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THis one might have been used but I dont want to check. ITs reallly funny but its only really funny when you say it becuse you need a good scottish accent. Just read it to yourself with a scottish accent.

Now there be this man Mcgregor and he build one fine bridge took him ten years to make. Hand made. He lay every brick with his own two hands. BUt did they call him Mcgregor the bridge builder nooooooo!
He make two fine houses took him 14 years to make. Built them with his own hands to. As good as the kings houses. But did they call him Mcgregor the house builder noooooo!
THen he build one fine church spent 20 years on it. Every cross in it hand made by him. Michlangelo *makes a harumphing noise* yeah right he pain himself. But did they call him Mcgregor the church builder nooo! But I have sex with one goat and they call me Mcgregor the goat *naughty word I got in trouble for saying once but it starts with an f and ends with a k and theres a c and a u to for the less intelligent people*

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aint superstitious Black cat crossed my trail
I aint superstitious But a Black cat crossed my trail
But Lord has got me so far and I wont let her stop me now
The dogs begin to bark all over my neighborhood
And that aint all
The dogs begin to bark all over my neighborhood
UMmHMm
This is a mean old world to live in and I cant face it by myself

Dis as a really good set o jokes I got from my friends. It may be slightly explicit for sensitive people but it's OK overall. Enjoy!

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer

Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do

Good: You're son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's you're best friend

Good: You're wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

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Student of CCS, Grandmaster of Alternative Literature and Musical Passionista at your service!!!

here are some kokes:
40 Things Never Said By Southerners


40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.


Q: What do you call 32 Rednecks in one room?
A: A full set of teeth.


Bad reception

A blonde went to eletronic store and she asked, "How is much is this TV?"
The salesman said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."

The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."

The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don''t sell to blondes."

She replied, " I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?"
"Because that is not a TV, it''s a microwave."




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"Have you ever seen a baby do that before?"

Cloud, those were awesome. I particularly enjoyed #20 and #9.

I have some similar jokes, I suppose they could be offensive to Georgians, but...I'm from Georgia. Take them in stride.

Why wasn't baby Jesus born in Georgia?

Possible spoilers: highlight to view

Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

How can you know the toothbrush was invented in Georgia?

Possible spoilers: highlight to view

If it were invented anywhere else, it would be called a teethbrush.

If a man and a woman are married in Georgia, and they move to Alabama and get divorced, are they still legally brother and sister?

This post has been edited by io_rage on 24th March 2004 04:35

What Transformer always has a rosy outlook on life?

Optimist Prime

What do you call a bomb in a book of sums?

A weapon of maths destruction

How do you spot a tourist in Scotland?

He or she will have one thing the locals dont have: Hope...

This post has been edited by Del S on 24th March 2004 22:01

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"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

Everybody be hatin on Georgia...oh well here goes.

So this Irish man get of a plan and he looks really sad so one of the receptionists asks him "Whats wrong sir?" and the man replies "I lost me luggage" and now the receptionist feels bad for the man so she decides to help him find his luggage. "Sir what happend to it?" She asks him and the man replies "The cork fell out."

This Irish preist is driving down the road and he gets a little to high over the speed limet for this officers comfort so the officer pulls him over. Then the officer asks him "Have you been drinking anything father?" and the preist replies "Nothing officer, just watter." Now the officer smelled alchohol on the preist's breath and sees an empty wine bottel so he asks the preist "Then why does your breth smell like alchohol and why is that empty wine bottle right next to you?" The preist looks at the wine bottel, turns to the officer and says "The good Lord has done it again!"

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There is a time and a place for everything, and I am niether

I dunno whether you heard this one or not but:

Two statues are 120 years old. They've been staring at each other all this time. So one day an angel comes down and brings them to life. He says, "Right, you two. You've been staring at each other for 120 years and so I'm going to give you ten minutes to get it over and done with, okay?"

The two statues blush, but run off into the bushes. There's a lot of movement in the bushes, and after 7 minutes they come back. The angel sighs. "You've only had 7 minutes. Go back and enjoy the 3 minutes more!"

The male statue turns to the female statue and says, "Fine, but this time you hold the pigeon and I'LL crap on it!"

This post has been edited by Neal on 29th March 2004 15:46

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"Luck is my middle name. Mind you, my first name is Bad." - Rincewind

You can be as self-assertive as you like, just so long as you do what you’re told.” - Granny Weatherwax

"When Mr. Safety Catch Is Not On, Mister Crossbow Is Not Your Friend" - Sam Vimes to Detritus

So this man drove 100 miles to see his girlfriend, and they spend this great weekend together. Problem is, the weekend is over and he's got class on Monday morning. He planned to leave before it got dark on Sunday night, but he was having such a great time that he couldn't get himself to go. Finally, grudgingly, at 3 A.M., he kisses his girlfriend goodbye and drives off.

Unfortunately, the day of fun has worn him out, and he falls asleep at the wheel. He wakes up 20 minutes later, completely unaware of where he is. Luckily, he realizes he's only run out of gas, and his car stopped. An overwhelming sense of relief washes over him; it could've been a lot worse if his car had kept on running.

So anyway, now he's looking around, and has no idea what to do. Fortunately, there's a monastery nearby. He goes to the big knocker and knocks three times. After three loud CLUNKS, a monk comes by and opens the door. He asks to use their phone to call for help, and they let him in.

He calls AAA, but since he's in such an out of the way place, they can't help him at this time of night. The monks overhear his dilemma, and offer him a place to stay for the night, as well as breakfast the next morning. He thanks them and then goes to his bed.

After he's been asleep for two hours, he wakes up to this weird noise. He hears this moan, a thud, a scratch on the walls, and this high pitched squeal, all in this sequence. Then it repeats again. It's quite faint, but he can make it out. His curiosity gets the best of him, and he goes out of his room and wanders about. He puts his ear against some doors to try to locate the origin of the sound, and finally he finds it. It's behind this big, strange, yellow door, but he finds that it's locked. He figures that since it's off limits, he should go back to sleep.

When he wakes up the next morning, he calls AAA, and they come and rescue him. Before he leaves, he asks the monks what the noise was. The monks look at each other hesitatingly, before one of them speaks up and says, "We can't tell you, because you're not a monk."

The man figures that it's too bad, and simply heads on his way.

The next weekend, the man visits his girlfriend again. This time, due to a little more self control, he leaves at midnight to ensure that nothing dangerous happens like last time. Sadly, his car engine dies after a few hours on the road. He looks around, and realizes that it's broken down next to the monastery again. Grateful for his good fortune, he knocks on the door. The monks recognize him, and offer him their hospitality again.

This time, in bed, the man hears the noises again. The moan, the thud, the scratch, the squeal, the moan, the thud, the scratch, the squeal, and it continues and continues. He goes back out to the strange, big yellow door, and puts his ear to it again. He's tempted to try and pick the lock, but he didn't want to stoop as low so as to have to deface a monastery. So he goes back to his bed and falls into an unrestful sleep, all the while trying to figure out what the noises are.

He wakes up the next morning, and once again, AAA rescues him. Before he leaves, he asks another group of monks what the noises were. Hopefully, these monks would be more open. But they give him the same reply as the other monks had: "We can't tell you, because you're not a monk."

At this point, he's become so frustrated with the noises that he must know; else, it'll haunt him for the rest of his life. So he asks, "What do I do to become a monk?"

They tell him, "You must search this narrow strip of beach and count all of the pebbles located there, as well as this square area of forest and count all of the blades of grass." It's a tall order to fulfill, but the man is determined to find the origin of the sounds.

So he goes to the beach, and he brings with him a piece of paper and some markers. He marks off every stone he has counted, and tallies it on his sheet of paper. He sleeps on the beach, holding the stones he has counted.

When he is done with that, he goes to the forest and repeats the process. His dedication is amazing. By the time he is through, the whole patch of grass is marked red.

He comes back after two weeks, unshaven, unkempt, but beaming with pride as he presents his answer: "There are 4,152 stones and 35,829 blades of grass."

The monks look around as there are mutters of approval. Then, one of them approaches him and gives him a key. "Take this key, and open the yellow door. Then you will know the secret of the noises."

So the man takes the key and opens the door. Behind it, he sees... another big door, only red! He says, "Very funny guys, seriously, what is this?"

The monks reply, "Continue opening the doors, my son, and you will learn."

So he opens the red door, then the orange door, the purple door, the blue door, and the gray door, and finally, FINALLY, he understands what has been causing the noises this whole time.

But I can't tell any of you what it was, because you guys aren't monks.

--------------------

Little miss Muffet, sat on her tuffet,
Eating her curds and...
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Quote (Goobers @ 1st April 2004 21:42)

But I can't tell any of you what it was, because you guys aren't monks.

I hate you.

This post has been edited by Iggy on 2nd April 2004 12:54

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"Luck is my middle name. Mind you, my first name is Bad." - Rincewind

You can be as self-assertive as you like, just so long as you do what you’re told.” - Granny Weatherwax

"When Mr. Safety Catch Is Not On, Mister Crossbow Is Not Your Friend" - Sam Vimes to Detritus

Reply to Goobers's post: .....................[Donkey Kong Country vulture noise]!!!

--------------------

Check the "What games are you playing at the moment?" thread for updates on what I've been playing.

You can find me on the Fediverse! I use Mastodon, where I am @[email protected] ( https://sakurajima.moe/@glennmagusharvey )

joke time doods/

why did the elphent cry??

That isnt really a joke is it?

Ok I got one...

I walk up to this pirate and he has a steering wheel in his crotch so I say to him "Dude did you know there is a steering wheel in your groin?" and he replied "Argh! It be driving me nuts!"

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There is a time and a place for everything, and I am niether

alright... here are some things that i got in the email... but I found them funny so i hope you guys will too...

ONLY IN AMERICA

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry and a diet coke...
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
Only in America...are the least useful professions (professional athletes, movie actors & entertainers) paid so disproportionally much compared to people with normal jobs...
Only in America...do people buy domestic brand tires, because they want to "buy American," and install them on their imported cars...
Only in America...the budgets for advertising non-essential items, like soft drinks, exceed the economies of many third-world nations...
Only in America...do we use the word politics to describe the process so well. Poli in latin meaning many and tics meaning blood sucking creatures...

SIPPING VODKA

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous
on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning
of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to
talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following
note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his @$$.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s**t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his
donkey,don't say he was stoned off his @$$.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take
this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub
thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.
Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.


--------------------

~ A Hero Is Someone Who Stands When Their Legs Are Gone~

What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexics Association.

--------------------

Little miss Muffet, sat on her tuffet,
Eating her curds and...
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Only in America are there Braille dots on drive-through ATM machines...

--------------------

~Status Report~

* Completed... Dragon's Head
* Completed... Soldiers of the Empire: Disciples (release pending)
* In Progress/Undecided... Of Love and Betrayal
* Planning/Assembly... Where it all Began

Okay, I've just come up with a new joke. It's a lame pun, but isn't that my trade?

For all ye Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers fans:
In what time zone is Angel Grove?
Morphin' Standard Time.

--------------------

Check the "What games are you playing at the moment?" thread for updates on what I've been playing.

You can find me on the Fediverse! I use Mastodon, where I am @[email protected] ( https://sakurajima.moe/@glennmagusharvey )

Post your favorite/best joke here and give answer.(in spoiler)
Follow Forum rules and keep it clean




--------------------

"My words be like surgery, makin' Faces lift." - Proof

I invented the best knock-knock joke ever made. Ready? (I'll put the punchline in spoilers as not to ruin the ending.)

-- Knock knock.
-- Who's there?
-- I got up.
-- I got up who?

Possible spoilers: highlight to view

Well, geez, you don't have to announce it to the whole world! There's a bathroom down the hall and to your left.

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Some ghost of me might greet my son
the day he is delivered.


Eternal Sleep, Track 1-1: The Blue Planet

a guy walked into a bar...........and said ouch

not very funny, but its the 1st joke i ever learned!:)

This post has been edited by baralai888 on 23rd April 2005 06:48

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"The answer is, of course, that it would be best to be both loved and feared. But since the two rarely come together, anyone compelled to choose will find greater security in being feared than in being loved."
- Niccolo Machiavelli, The Prince

One that I remember from my dad that I really liked. Dunno why, it just made me giggle.

Poem:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Most poems ryhme
But this one doesn't


--------------------

Arts

Farts

Twarts

(From Something Awful's 'Jokes with Realistic Endings.)

"A man walks into a bar.
He is an alcoholic whose drinking problem is destroying his family."

Not exactly tasteful, but it had me rolling around like a moron.

This post has been edited by Mimic on 23rd April 2005 11:51

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Britney Spears.
Britney Spears who?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?

Possible spoilers: highlight to view

Oops, I did it again...

Hehee... I just learned it the other day.

--------------------

Yunalesca: "Hope is...comforting. It allows us to accept fate, however tragic it might be. "

Yunalesca: "Poor creature. You would throw away hope. Well... I will free you before you can drown in your sorrow. It is better for you to die in hope than to live in despair. Let me be your liberator. "

Tad of a feministic one here (one of the better ones I recall now):

This man comes home and sees the entire yard destroyed: trees broken down, bushes torched, yard furniture scattered all over the place...
He walks into the house and sees an even greater mess: phone off the hook and ripped out of the wall for that matter, trash everywhere...food scraps and sauces all over the kitchen, fridge broken...in the bathroom the walls were graffitti'ed with toothpaste...
He comes, afraid and shaking into the bedroom and sees his wife comfortably laying on the bed.
"Ho-honey..." he asks "...what has happenned here?!?"
"Well,..." answeres the wife "you know how each day you come home and ask >What the hell do you do the whole day, eh?<"
"Yeah."
"I didn't do it today."


Also, I'm a big fan of politically incorrect jokes (gay jokes, racistic jokes, cheuvinist jokes, midget jokes, etc...), and I'd like to post one of the classic ones here, but since this is a tad of a soft spot here I'll spoiler it out.
NOTE TO ADMINS: I will understand if you delete this part of the post, however PLEASE read the joke first, then decide about it.

Moderator Edit

Spoilers do NOT exclude racist comment from appearing on these message boards. In no way, shape, or form was this appropriate at all.

This post has been edited by Neal on 23rd April 2005 17:59

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"I fell off the mountain of words at around the 10,000ft mark. Tell my family...they owe me money." -Narratorway

"If you retort against this, so help me God I'll shove any part of your anatomy I can find into some other part. Figuratively, of course." - Josh

"We have more, can deliver tuesday." - Del S

Good old CoN

We don't care if you think they're funny, if they don't follow the rules, you will get warned for it. Keep that in mind for the rest of this thread.

This post has been edited by Neal on 23rd April 2005 18:02

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Hey, put the cellphone down for a while
In the night there is something wild
Can you hear it breathing?
And hey, put the laptop down for a while
In the night there is something wild
I feel it, it's leaving me

Are dead baby jokes OK? I've got a lot of them.


Two blondes walk into a house. You'd think one of them woulda seen it.

Guy walks into a bar. Bartender says, "what is this? Some kinda joke?"

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"

A guy walks into a bar and there is a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says, "No, I never thought the parrot would sell the place."

--------------------

M777: lightweight 155mm howitzer
3/11 rules over all artillery!

Three guys walked into a bar, the fourth one ducked.

--------------------

~ Aurora, exhale bloody air! Dark Holy! ~

How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb? Wanna ride bikes?

--------------------

War is for the participants a test of character; it makes bad men worse and good men better. - Joshua Chamberlain

U sir R a n00b >:-( - Cactuar

A pan of muffins is in the oven. One muffin says "Damn, it's hot in here." The muffin next to him says "AHHH! A TALKING MUFFIN!"



[/non-originality]

This post has been edited by Sabin on 23rd April 2005 22:52

--------------------

"When I turn the page
The corner bends into the perfect dog ear
As if the words knew I'd need them again
But at the time, I didn't see it."

~"This Ain't a Surfin' Movie" - Minus the Bear

Just some college humor... I never miss out an opportunity to bash on some of the colleges whose sports fans (and uppity students) I revile.

How many Ohio State football players does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one, but he gets three hours of credit.


What's the difference between UVA students and VTech students?

They both got into Tech.


What's the different between an Ivy League student and an (insert good non-Ivy school here) student?

You don't have to ask where the Ivy guy went to school.

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this is a blog mostly about comics and videogames
END SPOILER

Quote (laszlow @ 23rd April 2005 19:30)

Just some college humor... I never miss out an opportunity to bash on some of the colleges whose sports fans (and uppity students) I revile.

How many Ohio State football players does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Its THE Ohio State University, if your going to rip them get it right.

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War is for the participants a test of character; it makes bad men worse and good men better. - Joshua Chamberlain

U sir R a n00b >:-( - Cactuar