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Quote (BGrugby @ 23rd April 2005 20:38)

Its THE Ohio State University, if your going to rip them get it right.

I'm aware, but only OSU students and maybe other Ohioans ever call it that. I'm but a jaded ACC dude whose never been to Ohio, so I won't honor the place with its full title.

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this is a blog mostly about comics and videogames
END SPOILER

A Marin and a Navyman are in a restroom using urinals.The Navyman heads to the sink and the Marine heads to the door, the Navyman says " Hey in the Navy
they teach us to wash our hands".The Marine turns around and says "Yeah?
In the Marines they teach us not to piss on our hands"

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"My words be like surgery, makin' Faces lift." - Proof

Okay, I got another one...
A blonde needs some money to go to college. She goes to this guy's house and knocks on door. She asks him if he needs any errands to be done. He tells her he'll give her $50 to paint the porch around the house with some whitewash. A half-hour later she knocks on the door and tells him she's done. He's surprised she finished early. He walks outside and see's the porch isn't painted.

Possible spoilers: highlight to view

She says, "Oh, by the way, that's a Jaguar, not a Porshe," and he sees that his Jaguar has been entirely painted white...

This post has been edited by Blizzard_Wizard8 on 30th April 2005 13:44

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Yunalesca: "Hope is...comforting. It allows us to accept fate, however tragic it might be. "

Yunalesca: "Poor creature. You would throw away hope. Well... I will free you before you can drown in your sorrow. It is better for you to die in hope than to live in despair. Let me be your liberator. "

Light Bulb jokes:

How many perverts does it take to screw in a light bulb?

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None. They're too small to fit in the bulb.

How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

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None. It's a hardware problem.

How many light bulbs can an octopus screw in at the same time?

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Just one. Have you any idea how hard it is to hold a lightbulb with those slippery tentacles?

How many RPG players does it take to screw in a light bulb?

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It depends on the dice rolls, mostly

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"I fell off the mountain of words at around the 10,000ft mark. Tell my family...they owe me money." -Narratorway

"If you retort against this, so help me God I'll shove any part of your anatomy I can find into some other part. Figuratively, of course." - Josh

"We have more, can deliver tuesday." - Del S

Good old CoN

how many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

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two. one to screw it in and one to write a folk song about it.

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moé in the streets, senpai in the sheets

I'm assuming blonde jokes aren't too offensive :

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead had just escaped from prison and ran down an alley to hide from the cops. There they found three potato sacks and each jumped into one. One of the officers, following their trail, confronted the three sacks and opted to hit each one with his night stick to see if the convicts where inside.

Upon hitting the first sack, the redhead inside said "Woof!"

Thinking it was only a dog, the officer moved on to the second sack.

This time, the brunette inside let out a "Meow!" when hit.

Only a cat, he thought, and moved to the final potato sack where the blonde was hiding.

When hit, the blonde shouted "Potatoes!"

---

An elderly couple was having trouble remembering things, so they started writing down whatever they had to do.

One night when they were watching TV, the man got up from his chair. "Where you going?", his wife asked. "To the kitchen", he replied. "Oh, would you get me a bowl of ice cream while you're in there?" The woman asked. "Sure", he said. "With whipped cream", she added, "You better write that down." "I don't need to write it down, I can remember", snapped her husband. "I want strawberries, too", she said. "I know you won't remember that." "Yes, I will!", her husband said angrily, "You want ice cream with whipped cream and strawberries. Got it."

Nearly half an hour passed before he returned, sitting a plate of bacon and eggs in front of his wife. She stared down at the plate, confused, and said "Where's my toast?!"

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My Jewish stepdad always used to tell this joke during Passover, and since it's that time of year, I was reminded of it:

The queen of England decided to boost morale by paying a personal visit to her knights. They all lined up in a row to greet her; their armor polished and sparkling, their lances perfectly straight, all looking just perfect - except one knight. His armor was rusted and dirty, his lance was broken, and he looked awful overall. Puzzeled, the queen turned to her advisor and said "Ma nishtahnah ha lailah ha zeh?"

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Meaning "Why is this (k)night different from all the other (k)nights?", one of four questions asked during Passover seders.

See? It's PUNNY!! HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR!!

Oh, so corny...

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What's red and fuzzy?

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Red fuzz.

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Words of Wisdom:

If something can go wrong, it will.

If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. - Murphy’s Law

Boing! Zoom! - Mr. Saturn

Quote (SilverFork @ 24th April 2005 14:54)

What's red and fuzzy?

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Red fuzz.

You just made me laugh harder with five seconds than Fox did all night. And I'm drunk; I usually think cartoons are funny when I'm drunk.

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M777: lightweight 155mm howitzer
3/11 rules over all artillery!

Hey, it took me several years to finally get "What's black and white and [red] all over? A newspaper." I mean literally, years. One day, I widen my eyes and just say out loud "Oh my gosh, I finally get it! Read all over! Hahahaha!" And to think I got more complicated jokes.

Here's my contribution:

A policeman pulls over a guy in a Mercedes-Benz on the freeway for speeding. The guy seems incredibly pissed off and opens the door to get out of the car. Suddenly, a passing SUV zooms by, swiping off both the car door and the man's arm. The man goes into shock and starts screaming at profanities at the top of his lungs. The police officer rushes over to the man and says, "Oh my God, are you okay?! We need to get you to the hospital!" The man glares back at the officer and says, "Hell no I'm not okay! That guy just took the door off my Mercedes! What the hell...!" and so on and so on. The officer is dumbfounded as to how this guy could be saying this. "What are you talking about, you materialistic freak! You're caring about your car when you should be worring about your arm!" Surprised, the guy looks at his left arms and finally notices it's not there. Then he goes into shock and screams again. "OH MY GOD! That S.O.B. took my Rolex!"

Edit: Woot, after nearly three years at CoN, I FINALLY hit 200 posts. That's a joke right there, if I ever saw one.

This post has been edited by RoyalKnight on 25th April 2005 15:00

My sister works at an elementary school, and she told me this one....

A teacher was reading the story of the three little pigs to the class. While she read, she asked the kids questions to keep them invovled in what was going on. The teacher asked one little boy "Now, what do you think the wolf said when pig shouted 'Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin'?"

Kid: "Holy (crap) a talking pig!"

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kame, tortue, tortuga, schildkröte, tartaruga, turtle

"Arthur Dent?"
"Yes."
"Arthur Philip Dent?"
"Yes."
"You're a total knee biter."

Being a nerd myself, I'm going to put one of my most nerdy (and least 'quick') nerd jokes.

After reading a few more newspaper articles about Scott Peterson, I decided that it would be necessary to find the absorbence of several major newspapers at a wavelength of 420 nanometers.

Explanation follows for those who don't get it. In all honesty, it's so abstruse that I wouldn't expect anyone to get it immediately. (That's how some of my jokes turn out.) Although I think you'll enjoy it more if you try to think about it for a moment before you check the answer below.

Possible spoilers: highlight to view

Back around the turn of the 20th century (I hope I have my history right), the term 'yellow journalism' arose to describe sensationalism in media--that is, media like newspapers running stories selectively just to sell better. (The term itself came from a comic strip called 'The Yellow Kid' which ran at that time.) Here, I'm simply taking a back-door swipe at the press coverage of Scott Peterson's murder trial, which I cared absolutely nothing about and didn't want to hear about again.

The next part of the joke requires you to know what the wavelength of 420 nanometers represents. When a sample of the lactose analog (i.e. similar to lactose) "ortho-nitrophenyl-beta-D-galactoside", otherwise known as ONPG, is cleaved by the enzyme "beta-galactosidase", the product (known as ONP) is yellow, and has distinct absorbence of light with the wavelength of 420 nanometers when in a basic solution. (For those of you who don't know, this is from my biology lab class; lactose is a sugar, and beta-galactosidase is an enzyme that breaks down lactose, as well as certain similar molecules like ONPG.) Hence, to find out just how 'yellow' the media would be, the joke states that I would measure it's 'yellowness' the same way I would measure the yellowness of a solution of ONP.

And now I await the audience's "Auuuuooohhhh....." sounds, after about half a minute of dead silence. Except for the splatter of rotten tomatoes on stage. Those sure make noise, you know.

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Check the "What games are you playing at the moment?" thread for updates on what I've been playing.

You can find me on the Fediverse! I use Mastodon, where I am @[email protected] ( https://sakurajima.moe/@glennmagusharvey )

Here's a tip: it's not funny if you have to explain it.

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M777: lightweight 155mm howitzer
3/11 rules over all artillery!

What did one missile say to the other?

Possible spoilers: highlight to view

YOU'RE FIRED!

...I'm notorious for bad jokes...

This post has been edited by Zephir on 26th April 2005 05:54

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~Status Report~

* Completed... Dragon's Head
* Completed... Soldiers of the Empire: Disciples (release pending)
* In Progress/Undecided... Of Love and Betrayal
* Planning/Assembly... Where it all Began

Alright, this one is a bit crude, but I have the hardest time telling it without cracking up.


There are three guys in a plane that crash land on an island. They all survive without any scratches, and as they are getting out of the plane, Cannibals come out of the jungle and grab them, and drag them back to their village.

In their village, the Chief comes out and begins to talk to them. He tells them that if they can pass two tests, that they will live. If not, they will be eaten.

The chief tells them their first test is to go out and find 10 of one kind of fruit, and bring it back to the village.


The first man comes back with apples.

The chief tells him the second test, is he must put all 10 pieces of fruit up is butt, with a compleate straight face. On the 3rd apple, the man winces, and is dragged away to be cooked.

The second man comes back with berries. After the 9th berry, the man begins to crack up. The chief looks shocked, and asks the man why, when he was so close, did he crack up. The man points into the distance, where the 3rd man is comming back with 10 pinapples.





Oh, another one on cannibals.



A man is flying a plane filled with Pepsi over the ocean, when it crash lands on a cannibal island.

Later, a group with a Pepsi representative comes out to the island, trying to get the man and bring him back to his family. They go to the village, and talk to the Chief.

Rep: "I'm here to get the man and bring him home."

Chief: "Sorry, you're to late. We ate him with Pepsi"

Rep: "Every part of him? Isn't there atleast something left over? Remains we can take back? What about his Bones?"

Chief: "No, we ate his bones with Pepsi."

Rep: "His bones! You ate the bones?!?! Well... What about his ears?"

Chief: "No, we ate his ears with Pepsi."

Rep: "You ate his ears too! Well... what about his nose?"

Chief: "No, we ate his nose with Pepsi."

The Rep sits and thinks a momment. He looks at the Chief, and says, "Well... Did you eat his.... um... Thing?"

The Chief says, "Oh no! We didn't eat his Thing. Things go better with Coke."

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"And that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped” -Sir Bedevere the Wise

People who work the streets play basketball
Hard working lower class play bowling
Middle class workers play Football
Middle class managment play baseball
High class maggament play Tennis
CEO's play golf

There you have it the higher you are the smaller your balls are

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procastinate now, dont put it off

Three RAF pilots are shot down over Germany in World War 2, and the Germans order them shot. They're lined against a wall, and the German commander says if the first man wishes a blindfold. he refusues, and as the german firing squad lines up, he screams "MUSTANG!", and, as the germans turn, leaps over the wall.
The second man also refuses, and this time screams "TANK!" before also going over the wall.The third man is now worried. He refuses the blindfold, but cannot thing of something to distract the germans. He then gets his idea..
"FIRE!"

Q: What happens if you fall in a machine making plaid tartan skirt-like garments?
A: You'll be kilt.

A group of allied soldiers are doing some Recon during the second persian gulf war. To thier horror, they spy an entire Iraqi armoured division heading straight for a American convoy a kilometere from thier position. Unfortunatley, the radio is being jammed!
The French sergeant of the group, a marathon runner, sprints across the desert to the American position. He gets there in under four minutes, despite carrying all his equipment, and is naturally exhausted. The commander of the convoy hands the gasping French sergeant a canteen of water, and asks what all the commotion is.
"TANKS!"
"You're welcome," responds the commander "But why were you in such a rush?"

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my great uncle... not screaming and yelling like his passengers.

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"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

Your so stupid you sold your car for gas money.

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Life is not a practice, always play to win.
I buried Ponce.

What do you call a Yankee fan buried up to his neck in sand?

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not enough sand!

A Yankees fan and a Padres fan jump off a bridge. Who hits first?

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Who cares?!?!?!

A Yankees fan, a Mets fan, and a Red Sox fan are all serving as soldiers in the Middle East. They go out to a small Saudi village near the base for some partying, get drunk, and hurt a Kuwaiti woman. They go before the village elder for punishment. The village elder tells them:
"You all will recieve twenty lashes in the square. But to show you we are not barbarians, we will grant you each a single request before."
The Yankees fan thinks, then asks that a pillow be strapped to his back. It only lasts five lashes, and he goes back crying from the 15. The Mets fan gets a thick door strapped to his back, but it splinters after 10 and he goes back crying from the 10.
The village elder says to the Boston fan: "since you are so devoted to your team, we will give you two requests."
The Red Sox fan thinks about it, then asks for double lashes. His two accomplices, waiting for him, call him crazy. Then he makes his second request: the Yankee fan strapped to his back.

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M777: lightweight 155mm howitzer
3/11 rules over all artillery!

I was watching the Gilmore Girls...

...shaddup. You watch reality shows.

Anyway, there was a small bit of dialogue so funny I had to post it.

Phone conversation between the mom with a desperate need for doors at her new hotel and the guy that can give 'em to her.

Guy: Doors are coming up, should be there before the guests.

Mom: Oh (forget his name) I'm loving you like a two dollar whore!

Guy: Thanks. I'll go tell the wife.


And while I'm at it...FAMILY GUY!

Peter: Ah it's great living without women. I'm gonna microwave a bagel and have sex with it.

Quagmire: Butter's in the fridge.

This post has been edited by Narratorway on 29th April 2005 18:40

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Arts

Farts

Twarts

A blonde girl walks into a bar and sits next to a guy watching the 6:00 PM news. There's a breaking news story on the TV and a guy is close to jumping off a bridge. The guy and the girl make a bet that if the guy jumps off the bridge, he'll get $100 and if the guy doesn't jump off, the girl gets $100. So, the guy jumps off. She pays him and the guy says, "I knew he was gonna jump off, I saw this on the 4:00 news,".

Possible spoilers: highlight to view

Then, the girl says, "Oh, yeah, me, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again..."

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Yunalesca: "Hope is...comforting. It allows us to accept fate, however tragic it might be. "

Yunalesca: "Poor creature. You would throw away hope. Well... I will free you before you can drown in your sorrow. It is better for you to die in hope than to live in despair. Let me be your liberator. "

This isn't really a joke, more of something that happened...

Aunt: Now, kids, don't get into that dog food. It has ants in it.
Aunt leaves, and comes back. Wouldn't you know, my brother's sitting there playing in the dog food.
Aunt: Mark! What did I tell you about playing in the dog food?
Mark: You said not to play in it, because it had ants in it.
Aunt: So why are you playing in it when I said not to?
Mark: I didn't hear you!

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You're telling me that there's no hope.

I'm telling you you're wrong.

Here are some of my Drill instructor impressions. There is some swearing, so virgin ears should not listen to th sound clips.
allergy.wav
suicide counseling.wav
tree.wav


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M777: lightweight 155mm howitzer
3/11 rules over all artillery!

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Possible spoilers: highlight to view

2. 1 to do the screwing and the other 1 to listen to him brag about it.

OR

Possible spoilers: highlight to view

1. God forbids two men to screw together in the dark

that was the best thing I could think of..

Q:Why did the bacteria all leave the party?
A:There wasn't a fungi there.

I might have said that kinda wrong but you get the pun.

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I love the SNES Final Fantasy games.


I think PS2s are over-rated. and priced.

Agent Muffin signing out...

I'm sure y'all had heard this one before, but it was my favorite joke back in fourth grade or so.

A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Mexican (not a Mexican't), and a Texan are the only passengers on a plane going over the ocean. The pilot comes to the cabin and says "sorry everyone, but the plane's going to crash in fifteen minutes. There's only two parachutes, so seeya!" The pilot grabs one of the parachutes and bails, leaving the four men to fight for the last one. The Frenchman steps up and says "I'm old, I've led a fulfilling life, I don't mind dying to give one of you a chance to live." So the Frenchman jumps out of the plane and yells "Vive la France!" on his way out. Then the Englishman steps up and says "I'm old, I've led an good life, one of you two blokes can have the last parachute." He then jumps off and yells "God save the Queen!" on his way out. The Texan watches the first two men jump off, steps up, shoves the Mexican off and as he watches the other man fall to his doom, he takes the last chute and says "remember the Alamo."

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this is a blog mostly about comics and videogames
END SPOILER

Yet another nerd joke, since this topic went from being 'your best joke' (singular) to 'jokes' (plural):

CTF = Capture the Flag
UCTF = Underground Capture the Flag (a variant of CTF played within the academic buildings of MIT; 'underground' is a misnomer unless you're in the basement, but that's what people call it)
pUCTF = ???

pUCTF = plasmid that allows E. coli bacteria to play Capture the Flag in human intestines.

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Check the "What games are you playing at the moment?" thread for updates on what I've been playing.

You can find me on the Fediverse! I use Mastodon, where I am @[email protected] ( https://sakurajima.moe/@glennmagusharvey )

Here's my high school gov teacher's favorite joke (and he's a "fiscal conservative", so back off GOPers). Keep in mind that this was told when John Ashcroft was still around and Saddam Hussein wasn't captured, so replace the names and events with whomever you wish.

John Ashcroft is in a first grade class answering kids' questions for publicity. Little Jimmy raises his hand and Ashcroft calls on him. "Mr. Ashcroft, I have three questions. Why haven't we caught Osama Bin Laden yet? Why haven't we caught Saddam Hussein yet? And isn't the Patriot Act in violation of our natural constitutional rights?" Before Ashcroft can answer, the recess bell rings and everyone exits the room. After the kids return from recess and they start the questions again, little Sally raises her hand and Ashcroft calls on her. "Mr. Ashcroft, I have five questions. Why haven't we caught Osama Bin Laden yet? Why haven't we caught Saddam Hussein yet? Isn't the Patriot Act in violation of our natural constitutional rights? Why did recess start twenty minutes early today? And where's Jimmy?"


And on an entirely different note:

Q: What does Michael Jackson like about twenty seven year olds?

A: There's twenty of them.

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this is a blog mostly about comics and videogames
END SPOILER

Cannibal Island Jokes!

An French man, a British man, and an Irish man are washed up on a cannibalistic island. The chief immediately tells them he is going to eat them. He does however inform them that all parts of their bodies will be used afterwards. Their bones will be used for tools, their skulls for bowls, and their skin will be stretched out over the hulls of their boats. He asks them then how they would like to die.

The British man hands them his sword and asks for a beheading.
Before the Sword cuts his head off he says- "LONG LIVE THE QUEEN!"

The french man takes out his gun and says he will shoot himself-
So he puts the revolver to his head and says-
VIVA LE FRANCE! And shoots himself.

The Irish guy asks the cannibals for a fork. Puzzled they hand him a fork and he immediately begins to stab himself all over. As he does this he shouts- TO HELL WITH YOUR BOATS!

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If you've been mod-o-fied,
It's an illusion, and you're in-between.
Don't you be tarot-fied,
It's just alot of nothing, so what can it mean?
~Frank Zappa

Sins exist only for people who are on the Way or approaching the Way

You know, with all this talk of nerd jokes and whatnot a very creepy coincidence just happened. At the end of my Linear Algebra exam review session a few minutes ago our professor told us some "multivar jokes" to end on a good note. I'll spoiler it so you don't have suffer any more nerd jokes if you hate them.

Possible spoilers: highlight to view

Q: What do you get when you cross a kangaroo and a banana?

A: Kangaroo banana sine theta!

Q: What do you get when you cross a kangaroo and a mountain climber?

A: You can't because one of them's a scalar!

Q: What do you have when a stupid Polish person in an F-15?

A: A simple Pole in a complex plane!

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this is a blog mostly about comics and videogames
END SPOILER

I was told this one just last night:

Three blondes are stranded on a beach, wanting to cross the ocean to get to the town directly across. They see a magic lamp, all three rub it and a genie pops out.

Genie: I will each of you one wish each
1st blonde: I wish I was twice as smart as I am now.
She turns into a redhead and swims across the ocean.

2nd blonde: I wish I twice as smart as that last girl.
She turns into a brunette and builds a canoe with oars, and rows across the ocean.

3rd blonde: I wish I was twice as smart as both of them combined.
She turns into a man and walks along the strip of land right around the corner that leads to the town.

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"Thought I was dead, eh? Not until I fulfill my dream!"
Seifer Almasy


"The most important part of the story is the ending."
Secret Window


"Peace is but a shadow of death."
Kuja

I found this particularly amusing so put it in the jokes section...
Here are ways of how to annoy people, they can be particulalry funny in the right circumstances, I'm sure many of you may find this amusing. Here's a few good one's you should learn off me.
Try them THEY WORK!

Announce when you're going to the bathroom.

Answer every question with another question.

Any time a member of the opposite sex tries to talk to you, hold your
hand up to prevent them from saying anything and say, "Look, I know what you're going to ask me... For the last time, no, I will NOT go out with you."

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

As people talk, smell their shoulders.

Ask call centre operators for dates.

Ask people to prove everything they say. (e.g. "I'm Bob, nice to meet you..." "PROVE IT!")

Ask people what gender they are.

Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

Ask to "interface" with someone.

At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

Bark like a dog whenever anyone says the word "the."

Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons.

Begin all your sentences with "Ohh la la!"

Buy goldfish and ask the assistant if they come with chips.

Call every girl you know "dude".

Call everyone a communist.

Change Channels five minutes before the end of every show.

Chew on pens/pncils that you've borrowed.

Close your eyes and start snoring whenever anyone tries to talk to you.

Consistently refer to everyone as 'mortal.'

Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

Dance fast to slow music and vice-versa.

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Disagree strongly with everything anybody says.

Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

Drum on every available surface.

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

Every time someone talks to you, ask "Is that a threat?"

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

Finish each sentence with "Monkey See, Monkey Do".

Go up the down escalator.

Go up to a someone and say, "Are you annoyed by irrelevant questions?" And then walk away very quickly.

Honk and wave to strangers.

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

Learn "Ice Ice Baby" by heart and recite it endlessly.
Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

Look at your hand in amazement and say, "Whoa, I never knew I had this!"

Loudly recite people's most embarrassing secrets in restaurants.

Make appointments for the 31st of September.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Name your dog "Dog."

Never break eye contact.

Never make eye contact.

Occasionally bark in a high-pitched voice.

On the public bus, keep asking the driver nervously, "are we there yet?"

Pay for your dinner with pennies.

Practice the art of limp handshakes

Publicly accuse randoms of having "glue sniffing addictions".

Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

Repeat everything someone says as a question.

Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

Set alarms for random times.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

Take photos of people walking down the street and then run away.

Tell people their accent isn't fooling anyone.

Tell small children that they don't look very promising.

Tell teenagers how things were in your day.

Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

Walk up to random people and ask them, very seriously, "Do you know the muffin man?"

Walk up to random strangers insisting you are family.

When talking to someone, look at a spot about two inches to their right.

Good luck!

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'Let that be a lesson to all oppressive vegetable sellers.'

this one is a little bit lame, but it gets funnier every time i hear/tell it - its better if you say it aloud, as well

why do pirates say arr?
because ffff isnt scary.

Things To Do At Wal-Mart, Because You Can

1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples' carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I think we have a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

5. Put some M&M's on lay away.

6. Move CAUTION WET FLOOR signs to carpet areas.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department, tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people leave me alone."

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

10. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible.'

11. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through whisper "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

15. Go to the fitting room and yell real loud....."Hey we're out of toilet paper in here!"

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