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The spoof promo poster.


Final Fantasy 6: Mog Soldiers
Prologue: Oh come on, don’t they educate anyone these days?!
This is a tale of horror. It is a tale of monsters. It is a tale of comradeship. It is a tale of bravery.
It’s a tale of how stupid people can be.
Humankind, no matter where it resides, has, across boundaries of seas, oceans, stars, and time, always made the typical mistake. To the extent you’d think it would be genetic not to do it by now. But no. People will forever enter the darkened room, investigate the strange noise, hold the gun wrong and let the psycho killer disarm you, and go down into the basement.
And the thing people have forever done of FF6’s world was simple: camping.
Not the old ‘marshmallows-round-the-fire‘, but the old ‘young couple going into the hills to study nature and biology*’.
Such as what is about to happen to an unfortunate couple in the Hills of Narshe.

The two sat by a stream in the hills of Narshe, where they were camping. The two were clearly in love, and therefore clearly doomed.
“Well, this is better than working,” said the Man
“Isn’t it? And speaking of work…” the woman handed a small box over “To celebrate your new job.”
It was a solid silver, ornamental letter-opener. The man, pleased at the gift, kissed the woman.
Later, the two were in their tent, and about to do what humans do, when the man realised that the noises of buttons and studs being popped had nothing to do with the woman’s trousers. The two looked at the tent’s entrance, which was unbuttoning…
The man grabbed a stick and whacked the entrance, concussing the perverse man outside. The two resumed their efforts, but were interrupted by a growling, the confused “Eh?” from the KO’ed man who had been awoken, then the “AAAARGH!” as the nameless pervert was attacked and rather messily killed The two stared at each other in horror, when something grabbed the woman’s feet. The man struggled against whatever was trying to drag his love away, but then there was an explosion of blood, and the woman was dragged out. The man stared at the attackers, blood on his face, terror in his eyes, and then…

The Figaroan-Narshean border
The man ran through the treeline, torchlight’s glinting behind him. Dog’s barked all around, and men with crossbows hunted the man. A magnesium flare shot into the sky illuminated the area.
The man, a Soldier, wore camouflaged trousers and a green shirt. He had brown hair and currently, a face covered in dirt.
The soldier ran straight into one of his pursuers: and then he disarmed him first by stealing his torch off of him, hitting another pursuer who had approached with the unlit section. Then he threw the torch at another chaser, hitting the man in the face.
However, the Soldier was smacked in the side of the head, and knocked won. A revolver was levelled at the side of his head.
“Nice try, Private Blooper,” said the pistol-wielder.” You evaded capture for 22 hours, and ...447 minutes?! What in the name of God is wrong with this watch now?”
The confused CO threw his watch away, and shot it. Then asked the rest of his men the actual time.
“I make it 46 Sir” said one
“I make it 12,” said another
“Woof,” said a dog
“Shut up, just because you always set your watch right!” the Captain yelled at the dog. He then continued:
“As our four-legged smartarse has told us, you evaded capture for 22 hours and 45 minutes.” The bewildered private looked at the dog. “Go to the top of the class, Blooper.”
“Can’t, sir, got thrown out of school, sir.”
“Eh?!”
“It was the explosion in the chemistry lab Sir. Went out the window and the place burnt down, and they wouldn’t let me back in when it was rebuilt.”
“Well, the real trick in survival lies not in running and hiding but in removing the enemy’s capacity to hunt you down.”
“Did that after the second explosion sah. Shot the watchman and ran like hell on his chocobo, sah.”
The man looked blank for a second, before glancing at the dog, and offering the revolver over to be taken
“Here. Shoot the dog.”
“… I’m sorry sir, what?”
“Take the revolver and give the dog an extra hole in the head.”
Blooper paused
“You are under my command on the selection process, Bloop. That is an order.
“This is a joke, right?”
“He thinks I’m joking… do I look like a comedian you shit for brains?”
Blooper looked at the man, who resembled a balder, fatter, older, Adam Sandler, and realised that, based on that evidence, the man just looked like an idiot. However the Captain DID have a loaded gun so Blooper simply said
“No, Sir… but I still won’t do it.”
“Do it.” Blooper stayed silent and above all did not take the gun. The Captain screamed
“SHOOT IT!”
“No! Sir!”
“What use are you to my team if you can’t even kill a dog? Even though you killed a pig”
“I can kill a dog Sir, and I have done on many occasions but they were attacking me at the time. And for the record, I only wounded the watchman but have killed twelve actual pigs with yet another science experiment, Sir. But I will not kill that dog for no reason”
“So if this dog were to attack you now?” the Captain grinned. He ordered the dog to attack. It refused.
“Grr… Well, Blooper, you’ve failed,” the Captain said, looking at the now-angry dog.
“For this?!” Blooper cried.
“You failed yourself. I need psycho killers who don’t need reasons. Not even to kill a dumb stupid leg-humping son of a dog-whore “
The dog then attacked the Captain.
“You son of a bitch!” the Captain screamed, and shot the dog in the head. Blooper responded angrily, lunging for the Captain
“You sick bastard!”
“It was just a dog, that’s all. Maybe when that’s sunk in, you’ll live and learn,” the Captain said, having levelled the revolver at Bloopers face.
“Maybe, but you won’t.” Blooper then smacked the revolver out of his hands as he punched the Captain, but the Officer threw the private to the forest floor. The angry Captain warned:
“I don’t do second chances, pal. And I never forget.” The Captain then saw something.
“Who the hell shot my watch?!” the Captain exclaimed.
“You did Sir,” the burnt-faced man said.
“Oh… What sick bugger shot that dog!?” the Captain said
“You again,” said the man with a headache.
“And… why have I got a gun pointed at this mans head?”
“You were fighting private Blooper Sir,” said the last one.
“Ah, right… RTA this piece of shit.”
“Road Traffic Accident? Sir, it wont be an RTA if we do it deliberately.”
“RTC even! Return him to his squad!”
“Its RTU, Captain Cryan,” Blooper said helpfully.
“Shut up! Just cos I forget the odd piece of information here and there…” the Captain burst into tears, and the private was taken away to be sent back to his regiment. Cryan, once he had stopped Crying, wandered off. A man with a crossbow followed and told him the base was the other way…

*Human reproductive systems in 6 cases out of 10. However in this case I guess they studied the eating habits of Mogarou’s… other things studied include trees, flowers, mushrooms, birds, and the entrails of the last people a hungry Mogarou got to.


Content Warning:
Later chapters of this fiction will contain somewhat gory references and probably some mildly offensive language, as well as some really pretty bloody sick things. No swearing worse than the S-Word will be written. The movie it is a parody of, Dog Soldiers,received the following censoship ratings: Australia:MA,/ Canada:13+ (Quebec),France:-16 , Germany:16 ,Ireland:18 ,Japan:R-15 , Netherlands:16 , UK:15 ,USA:R

This post has been edited by Del S on 13th January 2006 14:14

--------------------

"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

Chapter One: A weekend gone to the dogs.
One Month Later- Hills of Narshe
A horse-and-wagon trundled hastily along a mountain path. Upon reaching a certain bridge, it stopped, and the six soldiers in the back leapt out, the sergeant screaming his orders as the cart turned around and left.

The six soldiers dashed into the treeline, carrying crossbows with red-coloured bolts.
“I want a clear dump zone lads!” yelled the sergeant. One man paused, produced an axe from his backpack, and started to cut down a tree.
“No, Berry, you thick git! Make sure nothing not on our side is around!”
“We’re under attack, Sarge?! Oh gawd!” the incompetent Berry cried, and produced a grenade.
“Fire in the hole!” Luckily, no one trusted him with actual explosives, so the toy clattered away harmlessly.*
“Bloody Nora… Berry, we are not under attack, we never were, and probably never will be(1).”
“Cos my grenade scared them off, Sarge!”
“No, your low IQ did that. Now shut the feck up and aim your bloody crossbow.”
Berry did so.
“Not at Spruce’s arse!”
“This is utter bone, Sarge,” Said Balloon, another soldier
“Balloon, it may be bone, but we’re here anyway.”
“Utter pish this. I’m missing the footy for this,” one other, Joey said.
“Joe, shut it, Figaro’ll probably kick our arses as usual,” The Sarge said.
“And this isn’t?” Balloon said.
“You lot might be the death of me someday…” the sergeant muttered.
“Anyway, Blooper, look at the maps while we sync watches. Half past is coming up in five, four…”
“Ah shit, Sarge, I’ve left me watch in the pawn shop again. “ Said Balloon.
“Oh for fu… here, borrow mine.”
“Cheers. Er, what about you?”
“Don’t worry, I’ll count the clicks of my clockwork arse instead.”
The Sergeant walked over to Blooper.
“So, Bloop?”
“Well, we’re here by the giant red x on the map, and here, here, and here are points we can get through. This ones a gully, it’ll be patrolled, but if we wait till night, we can get through, find their camp, and nick the Mountain Ranger’s wallets,” Blooper said.
“Capital, mate. Look, I know you think it was a bit crap you failing selection but the squad needed you. Just be patient: maybe kicking their arse up here will convince them to let you in. Anyway, come on ladies, lets move it out, and remember: just cos we have rubber darts, don’t mean we think happy thoughts.”
“Oh, I don’t have rubber darts Sarge” Said Berry, waving the bow.
“Er, yeah, about that, Berry, my bow is, er, too light, yours looks heavier, swap?”
“Okay Sarge.”

The squad marched off, seeing nothing, not even their opponents in this exercise, Mountain Rangers. However, the Rangers saw them.
“Signal base. Flock is in the field,” said Cryan.
“You mean fold, sir?”
“…Yes.”

The squad halted for a short time-wasting exercise
“Some odd tales about this place. People come up, and don’t come back,” Blooper said.
“Those stories go about everywhere,” Joey said.
“Nah, for real. Last month, young couple came up, and the mountain rescue team just found the tent ripped to shreds, blood in the shape of a 100 feet by 50 feet rectangle divided in two down the long end, with a spot in the middle… come to think of it, it was just a football pitch marked in blood with guts for goals. Locals say it was an escaped lunatic, but they say it might have been a monster or even a disgruntled group of Scotland fans.”
The squad rolled out soon after they stopped puking and scanning the trees for telltale tartan…

It was now dark, and the squad had camped. So far, no “enemy” wallets had been liberated.
“What are you most afraid of, Spruce?” asked Balloon.
“Bad fanfic writers who seek painful ends to one-named characters for a cheap laugh.”
“Tch, you’re just taking the piss. Joe?”
“Penalty shoot-outs,” replied Joe
“Berry?”
“Getting caught in the crossfire of a Penalty shootout,” said the nice-but-dim squaddie
“Oookay, Bloop?”
“Squirrels. And Women. And Squirrel-Women.”
“How about you Sarge?” Balloon pressed on.
“Nowt scares Sarge!” said Berry.
“I dunno about that. One time, night just like this, Jeddy Coswald, old mate of mine, and me were out on patrol when a chocobo walked up, and attracted a bunch of monsters. Including a flying cow. So we shot the cow down, it died, so we cooked it and ate it. I had the squits for a fortnight.”
“A Flying cow?!”
“Yep” At that, a dead cow landed on the campfire.
“Just like that, actually. Except the cow we shot actually had wings,” said the Sarge as Berry stabbed it.
“Ain’t you scared Sarge?” asked Balloon
“Well, no, I was only five at the time that happened, and besides, I already ate,” Said Sarge.
“Er, what happened to Jeddy?”
“Moved to Vector a while back. Hear he’s doing well…”

Vector
“Coswald! Your platoon is to attack the dozy-looking woman with green hair standing over there!” screamed Kefka.
“Why, Sir?” Asked Jeddy.
“Oh come on, you’re fifty magitek soldiers, she wont bite!” Said Kefka
“Okay then… AAAAARGH!” Coswald screamed
“Ooh, blimey, arse blood and guts everywhere, Kefka!” Gesthal said
“Yep. Speaking of Arse, hers isn’t too bad neither. Phwooar!” Kefka said.
“Help me!” screamed a soldier
“No!” said Gesthal.

Back in Narshe, a shard of smoking metal with ‘Vector Army’ on it landed behind the trees the squad was in front of. The men simply failed to note its existence.
“Wait a tick, sarge, five?!” Joe asked
“Yep. They recruited young back when I joined up.”
“THAT young?!”
“Course not, my old sarge, he was barely out of nappies. Crazy chap was Sergeant Cuddles. Always a hit with the ladies mind you if he said goo-goo…”

Dawn
The squad moved out, heading up the hill to investigate where the cow may have came from.
“Bleeding to death, it could have wandered around for miles,” Spruce said.
“Nice of it to leave us a trail then,” Sarge said.
“You can’t think of investigating this just now, Sarge!” Joe said
“I’m not. However, its on our way, and I’m curious,” Sarge claimed
“Its one way of putting it, Sir…”
“Pardon me, Berry?”

Along the trail, they found chunks of meat.
“Well, lads. Either it was ‘natural’ causes, or there’s a sloppy butcher near here…”

Five Hours Earlier
In the forest, Cryan stood, Revolver at the ready, looking at the moonlight forest carefully.
A twig snapped behind him, so he turned quickly, but nothing. Then he heard it. Running, through the trees…
Then he saw the tall shape, with its fat stomach, run head first into a tree with an unusual growl.
He shot at it before it stood back up.
Sadly, Its chum wasn’t too happy at this, and , looking through its eyes at a surprisingly brightly lit grey world, charged the Captain, who turned, and the muzzle flare of the revolver flashed brightly in the creatures vision for a second as the bullet impacted, and then its claws were raised and…
The blood sprayed across the nearby rocks.

*or so it would appear, but it rolled onto the road, where it was stood on by a passing Chocobo, which threw its rider into a strange magical portal and the rider went back in time, and landed on Kefka’s head whilst he was five years old, and the brain damage made the young Kefka suffer schizophrenia. And when the voices told him to poison Doma, THAT’S when it technically hurt somebody. Goes to show everything’s lethal if fate feels like a laugh.

1- Boy, did he feel silly about saying that a day later!



This post has been edited by Del S on 4th April 2005 20:28

--------------------

"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

(rotflmao) After the prolouge, I just had to come back to see what you would do with Chapter One. And boy, did Chapter One deliver! I'll probably still be cracking up at random parts of the story tomorrow!!

--------------------

"No matter what happens, I will always be with you... forever." ---- Pocahontas, Pocahontas

"Only those who are already at the top are rewarded without trying."----- Delita Hyral, Final Fantasy Tactics

http://www.ffshrine.org/fft/fft-midi/1-42-back_fire01.mid ---- My favorite FFT battle song

Lololol. That was funny. I liked the part with Kefka. "You're 50 armored troops. You'll be fine."

--------------------

If you've been mod-o-fied,
It's an illusion, and you're in-between.
Don't you be tarot-fied,
It's just alot of nothing, so what can it mean?
~Frank Zappa

Sins exist only for people who are on the Way or approaching the Way

Chapter Two: Special Farces
Eighteen Hours after.
The squad came across a campsite. Items lay strewn all across the scene, including repetition crossbows -crossbows cocked via a small lever one pulled at the top of the box-shaped foregrip/barrel. This motion not only drew back the string, but also cocked a spring to assist in resetting the lever, and also pulled the next bolt into the chamber from the clip of thirty. Some models had a clockwork mechanism allowing rapid fire. Also lying around were many revolvers, one of the new “pump-action” shotguns, and a self-loading, Narshe SLR-1 rifle, a new weapon just neing issued to some rifle units to replace the breech-loading BLR-2, but still firing the ssme rounds as the army revolvlers. In addition, boxes of revolver (and rifle)ammo lay around, as did many crates of crossbow bolts. In an FPS, this would not be unusual, and would be enough to fight off the enemy of the level. However, this was not an FPS…
However, the worst fact was every weapon had not been fired once, and then there was the crimson stains lying all around, accompanied by some small parts of tissue. Blood was sprayed on the trees and rocks nearby.
“Bloody hell…” said Balloon .
“Looks like a messy eater…” said Berry.
“Berry, I was trying not to think about what it was being eaten…” Blooper said.
“Oh, that’s easy…”
“Berry!” yelled Blooper.
“…it was…”
“BERRY!” said Joe.
“…French fries covered in tomato sauce.”
“Phew…” said Balloon.
“…or, judging by the guts I’m standing in, people,” Berry blithered on.
“Aw, Jesus pissing Christ, Berry!” Spruce yelled.
The squad investigated a little more, , when a box clattered aside, to reveal Cryan, bloodied and aiming a Revolver.
“NOO!… Wha… Help me…” After this , the man collapsed..
“Check him out, Bloop!”
"Not my type, Sarge.”
“AS IN MEDICALLY, you muppet!” Sarge screamed
“I can patch him up, but he needs a medic fast.”
“Sodding magic…” Berry murmured.
“Cryan, what happened here?” Bloop asked
“Oh, Bloop, do not tell me you know him!” Joey said
“He’s Captain Cryan, sir, Mountain Rangers,” Blooper said
“Not the bloody dog lover!” Sarge said.
“There was only supposed to be one!” the Captain said, deliriously. He had claw marks across his chest, and blood across his face.
“Was he in on our game, Sarge?” Balloon asked.
“Not unit markings, insignia, or Uniforms, just tags…” Bloop announced.
“I reckon not then,” Sarge said
“A covert op?” Spruce said.
“Its possible,” Bloop said “They’ve staged exercises near places with a covert mission as cover before.”
“They tore them to pieces in front of my eyes!” Cryan wailed again.
“I hope he’s an artist, and some people objected to his drawings…” Berry said.
“Look around, mate, you tell me if there’s any bloody paper!” Spruce said.
Sarge did look.
“No paper… but some very weird shit.”
“Tranquilliser darts, Nets, Trainer Costumes…It’s more like a bloody Safari,” Spruce said.
“Who are they, Captain?” Bloop continued asking.
“Doesn’t matter, Bloop, what does is we have Casualties to locate, so ditch your packs, pick up a real weapon or two, as much ammo and stuff as you can carry, and lets get ready. We are up against live, hostile, targets, so if a little blonde artist should show up with a paintbrush and a bad attitude, I expect you to shoot the bitch. A lot. ” Sarge said.
“You can’t kill them. They won’t die!” Cryan moaned
“Only ‘cos you berks didn’t shoot them!” Berry said.

At that, there was a howling noise they normally wouldn’t have found scary, shouldn’t have found scary, but knee deep in blood, snot, sweat, shit and people’s insides, rabbits and chipmunks are scary.
“All right lads, grab what you can and head for the treelines,” Sarge yelled
The squad left, lugging Cryan.

As they ran, Cryan kept falling, dragging the man carrying him down with him. The Sarge decided to ask for a volunteer for rearguard action.
“I’ll do that, Sarge,” Spruce said
“All right, when we’re clear, we’ll cover you. “
“With what, sarge?” Berry asked.
“Crossbow bolts and bullets!” Blooper said.
“Wouldn’t a nice camouflaged blanket be more appreciated?” asked Berry.
“Shut up, Berry! No heroics, Spruce…”
“Right sarge.”

Spruce aimed the repetition crossbow, a Mastmar-Plinker 5.
There was a loud series of thump-thump noises, like heartbeat. It wasn’t his…

A creature looked through eyes that displayed a grey world. A grey world brighter than the coloured world humans saw…

Spruce heard a twig snap, and aimed the bow. Movement made him fire…
Nothing.
He removed the clip, saw the bolt locked into the chamber, and unblocked the chamber quickly. He re-cocked the weapon, bringing a new bolt into the chamber. He pulled the trigger…
The bow zipped off into the gloom, bounced off a tree, back the way it came, into a branch, before terminating in Spruce’s foot.
“AAARGH!”
After un-nailing his foot from the forest floor, he ran as quickly as he could.

Spruce ran along, not really paying much attention, due to fear. He stopped running. Being impaled upon a fallen tree does that to you.
Spruce, spitting blood, watched the claws streak towards him…

The Sarge ran back, looking for Spruce. He found most of him.
“Spruce? SPRUCE!” Sarge yelled in vain. Few living people have holes in the chest.
Suddenly, a creature howled, and Sarge felt claws rip his stomach open
Blooper then arrived, firing on the creature with his bow, and it yelped, and fled into the gloom.
“Sarge, where Spruce?”
“Everywhere! Arrgh, me guts are out…” the NCO wailed.
“Then we just pop them back in!”
“They won’t fit! AAARGH!”
“How come they did before?!”
“Its like packing a crate, everything fits when you take it out but there’s never enough space when you put it all back…” Sarge murmured.
A creature leapt…
“Target*!” Sarge yelled, as he and Bloop shot it.
Blooper picked the Sarge up, and they fled, Sarge moaning about guts.
The rest of the Squad shot at the shapes now trying to flank them as they fled along the forest. The shapes were tall, white, and had fat stomachs, as well as large claws and fangs. In the darkness of the forest, and encroaching sunset, not much else was visible.
Arrows clattered off trees, as the squad fired on the move, seeking to keep the enemy back rather than kill. In the current light, and current distances, killing shots were hard upon ordinary creatures.
Against the shapes surrounding the squad, it was nothing less than impossible. To do that would be useless. Like Berry.
“Target left!” cried one man.
“Covering fire!” bolts shot into the dark.
This yelling and shooting carried on for some time, until Balloon reached a road, and saw a Chocobo-And-Cart…

*In case you're wondering why they didn't yell contact, that's American soldiers. Target is yelled by the British army, ironic considering we ask questions then shoot. Luckily, Narshe's army is a combination of the two: shoot whilst asking questions. Questions such as "Why are we shooting again?"

This post has been edited by Del S on 28th April 2005 16:55

--------------------

"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

Del... you're a genius. Utter genius. XD

I just got this image on that last scene where they're just running back and forth...

Edit

"Target right!"

All stop and fire right. A yelp, the trees move, and they scream in terror and run to the left...

"Target left!"

All stop and fire left. A yelp, the trees move, and they scream in terror and run right...

"Target fore!"

All stop and fire in front. A yelp, the trees move, and they scream in terror and run backward...

"Target rear!"

"We just CAME from that way!"

"IT'S TELEPORTING!"

"SHUT UP, BERRY!"

--------------------

~Status Report~

* Completed... Dragon's Head
* Completed... Soldiers of the Empire: Disciples (release pending)
* In Progress/Undecided... Of Love and Betrayal
* Planning/Assembly... Where it all Began

lol. I love it too. You're a funny man.

--------------------

If you've been mod-o-fied,
It's an illusion, and you're in-between.
Don't you be tarot-fied,
It's just alot of nothing, so what can it mean?
~Frank Zappa

Sins exist only for people who are on the Way or approaching the Way

Chapter Three: House in the Hills
Near a road
Balloon leapt towards the road, screaming “On me, lads!”
“Oh gawd no! There’s one of ‘em on Balloon!”
“No, Berry, he meant follow him, you berk!”
“Oh, right…”
Balloon continued his plummet onto the road, where he landed unharmed.
“Thank you, Kingdom Heart’s engine wot lets you jump from Canary Wharf unscathed,” Said Balloon, as the cart rushed onwards…
It stopped suddenly, Balloon breathing a sigh of relief. Then the chocobo pecked him on the head.
“Fecking Ow!” he moaned.
“Get in!” the woman driving the cart yelled at the soldiers. The six were soon in the covered wagon.
“Okay, now all we needs the wheels to get stuck in the mud,” Blooper said, when the cart did not move.
“Move, you bloody stupid bird!” The woman yelled.
“… or the chocobo to get interested in the scenery…” He said, as a white-furred, long-clawed arm tore into the canvas beside him.
“SHITE! Is that bloody bird stupid?!” yelled Joe.
The chocobo warked happily.
Balloon stabbed the arm repeatedly, and it withdrew.
“Oi, bollocks, get back here!”
The chocobo noted the creatures for the first time. It started to run… leaving a little present for a creature following. It slipped, to the guffaws of the soldiers.
“I wonder why none of them tried to get it the back…” Berry asked.
“What happened?” Asked the woman.
“ We were attacked by big feckin’ furry scary bastard shit yer pants howlin’ thingies with teeth and claws, that’s what!!*” Joe said .
“Hey, where's Spruce?” Asked Berry.
“He’s gone…” Sarge moaned.
“Gone where?!” Joey asked.
“Dead gone… aaarghh feck it!” Sarge wailed.
“We need to get the wounded somewhere safe,” Blooper said.
“There’s a farm about five miles away. I’ll take you there, the owners are friends,” Said the woman.

The farm.
“I still want to know what git blew up the bridge back there!” Berry said.
“You did! There was a wolf on it so you threw one of my grenades(1) at it you daft sod!” Joey yelled.
“Whoops. Lucky I didn’t throw one of mine, or I’d have blown us all up!
Blooper hopped off, and walked stealthily over to the door…
Berry then clattered over to it and knocked loudly.
There was no response, so both squaddies looked at each other, and opened the door quietly.
Bloop checked downstairs, as Berry snuck upstairs.
“Quiet now, Berry.” Bloop had brought Berry as, despite him being a simpleton, unlike Balloon or Joey, Berry would not blow the doors open if they were locked.

Bloop entered the dining room , bow aimed. There was a grandfather clock ticking on one wall, and a fireplace with blood in front of it…
However, it was also the kitchen too, and it emerged the blood was a satin of red ink on the carpet. Bloop checked the next room just in case, and yes, there was nothing eating anyone called Kenneth.
Plates till lay on the table in the dining room/kitchen, and stew still boiled on the hob.
The squad entered, the Sergeant and Captain being sat at the table whilst the other men attacked the plates of food.
“Hey, you can’t just help yourself!” said the woman.
“Sorry, miss, but you never miss a chance to eat in our training,” Joey explained.
“Besides, we’re government agents, and we could legally nick the clock if we had some use for it,” Balloon said.
“Here, what is the stew?” Balloon continued.
“Uh… stuff,” said Berry.
The squad ate, bar Cryan and Sarge, who sat moaning.
“Where’s the nearest town, miss?” asked Blooper.
“Flarshe, about twenty miles away. Narshe itself is a good thirty-five. Why?” she replied.
“Once we’ve patched Sergeant Fells there up, we’ll head for Flarshe,” He said.
“Sod patching me up, Bloop, lets just bloody scarper!” Fells said.
“Alright. Balloon, with me. We’ll bring the cart up to the door.”

Outside
The two Narshean soldiers walked out, and Blooper lit a flare. Its glow revealed the gutted chocobo. It also revealed the creatures a dozen feet left and right of the two men.
“Don’t stare at them Balloon!” Bloop said
“Can’t help it…” Balloon said.
“Okay, feck it, RUN!”
The two dashed for the door, Blooper firing his revolver at the creatures. As he ran, he shot the dead chocobo…
The men slammed the door shut, and leaned on it.
Then the chocobo exploded.
Bloop and Balloon’s faces took on a wide-eyed shocked/amused expression.
“What the bloody hell happened there?!” Berry asked.
“I don’t have a fecking clue…” Balloon said.
“Well, that plan’s gone up in smoke,” Joey said.
“And feathers,” Berry said.
“Yes, and feathers. Also entrails,” Cryan interjected.
A white furred arm came in the door then.
During this commotion, Sarge’s bandages were grabbed and tugged by the dog, and Cryan had grabbed a bow, yelling that the dog needed to be shut up.
The men all leaned on the door, slamming it shut, and locked it.
Berry then threw up on Cryan, who was aiming the bow. He stopped aiming it after his bile shower.
“How charming… Bathroom, miss?” Cryan asked.
“Upstairs, you chiselling shitter,” she said
“We have a few questions for you, Cryan,” Blooper said.
“Well, I’m not going anywhere…” the Captain said.
“What’s your name anyway, Miss?” Joey asked
“Flegan. I live about ten miles away, saw the flares, and went out to look and see what was going on.”
“Right. Mind helping me get Sergeant Fells up the stairs?” Blooper said.
“What d’you mean?” Sarge asked.
“Up the wooden hill to glue yer guts in, Sarge.”
“What with?” Flegan asked.
“Sticky tape and whisky,” Bloop said. To the others, he said:
“Board up the windows, and put pots of water on the boil. If anything attacks, yell up.”

As they went upstairs, the rest of the squad stood at the door.
“Shouldn’t we have let it get its arm out first?” Joey said
“Here, it’s the one from earlier! Look at the stab marks!“ Berry said.
Balloon walked over.
“Hello, matey. Remember me?” He said, brandish a small hand-cranked drill and a tin opener.
Whilst the hall was filled with yelps, Berry and Joey then started to hammer boards onto the windows.

Upstairs
“Is whisky a smart idea?” Flegan asked, Sarge was now singing a rude song about a cucumber and a hedgehog having drank half a bottle.
“Sooonic the Hedgehog can stick a cucumber up his AAAARGH!” he screamed as Blooper began to stitch the cut closed.
“Yep. Makes anaesthetising him so much easier…”
“How?” she asked
“Its easy. When he’s finished the whole bottle, you’ll see,” Blooper replied
Sarge drained the bottle, and threw it out the window.
“Here, Bloop, Flegan, lets see who punches ‘ardest. You go first, Bloop!” said the drunk NCO.
“See?” Said Bloop, and punched. Sarge fell, then rose back up.
“Thaaargh, You bloody wuss! My Turn! Come ‘ere, Bloop,” Sarge then decked Blooper.
Flegan’s swing knocked the man out.
“… you were meant to hit me, love,” Said Sarge.
She smashed a chair over his head.
“Ooh, 100 points, miss! Good night, Vietnam…”
Bloop stood, rubbing his head, after Flegan awoke him.
“Owch. Lets tape his intestines back in…”

After the impromptu surgery, Blooper went downstairs. Flegan followed.
“What exactly are these things?” he asked her, as they passed Balloon, now inserting cocktail sticks into a pound wince hanging form the door…
“They’re Mogarou’s,” she said.
“Eh?” Berry said.
“Not entirely human, not entirely Moogle.”
“Weremoogles? You’re joking, right?” Balloon said, as the mince slipped out the door yelping.
“I might be nuts, Miss, but I’m no Kupo. This can’t be right,” Blooper said.
“Well, listen to the howls,” She said.
Five minutes later, none had howled.
She ran over to the door, opened it, and walked out. There was a yelp, and some angry screaming, as well as the sound of fist on nasal cartilage.
“Howl, you bastard! HOWL!”
No response, She grabbed something and twisted
“KUUUUPOOOOO!”
“There, wasn’t hard, was it?”
“Kuuuupoooowch!”
She walked back in, closing the door, as the wailing weremoogle crawled away clutching its groin..
“Holy undead kupo nuts! It’s only true! “Berry said.
The men, upon the phrase ’kupo nuts’ all recalled how she got it howl, and backed away slowly from Flegan. Bloop then though of a gonad-saving plan.
“Balloon, Joe, Berry, cover the windows!”
“What about Cryan?” Asked Flegan.
“Erm… Use him as bait?” Balloon ventured.
“Tempting but no,” Said Bloop.
Just then, Balloon spotted something moving outside, and fired…


*Sadly, there are lots of things that fit this description. Sasquatches, Devil Dogs, Gorillas, Republicans and Gau. Joey should have been more specific.
1-Plot Hole filling in: The Narshean army carry grenades in this fiction, but not in FF6. This is because the Guards in the town itself were Militia, not Army, and therefore, not trained to use grenades. See?

This post has been edited by Del S on 4th April 2005 20:21

--------------------

"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

Chapter Four: Berks Miffed.
The House
Weremoogles approached every window. Bowfire greeted them.
Berry aimed his rifle out of a window as a white, tall, shape neared.
“’Allo mate, are those yer kupo nuts?” He fired once. The Weremoogle howled.
“Yeah, Bollocks!” screamed the soldier.
Joey, meanwhile, blazed at the window with his shotgun.
Balloon fired his bow out the window. Then he noted that six Mogarou’s were outside. So he threw a grenade.
There was a loud bang, but it sounded… suppressed. Also, the flash was not quite as intense as usual.
He looked out of the window, thin smoke streaming in, to see white fur and blood surrounding a scorch mark and a pair of smouldering feet, with burnt, dazed, and gore-spattered weremoogles nearby. Balloon deduced that one must have swallowed the grenade, and then come down with some serious indigestion. *
Berry giggled at the three creatures wailing on the ground outside his window. Then a girl-weremoogle approached.
“Erk…” said Berry, and blazed away. Bloop soon arrived at his window, and helped out with bowfire, but as he did, a white-clawed arm smashed the small window on the door, and scrabbled for the lock.
Balloon did a sliding tackle to shut the door, but this was a bad idea on the splintery wooden floor.
“AAAARGH! ME ARSE!” he screamed, leaning onto the door to keep it shut. A jolt from the creature at the other side knocked his bow’s clip out however.
“Bloop!” the private screamed. Blooper grabbed a pot of boiling water from the stove, and ran to the door. The thrown water hit the window to a yelp and an argh.
“Gimme that pot, Bloop!” Balloon said, then hit him over the head with aforementioned pot, before smacking the undead creature’s nose repeatedly.

Joey neared his window, firing out of it. An arm grabbed the shotgun from him.
“Oh shite!” He screamed, and leapt aside as the buckshot flew overhead. The gun was then thrown back in on top of his testicles. He hastily grabbed it, pointed the shotgun at the creature entering, and blew its eyeballs out. Rectally.
“Urgh… I hope there’s disinfectant in here…” Joe said. He started to reload the shotgun by the boarded up back window, and, predictably, an arm grabbed him.
“Bloop!” he yelled. Blooper ran in, sword drawn, and cut the arm off.
“Cheers,” Joe said. The hand was still on him
“Give me that here mate,” Blooper said, grabbing the limb and throwing it out the window to a yelp.
The two soldiers looked out to see a one-armed weremoogle with a severed limb stuck by the clawed fingers into its eyes. Both soldiers laughed.

Balloon dropped a grenade out of his window, reloading his bow. After the bang, he simply aimed out.

Blooper, despite the bangs, heard a noise upstairs.
“Sarge…”

A Weremoogle stepped into the window daintily, moving towards the bed that Fells lay unconscious upon.
Bloop ran in, shot the one he saw, but was punched by one hiding in the cupboard.
“Bastard! Not that old jape again!”
He leapt up, and no weremoogles were visible.
He wrenched the cupboard door open and no weremoogle. A Wardrobe, nothing.
A kick from below the bed knocked him down, and there was a weremoogle.
The creature leapt up, in the process, waking Fells, who shot it in the bottom with a flare gun. The creature yelped in horror as it became an RPM (Rocket Propelled Monster) and zoomed out the window. There was yelping, then a bright flash, and then no more yelping
The second weremoogle, halfway in the window, reconsidered his entry after the events of the last few seconds. He jumped down and ran off screaming in weremoogle fear.
“Bloody hell, Bloop, where did all these slavering vicious hairy creatures come from?!”
“The Barracks, Sarge, they’re your squad,” Blooper replied.
“The UGLIER ones,” Sarge said.
“Dunno. Look like Domans to me.”

Downstairs, Berry turned to Flegan.
“Mogs? Right bunch of pussies!” he chuckled, then arms shot in the window and grabbed him. The woman stared out in horror; to the extent she barely noticed putting her hand on a nail.
She soon did however
“Oh buggerAAARGH!” She said, slipping on a banana skin.

Blooper came down the stairs to be told of Berry’s abduction. Fells hobbled down also.
“Well then, we’ll just get him back!”
“Don’t bother. He’s dead and you know it,” Said Cryan
“He’s probably right Bloop,” Joey said.
“I’m not dead… they were just the bad joke police and they gave me a mild kicking…”
“Yeah… poor bugger,” Fells said.
“If you come out and drag me back in quick, I can sit on the stairs and watch the door! And shoot thingies!”
“And to think we never trusted him with live grenades!” sobbed Bloop.
“You didn’t?! Bastards! Here, have yer grenade back Bloop!”
“And we always pissed in his tea…” Balloon said.
“BASTARDS!”
Something bounced off the window-frame, and laded back where it came from.
“Oh bugger.”
“Poor git… I can hear him now, y’know” Joey said.
“AAAARGH!”*BOOOM!*
“Yeah mate… we’ll all hear him in our hearts,” Bloop said.
”Y‘feckin‘ bastard! Arrgh, me bloody legs!”
“Anyway, lets get boarding the windows back up,” Fells said.
“Yeah, Berry and Spruce would want us to just get on with it…” Balloon said.
”Spruce?! You‘re alive?!”
“Hi Berry. Where’s the rest?”
“In that house over there… oh hell, nice weremoogle… ah… this is about the kupo nuts thing isn‘t it?
Sorry…”
“I see one!” Joey cried, throwing a grenade and ducking.
The weremoogles fled. The two soldiers stared at the grenade on Spruce’s stomach…
“Phew, got it,” Said Joey, as bits of gut rained down.
Then an arm flew in the window.
“Bloody sick animals! That’s Spruce’s, they dragged him here to taunt us!” Fells said.
“Here, have ALL the grenades!” Joey said, throwing his entire stock.
”I hate my life, Berry…” Spruce said as grenades landed all around…

The sounds of the blasts died down, and the squad looked out the re-boarded windows.
“Isn’t it amazing how long those fuses were?” said Balloon.
“Probably that’s because you didn’t cut them,” Cryan said.
“Oh, shut it, Cryan!” said Flegan.
“You know him?” Fells asked.
“I was seconded to his team on his first visit. I’m a biologist, and they needed an expert.
“First visit, eh?” said Fells. “Tie him up Bloop. Us and the Captain are going to have a little chat.”
“What are you going to do? Torture?” Cryan said.
“Possibly. I say chat, but mostly I’ll be listening on account of you screaming and me heating the irons while Bloop asks questions and miss Flegan tells us which parts would hurt most,” the NCO grinned.
“Arse, Balls, Armpits,” she said.
“Cheers.”
“Oh balls… look, I’ll sing like a canary if you ask nicely!” Cryan bargained, close to crying.
“Where’s the fun in that?!” Said Balloon.
“Hold on! I think I know of a way out of here. There’s a horse and cart in the stables out back,” Flegan said.
“Assuming it’s not dead,” Bloop said.
“They’re afraid of Horses,” Flegan said.
“Right…” Balloon said.
“Trouble is, I’m not good with horses. Can anyone hotwire a horse?” she asked.
“I can,” Joey said
“Great. We need a distraction for our chums outside for you to get there though,” she said
“Hang on, hotwire a horse?!” Fells said.
“Oh, its simple, Sergeant. What you do to get the horse to do what you want is you take some vinegar, make sure it knows what the vinegar bottle is, and then…” Cryan said.
“No, Cryan I intend to use this shotgun” Joey said.
“After it’s been up a horses arse?!” Cryan said.
“Would you prefer it up yours?”

And so, Balloon went out the bedroom window with a flare, as Joe looked at the stables from the other window…

As a side note, a weremoogle had gotten in while they were all upstairs and nicked the Telly. Then it left, closing the door quietly as its mates ran off with the rest of the valuables that weren’t silver.


*They don’t actually hire STUPID soldiers in the Narshean army (1). Berry doesn’t get paid.
1-Shame about the Militias.


This post has been edited by Del S on 4th April 2005 20:28

--------------------

"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

Chapter Five: Horsing around with Guns and Grenades
Balloon hopped down from the rope, and lit a flare standing out in the open. (he was standing out in the open, not the flare).
Balloon waved aforementioned pyrotechnic device around in the air to try attracting some weremoogles.
He noticed one that was merely looking at the ground
“Oi, Stupid! Over here!” he yelled.
The creature glanced up at him, then ignored him before staring once more at the ground.
Balloon noted some other weremoogles nearby, so formulated a plan…
A photo landed in front of the weremoogle that had ignored him as the rest stalked in.
“Eh? Whassat? YOU SICK BUGGER! ‘ere, weremoogles, that sick git’s looking at a photo of a moogle only four years old, he’s a stinking paedophile!”
The gene for lynching kicked in before the weremoogles realised that Balloon mean four HUMAN years, which translated to twenty in Moogle. Balloon was halfway up the rope when they realised this, and also realised that, semi-invincible creature or not, their chum wasn’t going to be very happy at being dead.
“Move your arse, soldier!” Flegan yelled at Balloon.
“Moving very quickly, ma’am!” said Balloon, struggling in. Then the weremoogles pulled on the rope, and started to climb up too.
“Crap, someone cut it!” Blooper yelled.
Flegan emptied a box of knives onto the weremoogle, who fell, minced and yelping.
“…not exactly what I meant, but it’ll do…” he said, cutting the rope.

Meanwhile, Joey had entered the stable via a side door, Shotgun ready. The horse took one look at the weapon and instantly became docile.
Joey moved the horse in front of the wagon, hitched it up, and then lit an oil lamp.
In front of the horse, near the main door, sat a weremoogle, and Berry.
Berry reached towards Joey, as if pleading for help.* Then the weremoogle bit his head off and threw it at Joey.
The severed head actually hit the horse, which promptly ran backwards out of the stable, taking the cart and Joey with it. Through the wall.
“Arrgh! Splinters!”
Joey drove the carriage up to near the front door, then heard hissing behind him.
“Its behind me, isn’t it?” he said to the air. Unfortunately, the air only spoke French , German, Spanish, and Welsh so didn’t know what he was talking about.
Joey, despite lack of an answer, drew his sword.
“COME ON THEN YOU FURRY TIT!” He screamed, diving in the back. Yelling in anger, which soon turned to agony as the wagon rocked back and forth, then stopped moving…

The group ran out of the door, to the back of the wagon. Blooper looked in, saw blood staining the canvas, and handed Flegan a revolver(1).
Carrying the rifle dropped by Berry when he was dragged off, Blooper looked into the wagon. Joey lay there, covered in stab wounds and lacerations, a small burst football sat hissing, and a box marked ‘sharp objects, do not leap on angrily’ had clearly been leapt on. Blood naturally was spattered everywhere.
“Joe… you daft git…” murmured Balloon.
“Grokupowl!” said the weremoogle on the wagon’s roof.
“OH, BUGGER!” Screamed Blooper, stumbling back whilst firing.
Flegan and Fells levelled their revolvers and put twelve rounds into the creature.

The surviving humans sat in the sitting room, Balloon counting the remaining ammo, Cryan still tied up by the fireplace, and the others “Interrogating” him.
“Okay, Cryan, sing now. What was your team doing here?” Blooper asked
“When I said I’d sing, I lied!” Cryan smirked. The smirk faded as the shotgun muzzle was stuck in his mouth for pretty bloody obvious reasons.
“Laaagh, fish guns bin up a airoogles ahsehole you ick astard!” Cryan said, or tried to.
“I know, and Joey bled all over it too. Sing, or it goes up yours, then YOU bleed on it,” Fells said.
“Have you ever heard of Special Weapons division? The crazy people who train rabbits to rip guts out?” The officer said.
“They wanted you to capture one of these things?” Blooper said.
“Exactly. We were to lay whatever bait we wanted to catch it.”
“Bait?” Fells asked
“You lot,” The man said coldly.
“You [funking] animal! Why the hell did you kill my lads? Just to catch tone of those things?” Fells yelled.
“Um, I thought I made that rather clear,” Cryan said.
“Easy, Sarge. Lets hear the rest, while we plan what to do with him,” Blooper said
“I was told to get one by any means. I recalled Blooper there, and reasoned that if he wouldn’t kill a dog he wouldn’t kill a moogle,” Cryan said. Fells punched him.
“So explain why it went tits up then , you smug , upper class, shit?” Balloon asked, from the table.
“Our intelligence boobed. We thought there was only one…”
“Yes, yes, we heard you say that earlier,” Flegan said.
“…but they numbered closer to twenty,” Cryan finished.

Fells turned away from the officer, to speak to Balloon.
“What’s the ammo like, Balloon?”
“Only forty bolts left for three bows, about thirty bullets for the revolvers and rifle to share. Shotguns got a few shells, but other than that, looks like swords soon Sarge. Had a root around and all I found were a few barrels of gunpowder, and these funny looking tubes with bulbs on the end and ‘RPG’ on the side. I think they’re useless.”
“Yeah, just put them back. Look for anything silver…”
Blooper walked over to the fireplace. Upon it lay a small photo of the houses owners outside. However, no silver.
“If those are the owners, where are they?” He asked.
No silverwhere was found anyware. Initially, Fells thought this was because they had misspelled it, but Flegan had another idea.
“The reason they have no silver here, is because why would a weremoogle have silver in his house?” Flegan said
“Ah, bumgrapes,” Blooper said.
“Bloody mystical! No wonder they’re attacking, we just invaded their house!” Fells realised.

To cheer himself up, he walked back over to Cryan
“Now, Captain, let us continue our chat. Possibly about why you‘ve recovered so quickly…“ Fells said.
“Yeah. When we found you, you were at death’s door. Now you’re fine,” Blooper said.
“Same with Fells…” Cryan pointed out.
“This isn’t about Fells, Cryan, it’s about YOU!” Flegan said
“Oh, maybe its about us both…” Cryan said, standing up. After ripping the ropes apart like paper.
“Oh buggery,” Balloon said.
“Yep, that about sums it up…” said Blooper.
Cryan’s eyes glowed yellow, and then he fell behind the table. Cloth ripping, pained moans and the sound of bones grinding came from behind the table, then came pained yelps instead of screams…
Cryan stood back up, with claws, and a lot more hair…
“I’ve just crapped my pants,” Blooper said
Cryan howled, and leapt forward…


*really, he was saying ‘J’accuse’ but A) he was too weak and Joey didn’t know who Jack Hughes was.
(1) not for her protection, really, but his, because it’s statistically proven that 9/10 attackers attempting a close combat kill will go for the revolver-firing person first. Its probably Dirty Harry’s fault.

Note: [funking] was said in the interrogation sequence by Fells for two reasons: A)- As a nod of the hat to an alternate scene from Shaun of the Dead and not sure if that line can truly be crossed, even for realistic effect. But hey, honestly, do you give a funk?
Additional note: Whilst the ‘rifle’ that fires revolver rounds should be called a sub-machine gun, this phrase hasn’t been coined on FF6 world yet since no one has developed any actual machine guns. Expect Figaro and Vector, and they smell funny.

This post has been edited by Del S on 4th April 2005 20:33

--------------------

"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

Chapter Six: A plan to have a blast
The House
“Cryan” leapt forward. Into Bloopers sword.
However, the weremoogle did not seem fazed by this.
Fells grabbed a log off the fireplace. Sadly, it was a small twig. He stared at it for a moment, then threw it away.
“Fetch!”
Cryan leapt for the stuck, and Balloon swung his sword…
Cryan leapt out of the way as Balloon’s sword swung into the mantelpiece and smashed every ornament.
“Oh hell…. Uh….”
“Never mind the fecking ornaments, kill the crazy weremoogle!” Blooper screamed.
Fells now had a proper log, and rammed the burning end into Cryan’s stomach. The Weremoogle howled.
As Balloon’s swipes did further interior decorating, the injured weremoogle leapt out of the window.
It missed, and hit the wall. It tried once more, finally getting the window, via the planks…
”Kuppoow, splinters!”

After nailing the boards back up using the unaccounted for source of wooden boards Flegan was getting from somewhere, the team thought of a possible plan.
“I say we burn the trees outside down,” Balloon said.
“I say we sit tight ‘till help comes,” Blooper said
“Wait, I know, we build an Airship, and fly out of here!” Fells said.
“A what, Sarge?” Balloon asked
“I say ONE OF YOU STUPID IDIOTS GOES OUTSIDE AND GETS THE HORSE AND CART!” Flegan screamed.
“The what?!” Balloon asked
“The one at the front door!”
“Oh, THAT,” Fells realised.

Five Minutes Later
“The petrol tank’s burst and it’s like it’s pissing petrol out,” Balloon announced.
“That IS piss, it’s a horse. They’ve popped its bladder,” Fells said.
“Oh…”
“Well, since it’ll probably die before it gets us anywhere, It’s not much use…” Flegan said, looking at a barrel of gunpowder.
“What are you planning?” Blooper asked nervously. He soon wished he hadn’t.
“Well, the creatures must be nesting near here, somewhere warm and close to their food supply,” She said.
“The stables?” Fells said. Bloop stayed silent. He knew where this was going.
“Yes. If we can blow the stables up, we might just be able to take most of them out. “ Flegan announced.
“And how exactly can we do that?” Balloon asked.
She pointed at the barrel of gunpowder.
“Yes, and the overall plan?”
“A volunteer runs outside, loads the cart with gunpowder, ensures it leaks a small trail of powder, drives it into the stable as someone else lights the powder, the volunteer jumps out and runs back. I propose Blooper as volunteer, and Balloon to light the fuse, any questions? No? ok, go,” She said .
“Actually, I have one: what if Balloon lights it too early?” Blooper said.
“Speed up,” Flegan said.
“I don’t think that’s very safe!” Blooper said.
“I think it is. We’ll be fine in the house,” Balloon said.
“And what about ME?!” Blooper said.
“He’s right, this could be dangerous. I had better light the powder,” Fells said.

And so, Blooper loaded the cart with barrels, and broke one to release a small trail of powder…

The cart clattered down the hill to the stables, as Fells stood ,with a burning rag in a bottle, at the door.

The cart was halfway, when something happened: Fells sneezed, and dropped the bottle, which lit the powder.
“AW SHIT!” Blooper screamed, and the horse’s speed doubled…
The horse and cart then crashed straight into the stable, overturned, and Blooper ran quickly.
He ran past the burn after five seconds, and ran even faster upon realising this.
Then… nothing. The powder had burnt out a few meters short.
“What now?!” Blooper screamed.
“Flare!” Balloon screamed, firing one.
It hit Blooper in the chest.
“AARGH!”
“Balloon, that was the only flare, and you just hit Bloop. Nice work,” Flegan said.
“Run into the powder, the burning clothes will light it!” Balloon yelled.
“Sod that!” Screamed Blooper, throwing the burning jacket, with flare fused on, into the stable, and fleeing.
The flare burned out…
Bloop, in desperation, ran back to the house, and grabbed an RPG from the closet. He tired paper to the RPG’s end, and lit this paper. He ran towards the stable, and threw the burning paper-and-bulb on the stick in.
The Powder went up at last, in a massive fireball. Something shot out of the flames into the sky, and spiralled off eastwards over the treeline. A few second after, some smoke rose from wherever it landed.

A singed, and soot-covered Bloop staggered back to the house.
“Okay, we blew them up, now we run?” Blooper said.
“Actually, no… there never was any chance,” Flegan said, looking like she was confessing to something.
“What do you mean?” Balloon said.
“There was no way of getting out of here alive.”
“Why?!” Fells asked.
“Because…” she said, but was interrupted.
“Because there wasn’t even one in the stables when it blew up, was there?” Blooper said.
“Not one,” She said
“And that photo: the only reason that someone could have taken it is because it was you, wasn’t it?”
“…Do you think I like being a part of this? This screwed up ‘family’? No, no I don’t,” She said, backing up.
“So where ARE they?!” Balloon said.
They emerged from behind Flegan.
“…I know you three probably think I’m a complete bitch. But that’s totally wrong. “
“No… you’re a catgirl from hell,” Fells said, drawing his revolver.
Flegan’s eyes glowed yellow, and Fells shot her between the eyes.
“Bad kitty…” He said.
It was then the three recalled what it was standing behind her.
“OH BUGGER! RUN!” Fells yelled. He and Blooper went upstairs.

Balloon however ran into the kitchen.
“Balloon, come on!”
“SurEEEK!” the soldier ran into a weremoogle, and ran back in. He barricaded the door with the table, and took aim at it.
They came in the other door.
“Oh hell!” He shot a few crossbow bolts, driving them back, and blocked that door with a chair.

Blooper and Fells, meanwhile, ran. Blooper turned to throw a grenade, and , after it detonated, he realised Fells and Balloon were nowhere to be seen…



This post has been edited by Del S on 4th April 2005 20:36

--------------------

"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

Chapter Seven: House Party.
The House, Upstairs
Blooper knew Balloon was probably still downstairs, but was unsure of Fells.
“Where are you, mate?” He yelled. A Weremoogle came upstairs, and Blooper ran into a nearby door.
It was the bathroom.
“Sarge?!”
Fells had ran into the safest place to be in most times of stress: the toilet.
“I’m in the Khazi!” He yelled.
“The what, Sarge?!”
“The KHAZI!”
“The Toilet?”
“Yes, Moron!”
Blooper realised this was through a wall, and kicked at the sink.

Fells meanwhile, sat tight. Then an arm punched in through the door. Fells grabbed a spray-can, and lit its emissions, attempting to burn the fur.
“How’d you like these apples?!”

Blooper, meanwhile, had a chunk of porcelain, and started to hack his way through the plaster wall.

Fells spread at a Weremoogle’s arm. He then realised something.
“Bloop, give me a shard of porcelain! “
“Why, Sarge?” Said Blooper, his face visible through a small hole.
“Just give me a long thing one.”
Blooper did so.
A Weremoogle arm came in, and was promptly pinned to the door by the shard. Fells then set it alight with the remainder of the can.

Blooper made his way through, and started to hack at the other wall. Fells meanwhile, grabbed a second spray can as the arm worked it way free, covered in flames.
The second can ran out as Blooper hacked his way through, and the two scrambled into the bedroom.
A Weremoogle tried to follow. Fells punched it, then blocked the hole up.
“Crap, now what?” Blooper realised.
“Quick, hide in the cupboard!” Fells said.
“What?!” Blooper said. They opened one. CzarDragon greeted them
“Are you the party?” it asked “You’re at least, ooh, 15 months early you know.”
“Uh, what?” Blooper said.
“Then go away. “ The hidden boss said, and closed the door. It would be the last anyone would see of him in anything FF6 related that was not a hack…
The two soldiers ignored this, and got into the closet.
The bottom was lined with bones.
“Aw gawd…” Fells said, not at the sight, but what he knew was coming.
“Looks like this family had a few skeletons in the closet…” Blooper said.
“Right, that’s it, give me your bow. We’re going down into the kitchen…”
“How?”
“Slowly to start, but its an express elevator…”

Meanwhile…
Balloon heard the grenade go off. He aimed at the door still, but now glanced at the other door occasionally.
Then the weremoogles attacked in force, smashing at the door.
Balloon fired a few bolts through, to yelps, but was soon out. He drew his sword, and awaited the inevitable.
The chaired door burst open, and a weremoogle entered. Balloon swiped at the creature, but his sword lodged in its skull, and didn’t come out. Luckily, the creature fell dead(ish).
Balloon breathed a sigh of relief. Then another one came in.
“Aw hell… “ he said, and ran at it…

Balloon swung, kicked, and dived. The weremoogle was fast, however. Balloon managed to land a punch on it nevertheless.
“HA! Take that y’bastard!” he yelled, grabbing a knife, and poising himself to stab the creature.
He attacked , stabbing it, and screaming like a man berserk. The creatures blood was sprayed all over him… but it still stood up. Not one head wound had been inflicted in Balloons crazed attack.
The creature punched him like a sledgehammer to the testicles, and then grabbed the dazed man.
“…I hope you get some serious diarrhoea from eating me you furry tit!” said the defiant trooper.
It struck then….

Back upstairs
“OW! MY FOOT!” Blooper said
“Well, I told you to watch out!” said Fells, as the bolt was plucked out.
“So, now what?”
“Stamp on the floor,” Said Fells.
“With THIS foot?!”
“No, the other one, you big wimp!” Said the NCO as both began stamping.

Downstairs
The two men fell down, onto the table, which had been shifted by the entry of weremoogles. None were in sight, and neither was Balloon…
“Where’s Balloon?!” Blooper cried.
Fells picked up a watch from a pool of blood. His watch.
“There is no Balloon…”
“Crap!” said Blooper, punching the wall.
“Come on, block the doors back up!” Fells said.
The two did so, but soon after, the weremoogles attacked once more.
The dog from earlier then sprang out of a trapdoor that led to the basement.
And Fells screamed in pain.
“Sarge?!”
“Bloop… “ the man breathed heavily, his fingernails growing longer… “Get out. Hide down there, and get away from here. You have to prove this happened to someone, and get these things killed!” The sergeant said.
“I’m not leaving you behind!”
“Get down into the basement, Blooper! This isn’t an order, mate, it’s a last request…”
“But…”
“JUST BLOODY GO!”
Blooper did so reluctantly, taking the dog with him, as Fells slumped by the cooker, and groaned. He reached out, and switched the gas supply on, and it leaked out into the room…
Blooper locked the trapdoor behind him, and heard the doors barricades give way once more.

Fells stared at the weremoogles, and produced his lighter.
“Sorry lads, can’t join the group. I’d just burn your credibility…”
The fireball blew the walls of the house out, and the remaining few walls simply collapsed as flames shot out of the windows, before they all were swallowed up by the smoke and dust…

Blooper couched in the basement, and cringed at the noise. The trapdoor was now blocked, and the smell of dust filled the air… but so did another smell that was equally unwelcome.
Blooper looked around in the basement, and saw numerous human bodies hung up on hooks. He’d found their fridge.
Uniforms of the mountain rangers adorned most bodies, but lying in a corner was a small metallic… Dagger? Letter opener?

Blooper looked at it carefully, then heard a noise behind him.
A Weremoogle stood, with a sword stuck straight through him.
“Cryan…” Blooper realised.
Cryan roared.
“Tried licking yer balls yet? Oh, that’s right, you don’t have any!” Said the soldier.
The captain-turned-monster attacked…

This post has been edited by Del S on 14th October 2005 12:05

--------------------

"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

NOOOOOOOO!!!! CLIFFHANGER!!!!

Anyhow, this was great!!! You put everyting into this, and it was a great success!!!!

--------------------

"No matter what happens, I will always be with you... forever." ---- Pocahontas, Pocahontas

"Only those who are already at the top are rewarded without trying."----- Delita Hyral, Final Fantasy Tactics

http://www.ffshrine.org/fft/fft-midi/1-42-back_fire01.mid ---- My favorite FFT battle song

I agree, this is great.

It's even greater if you sit down and read a lot at once (like I just did... >.>)

--------------------

~Status Report~

* Completed... Dragon's Head
* Completed... Soldiers of the Empire: Disciples (release pending)
* In Progress/Undecided... Of Love and Betrayal
* Planning/Assembly... Where it all Began

Chapter Eight: That didn’t happen in the film…
The Basement
Cryan punched Bloop, and pinned him against the wall. He then tried to stab Blooper with the sword.
Blooper kicked Cryan in the parts he had earlier said did not exist. This didn’t seem to stop it hurting like chainsaw buggery.

Blooper scrabbled left, and grabbed a piece of wood. He hit Cryan a few times, before drawing his revolver. He then recalled something: what was the small sharp object earlier made of…?
It was a little too much to hope, but it was the only hope.
Blooper threw it at Cryan, and it lodged in the creatures arm.
The skin around the stab began to smoke, and the weremoogle screamed.
Blooper took aim.
“And by the way, fartbreath, I can shoot a weremoogle…”
He fired. Cryan’s world ended.

Some time later
The sun had arisen, and Blooper had dislodged the debris from the trapdoor with some effort. The dog followed him, as he stepped through the still-smouldering rubble.

In the dawn air, there was a thick fog. From this fog, came men…
Soldiers.
Figaroan Soldiers.
Not Fog Soldiers, as that would just be cheesy.
The lead Figaroan ran towards him, saw him, and both soldiers screamed.
“AARGH!”
“AARGH!”
“AAARGH?!”
“AAAARGH!!”
“Who are you?!” Said the Figaroan sergeant.
“Who are YOU?! And before you say you asked first, this is my country, not yours.”
“I’m Lieutenant Peter Grelmin , of the Figaroan Mountain Rangers! We’ve…”
“…been attacked by great big furry howling things?” Blooper interrupted.
“Yes, how did you know?!” said the Corporal.
“So was I and my squad,” Blooper said, pointing to the burning rubble.
“So, lads, since you’re guests in my nation, what happened?”
“Who are you, Private?” The Lieutenant said, realising that Blooper was below his rank.
“Private Blooper, Narshean Army.”
“Well, we had it covered to start with, our platoon of fifty. I guess you must have been on the exercise we were told to stay away from…”
“Why were you here, Lieutenant?” Asked Blooper.
“We were here to train to try and lay an ambush for a Vectorian force. No one in your army believes they’ll attack, so we needed to train guys to know the area. Then they attacked…”

It had been going well for them actually, No losses, and a fairly large firebase set up within a clearing…
Then, a few hours before, something exploded a mile or so west, and then something came from that direction.
“It landed, blew up ten of our lads, and they broke through, and killed Captain Ryan as well as most of the rest.. We’ve been running from them for the past few hours, the fifteen or so of us left.”
Blooper looked innocently sympathetic while he thought: bugger.
“So, uh, were are they?”
“Scared off by the blast, I think. We’re heading back to the river, to get our boat,” said Grelmin.
“Mind if I tag along, Lieutenant?”
“If you can shoot, here’s a pistol,” said the Figaroan, handing over a Figaroan FP2 automatic pistol.

The hastily allied team then ran…

The scenario felt like before to Blooper. All that was different was it wasn’t his mates, never would be, and the Figaroan’s yelled different words. Other than that, he half expected to run into a chocobo and cart…
“CONTACT!” screamed a soldier at the back, firing his rifle.
His comrades joined in, and the weremoogle fell. They didn’t rejoice, instead, they started running once more as another covered them.
They kept running, and shooting. However, their volley fire didn’t stop them all. One weremoogle, before death, tore apart one man and took the guts out of another. Another group managed to encircle the squad, and they only escaped because Blooper grabbed a rifle from a dead man, and shot the team’s way out. The Corporal and three others were killed then, but they carried on. The river was in sight.

Ten small boats lay by a jetty, and the survivors scrambled on…
The tarpaulin lying in it leapt up and cut the first man’s throat. The remaining men killed the weremoogle.
However, as he fell back, dying, the man fired one shot. This shot hit a rock, ricocheted into a tree, and shot through a branch, which then fell onto Blooper, and knocked him out…
“Oh, hell, uh, what do we do now, Lieutenant?” said one of the remaining six.
“Uh… Terry and Bruce, you get one boat, Sergeant Wells, you get another, take Cooper and Witherspoon, and… Joe, with me and our Narshean chum…”

They sailed off into town, and sailed off into legends of the battle in the mountains.

Most of these legends, as is the case with legends, were changed. The Domawood remake had all Doman’s involved, and, rather like such rewritings as The Figaroan Job faltered.
But the legend grew nevertheless over the next two months, as did the number of cucumbers involved.

But the world was sailing down a different river, and two months afterwards, that Vectorian attack did hit Narshe, and broke straight past the defences, allowing a small magitek team in to attack the southern mines.

Five months later, it ended, as people knew it.

The legend grew even more, for the people of Narshe; it had become a story of how their people would triumph over any situation.
Kefka liked the bits with cucumbers, so he let them live. If they promised to claim he was in charge of the weremoogles.

This story however did not, and Blooper kept sailing down his river, even though no one else was on the river they were once on.

Eventually, Blooper reached a jetty… in that he woke up after a coma.

Some time later
The city centre lay so deserted, anyone who were to awake suddenly and walk out would think the world was coming to an end. However, most people would think ‘Again.’
Blooper, however, didn’t.
When he awoke, what he thought first was, where am I? He realised hospital, on account of the surgical dressing gown thingy. Then he thought, where’s my gear? He found issue camouflage gear, and put it on, as he didn’t like draughts on his arse.
He walked out of the hospital, wondering where the staff were. There were no other patients…
Upon exiting, he saw a scene of carnage. Carts lay overturned, horses lay dead, as did chocobos, and litter and detritus was strewed everywhere.
“Ah, shite…”
Blooper took a crossbow and sword from one cart, and started walking…

To be continued...

This post has been edited by Del S on 4th April 2005 20:41

--------------------

"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

Yay!!!! I liked the ending. I feel sorry about what happened to the Narshean army... those sole survivor endings always make me cry... that is, when I'm not trying to laugh and cry at once...

--------------------

"No matter what happens, I will always be with you... forever." ---- Pocahontas, Pocahontas

"Only those who are already at the top are rewarded without trying."----- Delita Hyral, Final Fantasy Tactics

http://www.ffshrine.org/fft/fft-midi/1-42-back_fire01.mid ---- My favorite FFT battle song

BUM BUM BUMMMMMMMM...

*deep voice* To be continued...

I'm not sure if you meant as another chapter, or another fic, but I'll read it nonetheless.

--------------------

~Status Report~

* Completed... Dragon's Head
* Completed... Soldiers of the Empire: Disciples (release pending)
* In Progress/Undecided... Of Love and Betrayal
* Planning/Assembly... Where it all Began

Its another fic, Zeph. Not for quite a while yet, but the plan is to spoof a certain film-of-a-game... and a certain movie about what happend a month after some monkey's escaped.

This post has been edited by Del S on 17th November 2004 19:13

--------------------

"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.