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Found this on another message board, thought it was really funny.

> The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was
> visiting Texas from the East Coast:
>
> Frank: Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
> cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
> happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to
> the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other
> two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and
> besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I
> accepted.
>
> Here are the scorecards from the event:
>
> Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
> Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
> Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
> Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
> remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
> flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
> Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
> Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
> seriously.
> > >Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
> what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
> who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
> beer when they saw the look on my face.
>
> Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
> Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers
> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
> like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
> me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
> backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from
> all of the beer.
>
> Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
> other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
> to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid,
> was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is
> starting to look HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is
> chili an aphrodisiac?
>
> Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
> considerable kick. Very impressive.
> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
> admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
> can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
> paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
> chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
> pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
> lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
> screaming. Screw those rednecks.
>
>
> Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
> spices and peppers.
> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
> garlic. Superb.
> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
> sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
> through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
> slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
> anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
>
> Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
> chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
> about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
> uncontrollably.
> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
> wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
> like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which
> slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to
> match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
> me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not
> getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
> the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>
> Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
> bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor
> hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out,
> fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
> he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really
> hot chili.

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Wow. 1,000 posts.

I miss you all now that I'm in boarding school! ;_;

How would he have reacted to really hot chili?

*plays tape of atomic bomb explosion*

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Check the "What games are you playing at the moment?" thread for updates on what I've been playing.

You can find me on the Fediverse! I use Mastodon, where I am @[email protected] ( https://sakurajima.moe/@glennmagusharvey )

Lol - long, but worth it.

I love chilli, now you've given me a craving. Probably milder than the one in there...

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"Luck is my middle name. Mind you, my first name is Bad." - Rincewind

You can be as self-assertive as you like, just so long as you do what you’re told.” - Granny Weatherwax

"When Mr. Safety Catch Is Not On, Mister Crossbow Is Not Your Friend" - Sam Vimes to Detritus

I live in Texas so maybe I just think he's a puss because of that hahaha...that was really funny though. PS Frank,We aren't all rednecks.hahaha

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Climhazzard is the timeless evil robot who runs some of the cool stuff at CoN (mostly logging chat, since there are no quizzes at the moment), all the while watching and waiting for his moment to take over the world. -Tiddles

This is one of the single funniest things I have ever read.

I didn't find it funny.... but I just saw Hellboy, and he likes chili.

Sounds good right about. I'm no Texan, but I looove spicy food.

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Get me off this Disciplinary Committee so I can play any FF except for FF8!!!

I've seen another one pretty much like this a long time ago, only it was funnier 'cause it was short and straight to the point. Less is more. =)

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~Status Report~

* Completed... Dragon's Head
* Completed... Soldiers of the Empire: Disciples (release pending)
* In Progress/Undecided... Of Love and Betrayal
* Planning/Assembly... Where it all Began

I like chili...the hotter the better...now I want chili...hot chili... I think I am addicted to Tabasco sauce

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There is a time and a place for everything, and I am niether