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Quote (RoyalKnight @ 25th April 2005 09:59)

Hey, it took me several years to finally get "What's black and white and [red] all over? A newspaper." I mean literally, years. One day, I widen my eyes and just say out loud "Oh my gosh, I finally get it! Read all over! Hahahaha!" And to think I got more complicated jokes.

Hehe... I just got it right then. Lol. And yeah I get lots of jokes as well.

It took my brother untill just this past month to realize that the birds (I think they were crows) in the Jungle Book (the "whaddyawanna do today?" ones) were supposed to be the Beatles.

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The island bathes in the sun's bright rays
Distant hills wear a shroud of grey
A lonely breeze whispers in the trees
Sole witness to history

ICO-You were there-

Ok i got one..

There was 3 women stranded on a island, a brunette, a red head, and a blonde.

Off in the distance they saw a town on the mainland.
So they decided to try and swim for it, the brunette get 10% of the way got tired and swam back.

The red head got 25% of the way, got tired and swam back.

The blonde got 50% of the way, got tired and swam back.

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"To be forgotten is worst than death." Freya , FF9

"How do you prove that you exist...? Maybe we dont exist." Vivi, FF9

"How do you tell if a person is a biochemist?"
"If they yell 'FUCOSE!!' when frustrated."

From the Wikipedia Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense:

Quote

==From [[Austin St. John]]==

'''Austin St John''' is an [[United States|American]] actor (as is [[David Yost]]) best known for his role alongside [[David Yost]] in [[Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers]], which starred [[David Yost]].  St. John left the show after 3 [[David Yost]]-filled seasons, before [[David Yost]], and was replaced by Steve Cardenas, not [[David Yost]], although many would have liked to see [[David Yost]] in the role.  Neither St. John nor [[David Yost]] played the role of the red ranger in Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers the Movie, although [[David Yost]] did have a major role.  Austin St. John returned to the Power Rangers several years later, long after the disappearance of [[David Yost]] to reprise his role in the episode "Forever Red".  A similar episode was not made as a vehicle for [[David Yost]] to return. St. John also reprised his role for ''Turbo'', the second Power Rangers movie in which [[David Yost]] did not appear.  Since leaving his Power Rangers days behind him, much like [[David Yost]] also did, he appeared in the 1998 film ''Expose'', which did not feature a performance by [[David Yost]] and flopped at the box office, much like the misunderstood [[David Yost|Yost]] classic, [[David Yost|Ladykiller]].

===Interesting Facts===
*Has shared the screen many times with [[David Yost]]
*Actually practiced martial arts skills shown in [[Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers]], not unlike costar [[David Yost]]

===Vital Statistics===
Number of projects completed with [[David Yost]]: 1 (Power Rangers)

===Photograph===
We couldn't find a picture of Austin St. John, so here for your viewing pleasure is a picture of [[David Yost]]
[[Image: Dyatthuyfuneral1.jpg]]

Quote

== From [[Template:AyB]] ==

<div class="boilerplate metadata" id="attention" style="background-color: #f3f9ff; margin: 0 2.5%; padding: 0 10px; border: 1px solid #aaa;">
<p><strong>[[All your base are belong to us]]! Hahahaha!</strong><br />
You have no chance to survive make your time.
You must edit this page for great justice.
</p>
</div >

Quote

==From [[Canon]]==

=== In Artillery ===

A ca'''n'''on should not be confused with a ca'''nn'''on.  However, [[cannon]]s have sometimes been used to enforce canons; many European wars after the Reformation consisted of just this.

Quote

== From [[Spam (electronic)]] ==
{| class="boilerplate" id="pd" style=" background-color:#9f9f9f; border:2px solid #000000; padding: 0px;" cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0
|BGCOLOR=#000000| [[Image:Cowbell2.gif|50px|What?]]
|<big>'''This [[article]] needs more [[cowbell]].'''</big><br> You can help by [{{SERVER}}{{localurl:{{NAMESPACE}}:{{PAGENAME}}|action=edit}} adding more cowbell.]''
|}

http://web.mit.edu/derrict/Public/excriment.PNG

Or, I'll just do this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bjaodn

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Check the "What games are you playing at the moment?" thread for updates on what I've been playing.

You can find me on the Fediverse! I use Mastodon, where I am @[email protected] ( https://sakurajima.moe/@glennmagusharvey )

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit live in a forest. They hate each other very much. One morning, while arguing near a pond, they see a golden frog. He jumps up and says to them:
"I will give both of you three wishes."
So, excited, Mr. Bear goes first.
"I wish i was the sexiest bear in all the forest!"
"It is done. Mr. Rabbit?" He asks.
"I wish i had the best motorcycle in the world"
"It is done" The motorcycle appears, and the frog looks at Mr. Bear.
"I wish all female bears in the forest are attracted to me."
"It is done" Mr. Bear smirks at Mr. Rabbit.
"I wish i had a crash helmet."
"It is done." The crash helmet appears. "Mr. Bear, what is your final wish?"
"I wish that i have a never ending sex-drive"
"It is done" Mr. Bear looks at Mr. Rabbit and says:
"You've wasted your other wishes, what're you going to wish for now?"
Mr. Rabbit puts on his crash helmet, gets on his motorcycle and zooms off. Over his shoulder he yells:

Possible spoilers: highlight to view

"I wish Mr. Bear was gay!!!!"

this is from a stand-up act,so you might have seen it, but its really funny.

scene 1
comedian #1(1): hey, come up so i can show you my time machine
comedian #2(2)[enters, drinks full bottle of juice, throws twinkie at 1]
1[eats twinkie]:mmm twinkies!
2:is the time machine done?
1:just one more ajustment[touches big metal thing]its done!!!
2:lets go back to the time of george washington!
1:no, lets go back only a little, like 10 seconds
2:okay
1:now i just flip the swich
1 and 2:aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa[flashing lights and stuff]

scene 2
repeat scene 1 faster

scene 3 repeat scene 1 in spanish faster

scene 4
1:COME TIME MACHINE!
2[enters throws juice on face, throws whipped cream at 1]
1:TWINKIE!
2:WORK?!
1:AJUSTMENT![hits big metal thing]DONE!
2:GEORGE WASHINGTON!
1:NOOOO!
2:KAYYYYYYY!
1:FLIPPA DA SWITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1 AND 2:AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

okay so i guess it won't be like when it was on tv, but it might be on some time(can i say it was on comedy central or is that advertising). one of the guys looks like jonny depp

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Ah, FFVI humor derived from the almighty DILBERT.

<boss> Alice, I know that times are tough, but you need to show mkore optimism.
<boss> Try to find the one good thing about any bad situation.
[new scene]
<boss> Our entire sales force has been eaten by wild pigs master pugs.
<Alice> Pigs Pugs are cute!

and more IRC humor, courtesy of Homer (no, not Simpson):

<Laocoon> Don't you accept that gift! I warn you, DON'T!
<@Poseidon> /msg Laocoon shut up

/whois Poseidon
Poseidon is [email protected] (Water Power, Yo)
Poseidon is on *#seas *#oceans +#olympus @#TrojanWar #greekpolitics #trojanpolitics
#greekcamp #cyclopes-talk #greeknavy *#sailing *#inclementweather

<Laocoon> It's a devious plot! Any gift from the Greeks is devious!
<@Poseidon> /msg Laocoon shut the *@#& up plz kthx
<Laocoon> They're so crooked, that thing probably contains Greek soldiers within its belly!
<@Poseidon> /msg Laocoon WHAT PART OF SHUT THE *@#& UP DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND
<Laocoon> And that's not the only way those damn Greeks could screw us over!
<@Poseidon> !summon Levi
*** Levi ([email protected]) has joined #TrojanWar
*** @Poseidon sets mode #TrojanWarn +h Levi
<Laocoon> There might be poison in there
<@Poseidon> Levi, eat Laocoon
<Laocoon> or a plague
<Laocoon> or snakes
Levi sets mode #TrojanWar +b *!*@priesthood.temples.tro
Levi has kicked Laocoon from #TrojanWar (consumed)

This post has been edited by Glenn Magus Harvey on 24th July 2005 17:28

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Check the "What games are you playing at the moment?" thread for updates on what I've been playing.

You can find me on the Fediverse! I use Mastodon, where I am @[email protected] ( https://sakurajima.moe/@glennmagusharvey )

You brought geeky math joke wrath upon yourself :

Quote

How do you prove in three steps that a sheet of paper is a lazy dog?
1. A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane.
2. An inclined plane is a slope up.
3. A slow pup is a lazy dog.

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Cat Theorem:
A cat has nine tails.
Proof:
No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. Therefore, a cat has nine tails.

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Salary Theorem
The less you know, the more you make.
Proof:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
And since Knowledge = Power and Time = Money
It is therefore true that Knowledge = Work / Money .
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of Work done.

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The combination of the Einstein and Pythagoras discoveries:
E= mc²
E= ma²+mb²

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Q: Why do Computer Scientists get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?
A: Because Oct. 31 = Dec. 25.

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Notes on the horse colors problem

Lemma 1. All horses are the same color. (Proof by induction)

Proof. It is obvious that one horse is the same color. Let us assume the proposition P(k) that k horses are the same color and use this to imply that k+1 horses are the same color. Given the set of k+1 horses, we remove one horse; then the remaining k horses are the same color, by hypothesis. We remove another horse and replace the first; the k horses, by hypothesis, are again the same color. We repeat this until by exhaustion the k+1 sets of k horses have been shown to be the same color. It follows that since every horse is the same color as every other horse, P(k) entails P(k+1). But since we have shown P(1) to be true, P is true for all succeeding values of k, that is, all horses are the same color.

Theorem 1. Every horse has an infinite number of legs. (Proof by intimidation.)

Proof. Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs and in front they have fore legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. Therefore horses have an infinite number of legs. Now to show that this is general, suppose that somewhere there is a horse with a finite number of legs. But that is a horse of another color, and by the lemma that does not exist.

Corollary 1. Everything is the same color.

Proof. The proof of lemma 1 does not depend at all on the nature of the object under consideration. The predicate of the antecedent of the universally-quantified conditional 'For all x, if x is a horse, then x is the same color,' namely 'is a horse' may be generalized to 'is anything' without affecting the validity of the proof; hence, 'for all x, if x is anything, x is the same color.'

Corollary 2. Everything is white.

Proof. If a sentential formula in x is logically true, then any particular substitution instance of it is a true sentence. In particular then: 'for all x, if x is an elephant, then x is the same color' is true. Now it is manifestly axiomatic that white elephants exist (for proof by blatant assertion consult Mark Twain 'The Stolen White Elephant'). Therefore all elephants are white. By corollary 1 everything is white.

Theorem 2. Alexander the Great did not exist and he had an infinite number of limbs.

Proof. We prove this theorem in two parts. First we note the obvious fact that historians always tell the truth (for historians always take a stand, and therefore they cannot lie). Hence we have the historically true sentence, 'If Alexander the Great existed, then he rode a black horse Bucephalus.' But we know by corollary 2 everything is white; hence Alexander could not have ridden a black horse. Since the consequent of the conditional is false, in order for the whole statement to be true the antecedent must be false. Hence Alexander the Great did not exist.
We have also the historically true statement that Alexander was warned by an oracle that he would meet death if he crossed a certain river. He had two legs; and 'forewarned is four-armed.' This gives him six limbs, an even number, which is certainly an odd number of limbs for a man. Now the only number which is even and odd is infinity; hence Alexander had an infinite number of limbs. We have thus proved that Alexander the Great did not exist and that he had an infinite number of limbs.

Lastly,

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Girls are evil.

Postulate 1: Girls require time and money.
Postulate 2: Time is money.
Postulate 3: Money is the root of all evil.

Therefore, Girl = Money * Time, and Money = sqrt(Evil)
Therefore, by substituation: Girl = Money²
Therefore, Girl = (sqrt(Evil))²
Therefore, Gir l= Evil.

I didn't make those up, but they're still amazing. Sorry for the long post.

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Is PJ

Here's a good riddle: how come that a Moogle can use the command sketch?

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I look kinda like Vince so ill pick him as my avatar. :)

Why are pirates called pirates??













They just arrrrrrrrrr

hahaha this one cracked me up

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Locke: Moogles...! Are you saying you want to help me?

Quote (Caesar @ 24th July 2005 12:46)

Q: Why do Computer Scientists get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?
A: Because Oct. 31 = Dec. 25.

I love this joke. Particularly because even less people get that than the classic "There are 10 types of people in the world: those who know binary and those who don't."

Here's where I first heard that joke.

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"Judge not a man by his thoughts and words, but by
the quality and quantity of liquor in his possession
and the likelyhood of him sharing."

you've probably heard this one, but just incase:
how do you get 100 babies into a garbage can?

Possible spoilers: highlight to view

blender

how do you get them out?

Possible spoilers: highlight to view

tortia chips

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Here's a joke.

There's a dad, a mom, and a son. It's sexual but it's not perverted or anything. I put it in a spoiler just incase if you get offended sexually very easily.. Please don't get mad at me, admins. This is just funny

Possible spoilers: highlight to view

SON: Dad, can I take a shower with you?
DAD: Sure, son, just don't look down.
SON: Dad, what's that?
DAD: My limo.

SON: Mom! Can I take a shower with you?
MOM: Sure! Just don't look up or down.
SON: Mom, what's that?
MOM: It's my Garage.

SON: Mom, Dad, can I sleep with you?
DAD: Sure, son, just don't look under the sheets!!
*He looks under*
SON: Mom! Dad's parking his limo inside your garage!

This post has been edited by NeoEx-Death on 6th August 2005 19:33

Well, I'll try one, I think that short jokes are the best!


Well, here I go:

Son:Daddy, Daddy ( the child ask his father), have you married by Catholic faith, or by civil law??

Dad: No, by stupid.





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"Its no cheating if you don't get caught"

I'm with the short jokes.

There are two cats sitting on a slanted roof. One is black, and mewing very loudly, and the other is tabby, and mewing less loudly. A strong breeze begins to blow, and one of them begins to slide off. Which cat manages to stay on?

Possible spoilers: highlight to view

The one with the bigger mew. (Mu. Get it? And, yes, I realize that there's a difference between Muk and Mus. It's a joke. Pfft.)

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Veni, vidi, dormivi.

what has two legs and bleeds?

Possible spoilers: highlight to view

half a cat!

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a man comes to a ladder that seems to stretch upwards forever. at the base an old man says "This, sir, is the ladder to success." so, the man climbs the ladder. about an hour into climbing he contemplates quiting. but no, he must continue. after what seemed to be an eternity of climbing, he reached the top. in front of him was a man sitting in a throne. "Who are you?' asked the man. the man on the throne replied "I'm Sess."

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moé in the streets, senpai in the sheets

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Possible spoilers: highlight to view

Fo' drizzle

Nyuck nyuck nyuck, cracked me up for some reason.

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Console RPG Cliches

How many PMSed women does it take to change a lightbuilb?

Possible spoilers: highlight to view

One. And do you know why it's only one?

Because no one else around here ever does a damn thing, that's why! Oh, yes, we'd all sit around in darkness for the rest of time if I didn't fix the lightbulb, bumping into things and knocking them over and leaving more of a mess for me to clean up. And if, by some miracle, someone actually got up off their butt to change the damn lightbulb, they'd leave the chair under the light, the package to the new one on the counter, and the old one on the table right next to it so someone could knock it over and break it, and then I'd have a pile of glass to clean up. I'd be lucky to get to it before one of you stepped in it and severed a toe, since none of you can ever look where you're going. Then I'd have to drop what I'm doing and run you to the emergency room, sit there for a few hours while you read magazines and whined because your own stupidity had gotten you hurt, and spend my hard-earned money getting you patched up just so I could go home and put dinner on the table--assuming that there were any clean dishes to cook dinner with, which there wouldn't be, because you wouldn't know the dishrag if it bit you! You'd all sit around in filth before it would occur to you to wash a single dish! And if I did, by some miracle, convince you to turn off your television for five minutes to clean up after yourselves, you'd just drop one, and then I'd have to sweep the floor again and we'd be out a dish. And it's because you're too damn careless, that's why! You don't look where you're going, you don't pay attention to what you're doing, and you haven't even noticed that that light bulb is burnt out!

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Veni, vidi, dormivi.

Dare I start the your mother is so- (generic insult here) jokes? Well here goes.

Your mother is so stupid she sold her car for gas money.

Your mother is so stupid she threw a ball at the ground and missed.

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Life is not a practice, always play to win.
I buried Ponce.

Or we can always have the "oh! Oh! OH!" humor effect from the audience, and simply say "Your mother is so stupid, she gave birth to you!"

Other than that, I've discovered that I am a true biochem nerd. How? I momentarily misinterpreted "p." and "pp." (which actually mean "page" and "pages") as "phosphate" and "pyrophosphate".

And I decided to mix biochemistry and politics, by parodying the "beta-endorphin" enzyme.

Consisting of two polypeptide parts, the first is synthesized in the eyes (upon sight of "senatorial" or "presidential" candidates), and the second in the brain (upon processing of a good speech from the candidate), beta-endorsin is released, which drives the mouth to say "I endorse [insert candidate name here]!"

Yes, I know, it's EXCEEDINGLY lame. (Is it ExLame? ........lolpft.)

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Check the "What games are you playing at the moment?" thread for updates on what I've been playing.

You can find me on the Fediverse! I use Mastodon, where I am @[email protected] ( https://sakurajima.moe/@glennmagusharvey )

Quote

a man comes to a ladder that seems to stretch upwards forever. at the base an old man says "This, sir, is the ladder to success." so, the man climbs the ladder. about an hour into climbing he contemplates quiting. but no, he must continue. after what seemed to be an eternity of climbing, he reached the top. in front of him was a man sitting in a throne. "Who are you?' asked the man. the man on the throne replied "I'm Sess."

uhhh... i don't get it. can you explain because im stupid?

whats the difference between a cat hit by a car, and a lawyer hit by a car.

the cat has skidmarks next to it





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Quote (kuetipo @ 2nd September 2005 07:56)

uhhh... i don't get it. can you explain because im stupid?

The ladder to what? Sound it out.

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I know I've been Final Fantasy XII too long - just the other day I referred to a region with no cell service as a Jagd!

the Ladder to Success. so the guy's name is Sess. you figure it out.

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moé in the streets, senpai in the sheets

Q: Whats do you call something that has 4 wheels and flies
A: A garbage truck /lamed

Q: What do you call somebody who has taken too many drugs
A. Barry Bonds /lamed

Q: What do you call Michael Jackson when he's engaged
A. Statuatory rape /lamed

lol

This post has been edited by Howie509 on 3rd September 2005 03:44

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::Yawn + 15.3236::
There are things that must happen, because otherwise, it would defeat the purpose of its name, for it must happen.

one of the best jokes:

werner heisenberg is speeding down the highway trying to get to the latest conference on quantum chromodynamics. he passes a concealed policeman on a bike, who clocks him at 40 over and pormptly pulls him over.

"sir," the policeman asks him, "do you have any idea how fast you were going?"

"no," heisenberg replies, "but i know exactly where i am!"

edit: oh, i have a great other joke i heard in israel this summer.

so an evangelical pastor, a catholic priest and a rabbi are all discussing how they decide how much money to give to God.

the pastor explains: "what i do is draw a circle on the ground and stand right in the middle of it. i throw the money up, and whatever lands outside the circle goes to God, and whatever lands inside the circle goes to me.

"well, that's close to how i do it," says the priest. "i draw my circle and stand in the middle of it, but when i throw the money up, whatever stays inside the circle goes to God, and whatever lands outside goes to me.

"hmm," says the rabbi. "you guys are both close to how i do. i draw a circle in the ground, stand right in the middle of it, and throw my money up. whatever stays up there goes to God."

before you cry foul, recall that i'm exempt on ancestry.

This post has been edited by gozaru~ on 3rd September 2005 05:40

Quote

the Ladder to Success. so the guy's name is Sess. you figure it out.

sorry, i don't get it. whats the "suc" for?

oh wait....
eww.

This post has been edited by kuetipo on 3rd September 2005 22:46

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A work joke:

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and he soon realises he's lost. He reduces height and sees a man down below. He decends further and shouts "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below replies "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon hovering 10 metres off the ground."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am," the man replies. "How did you know?"

"Well," the balloonist said, "everything you told me is totally accurate, but it's useless."

The man below replies, "You must be in management."

"I am," the balloonist replies, "but how did you know?"

(Punchline in spoilers)

Possible spoilers: highlight to view

"Well," the man says, "you don't know where you are, what you're doing, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

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I'm a general, not some opera floozy!

*insert humourous observation here*

This happened to me just recently.

My NSL Government teacher was about to end his lecture, when he said, “Tell you what. Since I’m a big RedSkins fan, whenever they win a game, I won’t give you homework.”

A guy responded, “But then we’ll always have homework!”

************

A priest, a rabbi, and a monk were going for a boat ride one day. All entered a boat that wasn’t tethered to the pier, and they soon drifted away into the lake. Suddenly, the priest said, “Oh yeah. I forgot my soda. I’m going to get it, okay?”

And with that, the priest walked over the lake to the pier to get his soda. Moments later, the rabbi realized that they were drifting. He said to the monk, “I’m going to get the oar for the boat.”

Again, the rabbi walked over the water to the pier for the oar. Angered by this, the monk screamed, “My god is just as good as yours! Nay, even better.”

He took a step out of the boat, and fell into the water. The rabbi faced the priest and said,

Possible spoilers: highlight to view

Think we should’ve told him about the rocks?

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And don't drive your car off a cliff like I did. Girl, no man is worth 10 points on your license.

Well, I have a couple...If they're offensive just tell me...

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Im schizophrenic
And so am I.

*Crickets*

Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first blonde said "These look like deer tracks," and the other one said, "No they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.

Ahem.

Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender:"What is a B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"





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eh?

LOL!! I almost fell outta my chair.



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