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I've been away for a very long time writing a story. I am currently stuck in a sequence I have written it out but am not pleased with it. I also want critiquing for the part I am happy with.

Prelude.

Everyone knows of the world and speaks of it in there daily lives because without this planet there wouldn't be humans or animals or even the tiniest inkling of life. Many people speak of the world as if they know it or somehow it revolves around them, well the world does revolve around each person but what they know is only a tiny bit of the picture. What if there was two earths instead of one? Maybe there might be another you in the world or perhaps they took a different road in history many of these things are unsure but as many universes as there are possibilities.

Chapter One.

A little town sit in the most peculiar place, it was on what appeared to be was a large circular chunk of land separated from shore only connected by a bridge. Under the bridge was a large gorge that separated the lands. At the bottom were large hooks and anchors keeping the island attached. The town situated on the rock had a large wall facing towards the abyss as if to keep the town from sliding off. The reason they called it the abyss was because the land was stuck in a never ending night. The town to simulate light shot large beam from lanterns into the sky when it was designated night they would turn the lanterns off. The town was inhabited by many night creatures such as vampires and werewolves. These creatures lived in a false harmony they pretended as if nothing ever happened when the truth was the town was a giant skirmishing ground for the clans trying to claim it as there own. Amongst these clans was one called "Barai" their leader was a unique woman they called her Lady Uta. Her clan was always at war with another clan called "Knoknass" and there leader was a man named Dalian. The barai were always fighting with knoknass because they had a feud with the previous clan master. The original master Barai just up and left with no explanation leaving Lady Uta in his place. She ran the clan with a steel will and horrific powers. She punished her own worse than her enemies. Her friends though were turning into her worst enemies.

Late one night Lady Uta was called out to a meeting over her own striking out at the knoknass. No one was seriously injured but none the less she had to pay for her clans mistakes. She was making her way to the Clan meeting building to meet with Dalian as she was about there she noticed the moonlight reflecting of the face of the town clock tower which bathed the city in a warm mellow light. A perfect night for a devil's scare it stirred her blood for a moment but the opening of the door at the base of the clock tower returned her mind to the present situation. A woman exited dressed in robes of burlap she saw lady Uta and gasped before taking off running into a nearby alley. She realized her eyes were glinting in the moonlight a bright blood red she had to shake herself to pull her mind away from human sacrifice and the need to feed. She walked away from the clock tower and into the clan meeting building the walls were a stingy yellow which grew darker as it reached the corners showing the buildings age. On the first floor was 5 meeting rooms each of them had a name for who it was reserved for. The farthest room in the hall was marked "Tsuklian" a poor joke of her name and Dalian of Knoknasses. She reached for the door handle and turned it to the left until she heard a click then she pushed it forward letting herself in. There were two tables in this dankly lit room on her right was Dalian. His sharp facial features with his long black hair shined like oil and his slanted brown eyes portrayed his deceit. On the otherside was a young woman, "Tsuki welcome to the meeting" she turns to see Dalian standing making a bowing gesture. "I didn't come here to be welcomed to hell", She spat back him. She sat down next to woman, "So who the bloody hell are you?" The woman fiddled with the sleeve on her robe for a moment, "I am Dani, I have been called to serve as a mediator." Tsuki dismissed this. "Alright so let this begin", Dalian said smiling. Tsuki sat there in silence as they listed the charges at once Dalian spoke up, "Since Tsuki is there leader I suggest she take the punishment as this is obviously her spite of previous miss passes made. " Tsuki glared at him for a moment, "Dalian there wouldn't be any miss passes if you had accepted me as the new leader of barai.". He smirked for a moment, "Your so bitter about nothing." She stood up at once, "NOTHING!? You tried to kill me and only stopped once I wisped away the souls of your hunters. Even now you continue to torture me." Suddenly there was a knock on the door they both turned and Dalian's voice dispelled the silence, "Come in". A girl in a dark blue dress came forth her, light brown hair gleamed under the sickly yellow light. She curtsied and walked over to the female clan leader.Tsuki leaned over and the girl whispered into her ear. After that Tsuki murmured for a moment before sighing, "Due to new facts brought to my attention I will be forced to accept the conditions of me taking the punishment in place of my guild mates." Tsuki moved to the floor in front of the table. She stood her hands out ready for the punishment.

The punishment scene after this is where it gets me. This is a piece I typed seperately.

A knoknass priest stepped foreward book in hand. He raised his hand drawing a circle the length and width of tsuki uta at that moment the room shatter into an indigo darkness. Tsuki uta bound by the circle gasps in amazement at the skill of his sorcery unaware this was not a spell of punishment. A large slot real appeared high in the sky three numbers were on the slot 1-0-0. The reel began to kick up and spin crazily. As it finally stopped 1 number dropped down changing as it fell into a heart shaped key with the number 8 on it. This key slid down into the hand of the priest he then walked forward holding it tight and thrust it into Tsuki's chest. Her form began to change getting younger until finally she was drapped in clothes that fit like bags obviously too big for her now small stature. Then above her head the two remaining reels turned into feathery cones that began to spray them far into the darkness where she could not see.

The room began to come into sight again but this time she realized the knoknass had fled while she had been preoccupied.

Standing up she realized she had no where to go and this started her adventure.


I would be grateful for any help that may be provided.

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http://www.creativeuncut.com/comic.html
-Hillarious

ok, here's a lot of stuff. hopefully it'll help you, and not make me look super picky.

well, first of all, there are a few issues with commas/grammar. the simple placement of a comma can change the sentance's entire meaning, and they are therefore important. for example:

Quote

He raised his hand drawing a circle the length and width of tsuki uta at that moment the room shatter into an indigo darkness.

this sentance doesn't read too well, because you are attempting to describe too much within the confinement of a simple sentance. if commas are added, the meaning is greatly increased, like so:

Quote

he raised his hand, drawing a circle the length and width of tsuki, and at that moment the room shattered, replaced by an indigo darkness.

secondly, you tend to change tense from past to present on several occassions.
EX.

Quote

A knoknass priest stepped foreward book in hand

is past tense, but after a sentance, you switch into present:

Quote

Tsuki uta bound by the circle gasps

unless there is an actual change in time/perspective, it is essential to keep the same tense throughout the story. generally, i prefer to use the past tense, but present works as well.

I can tell by reading the spell description that YOU know what you want to say, however, since you can picture the event in your head, the description is choppy and incomplete. take a break, look at something else, then come back. slow down when you are writing, and write each sentance at a time. once completed, read it through word by word, outloud think: is there a simpler way i can say this, but still convey the picture i want to the reader? this applies to everything you wrote.

also, the last two sentances (seperate from the paragraph) could be ommitted, or certainly edited. why would dalian flee? what adventure is tsuki starting, and why? for someone who just had 20+ years taken off her life, tsuki isn't really reacting at all. i would either add to this, or ommit it and save it for the next section.


i have one last comment. it's not about the section you required help on, but on the first paragraph of chapter 1. perhaps you like it this way, but i just want to throw in my 2 cents. my advice is the same that i give to everyone who writes fantasy stories such as these: don't drop all your information on them in the first page. hold back whatever isn't 100% essential, for 2 reasons. 1) less confusing stuff right away can help ease the reader into the story. 2) spreading out info in a story can help even out the action, so that something is always being learned/happening to keep the reader involved.

BTW, dont ever ever forget paragraphing! its good for the eyes, and it helps organize things for the writer!

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Most Recently Beat : Elder Scrolls: Skyrim
Favorite Game : Final Fantasy X

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Quote (Duo_Dragoon @ 27th October 2007 07:30)

Standing up she realized she had no where to go and this started her adventure.

Well, for one, you should NEVER, EVER end a story with "and then this happened". Just cut off the whole "and this started he adventure thingy" and the sentence will be 1000x better.

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"So imagine Kefka swearing and yelling that he'll take revenge, but doing so in a way that's... somehow... polite and feminine."