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Hello, and Welcome to the Evil Plot of the Year Awards 2009. This topic is for public voting for the winner of the not-very coveted 'Evil Genius' prize. This year's candidates showed distinct amounts of repetition leading the world to fear originality is a dying art, most tragically expressed by the fact everyone these days is so unoriginal everything unoriginal is always called "the same as X" instead of something more original. And is mostly accused of being either nothing but Brown, Tan and Khaki, or is then accused of being "too colourful and cartoony".

This year, just like last year, there are 10 candidates decided as always from the recommendations of experts(1) who have studied(2) intelligence data, newspapers(3), and other sources(4) including Internet Blogs(5) and an enlightened intelligent site for debate and discourse (6). General Logic of the evil plots this year appears to have been dimissed in financial crisis cutbacks, and instead, Major Stupidity has been forced to accept an increased workload.

Without further ado, here are this year's ten useless Evil Morons.

1. Helicopter Pilots
Plot- Planned to all become zombies and crash, causing the last survivors of the zombie apocalypse to be killed in the crash or so badly injured the zombies would descend upon them and feast upon their possibly vegetative brains.
Foiled By- Zoey and Nick shooting them.

2. Alex Salmond
Plot- Planned to become super-duper popular via a "Scottish Homecoming" event as well as showing himself to be compassionate, release a white paper on Scottish independence on the back of this popularity, and become King of Scotland by the end of next year and then ruler of all the world by 2013 using nothing more than North Sea oil and his super-duper popularity.
Foiled By- 1) No one caring about an expensive effort to attract tourists to a country in the middle of a recession with lots of things closing, like tourist attractions 2) The fact the country is in the middle of a recession with lots of things closing, like tourist attractions. 3) Even locals don't care about homecoming and sometimes select a new cardboard box as a house at random every night... Thanks to the fact the country in the middle of a recession with lots of things closing, like the banks you had the mortgage with. 4) Some very silly choices as First Minister 5) Working on oil-based maths that made perfect sense in the 1970's. 6) Not even being close to super-duper popular.

3. The European Union
Plot- Those dastardly fiends in Brussels once again get a place on the short-list. This time, they have decided that by effectively forcing the Lisbon Treaty through, they can move one step closer to world domination, but mindful that the people of Europe would need convincing and spotting everything that Obama bloke did in Amerca, they knew they needed the right kind of person to be president of the EU. An eloquent speech giver who would rally Europe to take over the world, a man who everyone recognised, loved and supported. With such a man, they would be unstoppable...
Foiled By- The fact no one knows who the hell the guy they picked is. In fact we can't even find his name. All we know is apparently he's Belgian, which is possibly why, as there are only three famous Belgians (Tintin, Poirot, and Jean Claude Van Damme) and two of them are fictional. You'd think the creators of the fictional Belgians might be Belgian and famous too, but Poirot's creator was English. But go on, name the guy who wrote the other one. And you can't. This is because no one actually knows who wrote Jean Claude Van Damme.

4.Tony Blair
Plot- Tony Blair schemed to have jobs, many jobs. Jobs such as EU President, Middle Eastern Envoy for Peace and Supermarkets, and so on. So many jobs, in fact, he would become a vital part of the economy just by existing, ensuring his death or otherwise incapacitation would cause economic collapse. Effectively immune from all possible threats such as the law and cars, he would then begin openly robbing people and Oil tankers.
Foiled By- Being rejected for the EU Presidency job. They apparently remembered the part about the perfect choice being a "man who everyone recognised, loved and supported" and whilst he was definitely a winner in the first part, no one loves him or supports him. In fact the guy who did get the job, whoever he is, could earn those two missing points on his qualifications simply by punching Mr Blair in the face.

5. Valve
Plot- Planned to take over all existence by replacing normal time with Valve time. Basically it's a bit like time compression from FF8 but strangely plausible and in reverse.
Foiled By- We're not sure why this actually went wrong, but standard procedure is to blame Crash Course for any and all inexplicable failures.

6. CERN
Plot- Black hole machine. Again.
Foiled By- Bread.

7.Stephanie Meyer
Plot- Sought to drive the craze revolving around her purple prose laden series of alleged novels into a fever pitch state by having everyone on earth driven insane by incessant conversations about sparkling and things like that... Did I mention they were vampires? I'm pretty sure everyone knows about this and where it's going actually...
Foiled By- The fact the vast majority of the planet's responses to the idea of sparkling vampires range from laugher to "I'm sorry, I wasn't listening, I was thinking about Batman/Lego/Lego Batman". In addition, a lot of people also know about the fact that the fourth book will be hilarious if filmed because, and I'm told this isn't made up, a vampire baby damn near butchers the main character while it is being born. Also the baby is psychic. And a paedophile werewolf falls in love with it.

8. Kim Jong-Il
Plot- Plotted to win the World Cup in 2010 and then, win the entire world.
Foiled By- Well, first up, we think he got a bit mixed up. He seemed to think football alone would win it. Secondly, he forgot that his country has a terrible football team in global skill ratings. True, they could probably beat Scotland but honestly, who can't? This one was doomed the minute it was created and hence, counts as a 2009 plot because it was born and died this year.

9.Tetsuya Nomura
Plot- Trapped in his home dimension, he sought to harness the power of the crystals of Amo-Erseholes. These legendary crystals, if used, would have transformed the whole dimension into idiots in black clothing and moping around. He sought to unleash their power, and take his new slaves in ther black clothes, zippers, belts, and silly hair back to ours, and invade our reality...
Foiled By- The fact the crystals in question are stuck in Stephanie Meyer's home dimension and that she's already tried the exact same invasion plan a few years ago before she wrote Twilight.

10. Leona Lewis
Plot- This evil, heartless witch plotted cruel and horrific global domination via use of her bland, terrible, samey songs. By having unwilling audiences exposed to it, those who supported her would flock to her whilst the rest of mankind would be killed by the wail of the banshee! Her tuneless drones would cause major damage to the fabric of both society and the human ears, resulting in human sacrifce, mass hysteria, cats and dogs living together with the resultant cat/dog hybrids then taking over the world once we Humans were gone, and those same abominations would come to regard Ghostbusters II and Final Fantasy 8 as the best of the series! In fairness, the Cogs/Dats would still agre Leona Lewis was evil, so at least we're not so different but... Oh yes, Leona Lewis. Pure evil.

Evil.

Evil.
Foiled By- The Mute button, and Susan Boyle.



(1) BBC Have Your Say users
(2) Leaked items printed on Page 94 of Private Eye.
(3) Mostly ones wrapped around my Fish and Chips
(4) BBC Have Your Say
(5) BBC Have Your Say
(6) BBC Have Your Say

This post has been edited by Del S on 10th December 2009 14:22

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"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

I'm sure that the massive thread on the subject indicates that in this community, Leona Lewis will be a runaway winner. However, I'm throwing my hat in the ring for Stephanie Myers. She's teaching a new generation that not only is Mary Sue fiction a great genre, it will also make you rich. She's also almost singlehandedly responsible for me wanting to put a gunbarrel in my mouth whenever I go to Facebook, due to the wide number of people I know who have gone from respectable to downright terrifying.

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"To create something great, you need the means to make a lot of really bad crap." - Kevin Kelly

Why aren't you shopping AmaCoN?

Quote (Rangers51 @ 10th December 2009 11:19)

I'm sure that the massive thread on the subject indicates that in this community, Leona Lewis will be a runaway winner. However, I'm throwing my hat in the ring for Stephanie Myers. She's teaching a new generation that not only is Mary Sue fiction a great genre, it will also make you rich. She's also almost singlehandedly responsible for me wanting to put a gunbarrel in my mouth whenever I go to Facebook, due to the wide number of people I know who have gone from respectable to downright terrifying.

I second this notion.

Stephanie "I Hate Children" Meyers is a monster, pure and simple. Anyone who can intentionally write the garbage she has put out clearly lacks a soul. The fact that it has been successful can only be attributed to the fact that she has either sold her soul to the devil or laced every page of her book with crystal meth.

The sheer amount of people who are into this Twilight thing is staggering. It's just a colossal army of stupid; Stephanie Meyer has an army. Oh god.

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Okay, but there was a goat!

Alex Salmond is the perfect evil genius. Not only does he have the necessary team of enemies who want to destroy him, but he also has legions of followers who would die defending him. He has the resources to establish his power and dominance, the oil and the drinking water, which my friend Luka says is going to be the next big resource to fight over. He's a very powerful speaker; if you've ever seen First Minister's Questions you'll see why going up against his rule of tyranny is politically fatal. But like all powerful men he wants more power, and we as the Scottish people must look up to Iain Gray to stop him.... hah! Salmond's future will be ensured when he marries Annabel Goldie, unites the parties, and their offspring will continue to rule for a thousand years.

As for Stephanie Meyers, I find that everyone I know who's seen the film, a stupid amount of people, didn't like it. But the problem is that they knew it would be bad but just couldn't help themselves from going. I don't understand it, but the crystal meth idea seems pretty feasible. Maybe she had a Wayne's World type of dream when she was unsure if the books were good or not: "publish the books and the sales will come."

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Scepticism, that dry rot of the intellect, had not left one entire idea in his mind.

Me on the Starcraft.

I vote Stephanie Meyer. Not only has she captivated the stupid and the naive, not only has she poisoned people like me with Joker-esque laughing toxin via movie, but she also managed to corrupt one of the greatest men of our times!

She needs to be stopped, once and for all!

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"I fell off the mountain of words at around the 10,000ft mark. Tell my family...they owe me money." -Narratorway

"If you retort against this, so help me God I'll shove any part of your anatomy I can find into some other part. Figuratively, of course." - Josh

"We have more, can deliver tuesday." - Del S

Good old CoN

Quote (Rangers51 @ 10th December 2009 11:19)

I'm sure that the massive thread on the subject indicates that in this community, Leona Lewis will be a runaway winner. However, I'm throwing my hat in the ring for Stephanie Myers. She's teaching a new generation that not only is Mary Sue fiction a great genre, it will also make you rich. She's also almost singlehandedly responsible for me wanting to put a gunbarrel in my mouth whenever I go to Facebook, due to the wide number of people I know who have gone from respectable to downright terrifying.

Definitely, that will lead us down a horrible road, perhaps proving the 2012 theories right. What an incredibly evil woman that reaks of bad writing laced with horrendous stupidity.

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Praise Be To Helix!

Quote (Del S @ 10th December 2009 09:20)

purple prose

Wow, Stephanie Meyer is mentioned on the Wikipedia article about purple prose. Isn't it grand to not be part of the target audience for Twilight?

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"Cavefish is delicious, but only if cooked."

Quote (Shiva Indis @ 11th December 2009 10:22)

Wow, Stephanie Meyer is mentioned on the Wikipedia article about purple prose. Isn't it grand to not be part of the target audience for Twilight?

I'm sorry, but I think your gender makes you part of the target market whether you like it or not.

Really, I'm actually posting to mention that I finally realized that I misspelled Meyer's name in my post. Oops. Next person who quotes me should fix it!

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"To create something great, you need the means to make a lot of really bad crap." - Kevin Kelly

Why aren't you shopping AmaCoN?

It's a tough choice this year. Helicopter pilots, Kim Jong-Il, Tony Blair, Stephanie Meyer, even, surprisingly, Tetsuya Nomura, all have the traits of true villains. But it seems that my vote this year would go to the European Union. Belgians. They're evil. And I mean EVIL.

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You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one...

Quote (sweetdude @ 10th December 2009 11:41)

But the problem is that they knew it would be bad but just couldn't help themselves from going. I don't understand it, but the crystal meth idea seems pretty feasible.

I also cower at the thought of Stephanie Meyer's horrendous, labored (no undead baby birth allusion here, btw) prose.

Clearly something has been cut into the pages of Twilight. My friend, also an English major, kept telling me that Meyer writes horribly, but she couldn't just throw the book aside. Even awareness of its insidious nature won't save you from Twilight's hideous grasp.

Wow, I put my vote in for CERN thinking it would be the leader, and... one vote! I guess swallowing the planet in a black hole just doesn't cut it anymore these days... maybe it was too early in the year to get enough response...

I voted Meyer. It's just too evil, and woefully, too far reaching. I can't even get around it.

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If you've been mod-o-fied,
It's an illusion, and you're in-between.
Don't you be tarot-fied,
It's just alot of nothing, so what can it mean?
~Frank Zappa

Sins exist only for people who are on the Way or approaching the Way

I've gotta go with Stephanie Meyer too. It's bad that she writes terrible books. It's so much worse that a large percentage of idiotic, loud, teenage girls will not shut up about them. And then an idiotic loud person who is not a teenage girl but my english teacher...

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