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This is the first time I've written something where I'm not adding in a comedic approach of some sort, so thoughts and opinions are really appreciated.

It's just something I wrote. I write a lot, honestly, but I find myself questioning my structure. I would really appreciate critiques of my style to help me get my points across better. One of my weakest points I think, is that I overuse certain words and I'm not quite sure how to overcome it.

Edit

Changed a few things thanks to RelmArrowney pointing some things out for me and offering her opinion. Thanks RA . Still hoping for more critique from people. This is really a writing exercise for me, I want people to point out the flaws, seriously. Rip into me.

The opening is supposed to have a Twilight Zone narration feel to it, but i'm not sure how well I managed to pull that off.

Fear
By Philip Seals


People say that you can only be affected by what you believe in. That's the general thought of mind when it comes to the occult. It does have some credit towards modern philosophy, the your life is what you make it belief. Voodoo, ghosts, magic, evil children, shadow people, vampires, anything else you might choose, the supposed thing they have in common is that they only exist if you believe that they exist. Think then, how your life would be if you believed in the existence of whatever you read. Some might say you're open minded, others might call you a fool. In the end is it all in your head? One might wonder.

Imagine if you can one such case, a teenager by the name of Derek. A supposed brainiac, highly regarded for his expansive knowledge. He found himself bit by the paranormal bug. He spent nights researching everything he could, learning the theories. Eventually he found himself so involved in his desire to know the unknown that he began to lose sleep. Now, let us enter his mind.

Darkness... the thunder cracks outside, beads of rain flood the ground. All the nights had felt like this for Derek lately. Once, the rain had calmed him. Once, the smell of rain made him feel at peace, but no longer. This shower did nothing but set the mood for his next night of fear. They thought he was going mad, everyone told him he was hearing things... seeing things. But Derek knew better, he knew they were just too ignorant to understand. He understood how people would shut themselves out to such a thing, because that was what society dictated. But the curiosity, the knowledge that something was there even if he couldn't see it, he had to pursue it. Only... he had opened a door he wished he hadn't. Derek believed, he knew they were there now, he could see them, even when the others couldn't. Derek sighed, sitting into his computer chair. He reached into the desk drawer, producing a small tape recorder and setting it to record.

"I finally understand fear..." Derek whispered to the recorder. "I understand how it could drive people mad."

He shook his head slowly a strong sense of helplessness setting in. Eyes were closed in reaction to a bolt of lightning outside.

"We do not fear the dark, we do not fear heights, spiders, or mirrors. No, we fear the results of such things. We fear that accidental trip that sends us flying from the sky and ends with a sickening crunch. We fear the poison that could seep into our veins from such tiny fangs." Derek's hair had begun to stand on end as he said this. "We fear what we cannot see. There is nothing more terrifying than knowing that something is lying in wait for you, and not being able to see it."

A chill ran up his spine, causing him to shiver for a moment. Derek glanced away from the tape recorder, eyes darting around the room, trying vainly to witness the shadows staring at him from just beyond his eyesight.

"I can't ask anyone for help, they'd just think I'm crazy. These things, to me they're so real, yet the others aren't aware of their existence. I'm seeing them more and more, watching, waiting, such a sinister presence I can't help but feel they want to end my life." Derek paused, eyes glancing around once more. "I can find peace no longer, they've infested my dreams, they want me. In my dreams they come to take me, each time I barely escape by waking up. When I do I feel smothered. It can't all be in my head, it feels more like I've disabled some protective barrier my mind had created and now I've let them all pour in."

"I know I shouldn't do this but... I can't stop myself." Derek whispered to himself.

Promptly, he set the tape recorder back onto his desk. He made sure that it was still recording.

"Who are you?" Derek asked.

"Why are you here?"

"What do you want?"

He paused for a moment, allowing whatever he questioned to answer. As he reached forward for the recorder, he could feel a strong gaze upon him. He quickly pressed the stop button and looked around the room. Somewhat relieved to see nobody there he rewound the tape and hit play.

"Who are you?" The tape played. There was no answer.

"Why are you here?"

A heavy static replied, the only thing Derek could make out of it was "Lost"

"What do you want?"

Another heavy static reply, to Derek it almost sounded like they had said "We... want... you..."

Chills ran through his spine again, a feeling of helplessness overwhelming him. Outside, a huge crack of thunder was followed by a massive rip of lightning brightening up the sky and all the land underneath. Through the window, for that brief moment everything was lit up, Derek thought he saw a little girl standing in his yard, staring through his window. But with the return of the darkness she was gone. A few moments more and a loud explosion was heard, accompanied by the electricity dying immediately.

"Sounds like a transformer just blew..." Derek sighed a bit "This does not bode well."

Derek rose and made for the door out of his bedroom. He inched the door open barely peeking his head into the hallway.

"Mom?" He yelled "Mom do we have any flashlights?"

He then recalled that she was taking care of his grandfather for the night, meaning he was all alone. Feeling depression sink in, he promptly shut his door and locked it. With nothing else to do he figured he should just try to sleep.

"Maybe.... maybe they won't come for me tonight." Derek whispered as he sunk into his mattress.

Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

It sounded like someone was climbing the stairs. Derek's eyes shot open in response.

"Just the house settling." Derek told himself "Nothing to concern yourself with."

Thump

Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

It sounded like the stairs again. Derek's mind began going a mile a minute, trying to rationalize everything that he feared, everything he had reluctantly begun to believe in. The wind outside began to blow fiercely, causing a whistling sound. The whistling was soft, but long, it had a tone to it. When he heard it, he couldn't help but think he heard it whistle "Deeeereeeeeeeek"

"You're just matrixing" Derek whispered to himself "Your mind is taking things that have a pattern and trying to make it something you know. There's nothing to be afraid o-"

SLAM, something hit his window hard. Derek sat up in bed to look, he was shaking.

"The wind it's... it's blowing so hard that it blew the tree branch into your window..."

"Deeeeeereeeeeeeeeeeeek" The wind whistled once more.

The shadows were settling in the corners of his eyes again They took a humanoid figure, but disappeared instantly as Derek glanced over.

"The storm is just getting to me. I should go wash my face."

He climbed out of bed and walked edgily to his door. After unlocking the door, he opened it and peeked out into the hallway, checking it before actually entering it.

"See? Nothing there."

Feeling relief wash over him; he made his way to the bathroom, stumbling a bit in the dark hallway. A few moments and he managed to feel his way into the bathroom. He bent over the sink, hand fumbling briefly for the cold faucet. The tap began to run, Derek cupped his hands beneath it to splash it into his face.

Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

The stairs again, why couldn't they just settle? Derek reached for a towel and dried his face off before heading back to his room. Upon returning, he sat on the bed and began to try regaining his composure.

"Is this real? Is it all in my head? I can't... I can't tell anymore. It feels like they're coming for me. But who are they? Shadow people? Ghosts? What do they want from me?-"

Creaaaaaaak. Derek's door slowly opened, a jolt of fear and adrenaline ran through him as he glanced up to witness the door open, nothing behind it.

"It's getting to you now." Derek panted, trying to calm himself down.

The fear was exhausting him; he laid down on the bed once more. He didn't want to sleep; he knew they were just waiting for him, but the strength to stay awake wasn't there anymore. A small yawn was given before he passed out.

Hours passed, Derek had become drenched in sweat. The rays of the sun were barely lighting the sky, allowing a dim grey light to fill the room.

"No!" Derek shouted, sitting upright in his bed.

He began panting and taking deep breaths, trying to calm himself. He felt a sharp pain shoot through his chest, his hands moved across it in response. Fingertips traced thin scratches across his chest, a sense of dread overcame Derek.

"It's nothing..." he whispered to himself "You just scratched yourself in your sleep."

Slowly, he shook his head. His eyes were watering. Tears began to slowly slide down his cheeks.

"I made it through the night." He sobbed gently. "I don't know if I can take that again..."



This post has been edited by Zero_Hawk on 17th August 2007 14:56

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This one time I punched a bear in the forehead TO DEATH! I still have the scars on my chest. I am the manliest man that ever did man.

League: Z3roHawk
Steam: Zero_Hawk
Wii U: Zero_Hawk
FF14 - Goblin - Zero Hawk <Fiend>

This is a spoof of "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" that I wrote for Halloween a while ago.

It's The Most Horrible Time Of The Year

It's The Most Horrible Time Of The Year
When the vampires are roaming
And zombies are groaning "One choked on a spear!"
It's The Most Horrible Time Of The Year
It's the sca -scariest nightmare of all
With those midnight blood drinkings and all day ghost dreamings
While wolfmen stand tall!
It's the sca -scariest nightmare of all

There'll be houses for haunting
Preachers for taunting
And demons from hell
There'll be evil for miles
And piles and piles of
Bones, big, and small

It's The Most Horrible Time Of The Year
With the dead men I'm hanging
Their skeletons dangling
They'll fill you with fear
It's The Most Horrible Time Of The Year

There'll be houses for haunting
Preachers for taunting
And demons from hell
There'll be evil for miles
And piles and piles of
Bones, big, and small

It's The Most Horrible Time Of The Year
With so much evil showing
That hearts start exploding
The dead ones are here
It's The Most Horrible Time
It's The Most Horrible Time
It's The Most Horrible Time Of The Year

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This one time I punched a bear in the forehead TO DEATH! I still have the scars on my chest. I am the manliest man that ever did man.

League: Z3roHawk
Steam: Zero_Hawk
Wii U: Zero_Hawk
FF14 - Goblin - Zero Hawk <Fiend>