!" "Well I had to admit it got kind of boring after a while, and a guy's gotta settle down right? So... Now I have a son. Your nephew. Now stop gaping and tell me how to get off this mountain!" Sabin scowled darkly and led his brother down. "You've been keeping me in the dark, and now you tell me and expect me to be happy?! Okay, fine, maybe I'm just a little excited. Just a little!"
"So, um, what'd you name him?"


--------------------

The ninja alights on a rocky outcropping on Mount Koltz, surveying his territory. Satisfied he gets up, and starts his walk home expecting a signal from the desert of Figaro, but...

"Sabin Rene Figaro! Get your head out of the clouds and come home for dinner!! And get rid of that ninja outfit!"

_Urgh, I got pulled again.

"Well, I thought of naming him- Hey, what's that?" Edgar pointed to the west at the desert. Sabin squinted. "I dunno, looks like a-" "A fire!! A fire, cool! Can I come Dad, can I? Can I?" a boy jumped off from a ledge and onto Sabin's shoulders. "Where'd you come from?! I told you to-"
"Stay at home, I know, but I got bo-o-o-o-ored! Luca won't play with me because she doesn't feel like it, so Mom said I could play on Mount Kolts! She said!"
He pouted. "You're not going to send me away now are you? It's no fun if I can't play with anyone, and I have to beat up monsters, they're no fun either, and I can do Blitz like you, and everything!"
"Junior! You have to stay home! And take care of your mom, you know she can't talk! She can't say anything!" Junior looked at him slyly. "No, but she can write, and she does the sign thingies she does with you, and she said I could come!"
Sabin sighed resignedly. "Fine, fine. I give up." Junior jumped off of his shoulders. "To the fire!" "Junior for what Sabin?" "Me of course! Sabin Junior!"

/~LOCKE~/

Locke turned the corner in the cave and motioned his wife, Celes, to follow. In the years they had been married, he had continued treasure hunting, and still protested that he didn't thieve... He had even rubbed his love of treasure hunting on her, and now they went together, much to his enjoyment. But today just wasn't her day. "Locke, I should be at home watching Lok, you know how hyper he is, and Sabin and Edgar, you know, the twins you named after your friends, they'll be missing me, and Celesa, she'll be crying! Lockett too! And Rachel and Luke! I shouldn't have left them, at all, even for treasure hunting!"


--------------------

The ninja alights on a rocky outcropping on Mount Koltz, surveying his territory. Satisfied he gets up, and starts his walk home expecting a signal from the desert of Figaro, but...

"Sabin Rene Figaro! Get your head out of the clouds and come home for dinner!! And get rid of that ninja outfit!"

So you're typing this off the top of your head? I suggest you not do that.

--------------------

"To create something great, you need the means to make a lot of really bad crap." - Kevin Kelly

Why aren't you shopping AmaCoN?

LOL

Oh, come on Josh... Stream-of-conscience writing is enjoyable for all!

Moderator Edit

You see what being snide gets us all? Thanks a lot. -R51

This post has been edited by Rangers51 on 10th December 2004 22:33

--------------------

Join the Army, see the world, meet interesting people - and kill them.

~Pacifist Badge, 1978

_Thanks for pulling him off my back... I didn't mean that, I meant, well, I'm doing this at home, and my mom limits my Internet time, that's what I mean when I get pulled off...

Locke grumbled incoherantly. "I really thought you'd like coming with me this time..." He cringed at the angry look on Celes's face. "But... the kids, sure, you could go back." She smiled in relief, kissed his cheek, and ran back towards the house. "Mothers," Locke sighed. Now he was left to stroll around the streets of Kohlingen, a bit more prosperous, and a bit more townish and less village.
Lacking anywhere else to go, he decided to waste time skipping rocks on a new lake that had emerged after the world had... shifted, he guessed was the right word. "Edgar, Sabin, I know where you are, but where are the others." He was silent, musing over this new problem. He skipped another rock idly. "Setzer's on an airship, I'd bet... Maybe he fixed his old one, or made a new one. Gau, Gau is back on the Veldt, where he's happy, with Relm and Shadow visiting I bet. Hope their happy in Thamasa. Terra and Gogo, and Cyan, and Mog and Umaro... did I miss anybody? I don't know where those guys are... hm..." he stared at the stone in his hand, bright blue with green swirls. His oldest son, Lok, would like it, he decided as he pocketed it and wiped mud off of his pants.
"Yes, let's see what they do now! Oh, do you see that priceless look on that musclehead's face? And him! He's the one who dealt the last blow, he will suffer for sure!" Locke peeked out of curiousity into the wooden shack and watched with bated breath. Sabin and Edgar on the wall? No, it was some projection. They were on Mount Kolts, looking at the fire over in the Figaro desert. "We'll need a distraction, oh, something dreadful!" Someone cackled. It sounded familiar, but it was too dark to make out who. "Someone needs to die, oh yes, definitely the musclehead, that'll destroy him inside for sure!"
Locke ducked away, his ear still pressed to the door. Someone else was in there! "Yes sir, but killing the big one, will kill the king himself. No one can say how strong the bond between twins are, but this bond seems particularly strong," the other man said smoothly. "I suggest someone else, to avoid too much damage to the king." "Yes. Yes, Julius, I like the way you think. Someone else then..." there was a pause, a brooding pause, but to Locke, it was stifling. The screen widened to show Sabin Junior, running at Sabin's heels and seeking attention from his father. Sabin smiled and hoisted him up onto his shoulders, and ran down Mount Kolts, Edgar following at a brisk jog. The man cackled again. "Oh yes, that one, that's the one. Mark him for death, Julius." "As you wish, sir."
He was pointing at Junior. Locke's face whitened, and he turned and ran. Ran all the way to the center of Kohlingen, to his house.
"Celes! I have to warn them! Junior is going to die!" Celes hugged baby Lockett to her chest. "Who's going to die?" "Sabin Junior, Sabin's son! I can't stay, I have to warn them. I just wanted to say good-by-" Celes kissed him and he was cut off. "Well then, Mr.Cole, you'll just need your Thief Gloves back, won't you? And your HawkEye boomerang thing." She rummaged through a sack, Lockett on her hip. She tossed him his weapon and his gloves. "You keep yourself safe, Locke. I'm not going to raise these babies alone."
"I'll come back, I promise, Celes. Promise." He backed out the door and started running. He needed all the time he could get to get there in time. And if he was too late? Locke cringed at the thought. Strong as he was physically, Sabin wouldn't take this, couldn't take this. He would be crushed like an insignificant bug.
Sabin Junior was marked for death.

--------------------

The ninja alights on a rocky outcropping on Mount Koltz, surveying his territory. Satisfied he gets up, and starts his walk home expecting a signal from the desert of Figaro, but...

"Sabin Rene Figaro! Get your head out of the clouds and come home for dinner!! And get rid of that ninja outfit!"

~EDGAR and SABIN~

"Junior, stay close to me, okay?" Junior pouted sullenly. He raised his fists and jabbed at the air. "C'mon, Dad, I can take anybody out! Just one Blitz, and it's all over!" Sabin examined the healed over claw wounds on his right arm. "Even Blitz can't protect you when you're out of your league, son. Remember that."
"But... nobody could hurt you, Dad, you're the best of Blitz!" Sabin picked up his little son. "Yeah? I'm the only one who knows Blitz! I'm the master of this art now, and you are simply the apprentice. Until you know at least three, you're not even considered a part of it."
"Ah, go easy on him, Sabin. We've got a real problem up ahead..." "South Figaro? There's been enough bad activity down there! Isn't there a gang raid every day now?"
"Yes, and it's hard on me. I think it may be groups who don't want the Figaro monarchy."
"What? The monarchy has been there since our father's great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great... I don't know how many greats, but it's been there, and they've only thought of rising up now?!" Sabin looked crestfallen. "I'm no good with politics, Big Brother. Father would've known what to do. He would've negotiated or something. He didn't like to fight..."
Edgar kept up his pace. "He died because he wouldn't fight. When people think you're easily disposable, they poison you instead of putting a knife in your back."
Sabin stopped. "It wasn't fair. Not at all. I didn't get to know Father that much. Neither of us did. People shouldn't have to suffer like that. It was proof enough for me to get stronger, so that maybe..."
"You never did really explain why you left."
"I wanted to get stronger... So that I could protect you. Father always told me... that I was stronger. I couldn't really rule a kingdom like you could. I don't have the head for it, so I thought, that if I could do anything to help, I could keep you safe, and that includes any kids you have.
"I guess I did it for Father. The Father I never knew. I didn't even know his name, Edgar." "Don't be sad, Dad. You're the strongest in the whole world, Mom said so, I mean wrote so, whatever. Mom said that nobody could break you up, whatever that means. But you're the best, Dad! Really, even if it is all dead Grandpa's fault."

/~LOCKE~/

Locke plunged through the cave between Figaro Desert, and South Figaro, HawkEye in Thief Gloved hands. After he had bid a tearful good-bye (on Celes's part anyway) to his wife and children, and made Lok promise he'd take care of the family if anything happened to him, Locke Cole made his way through treacherous terrain, hoping fervently that he would make it to the twins before whatever was hunting them down did. He hoped as hard as he could. He puffed out a long breath. "Hold on guys, Locke Cole, world-class tresure hunter is coming!"

--------------------

The ninja alights on a rocky outcropping on Mount Koltz, surveying his territory. Satisfied he gets up, and starts his walk home expecting a signal from the desert of Figaro, but...

"Sabin Rene Figaro! Get your head out of the clouds and come home for dinner!! And get rid of that ninja outfit!"

Locke's feet pounded on the rocky ground, and breathed a sigh of relief when it evened out, revealing the end of the tunnel. Now that he was outside, he had a better look at the fire. It was enourmous, gigantic, HUGE! It was every single word Locke could think of that was associated with big. And it wasn't even in the desert, it was in the castle itself! Edgar would be more than mad, he would be infuriated. And they'll all be dead, Locke thought, if you keep gawking.
He started running again. This was hard on his legs, ugh!

FIGARO

"Waaah! Mommy, what's going on? Where's Daddy?" Gerad hugged his mother tightly, watching the fire burn their home, helplessly. Gerad wanted to help, he wanted to do... something. Lynna held his hand and tried to get out of the throne room, where they were holed up. The iron door was torn off its hinges, and Sabin threw it to the side. Junior ran in and stared around the throne room in awe. Edgar checked to see if his twin was okay, then ran to his family, hugging Lynna and Gerad at the same time.
"I'm so glad you're both safe... I thought...for a minute..." Lynna laughed. "Edgar, you can see that we're okay now, can't you? Now is not the time to celebrate. My King has to be out there to take charge, now doesn't he?" She straightened his cape and breastplate, and smoothed back his hair. "Now go take charge, don't worry about us. I'll take care of Gerad, sweetheart."

--------------------

The ninja alights on a rocky outcropping on Mount Koltz, surveying his territory. Satisfied he gets up, and starts his walk home expecting a signal from the desert of Figaro, but...

"Sabin Rene Figaro! Get your head out of the clouds and come home for dinner!! And get rid of that ninja outfit!"

Edgar frowned and stared out of the corner of his eye at Sabin. You have to go, Edgar. I'll stay here and defend them. Don't worry about it. Sabin thought to him. Mental communication was a beautiful thing, but it could only be done with his twin. I... I can't... What if something happens to you? I can't be out there when you need me here! And my family... I won't have it torn apart again!, Edgar thought back furiously. Sabin shook his head. Edgar, Edgar, Edgar... so intelligent, yet so... naive. I'm telling you, Brother, we've been trying to pick up the pieces for years. Maybe now's the time to stop picking up the pieces of the puzzle, and start a new picture. Edgar sighed and drew his autocrossbow. "Fine, Sabin, you win. But it doesn't mean I have to like it," he said as he swung a quiver of crossbow bolts over his shoulder, and buckled his sword at his hip.
Sabin glared at him. "You're not tricking me are you? You'd better not be pulling the double-headed coin thing again. I'll Blitz you for sure if you are." "Me too! Me too!" Junior piped up. "I'll help, right Dad? I'll Blitz 'em! Just like you!" Sabin grinded his teeth in frustration. "Fine. Fine. " Edgar took one last look at his family and ran out the doorway.
Sabin sat cross-legged on the floor, chin in his hand. Junior imitated him. Lynna watched them silently, Gerad sitting on the throne. "You look alike," she commented. "That's why he's Junior and I'm Senior."
"I meant you and Edgar."
"Oh. Yeah, we're twins."
"You look a lot alike, but somehow, you're different."
"We used to look alike when we were little, but now, I'm a little, you know, buff."
"Yeah, I figured. He talked a lot about you, you know. Good things."
"He did, huh? I never... talked about home. It would make me want to come back. I didn't want... to come back, and make my family move."
"Really... Your wife and I should talk sometime."
"You won't be able to. She can't talk... her... throat was ripped out or something when I found her. She won't talk, ever."
"...sorry," she said quietly.
Sabin didn't reply, but got off the floor. He smiled. "They're here. Time for some butt-kicking!" he punched his open palm with his right fist. "Bum-Rush 'em Dad! Bum-Rush!!" Junior cried. "Whatever you want, kid. Whatever you want," Sabin said as the enemy troops came rushing in.
"Time to Blitz!"

--------------------

The ninja alights on a rocky outcropping on Mount Koltz, surveying his territory. Satisfied he gets up, and starts his walk home expecting a signal from the desert of Figaro, but...

"Sabin Rene Figaro! Get your head out of the clouds and come home for dinner!! And get rid of that ninja outfit!"

Not looking too good so far in my opinion... The plot foundation seems alright , but the building itself's not got much structural integrity. There's a few points as to why i'm thinking this way. The method's you're posting via are a major contributer: If this is ALL one chapter it could have been edited into the first post, surely? And if your online time is limited, why not write offline then post in all using the magic that is copy and paste?

The story itself now, rather than the methods. Dialogue seems a bit iffy in some ways, in that its rather simplistic at points -but hey, guilty of that myself IMO- and expressed in a manner very annoying to read. Your way results in multiple people speaking in one line. Most other fiction is written with each statement upon a line by itself.
'Lo Bob.' said Weebl.
'Lo.' Said Bob.
This spaces it out and means you don't have it all bunched up, which is a real pain to read.

The repetition of that 'marked for death' thing seemed rather iffy also. I would have had it be merely 'mark him' rather than 'mark him for death' as the former gives a sense of mistery: Mark for what? Mark how? The latter gives no suspense, when it shoots the D-word out seconds later. Just a small niggle that I dislike.

Quote

"What? The monarchy has been there since our father's great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great... I don't know how many greats, but it's been there, and they've only thought of rising up now?!"

That line is very much odd. Sabin, as a Prince, would be expected to have had one of the best education's available. Therfore, he'd know the date's and the relevant information about the monarchy not just because it's history, but it's family. A more likely line would be one referring to the dates. 450, 200, whatever dating system you feel the planet of FF6 has.

If the castle was on fire... how? Did Eddie sack the Security or soemthing, because not ony do I find it unlikely a King would walk around, even in his own nation, without some sort of gaurd, and I also find it dubious that the characters appear to have missed an attack upon a Castle, which, as we all know, would most likely result in a siege. Even any enemy infiltration would result in a Gaurd response upon the flames. You've made no mention's of friendly casualties, enemy presence -until the very end of the most recent post where they suddenly realise 'Oh darn, they just walked straight on in!' -, anything, that would add to the realism of such an event. If the castle indeed had been attacked the enemy would logically have captured or even killed the Queen and Crown Prince. If it was still UNDER attack, how did Sabin('s) and Edgar gain entry without encoutering enemies/friendlies?

Another thing: Surely tearing off the door is giving more aid to the enemy than the Figaroan's?

Mental communication... not unheard of even in reality between twin's if you belive that kind of thing, but I personally don't recall any idication Sabin and Edgar could talk to each other telepathically in FF6. If you've decided to add that as your personal twist of view, fair enough. But I'm looking at it with a little bit of distaste at the notion, as it's a bit clichéd .


Minor error I spotted BTW: First post...

Quote

"I'll tell you something important! You've gotta meet your nephew!" Sabin stopped, almost losing his footing and tumbling down Mount Kolts. "Wha?"

Think you meant Edgar, right?

--------------------

"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

-NOT PART OF STORY-

Thanks for pointing those out, reallly! It's a great help if someone points out my mistakes so I can fix them later, so, thank you! Sometimes I forget about the dialogue... okay, most of the time I do, but I usually write on paper and do it then. (I'm making excuses, aren't I?) I guess I do need to fix the castle seige part, as it does seem rather... iffy.
In my opinion, even though Sabin's my favorite character of all time, I think I sort of stereotyped him. As a kid, I think he'd be trying to cause his teachers trouble, and not really learn all that much, but enough. Edgar has always been the goody two shoes in my mind.
Hm... maybe I'll take your advice on the marked for death part. I've never been very good at suspense, and I'm working my brain to get suspense in there.
The guard thing... Somehow, I can't see Edgar walking around a bodyguard. Nope, can't see it. Edgar has always struck me as a proud man, too proud for a bodyguard by far. I think of him as self-reliant, because he's ruled alone for the most part, utterly alone.
I can't see why I didn't at least think of Lynna having a guard though. Or Gerad, come to think of it.

--------------------

The ninja alights on a rocky outcropping on Mount Koltz, surveying his territory. Satisfied he gets up, and starts his walk home expecting a signal from the desert of Figaro, but...

"Sabin Rene Figaro! Get your head out of the clouds and come home for dinner!! And get rid of that ninja outfit!"