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Read updated story here

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3417349/1/The_...of_Yin_and_Yang

This post has been edited by Frozen_Aura on 20th January 2012 02:10

I really like it. It's a good way to do an opening introduction. You can almost see the stereotypical train scene, where the character is absently staring out the window, having a soliloquy.

The first person narrative is a bold one, too. I also detect some small foreshadowing already, which if done this early, can be good.



This post has been edited by MogMaster on 27th January 2007 09:02

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If you've been mod-o-fied,
It's an illusion, and you're in-between.
Don't you be tarot-fied,
It's just alot of nothing, so what can it mean?
~Frank Zappa

Sins exist only for people who are on the Way or approaching the Way

deleting old version

This post has been edited by Frozen_Aura on 20th January 2012 02:11

..

This post has been edited by Frozen_Aura on 20th January 2012 02:12

This is pretty good. Well written, multiple viewpoints, and doesn't seem like it's going to pull any punches. Just what I like.

One small niggle, though, a part of Chapter 2.

Quote

Sabin laughed as he took a sip of Arrowny’s finest. “Yep. Those kids never cease to humor me, though they are not quite kids anymore. Not like when we first met them anyway”. He abruptly stopped laughing and looked over at me. “Oh sorry. I forgot. The talk of kids is not an easy subject for you, considering that you miss your own.”

I sipped my drink and returned his concerned look. “Sabin. Talk of children is fine. But referring to those I once took care of as ‘mine’ is what I want to avoid. They are not my children and they never were. For me to call them such was simply the result of my emotional clinginess and neediness. I realized that when that man showed up

The dialgoue there seems a bit laboured and too formal for a conversation, especially one involving Sabin.

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"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

Thank you for the insight, Del S.

How do you mean to laboured and formal? Sabin changed his tone and put on a serious face when he thought that he was bringing up a subject to Terra that she was really sensitive about. Terra's response was simply matter of fact, and when she answers, she is reminded of her own mistake, that being her once referring to the orphans as hers.

How would you better phrase this section to get the same point across?

Again, thank you for your words. I always like it when comments and critques are specific.

Perhaps laboured is the wrong word, but the lack of contractions and the to-the-point aspect of the sentences makes it seem unusual for a conversation.

I'd write it like this:

Quote

Sabin laughed as he took a sip of Arrowny’s finest. “Yep. Those kids never cease to humor me, though they're not quite kids anymore. Not like when we first met them anyway.” He abruptly stopped laughing and looked over at me. “Oh sorry. I forgot.Talk of kids isn't easy for you, since you miss yours.”

I sipped my drink and returned his concerned look. “Sabin, talk of children is fine. But calling those I once took care of  ‘mine’ is what I want to avoid. They're not my children, and they never were. For me to call them that was just because of my emotions.

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"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

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This post has been edited by Frozen_Aura on 20th January 2012 02:12

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This post has been edited by Frozen_Aura on 20th January 2012 02:13

Nothing to suggest, just keep up the good work.

--------------------

If you've been mod-o-fied,
It's an illusion, and you're in-between.
Don't you be tarot-fied,
It's just alot of nothing, so what can it mean?
~Frank Zappa

Sins exist only for people who are on the Way or approaching the Way

Pretty much what MG said I'm afraid. This is now getting very intresting and I hope it keeps going.

--------------------

"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

Thanks Mogmaster and Del S. I do intend to surprise readers with development of both the world and the characters(some more so than others).

I have also thought of doing some fanart to accompany this fanfic.

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This post has been edited by Frozen_Aura on 20th January 2012 02:15

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This post has been edited by Frozen_Aura on 20th January 2012 02:15

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This post has been edited by Frozen_Aura on 20th January 2012 02:16

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This post has been edited by Frozen_Aura on 20th January 2012 02:16

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This post has been edited by Frozen_Aura on 20th January 2012 02:18

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This post has been edited by Frozen_Aura on 20th January 2012 02:18

I'm still reading, anyhow. I sort of laughed at Fuckupo.

That Cyan speech is a killer. It's so hard to use the correct vernacular when writing his lines. That's partially why I try to minimize his usage in my own fics.

Edit

Edit: 1600 posts? God. Who knew I had 1600 posts worth of opinion in me.

This post has been edited by MogMaster on 25th April 2007 10:00

--------------------

If you've been mod-o-fied,
It's an illusion, and you're in-between.
Don't you be tarot-fied,
It's just alot of nothing, so what can it mean?
~Frank Zappa

Sins exist only for people who are on the Way or approaching the Way

''

This post has been edited by Frozen_Aura on 20th January 2012 02:19

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This post has been edited by Frozen_Aura on 20th January 2012 02:19

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This post has been edited by Frozen_Aura on 20th January 2012 02:19

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This post has been edited by Frozen_Aura on 20th January 2012 02:20

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This post has been edited by Frozen_Aura on 20th January 2012 02:20

And here are the bonuses. Their content should speak for itself.

Oh, that was awesome. I eagerly await the next installment. Also, the monster pictures are a nice touch.

--------------------

If you've been mod-o-fied,
It's an illusion, and you're in-between.
Don't you be tarot-fied,
It's just alot of nothing, so what can it mean?
~Frank Zappa

Sins exist only for people who are on the Way or approaching the Way

Ooooh boy things are just getting even MORE interesting along the way. I agree the pictures are fantastic as well. More please

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Kel'Thuzad: She is persistent. Reminds me of you, death knight.

Arthas:Shut up you damned ghost.

-Warcraft III Kel'thuzad comparing Arthas and Sylvanas Windrunner.

I eagerly await the next chapter. you are an awesome auther. I have eveen bookmarked this topic, and go back here everyday. i love reading ffvi fanfic ^^_ ^^ I like the turtle monster pic, but honestly, i didn't like the other humonoid pic as much. .6ish on the 0-.9 scale for the humonoid, and a .79 for the turtle. qiute good, that gst. the humanoid seems like it is missing something, besides the face, like i don't know, chest spikes, or something. I am no artist. I have evaluated myself as an author, and i can tell, that i pretty much suck at descriptions of any kind, inlcuding making characters, but i am pretty good at evaluating things and characters. your characters are WAYYY too realistic, it's kinda creepy, and the monsters, i can imagine perfectly. I applaud your efforts, and i give you a (5 thumbs up)

EDIT: Could you clarify all of the names that you used? the Sayitroyey thing, the Y'Tyihy'yu thing, and the Reshand thing? something like that. i think that the first one is the name of the planet, the second one, a house design, anf the third, i completely lost. Basically all the names that weren't in the game, besides the characters, and the mining facility Shedidarah. what are the places that you named?!?!

This post has been edited by DR FF DS on 20th October 2007 03:26

I got it! small half-foot spikes on tops of shoulders, and the same on his palms, so when he stabbed with his palms, the opposition got a double trident attack, with 8 claws, thrown in, as well. he he he, i can imagine him stabbing with his pams, digging his claws in, then rotating his hand so the horn on the wrist would peirce the skin, while the claws and palm spikes woulod only go in deeper, causing extreme pain, (maybe add immediete effect numbing poison to spikes), and probably leaving the victim to die a slow and painful death, as the victim bleeds to death. fun to watch, but not experience. You are good at drawing tentacles, they look so natural on such an unnatural creature.

Moderator Edit

Sigh, that's twice you've violated the spam rule; I don't think you read the forum rule as I asked you to before. -R51

This post has been edited by Rangers51 on 20th October 2007 13:16

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Could you clarify all of the names that you used? the Sayitroyey thing, the Y'Tyihy'yu thing, and the Reshand thing? something like that. i think that the first one is the name of the planet, the second one, a house design, anf the third, i completely lost. Basically all the names that weren't in the game, besides the characters, and the mining facility Shedidarah. what are the places that you named?!?!

You are right about the first one. Sayitheren is the name of the planet. And the mining base is Shedairah.

However I am unclear on the other two you are mentioning. Could you maybe copy a sentence that uses them? Also, what else are you curious to know?

Also, how are my characters 'too realistic'?