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Hey I hope this isn't considered spam or against the forum rules but...

I've seemed to have lost my way in the confusion of the world. I was one like all of us a little kid with no worries I had my mom and my sister Tina around all the time. I had the rest of my family both my moms side and my dads side they divorced shortly after I was born. My brothers 2 my sisters 3. But then the trouble started Tina died she was about 22 or 24. It's kind of hard to remember cause so much has happened since but...

I've been confused about my gender as y'all know even before Tina died I was. When in school I was put in special ed about the 3rd grade and got lost in the school system only to drop out in the third year of 9th grade.

My one of my brothers Anthony moved in when I was about 12 or 13 he was paranoid schizophrenic he would hurt me and my mom we even once had a restraining order put on him until...

He came home one night bleeding he had been beat up and we took him to the hospital. It turned out all his problems were caused by a hole in his heart preventing him from getting oxygen to the brain. That was 5 or 6 years ago. After that he was like one of my best friends. We played a few video games together mostly Pac Man, Ms. Pac Man and Mortal Kombat 1 to 3 oh yea and Street Fighter 2.

But getting on he died last year he was 39. leaving me my mom's last child. I've been in church about 4 years I thought I had everything straightened out I had tons of friends there. I also had just quit wicca after being threatened by people I thought were friends after being warned by my best friend that they were a cult and would kill me. He was the only one that really understood me and he just moved out of my state.

So here I am my mom's last child. My dad who does except me as his but says I'm not his and refuses to do a blood test. I'm of course transgendered and go to a Baptist church which everyone but my best friend thinks is the best thing for me. And my best friend moved out of town.

Leaving me at the question why do we exist and what for. Does anyone have advice on how I could be happy without my mom dying from her depression? I'm all she has left and vise versa. And all she talks about is that I'll escape my transgender life and marry a straight woman. Sorry for this being so long and for any typos I'm just depressed as you know what.


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I treasure those who I love that love me in return. <3

You're asking a question that people have been trying to answer for as long as they're had the language to ask it. I'm sure that the people on this board have a wide range of opinions on this from the secular to the spiritual. I personally try not to wonder why it is we are here and just make the best of it. For me, what's important in life is to enjoy what I do, learn a lot, and get married and have children. What's important to you? What would you like to get out of life?

If you are feeling depressed, I'm glad you're making an attempt to talk it out. I may not have answered your question very well, but I just wanted to you to know that people are listening (reading).


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Wha? Thanks to me?

Quote (seraphimdreamer777 @ 2nd May 2010 00:22)

Hey I hope this isn't considered spam or against the forum rules but...

I've seemed to have lost my way in the confusion of the world. I was one like all of us a little kid with no worries I had my mom and my sister Tina around all the time. I had the rest of my family both my moms side and my dads side they divorced shortly after I was born. My brothers 2 my sisters 3. But then the trouble started Tina died she was about 22 or 24. It's kind of hard to remember cause so much has happened since but...

I've been confused about my gender as y'all know even before Tina died I was. When in school I was put in special ed about the 3rd grade and got lost in the school system only to drop out in the third year of 9th grade.

My one of my brothers Anthony moved in when I was about 12 or 13 he was paranoid schizophrenic he would hurt me and my mom we even once had a restraining order put on him until...

He came home one night bleeding he had been beat up and we took him to the hospital. It turned out all his problems were caused by a hole in his heart preventing him from getting oxygen to the brain. That was 5 or 6 years ago. After that he was like one of my best friends. We played a few video games together mostly Pac Man, Ms. Pac Man and Mortal Kombat 1 to 3 oh yea and Street Fighter 2.

But getting on he died last year he was 39. leaving me my mom's last child. I've been in church about 4 years I thought I had everything straightened out I had tons of friends there. I also had just quit wicca after being threatened by people I thought were friends after being warned by my best friend that they were a cult and would kill me. He was the only one that really understood me and he just moved out of my state.

So here I am my mom's last child. My dad who does except me as his but says I'm not his and refuses to do a blood test. I'm of course transgendered and go to a Baptist church which everyone but my best friend thinks is the best thing for me. And my best friend moved out of town.

Leaving me at the question why do we exist and what for. Does anyone have advice on how I could be happy without my mom dying from her depression? I'm all she has left and vise versa. And all she talks about is that I'll escape my transgender life and marry a straight woman. Sorry for this being so long and for any typos I'm just depressed as you know what.

Wow Seraphim, heavy subject. I will try to offer what I can.

First off, I am not transgendered, nor do I even know anyone who is. I do, however, support the group at my college who is in favor of GLBT rights. There isn't much I can do to help other then give a bit of advice. Recently, I had a bit of an identity crisis (over religion). For awhile, I felt like I was alone in the world. I had the support of my wife who was going through the same thing, but other then that, we felt alone. The biggest thing that helped us get through it was finding support. Reading what other people had gone through, and knowing that I was not alone. That helped us get through it, and it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off our shoulders after that. I don't know more about your situation then your post, but after a quick google search, I thought maybe this website might be able to offer you a little direction. Though it may mean nothing to you, being some stranger out in the middle of nowhere, but I offer my support in your search to find out who you are.

I also had a brother who was a paranoid schizophrenic durring my pre-teen/teen years. It ended up fracturing my world as my parents did what was necissary to protect me and my younger sister from him. While he is on medication now, and is nothing like he was in those years, I still have a hard time being around him. For that matter, I can only offer my sympothy and understanding of what you may have gone through.

I know nothing of you, your mother, or your relationship with her, however, I do believe that you need to find your "happiness". What ever that may be, you need to look inside yourself and see what you want. For awhile, I felt very smothered by my mother. Even as an adult, she felt she needed to try and guide my life, expecting to know where I was, and what I was doing at all times. There was a point just after I was married that I wanted to cut all ties with my mom. She made the decission to back off instead of losing me forever. All this was in an effort for me to find my "happiness". Dealing with my religious confusion (I consider myself agnostic now, not believing in a higher power, but being open to the idea that there may be more to the world then we as humans are able to comprehend. I refuse to walk with "blind faith" in a religion though.) and my family issues, having the support and love of my wife, and understanding that I am not alone in this world has all lead me down the path towards my "happiness". I don't need to act like someone I'm not. I have a beautiful wife, who has given me a beautiful son, and we are slowly heading down the road of life, together.

Take what you will from this, but the basic conclusion I am trying state is worry about yourself first. You need to find your "happiness". If you are worried about your mother, know this. If you are all she has left, and you aren't happy with your life, she still may lose you.

Good luck on your search, and I hope my post may have been of help to you.

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"And that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped” -Sir Bedevere the Wise

Well I did try a transgender social networking site even met someone on there but after a while we quit talking. She quit responding to my messages so I don't know.

As far as the faith issue I've always believed there was something out there. Examples when I was little I believed TV, movies and video games were like windows to other worlds and hoped to someday travel to them. I know it sounds way out there but I was a kid at the time.

Second my family raised me in and out of church so then when my sister died I blamed god. Maybe I watch to much anime or play too many games.But when I blamed god I wanted to become some what of an angel demon hybrid demi god of some sort and destroy him satan and Jesus and bring peace to the world.

Thus comes to the point of how I fell into wicca hoping to use it as a tool to become that. But ultimately a wiiccan who put a knife to my throat and ask if I trusted her.(I later saw a similar thing done in the movie The Craft of which I think she was copying) I was stupid enough to go along with it even tried to bite the knife and later on they started treating me really mean and threaten me because of one woman that I had a crush on that was using me.

So I went solo my mom pushing me to go to church finally did just to try it out made friends with people there and took it as god changing my life of which I think I'm only happy at church because of my friends there.

Quote

Take what you will from this, but the basic conclusion I am trying state is worry about yourself first. You need to find your "happiness". If you are worried about your mother, know this. If you are all she has left, and you aren't happy with your life, she still may lose you.

Two things that keep me from exploring myself or how ever you might say it is like I said I'm my mom's last child my other brother and sisters are my dad's. and my mom suffers of depression same as me. So I'm worried she might kill herself if A I do something to pursue my alternate lifestyle or B I do something stupid and get killed over it. Second Other than my friend that moved I have no one to fall back on if I lose all my friends at church. So i'd be a loner then with no place to go thats safe.

And I don't know how to live without believing in something of a supernatural basis God,magic,spirits or whatever.

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I treasure those who I love that love me in return. <3

Seraphim, I'm not really sure what to tell you, other than my own opinion. It may or may not help you, so take it as you will.

I personally, do not believe in a higher power. I don't have any use for religion or things of that nature. I won't go into the details of that, because this isn't an attempt to alter your view on that in any way. If you are content to believe what you do, and you feel that it makes you a better person, then by all means, please continue to do so.

Now that we got that out of the way, maybe you can see where I'm coming from when I say that not everything has a silver lining. I think you are asking a question that many before you have asked, expecting to get a magical 'happy ending' answer in return. I don't think that this is always the case. I personally do not think we were created, nor do I think that we were created for a purpose, but I can say that I know that we can create purpose for ourselves.

I'm sure that you have things you would like to do in your life time. You may have things that you would like to do in order to help others. In the end, your purpose is for you to decide. I would advise that you take a look at your life, the past and the present. See what direction you are going, and ask yourself, 'When I'm 75 years old, will I reflect on my life with regret, or will I look into my past and feel as though I can die knowing that I fulfilled my purpose in life?'

Like I said, I can't offer you a silver lining. I don't think anyone can honestly offer that to you. If you want it, you will have to make it for yourself. Set goals for yourself, for your future. Do your best to fulfill those goals, and maybe, when you're older, you will be able to reflect on your life and be sure that you had a purpose, a purpose you were able to fulfill.

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Climhazzard is the timeless evil robot who runs some of the cool stuff at CoN (mostly logging chat, since there are no quizzes at the moment), all the while watching and waiting for his moment to take over the world. -Tiddles

I hate to be concise, and please don't take this as cold or anything of that nature, but, we are here because of chance. What you do with that chance is entirely up to you. No one can guide you or tell you which path to walk. The fact that at the end of the day you are the one making the decisions is all that matters. Whatever you decide to do in this life, with this chance, do so with the knowledge that you must look yourself in the eye each and every day and live with the consequences of your actions. Fate, destiny, predetermination, all just ways people attempt to answer the very question you have posed.

We all want to know what to do with our chance, but once you cast your chip there is no turning back, so take the ups and the downs and roll with them. Life is hard on us, so very hard. We have to slowly gain the ability to accept those hardships and overcome them. Loss is unavoidable, as is grief, but how you handle those situations determines your own level of maturity and growth. None of us can live for you, or tell you how to live. That is something you have to do on your own.

This post has been edited by Nytecrawla on 3rd May 2010 12:28

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This is a webcomic and gaming blog where I rant about nonsense. Enjoy.

I was a soldier, now I just play one in video games.

It's good that you're posting something like this here. I once read a great idea which explains that a stable and balanced human being must converse and sometimes draw support from a varied mix of family, friends and complete strangers, which is exactly why I like the CoN so much, all ye' strangers out there. So even if you don't particular agree with anything else I or anyone says, just by writing your posts you're helping yourself.

In my experience mothers should know the very minimum of what's really going on and an abundance of good information from your life. My mum's great at solving long but minor problems and likes hearing my funny tales but if I told her the real problems, namely that I seem to be a compulsive bastard and fall out with every girl that cares about me, she would either worry about me or dismiss it as the girl's fault while secretly worrying about it anyway. Everyone gets to a certain age where they must take care of their mother. Just from what you say at the end of the first post, my advice is be mature and handle your life with her in a way that won't upset her. You'll probably be happier as a result. But, regardless, it sounds like your mother is more upset about other things than your life...

Quote (seraphimdreamer777)

And I don't know how to live without believing in something of a supernatural basis God,magic,spirits or whatever.

I know someone who just this weekend has gone through a period where he's had a crisis of confidence in the church and is doing an REM. It's a feeling that you're living for your fellow man rather than some higher power, apparently. There's a brilliant stand-up where Dylan Moran shouts that when we're dating, our bodies are thinking: "THE RACE MUST CONTINUE. THE RACE MUST CONTINUE." To be honest that's all I see us living for, reproduction and the continuation of the species, but that doesn't have to be Darwinian, it can be anything, causes to fight for, community work (whatever the f that means), charity, volunteering or any innovation in our current lives. I want to exist to make the world better for my children and the children of others, because I love humans and I love how we dominate the world, dominate all other life, developed to live in every hostile climate and will continue to do so until the end of time. Eventually everything we rely on will be replicated. I'm proud to live as the king of the world and I live to make it better for us.

And here's some other mildly relevant advice that you might like. A great friend and tutor of mine once told me that God gave us the awesome power to destroy ourselves and everything around us for a reason. The extent to which we destroy unlocks an equal amount of creative ability on the positive side. It might sound like artistic nonsense or something found in the back pages of Fight Club, but I hold that to be true. Embrace anything that hurts you as opening your mind to what you can now achieve and create. People who've had it easy are usually uninspired.

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Scepticism, that dry rot of the intellect, had not left one entire idea in his mind.

Me on the Starcraft.

Hey guys tanks for the advice I don't know how much it will change. I mean like I said though I don't have many safe outlets to living anyway I want. Meaning I only have Christian friends and family members. I had one friend like I said who saw me for who I am and would have safely helped me out of my shell.

Maybe someday if whatever if anything that controls fate puts either that friend back or another into my life that can help me get out where I'd be happiest maybe I'll find my way. Other than that I'll probably stay the way I am. I don't know.

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I treasure those who I love that love me in return. <3

Life is what we make it out to be. For example, my life is defined by subjects such as music, Deism, video games, art, computers, history and so forth. So, I live my life for those things, and thus is what keeps me from doubting my purpose. You can still make some sort of meaning of your life. What things interest you? Who are the people that make you feel happy and inspire you to live life day by day? You have to ask yourself these questions that I have asked myself, too.

Now, on the subject of religion... (If you are sensitive to my harsh criticism of it, you are reading this at your own risk.)

Possible spoilers: highlight to view

The Holy Bible (from what I have discovered) is nothing but a stock of total lies and illiterate contradictions. I don't recommend you continue to hang around right-wing rednecks whose only purpose is to make you a pawn to some angry god who punishes his own children if they die "sinful" or "unsaved."

Really, if you look at it, if an "all-knowing" and "all-loving" god like Yahweh created us, and doesn't want us to burn in "Hell", then why make it so we naturally "sin" against the "intentions" of our creator? That doesn't make sense. In the "good ol' book", Yahweh is clearly portrayed as a sexist, homophobic, big-bully murderer who even tried to convince Satan that Job would continue to worship him (Yahweh), so he took over, and thus Job lost everything: his family, his friends and his possessions.

This "bet" was made to "prove" to Satan that Job would still worship his god, regardless of the cruelties he just went through. Is this what an "all-loving" and "all-knowing" god would do? Did he have to be that stupid to prove to one of his own creations a point? This story is best left as a metaphorical "philosophy", but it is just one of the many horrible things about Christianity.

Religion attempts to scare outsiders into absolute mental slavery, and thus your mind is not allowed to question or to reason with the bullshit you were force-fed to believe in. Trust me, I've been there. But I thankfully saved myself years ago, thanks to a wonderful word known as logic. Being a freethinker is anything but a depression. Get the fear of some imaginary lake of fire off your chest before you damage yourself.

You may be "confused" by your unwanted sexuality or gender, but you are still a human being, much like the rest of us. We all make mistakes every now and then, so there is no need to feel worthless. The problem is that you are feeling "bad" just because of how society looks down upon you, but you should stop giving a damn what others say or think about you that makes you feel so bad. Find a positive support group for your "flaws."

Quote (Allen Hunter @ 4th May 2010 12:20)

Find a positive support group for your "flaws."

Yes, and you should find one that is going to help you accept who you are and find ways to deal others who refuse to accept you as well. I would strongly discourage going to some unaccredited group like Ex-Gay Ministries, or any other group that is run by people with a six week certificate in theology who believe they have a divine gift that makes them more knowledgeable than a licensed psychologist on matters like this. As I've mentioned to you before, organizations like that will only serve to confuse you more.
If you want to find your purpose in life, don't go to a group like that. They will only try to tell you what they think your purpose should be, instead of leading you into the act of finding your purpose on your own.

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Climhazzard is the timeless evil robot who runs some of the cool stuff at CoN (mostly logging chat, since there are no quizzes at the moment), all the while watching and waiting for his moment to take over the world. -Tiddles

Wow.....Personally thats a lot of personal stuff to put in a chat site but honestly that story really got to me a little. I'm not a transgender person but I can understand where you're coming from, I'm mixed with black, white and plenty of other stuff so I don't always fit in and society will always look at me and say "He's black" at first sight. But I learned not to give a damn because no one can judge me except for god, I learned that if you want something in life that you have to really want it and go after it. I really feel for you because I don't really know how to help you, I've been depressed before plenty of times, hell we all have. But we keep on going, we make the best out of life, we don't just give up and die because it's no better than running away.

Do what makes you happy, do what makes you feel right, find something you like to do and achive it. Life is one giant test, and it's up to us to pass that test, we have to write our own stories. Now as for why we exist.....thats a question I've asked myself many times last school year when a felt somewhat like you. I can't tell you the reason everyone exists but I can tell you why I exist, it's because god created me to live. He created me to have fun, date people, enjoy life, everything. I exist to achive my own goals, my own goals is to publish Dark Fantasy when I get done typing it, be a software engineer, probably a actor or model, I exist to be Reggie Demonte Kaszczyszyn. You have to find yourself and your own reason to exist, only you can do it, and i'm rooting for you, and everyone else who needs help. If you need me search for me on myspace or send me a message. I hope I helped.

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Without darkness there can be no light, so how can darkness be truly evil?

Well I know I've kind of avoided getting into this topic anymore but thought about it last night. Me and my mom were watching I think Inside Edition or something like that and my mom started crying about the fattest man on earth. She asked if there is a god then why does he let this stuff happen. Well anyways I don't know if I'll ever let go of my faith.

Though if anything happens to my mom maybe I'll find a way to get out of this brainwashing that I think has come over me. After all a couple of friends outside of my church say it seems more like a cult. I think that as long as I have my mom and the church around though I'm stuck but it's my choice to stay where I'm at.



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I treasure those who I love that love me in return. <3

Quote (seraphimdreamer777 @ 22nd May 2010 13:37)

She asked if there is a god then why does he let this stuff happen.

...If?

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The Unoriginal White Sheet

-Master ZED

Quote (seraphimdreamer777 @ 22nd May 2010 21:37)

She asked if there is a god then why does he let this stuff happen.

Quite simple:
If God does indeed exist, he created the World, and all of its inhabitants, as a self-supporting structure, that does not require his assistance to keep being. For this very purpose he gave Man free will, and it is Man that does things like this. Making corrections and preventing things like this would be against the entire point of Creation.

As for the main topic question, I'll quote Ayron's "2085", pay particular attention to the bold parts.
Don't give up
Remember how we felt
Fire rushing through our veins

Now's the time
To rise up from our hell
Now's the time to free our brains

The meaning of life is to
Give life meaning
go too fast, move too slow.

Restore the balance
Between thinking and feeling
Open up and let it flow

Also, even if you should lose your religion, you should never throw away your Faith, since Faith gives strenght to Heart and Mind.

Also, this:

Quote (Reggie)

Now as for why we exist.....thats a question I've asked myself many times last school year when a felt somewhat like you. I can't tell you the reason everyone exists but I can tell you why I exist, it's because god created me to live. He created me to have fun, date people, enjoy life, everything. I exist to achive my own goals, my own goals is to publish Dark Fantasy when I get done typing it, be a software engineer, probably a actor or model, I exist to be Reggie Demonte Kaszczyszyn.

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"I fell off the mountain of words at around the 10,000ft mark. Tell my family...they owe me money." -Narratorway

"If you retort against this, so help me God I'll shove any part of your anatomy I can find into some other part. Figuratively, of course." - Josh

"We have more, can deliver tuesday." - Del S

Good old CoN

Well yesterday I got me some clothes to wear and I've been discussing my issues with someone on another forum. Though I'm not sure but I think I came off too needy or flamboyant being I like the color pink and express it or something cause he hasn't been answering more of my E-mails. Maybe he hasn't had a chance I can be insecure sometimes.
But still I guess I'm taking steps in the right direction I hope! Thank you everybody here for the support.

I just wish I had made these decisions before I joined any forums cause I would have chose a different name. Oh well too late now but anyways I also wanted to apologize about bringing this thread up in another I think people here know which one I'm talking about . I know that people on forums look down on that I guess I can be self centered though especially when I get depressed.

Oh well with everything aside I guess I better get to checking other posts see what else is up.

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I treasure those who I love that love me in return. <3