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Thanks for all the previous comments, and interest. Though maybe I should have waited a time before posting this (ie: Mr. Thou's brilliant story) But regardless, I never discribe too much in my stories, especially in fanfics. (Cause I figure everyone already knows what the characters look like ) Anyway, this a much better version. In my opinion.


Daryl awoke to see drops of rain stream down her face and into her already soaked hair.
"Lovely, wet and cold, my two favorite conditions." Sitting up, looked at the pile of rubble that encompassed her legs.
"Perfect" Instead of starting with the harder task, she twisted her long blonde hair, draining the water out of it into the puddle behind her.
"Where the hell is Setzer? Its his fault that stupid engine wasn't calibrated right." Now board of being in the rain, Daryl began throwing the smaller metal plates and wood chunks that laid on her feet. "Any minute that pain will come walking down over here and start laughing." Quickening her pace, Daryl grabbed one of the remaining pieces of wood that covered her feet and tossed it aside, over one of the junk piles near her.
"Perfect," Daryl now realized that both her legs were crushed from the rubble on top of her. Grabbing onto a nearby beam, she attempted to stand but fell flat back to the ground, realizing they weren't just crushed, but broken. Then she heard a hollow thunk and a low rumbling from behind the same pile where she'd tossed the wood.
"You were there the whole time you jerk!" Daryl shouted, "I could have used a little help you know!" As she continued shouting curses and remarks at the being on the other side of the pile, it started rumbling. More and more as each second passed the pile seemed to shake.
"Cut the crap and help me up, my legs are crushed!" As Daryl continued to shout, she noticed two glowing eyes, hovering in the air over the pile.
"What the hell?" Suddenly the rest of the creature became visible, as it towered over everything else in the crash site on its two hind legs. Daryl looked over in fear at the blue behemoth before her, as long streams of drool oozed from its mouth.
"If this is a joke, it isn't funny!" Daryl said, her face turning a deep blue color. As a bolt of lightning illuminated the sky, the creature reared back its lion-like head and roared furiously. Daryl slowly tried to stand again, only to fall face first back in the mud.
"Setzer! Come on! Where are you?" Daryl rolled from the mud to see the creature walking down the steel pile, its giant claws glowing an eerie yellow color. Far behind another junk pile on the other side of the wreckage, two normal eyes peered at the two creatures.
"Should we save her? No, not we! I will save her." Daryl continued to attempt to stand, even as the creature towered above her, preventing all escape. As she looked up into its jaw, huge globs of drool dripped down on her.
"Can we stop with the drool? Please?" Daryl flinched as the creature raised its claw in the air, ready to come in for the kill. Suddenly, a voice in the distance broke the tension,
"Not today, Slpbehemoth! Hay maker!" Daryl immediately turned around to see a figure dressed in strange yellow robes leap over her and punch the behemoth with his glowing hands. The behemoth slid backwards through the soft soil, but stopped by slamming his right fore claw into the ground, and stopping him. Yanking his arm from the ground, the behemoth cupped his two hands together to make a bowl like structure, and began charging energy. The new coming stranger only nodded and repeated the behemoth's motions, he himself now gathering energy. The air seemed tense as the two charged their attacks, the behemoth's thin fur coat stood on end, even as huge droplets of rain pelted him. The stranger was equally tense, his weird robes didn't seem to get wet either. The behemoth then shot his hands outward, flinging huge rocks that appeared from nowhere at the stranger.
"Meteo!" the stranger shouted, mimicking the same technique. The stranger's rocks however, easily crushed the behemoths and one large one that appeared right from the stranger's hand slammed the behemoth in the head, knocking it to the ground. Turning to face Daryl, the stranger, suddenly waved and started walking away.
"Hey you, you can't do that! That behemoth is only unconscious, it's going to wake up sometime!"
"You're supposed to be off this island by then," the stranger harshly said, peering back over at her. "Duh, if I could walk, I would get off this cruddy island!" Even through the stranger's thick helmet, Daryl could see his frowning eyes as he walked over to her and clasped his two hands together.
"Curega, and Esuna!" Daryl was quickly encompassed in a warm glowing light that lifted her back to her feet, and snapped her bones back into place.
"Wow" she sighed, "I didn't expect that."
"Now go!" the stranger said, "leave my island!"


This post has been edited by GABlastman on 11th June 2004 00:15

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www.allinthepackage.com

A few tips:

Having a Behemoth, a mythological animal, cry out the name of the attack it's going to perform is not a good idea. Especially because the attack Hay Maker is a physical attack. There can be arguements in favor of Terra screaming 'Fire', but I suggest you take it out.

I feel that the Daryl presented here clashes a bit with the Daryl from the game. The Daryl in your story whimpers and is paralyzed by pain for a few hours just before she moves again because she's being attacked. This indicates that Daryl could in fact move, but didn't have the willpower to do so. I don't think that Daryl would be like that, but that's just a personal thing.

I think you passed Gogo carrying Daryl to its cave a little to quick. She can hardly move due to pain, and there's no indication that the cave is nearby. You can choose to describe the journey in detail or pass it quickly, but surely 'before she knew it' is a little too much. Sure, we get the point, but it's like giving a monster a dramatic entrance, describing its horrible fangs and massive paws, only to say that the monster was 'killed in a flash'.

Keep at it, though.

This post has been edited by Djibriel on 31st May 2004 00:08

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The Collapse of Heaven and Earth

Well actually, the "Hay Maker" was supposed to be Gogo saying it for the "mimicing factor" lol. Yeah, I'm not as refined or planned out as some of the other writers, I just have a spaz-out some times. Like for instance I didn't want to have a long drawn out scene where Gogo's carrying her and says "i have no idea why I'm saving you...I'll walk about ten miles in silence until we reach my cave."

P.S. thanks for the tip on the monster, I wanted to discribe some rivalry between Gogo and the moster, and the fact that its not dead yet...but I focused more on getting to the cave first.

This post has been edited by GABlastman on 31st May 2004 00:16

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www.allinthepackage.com

Thanks for posting.

I'll start with just pointing out the errors I saw in the fanfic, then get to general comments on the bottom.

>Setzer was probably halling that

- hauling, not halling

>For hours she lay there, paralzied by her injuries

- paralyzed

>and they began to glow cycling through every color.

- and they began to glow, cycling through every color.

>and one giant one smashed the creature right in the face.

- one giant one doesn't sound quite right, perhaps "one giant rock" or "one giant boulder" instead?

>The figure then turned and walked up to Daryl "why are you on this

- The figure then turned and walked up to Daryl.

-"Why are you on this island?" (more on your dialogue at the end of my editing suggestions)

>Daryl's crys slowly turned to whimpers as she watched

- Daryl's cries (I think it's a little out of character for her to whimper. She's a strong-willed woman, and is more likely to try to talk down and bully Gogo than whimper at him.)

>and examined her injuried legs.

- injured

>"What are you talking about, Daryl said leaping from the bed and backing away from him.

- You forgot to end your quotations. "What are you talking about?" Daryl asked, leaping from the bed

>"Gogo? That's your name?" "I won't tell anyone you're here, but at least help me out a bit more." "A bit more? I have helped you for almost a year now!" "A year?" "Yes, you've been asleep all that time!"

- This is a LOT of information for a reader to take in at once, all in one line with no spaces or chance to see physical reactions.

>"You are, and you shall not leave this island!"

- If she's a burden, wouldn't he want to just kick her off?

>Gogo roared loudly in a last ditch attempt, "didn't work," she laughed.

- in a last ditch attempt. "Didn't work," she laughed.

>"I'm...sorry, I haven't been around intellegent beings in over 18 years."

- intelligent. Tip: It usually looks better to write out a number, like eighteen, unless it's over a hundred.

- I want to touch on structure for a bit, here. I noticed that you typed it all out in one massive paragraph, with no breaks or anything. Now, if you pick up a typical novel, you'll note that there is always a blank line, or an indentation, before a character speaks dialogue. The only exception are cases where it's the same character speaking. Example:

"I didn't know," said Daryl, watching his back carefully. "Honest, I didn't know."

- However, if that second dialogue had been by another person, it would have been like this:

"Don't take me for an airheaded village maiden," said Daryl hotly.

"What should I take you for, then? All you've done since you arrived is moan, and whine," he replied.

- With the break there like that, the reader has a time to pause, and it helps tremendously with the flow of the reading. It also helps to keep a reader from losing her place amongst a huge block of text. If you need more examples, pick up a novel and leaf through.

- Now, for plot. It's an interesting idea, I'll grant you that, but it needs more development. More description. A lot of writers, when they start out, use dialogue as the chief method to get the reader to learn about the characters. Now, this isn't inherently bad, but we miss a lot of things that way. We don't get to know what they look like, how they move around, their surroundings, their expressions, etc. I recommend that you work up to having more descriptions and detail. Again, turn to books if you have trouble thinking about how you could do this.

- So far, I'm seeing a Beauty and the Beast type of plotline. That's not inherently bad, but you have to make sure that you don't fall into the trap of making Gogo the Beast and Daryl into Belle, exactly like the Disney movie. Right now, you have Daryl too weak-willed.

- The story as you've done it so far is moving rather fast. That, again, is something that you will gradually learn how to control as you continue to write. I recommend going over this first part again; a big part of writing is rewriting, after all.

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I had an old signature. Now I've changed it.

Hmmmm... basically, what they said.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed it and I'll gladly read more, it just would've fit better if it'd been anyone else but Daryl with that particular personality type.

*COUGHairheadCOUGH* 'Scuse me.

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~Status Report~

* Completed... Dragon's Head
* Completed... Soldiers of the Empire: Disciples (release pending)
* In Progress/Undecided... Of Love and Betrayal
* Planning/Assembly... Where it all Began