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Ok it was a chain mail but it was very funny so here it is and sorry to the ops if theres anything you guys dont like take it out or change it i just copied it word for word
*DADDY'S TEN RULES OF DATING* [Guys take note.]



Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.

Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so

I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.


Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

This post has been edited by 0dark on 2nd December 2003 19:27

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*When all else fails RUN!!!!!

*Theres always a light at the end of the tunnel...just make sure its not an on rushing shot of plasma!

Meh me and a few mates actually came up with a few counter rules to that

1. We wouldn't pull into your driveway we're knocking the garden gnomes over on purpose because they are utterly tastelss.

2. Seriously if you see us hug your daughter in an affectionate way and look at her as if she's the sexiest woman in the world. She's your daughter, so be flattered.

3. Pull out the nail gun and I'll stick my foot where the sun don't shine.

4. I know your speaking from experience because I know your daughter came into the world because you and your wife didn't utilise the barrier method and thus your Dad in law forced to marry your wife. Don't worry I'll learn from your mistakes.

5. I came here to date your daughter not discuss subjects of which you'd bore me to death with anyway. As far as your daughter is concerned she'll home whenever she damn likes.

6. As I refer to rule 4 I'm no where as dumb as you old timer. And if you try to make me cry I'll egg your car, pour laxative in your coffee and dig up your garden.

7. Get over it, I' m here to see your daughter and even putting up with you while she gets ready is worth it. Besides there's more than one movie.

8. Meh fine while were making out you just call E.R to take your cardiac arrest carcass to the Intensive Care ward.

9. And because you are a dimwit you won't be able to use any of those weapons. Unlike me because I know what I'm doing. But you are just a dimwit, so sit back and have another beer and shutup.

10. I refer to rule 9, you're an idiot and my response is "Make me you crazed military failure".

So don't worry boys, fathers have to respect you too. After all you could be paying for the nursing home fees so if they want to live somewhere they have to be nice to you.

This post has been edited by Rangers51 on 3rd December 2003 03:09

Quote

I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Funny stuff . This is my favorite thing of all. I can just see some guy burying a some kid in his back yard. That was great Odark .

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I will be the mustard of your doom!

The rules, old as they may be, are funny. The counter rules, not so much. Oh well.

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"To create something great, you need the means to make a lot of really bad crap." - Kevin Kelly

Why aren't you shopping AmaCoN?

Quote (0dark @ 2nd December 2003 14:23)

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

I remember these from a few years ago.

Ten is the best. "...there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine," always got me.

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The clouds ran away, opened up the sky
And one by one I watched every constellation die
And there I was frozen, standing in my backyard
Face to face, eye to eye, staring at the last star
I should've known, walked all the way home
To find that she wasn't here, I'm still all alone

-Atmosphere "Always Coming Back Home to You"

Quote (0dark @ 2nd December 2003 14:23)

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.

Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so

I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

That one is my favorite

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"I had to write four novels before they let me write comic books."
-Brad Meltzer

I reminded of something I saw from the Blue Collar Comedy Tour they showed on Comedy Central. One of the comedians begins talking about the first time his daughter went out on a date. As soon as the guy arrived at the house, he took him aside, put his arm around him and whispered real low so only he could here these words:

"Boy, y'see that girl over there? That girl's the light of my life, the sparkle in my eye, and reason for my happiness. So when you go out with her tonight and you get any ideas about huggin an' kissin an' touchin, I want you to remember this one thing:

I have no problem going back to prison."

This thread reminded me of that instantly, so I'd figured I'd share.

Morguen, there's some good one's there, but for the most part, it's too long. For example responce #4 would be a lot better if you got rid of everything 'cept the last sentence. Well hell, while I'm up, I guess I'll try a few.

#1: If I pull in to the driveway and honk, it's so your %&^in dog will move outta the way.

#2: All this says is I got free riegn when I'm outta your site.

#3: I gotta real gun and a younger trigger finger. These pants are baggy for a reason. As if you could tell with my black overcoat anyway.

#4: Since you have a kid, I guess you didn't have this talk when you were a teenager.

#5: Yeah, but the only word you're gonna hear is 'whatever'

#6: Turnabout is fair play. If your rules make her cry, I'll make you bleed.

#7: I have no problem waiting however long it takes. More time to scope out what can be easily swiped from your house w/o you noticing.

#8: A zipper up to her throat eh? Pretty kinky if'n ya ask me.

#9: I have weapons, hours of videogame experience and delusions of grandeur.

#10: That was you? I thought it was your wife. My bad.

With that, I'm going to bed. I'm smelling a thread here...


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Arts

Farts

Twarts

Funny stuff. I've been dating a girl for about a year and a half now and while me and her dad get along just fine, he was kinda resentfull of me at first. The very first time i came over he insisted on showing me his shotgun He scared the crap out of me.

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<Nealio> Seymour sounds like evil Winnie the Pooh

ya they may be old but I just got them and they reminded me of one of my gf's dad who said If I see you touch my daughter on anywhere but the hand ill throw you through a window and failing that hit you with my truck. Yes I was scared so I replied sir don't worry ill wait till your gone before I do that..... he didn't much like this response and proceeded to throw me out the door, no prob she wasnt that hot anyway lol.

But the correct answer to number 4 is judging your fine daughter there im thinking theres a way around the barrier method and would like to request 10 days of trial after this 10 day period if you catch me you may kill me.

This post has been edited by 0dark on 3rd December 2003 19:44

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*When all else fails RUN!!!!!

*Theres always a light at the end of the tunnel...just make sure its not an on rushing shot of plasma!

Quote (0dark @ 3rd December 2003 14:40)

ya they may be old but I just got them and they reminded me of one of my gf's dad who said If I see you touch my daughter on anywhere but the hand ill throw you through a window and failing that hit you with my truck. Yes I was scared so I replied sir don't worry ill wait till your gone before I do that..... he didn't much like this response and proceeded to throw me out the door, no prob she wasnt that hot anyway lol.

Although I've seen this years ago, it is still very funny and got me to smile. However, Odark's comment just actually made me laugh out loud!

This post has been edited by Iceman on 3rd December 2003 21:15

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You tell me.

Actually Narratorway the reason four is long is because it's the only rule we've used in the modern world(about 3 years ago). And since then alot of overprotective fathers have shut up since. The nice fathers however still have our respect.

Just to give credit where credit is due, the original joke is from a column written by Bruce Cameron, who very rarely gets any credit for it. :)

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Veni, vidi, dormivi.

Quote (MorgueN @ 3rd December 2003 15:59)

Actually Narratorway the reason four is long is because it's the only rule we've used in the modern world(about 3 years ago). And since then alot of overprotective fathers have shut up since. The nice fathers however still have our respect.

You'll be cute when you become the father of a girl and you have little punks trying to get in her pants.

This post has been edited by Rangers51 on 3rd December 2003 22:57

--------------------

"To create something great, you need the means to make a lot of really bad crap." - Kevin Kelly

Why aren't you shopping AmaCoN?

Quote (0dark @ 2nd December 2003 14:23)

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

I swear I've fell victim to this rule so bad. When a graduated this past year, for Prom I went to pick up my "then" girlfriend, and I pull up high as a bia-, ready to go have some fun, and her pops greets me at the door.. "Hey Trent, Gina and her mom are upstairs fixing that crossage and what not, so just wait in the living room.."

Little did I know he was out back changing the oil in his Chevy and while I'm sitting for a good 15 minutes, he comes in, "Hey Trent, I need you to hold this oil pan out back for, this things known to splatter .." He says this to me, mind you, while I'm wearing a White Tux that cost me an arm and a leg, so I end up on my back fixing this oil pan, well when he released that stuff, it hit the side of the oil pan splattering all over the side of my vest..

.. Needless to say, she dumped me a month later when I told her I had to go to a Barbeque and she caught me at the Kempsville/Providence stop light hot boxing my Jimmy, smokin' an L with my boy Chris. I'm sober now.

Speaking as, you know, a girl, I would seriously question my own sanity if I agreed to date a person who adhered to the Counterrules. Fathers (and mothers) are allowed to be overprotective because they've invested 10+ years worth of devotion and money in their children; honking in the driveway of someone who isn't going to dump me for the next chick in a mini-skirt is not exactly endearing.

And when I come down those stairs after slaving away in front of the mirror for half the afternoon, I expect you to look like Cary Grant, not Eminem.

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"Turd-cookies!...they're hot and soft, though..."

Rose leaves, when the rose is dead, Are heaped for the beloved's bed; And so thy thoughts, when thou art gone, Love itself shall slumber on.  - Percy Bysshe Shelley

Quote (Rangers51 @ 3rd December 2003 22:56)

Quote (MorgueN @ 3rd December 2003 15:59)

Actually Narratorway the reason four is long is because it's the only rule we've used in the modern world(about 3 years ago). And since then alot of overprotective fathers have shut up since. The nice fathers however still have our respect.

You'll be cute when you become the father of a girl and you have little punks trying to get in her pants.

Ah need you not worry I'm very prepared for this twist of fate.

Quote (Rangers51 @ 3rd December 2003 17:56)

You'll be cute when you become the father of a girl and you have little punks trying to get in her pants.

Thank you, took the words right out of my mouth.


--------------------

The clouds ran away, opened up the sky
And one by one I watched every constellation die
And there I was frozen, standing in my backyard
Face to face, eye to eye, staring at the last star
I should've known, walked all the way home
To find that she wasn't here, I'm still all alone

-Atmosphere "Always Coming Back Home to You"

Quote (Living Tribunal @ 3rd December 2003 18:17)

.. Needless to say, she dumped me a month later when I told her I had to go to a Barbeque and she caught me at the Kempsville/Providence stop light hot boxing my Jimmy, smokin' an L with my boy Chris. I'm sober now.

Providence, Rhode Island?

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You tell me.

Quote (MorgueN @ 2nd December 2003 21:48)

1. We wouldn't pull into your driveway we're knocking the garden gnomes over on purpose because they are utterly tastelss.

Running down things in your date's yard. Good Luck getting a second date

Quote (MorgueN @ 2nd December 2003 21:48)

2. Seriously if you see us hug your daughter in an affectionate way and look at her as if she's the sexiest woman in the world. She's your daughter, so be flattered.

The issue there is that he may think that is the only way you look at her, and it shows you have little to no respect for his daughter.

Quote (MorgueN @ 2nd December 2003 21:48)

3. Pull out the nail gun and I'll stick my foot where the sun don't shine.

Assaulting your date's father. Good luck getting a second date

Quote (MorgueN @ 2nd December 2003 21:48)

4. I know your speaking from experience because I know your daughter came into the world because you and your wife didn't utilise the barrier method and thus your Dad in law forced to marry your wife. Don't worry I'll learn from your mistakes.

Calling your date's existence an accident. Good luck surviving the beating from her entire family.

Quote (MorgueN @ 2nd December 2003 21:48)

5. I came here to date your daughter not discuss subjects of which you'd bore me to death with anyway. As far as your daughter is concerned she'll home whenever she damn likes.

Refusing to promise to bring your date back. Good luck getting out the door, alone or otherwise.

Quote (MorgueN @ 2nd December 2003 21:48)

6. As I refer to rule 4 I'm no where as dumb as you old timer. And if you try to make me cry I'll egg your car, pour laxative in your coffee and dig up your garden.

Insulting your date's father and threatening to vandalize her house. Good luck getting a first date

Quote (MorgueN @ 2nd December 2003 21:48)

7. Get over it, I' m here to see your daughter and even putting up with you while she gets ready is worth it. Besides there's more than one movie.

If there's more than one movie, and it's worth it, then why act impatient?

Quote (MorgueN @ 2nd December 2003 21:48)

8. Meh fine while were making out you just call E.R to take your cardiac arrest carcass to the Intensive Care ward.

Here's a tip: Do not, under any circumstance, comment on the age of your date's parents.

Quote (MorgueN @ 2nd December 2003 21:48)

9. And because you are a dimwit you won't be able to use any of those weapons. Unlike me because I know what I'm doing. But you are just a dimwit, so sit back and have another beer and shutup.

Do you have any idea how intelligence has nothing to do with using a shotgun? You don't even have to have good aim.

Quote (MorgueN @ 2nd December 2003 21:48)

10. I refer to rule 9, you're an idiot and my response is "Make me you crazed military failure".

You think a random kid off the street is anywhere close to a match for a Military Vet? Especially a Vietnam one, where PDSS was the absolute worst of any war.
I'd pay to see you try

Quote (MorgueN @ 3rd December 2003 21:27)

Ah need you not worry I'm very prepared for this twist of fate.

Kinda defeats the purpose of a twist of fate. You cannot be prepared for that. You can't be prepared for parenting in general, no matter how hard you try, let alone having to deal with that kind of situation.

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"I had to write four novels before they let me write comic books."
-Brad Meltzer

DP you know me. It is a joke you realise.

Quote (Iceman @ 3rd December 2003 22:59)

Providence, Rhode Island?

If you're asking if that's where I live, I live in Virginia Beach, VA. Home of the Clipse and the Neptunes.. And stupid tourists. Kempsville and Providence is an intersection in a little community within Virginia Beach known as a Kempsville. Party People for sure..

LT, sounds fun. One advantage of being youngest is the fact that when you go to parties with older siblings, you can hit on thier friends. I've never met a girlfriend who's parent's didn't like me, but one ex of mine moved in after we were broke up by way of her cheating on me, her, her paren'ts, and my girlfriend lived with my parents and I for roughtly 4 months or something like that. IT WAS A LIVING HELL!

Moderator Edit

I don't know why this would be considered on topic. -R51

This post has been edited by Rangers51 on 5th December 2003 20:44

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At times one remains faithful to a cause only because its opponents do not cease to be insipid.
Friedrich Nietzsche (1844 - 1900)