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Well, all of you who love to criticize the hell out of everything I say or do, this time, I'm asking for it. (No comments about whether I ask for it generally, kthx.) This is the beginning of a story...maybe. I haven't decided whether I want to keep on or not. I've written a little more than just this, but this is a decent stopping point for the beginning.

So, I guess I'd like to know what you think of the character, Luz, and whether the way I'm setting this up is just stupid or not. I don't usually write about vampires. This isn't really a story, but more of a character introduction.

Anyway.

...

Luz y la Oscuridad

Night had become a permanent state of being. Hours of locked doors and broken streetlamps stretched into infinity, running together like scenes in a film, broken only by brief, invisible transitions. The sun might have died but for the pale, dead moon that Luz had read reflected its light. Sometimes, that fact felt impossible to her, the surreal product of an insane age, and she wondered if the moon might be the charred, grey cinder left of a light that had abandoned the world.

Luz let the heavy, brown curtain fall back into place as she slid away from the window. The yellow glare of the lamps outside and the gentler glow of the moon were absorbed by the thick cloth, and the only illumination in her small bedroom came from a flickering nightlight in the hall. Luz preferred it that way; over the years, she had grown accustomed to existing in the darkness.

At first, the shadows had frightened her. That first night had been the hardest; she had been forced to take refuge in a crypt, and she would never be able to erase the memories of the stench, the rats sucrrying beyond her sight, and the last terrified moment of consciousness before slumber overcame her. The one who had made her had at least had time to explain the dangers of sunlight and fire before she--

Luz shook her head, clearing her thoughts, a trick she had found to be quite useful. It was dark in here; she moved to the doorway and flipped the light swtich, and the bedroom suddenly glowed with color.

Unlike the golden glow of the candles and lamps of her previous life, now rendered implausible by the heat of their flames, the fluorescent bulbs mimicked daylight. This light might have been paler, but then, her memories of life might simply be more vibrant than reality. Either way, the dull tones of midnight were not bright blues and reds, the colors of her childhood. Each of the things here, every rug and afghan, had been carefully chosen, though mostly from the homes of her victims, who were too drunk with lust to protest. Some of them had had no more need of their belongings, anyway.

Something scurried away from the edge of Luz' field of vision, seeking again the safety of shadows. Luz smiled humorlessly. The poor thing moved on instinct, fearing that its presence would provoke her to disgust, afraid that she would smear it from existence simply because it was there. It could never know, with its furtive intelligence, that she was simply to old to bother. She had eternity at her fingertips, but not the time to snuff out a cockroach.

It was almost worth it. Her power was limitless; she was a god among insects. She didn't seem to have time for anything; her days were consumed by exhaustion and her nights by thirst. This gift, this immortality, ended abruptly at the peeling paint of her apartment walls. It was a small price to pay, she knew; she would live forever but for sunlight, fire, the presence of a God she had prayed to in life but hid from in this eternal night. She could leave, of course; she could scurry from darkness to darkness like the vermin beneath her warm refrigerator. This endless process of dying was almost worth it, simply because it would never end.

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Veni, vidi, dormivi.

I liked it :-) But I have a small problem.

You spend the first few paragraphs about how she likes darkness, prefers it, needs it, etc. And then she walks into a room and turns on a bright light.

Why would she turn on a bright light if she prefers darkness? or does she really prefer having light? Or is it all irrelevant, and she needed the light for something? Why not a lamp then?

Sorry ^-^ Just my thoughts. I liked it, otherwise.

What does the title mean? It's latin, right?

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I had an old signature. Now I've changed it.

Well, I'm no writer but I liked it.

I especially liked the last bit where she thinks her hellish life is almost worth it because its eternal. Thats a good line.

Its a good beginning. What plans do you have for the story line and such?

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-- You're Gonna Carry That Weight --

Quote (Elena99 @ 18th January 2004 13:39)

I liked it :-) But I have a small problem.

You spend the first few paragraphs about how she likes darkness, prefers it, needs it, etc. And then she walks into a room and turns on a bright light.

Why would she turn on a bright light if she prefers darkness? or does she really prefer having light? Or is it all irrelevant, and she needed the light for something? Why not a lamp then?

Sorry ^-^ Just my thoughts. I liked it, otherwise.

What does the title mean? It's latin, right?

Well, what I was going for was a little bit of Luz not being entirely stable. I guess it doesn't come out very much in this fragment, but her embrace (or whatever you want to call being turned into a vampire) wasn't very pleasant, and she doesn't like to think of it. She's not one of these vampires who goes around with "I am vampire, hear me roar"; she's way more on the side of wishing she was still normal, and pretending, especially to herself, that she is, whenever possible. Liking the darkness is almost instinctual to her now, as a vampire, but normal humans like the light--so she turns it on. Make sense? The contradiction was deliberate, but if it comes off as stupidity on my part, maybe I need to rethink it...or maybe it would make more sense with more of the story. What do you think?

And "Luz y la Oscuridad" is Spanish for "Luz and the Darkness." 'Oscuridad' literally means 'obscurity', as opposed to 'tenebrosidad', which is a little more like what you'd call evil darkness...or something. It's hard to explain. 'Tenebrosidad' has a little more of that context than 'tenebres' does in French.

EDIT: I guess I should also explain the pun. Luz is an alternate form of the more common 'Lucita' or 'Lucia', both of which mean 'light.' Maybe that's not quite what you'd call a pun, because it's not meant to be funny, but i t is meant to be significant. (I wrote this story for my exboyfriend, Sergio, confident that the meaning would not be lost on him. I guess it's a little random for general consumption, but...I like it that way. The names mean something to me.)

This post has been edited by karasuman on 19th January 2004 00:34

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Veni, vidi, dormivi.

Okay, that makes sense :-) And thanks for telling me what the title meant. I figured that there was an extra meaning to it, however, if it's not English, French, or obvious, I don't get titles that are in different languages. Nice touch, though :-)

I think maybe you should add something about...hmm. Regretting the love for the darkness? Or a distaste for it? Hmm. Does that help?

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I had an old signature. Now I've changed it.