Edit: Caught my own spelling mistake and grammar error.

I'm trying to write in the theme of Noir for the time period of hotel dusk is 1980's. I ran out of good verbs and am trying to rediscover the flame. I feel it when I read it but I cant find a good bridge. Well, here it is.
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Another day, another foreign bed

Kyle Hyde found himself lying in a single bed at the Empire Motel of outer Los Angeles. It was a cardboard box shellacked in dingy white paint and floral bedspreads. His mouth tasted ash and his mind was filled with billowy smoke.

One hand covered his face to protect it from the peel of thunder that shot across the sky on this wet November day. It seemed to cry endlessly from low hanging clouds that grazed across gray sky.

A loud crude knock interrupted the quiet melancholic serenity of the room. "Call for you, Mr. Hyde!"

Kyle Hyde slid his knees over the side of the bed sitting up he was wearing the same clothes he wore last night. A maroon blazer emblazoned with a white crown and the small white letters semi-spherical underneath it that read "Red Crown". His off white dress shirt was disheveled and wrinkled with a tie that seemed inappropriate in red stripes. It was a candy cane of goodwill or funeral inheritance. His pants clung high in static revealing his socks and the ebony dress shoes of his profession.

Standing up was easily done it was the steps he needed to make afterward that were hard. He sharply staggered towards the barricade door that was the same dingy white as the walls.
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For anyone whose familiar with hotel dusk the phone call is Rachel from HQ and I'm trying to bridge the idea of him leaving the room to go take the phone call. So I'm looking for criticism and advice of the noir setting. Please be constructive and no simply like/dislike.

Well, Duo out.

This post has been edited by Duo_Dragoon on 30th November 2010 17:39

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