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jesus and satan were in a heated arguement about who's the better programmer. they decide to start a competition to see who would win.

after 3 of the 5 years pass, a terrible storm passes, knocking out power to the entire world.

when the competition was finally to be decided, jesus and satan present their programs. jesus's program was flawless, and ended all of the world's problems. when confronted about why his program was awful, satan said the following:

"Jesus saves."

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Aujourdhui a commence avec toi.

Alright, I've got two I can share (folds sleeves back):

A police officer notices an old man sitting on a park bench crying. Unable to ignore him, the policeman approaches the old and asks him why he's crying.
The old man tells him: "I'm 83 years old, ugly, rich, and not as sharp as I used to be, but then I came across a beautiful, vibrant young woman with whom I fell in love. She and I started chatting and it turned out we share everything in common. And the sex? Incredible! So I decided to surprise her this morning by leaving her in bed at home and picking up breakfast at the local diner."
The police officer replies, "It sounds like you should be happy, not miserable."
"But that's the problem, Officer," the old man sobs, "I don't remember where I live!!"

And another:

Mrs. Crabtree, the first-grade teacher, decides that the best way for her to learn her students' names on the first day of school is to ask them how they spent their summers.
"Now children," Mrs. Crabtree states, "This is the first grade. Please refrain from baby talk and use adult words."
The first brave volunteer, Tammy, tells Mrs. Crabtree: "My parents took me on a choo-choo ride to New York!"
"That sounds like fun, Tammy," Mrs Crabtree replies, "But it's called a train, not a 'choo-choo'."
The second child, Mark, tells Mrs. Crabtree: "I went to visit my Nana in Miami!"
"That's sweet of you, Mark," Mrs. Crabtree remarks, "But you visited your grandmother, not your 'Nana'."
After much thought, a third soul, Jimmy, raises his hand.
"And what did you do, Jimmy?" Mrs. Crabtree asks.
"My parents took me to Disney World!" Jimmy states with pride.
"That's wonderful! Did you see your favorite character, Jimmy?" asked Mrs. Crabtree.
"Yes, I did," Jimmy replies with a wide grin. "I saw Winnie the Shit!!"

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Mutherf***er suplexed a train! :D

Some good ol' political humor, best read about 2003 or so:

Former US Attorney General John Ashcroft is visiting an elementary school for Career Day, and is answering questions posed by a fourth-grade class. A boy named Jimmy raises his hand and Ashcroft calls on him. Jimmy asks "Mr. Ashcroft, I have two questions: why haven't we caught Osama Bin Laden yet? And isn't the Patriot Act in violation of our inalienable rights as US citizens?"

Before John Ashcroft can answer, the bell rings for recess. After recess is over, questioning resumes. Kids raise their hands again and Ashcroft calls on a girl named Mary. Mary asks "Mr. Ashcroft, I have four questions: why haven't we caught Osama Bin Laden yet? Isn't the Patriot Act in violation of our inalienable rights as US citizens? Why did we have recess two hours early today, and where's Jimmy?"

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this is a blog mostly about comics and videogames
END SPOILER

This one's for you MG.

What did one deadhead say to the other when they ran out of drugs?

Possible spoilers: highlight to view

"This band fucking sucks"

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"We're not tools of the government or anyone else. Fighting... fighting was the only thing I was ever good at, but at least I always fought for what I believed in." - Frank Yeager (a.k.a. Grey Fox)

Here's one a friend told me a long time ago:


A woman is holding a house party, when a guest, highly intoxicated, staggers up to her.
"Hey, lady.. I gotta ashk ya shumfin. Does yer lemons have wingsh?" he starts.
Slightly annoyed, she replies, "Look, sir. You've had a few too many so just sit down and don't bother anyone."

He obliges and goes back to his seat. Ten minutes later he returns.
"Hey, lady. I gotta ashk ya shumfin. Does yer lemonsh have wingsh?"
Getting rather irritated, she replies, "Look, I'm only going to tell you this one more time; 'go back to your seat and don't bother anyone.'"

Again, he returns to his seat, only to come back a few minutes later.
"Lady, I gotta ashk; do yer lemonsh have wingsh?"
Having had enough, she tells him, "Look if you don't go back to your seat and stop bothering people, I'm calling the police."
Desperate he replies, "Lady I jush wanna know if yer lemonsh have wingsh."
Exasperated she finally replies, "No. My lemons don't have wings."
Reproachfully, he replies, "Oh... Then I jush shqueezed the guts outta yer canary."

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"If you're thirsty, life gives you crackers; if you're hungry, it gives you pants."

Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Are you having a beer?" Descartes says, "I think not," and ceases to exist.

Quote (FallingHeart @ 2nd March 2010 21:49)

This one's for you MG.

What did one deadhead say to the other when they ran out of drugs?

Possible spoilers: highlight to view

"This band fucking sucks"

My sister and I both thought that was great.

A birch tree and a beech tree grew up next to eachother from seeds and became best friends. After one-hundred years, a sapling sprang up between them and they argued about who's sapling it was. Finally, one day, a woodpecker settled on the sapling and they asked it to tell them who's child it was, so the woodpecker replies-
"Son of a beech, or son of a birch, it's the best damn ash I ever had."

Yes, a tree joke.

Edit

edit:

Quote

"an birch... an beech."

that's a weird one .

This post has been edited by MogMaster on 4th March 2010 02:19

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If you've been mod-o-fied,
It's an illusion, and you're in-between.
Don't you be tarot-fied,
It's just alot of nothing, so what can it mean?
~Frank Zappa

Sins exist only for people who are on the Way or approaching the Way

Quote (MogMaster @ 3rd March 2010 18:11)

Yes, a tree joke.

Easily the best tree joke I've ever read.


Anyway, here are some more jokes:

A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.
"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said.
"Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."
The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"
"Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."

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Charles Dickens walks into a bar....

Charles Dickens: Please, sir, I'd like a martini.
Bartender: Sure thing. Olive or twist?

The next day, James Joyce walks into the same bar....

James Joyce: I'll take a Guinness.
Bartender: So Charles Dickens was in here yesterday.
James Joyce: (drinks)
Bartender: And he asked for a martini and I said, "Olive or twist?"
James Joyce: (drinks)
Bartender: You see, it's funny because he wrote a book called "Oliver Twist."
James Joyce: What a shitty joke.

The next day, Ernest Hemingway walks into the same bar....

Ernest Hemingway: Gin.
Bartender: So Charles Dickens was in here two days ago.
Ernest Hemingway: Joyce already told me that story. F** off.

The next day, Franz Kafka walks into the same bar....

Franz Kafka: I'd like a mineral water.
Bartender: Olive or twist?
Franz Kafka: I can't digest solid food.

The next day, Mark Twain walks into the very same bar....

Mark Twain: Give me a brandy.
Bartender: So Charles Dickens came in the other day and ordered a martini.
Mark Twain: Did he take an olive or twist? Ha ha ha!
Bartender: (tearful) You did that on purpose, didn't you?

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Someone once posed this question to Ernest Hemingway, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

Hemingway said, 'He crossed the road. To die. In the rain.'

My friend's mum thought 'lol' was lots of love. His grandmother was very ill last year, and eventually she sent him a text saying: 'Gran's died lol'

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Scepticism, that dry rot of the intellect, had not left one entire idea in his mind.

Me on the Starcraft.

Quote (sweetdude @ 24th March 2010 15:01)

My friend's mum thought 'lol' was lots of love. His grandmother was very ill last year, and eventually she sent him a text saying: 'Gran's died lol'

Haha. I literally LOLed on that one. Please tell me that's a true story?

I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me...

This post has been edited by No-Name on 25th March 2010 05:35

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"You know that feeling you get when you're on a merry go 'round, and you want to jump off to make the spinning stop, but you know it'll suck when you land? I feel like that all the time"- Keno

"I stab my girl until I fall down"
-Yukari
Do you like Horny Bunnies?

So a dyslexic man walks into a bra...

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"We're not tools of the government or anyone else. Fighting... fighting was the only thing I was ever good at, but at least I always fought for what I believed in." - Frank Yeager (a.k.a. Grey Fox)

Quote (Kane @ 25th March 2010 02:08)

Quote (sweetdude @ 24th March 2010 15:01)

My friend's mum thought 'lol' was lots of love. His grandmother was very ill last year, and eventually she sent him a text saying: 'Gran's died lol'

Haha. I literally LOLed on that one. Please tell me that's a true story?

Unfortunately it is... HAH! I didn't know what to do at first until he started laughing.

My friend had a schoolmate back in the day who was in a wheelchair. One day they went out on a school archery expedition. From then on he was called 'Leg-less'.

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Scepticism, that dry rot of the intellect, had not left one entire idea in his mind.

Me on the Starcraft.

When you stop and think about it, treadmills are quite dangerous.

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Failure is not an option. its an art form

what did the old rope say?

Possible spoilers: highlight to view

"I'm afrayed not"

two drums and a cymbal roll down a hill DU-DU-DISH

whats the only bet you can't lose?

Possible spoilers: highlight to view

"The Alphabet!"

This post has been edited by R8.50 Mango on 25th March 2010 11:49

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Since I advertise CoN there I think it's only fair that I advertise The Wiki here.

No, you could be affected by amnesia.

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Check the "What games are you playing at the moment?" thread for updates on what I've been playing.

You can find me on the Fediverse! I use Mastodon, where I am @[email protected] ( https://sakurajima.moe/@glennmagusharvey )

i know the |many husbands and the virgin wife| clean version

the newly weds on their honeymoon
the wife said to the groom that she's a virgin
the groom doesn't get it, she's married many times before
she told him

husband one was a saler-he kept telling her how amazing it will be

husband two was computer man-he checked everything out, but can't get the system up

husband three was pizza guy-he knew all the stuff, but didn't know if he can deliver

husband four was a therapist-talk, talk, talk about it and ask questions

husband five was an examiner-let me look, look___I can see something, no I don't

that's why I'm so aroused and shaken up by you
"Why," he said
"You are a lawyer, this time I know I'm gonna get screwed!!!


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if there is a Cosmic Implosion bomb[black hole like bomb] we might be able to counter an Atomic bomb

Stop me if you've heard this one.

A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting in a street café watching people entering and leaving the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people entering the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three people leaving the house. The physicist says, "The measurement wasn't accurate." The biologist says, "They must have reproduced." The mathematician says, "If one more person enters the house then it will be empty."

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"You know that feeling you get when you're on a merry go 'round, and you want to jump off to make the spinning stop, but you know it'll suck when you land? I feel like that all the time"- Keno

"I stab my girl until I fall down"
-Yukari
Do you like Horny Bunnies?

One day, I was changing a lightbulb when heard a "knock, knock" at the door. I answered with a "who's there" and on the doorstep was an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman. We crossed the road and walked into a bar. Then I realized, my life was just one big joke.

A kid walks into the classroom late and the teacher asks "Why are you late?" The student answers "I was on top of Cherry Hill." Another student walks in and the teacher asks "Why are you late?" The other student answers "I was on top of Cherry Hill. A new student walks into the room and the teacher asks "What is your name?" The student replies and says "Cherry Hill"



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Without darkness there can be no light, so how can darkness be truly evil?