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I'm asking in all seriousness, for help.

My mother is in her middle to late forties, and won't leave the house. She watches TV and plays on the computer all day. She barely moves. She smokes and eats all day. She won't eat healthy, and she won't even do so much as drink water in replacement for half of the soda that she drinks since 'soda has water in it.' She has gained about fifty pounds in the past year, and my father and I are very aware that she is killing herself. We don't know what to try, and today I begged and pleaded with her to go to an aqua aerobics class with me. I would go too, my father would pay for both of our fees, and she would get someone healthy and wouldn't be so tired all the time. She refused, saying that she wouldn't be caught dead in a bathing suit. Nomatter what I said, she refused to give in and go, despite the fact that I burst into tears and begged her, saying I don't want her to die.

I need ideas of things I can do to help my mom, even though she doesn't seem to want the help.

Please. I'm desperate.

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..DDR..Maine..
..Hikaroo-chan no Deviantart..

<Tiddles> And I love how people suggest "Why not call it my great name?????" when their name is clearly the worst thing ever.
<Tiddles> "How about ; Mozilla Xplorer & Mozilla Xpress."
<Tiddles> How about you die in a fire?

In all seriousness? Cancel your ISP. Make her.... force her.... to realize that there's other things to do besides waste away in front of a screen. I hope everything works out ok.

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Join the Army, see the world, meet interesting people - and kill them.

~Pacifist Badge, 1978

Though I have no experience in any matters like this, but in your situation, I would simply try to take an interest in what she is doing. Ask if you can play the computer games with her as opposed to trying to drag her away from them. Converse with her about TV programs, offer gaming assistance, ask for help with trivial matters like reading through something for you... instead of going directly against her, coax her into wanting to spend time away from the computer.

That said, I have no idea if it would work. You may have even already tried this, so sorry if this hasn't helped. I wish you the best of luck.

First thing, you'll probably have to find something other than water exercises. It would be a wonderful thing for her to do aqua aerobics, however trying to get someone who is very overweight to appear in a bathingsuit is really hard. Instead, try looking for an exercise that she can do in sweats. Anything that doesn't let her look down at herself and see tight clothing or exposed flesh.

Getting someone to stop drinking soda is also difficult. It's a really, really bad habit. What you need to do is limit how much she actually can get. This will probably be hard on you and your dad as well, but you need to buy only small quantities of soda. Cut down the amount you buy by half, and keep cutting it down until you're buying almost no soda at all. If she complains, say clearly that it's for her own good, and don't give in. You don't need to cut her off completely, but since she's hooked on it now, the important thing is to get her back to drinking water. Adding a little lemon juice to water might help if she's one of those people who doesn't drink water because it's "tasteless".

For what she can do to exercise, she'll probably want to start off just being in the house. You have a treadmill, right? Is she at all interested in that? She could easily watch tv while walking on the treadmill. Another good habit is to get her to do stretches. Light stretching for about 5 minutes, once or twice a day, would be a good start, with a little bit of walking before and/or after.

Does she do a lot of housework now? Handwashing dishes, vacuuming, and general cleaning and organizing is good exercise. Gardening is great, for when it's the right time of year. I'm not sure how you would convince her to do more work if she doesn't want to, though.

This one is a longshot, but do you think she'd do DDR? I don't mean in public, but just with you, if you have your own mat.

If she snacks a lot, try occasionally taking away greasy, salty snacks like chips and offering her stove-popped popcorn, or make a simple trail mix (healthy cereals like cheerios, rice krispies, etc, and raisins, nuts, seeds) and just put it beside where she's sitting. Chopped up raw vegetables like green/red/orange/yellow peppers, cucumber and carrots work, too.

You can also try getting her away from the screens by asking her if she wants to make a puzzle with you, or play a board game/card game.

I hope at least some of those help.

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I had an old signature. Now I've changed it.

Elena is right about the water aerobics. It would be best to try a form a exercise that isn't so public or one that you can do inside your own home.

If you could get your mother hooked on DDR I think that would be nice form of exercise. But I guess that would depend on whether she is open to video games or not.

As for getting your mother off soda that could be hard. Soda can be a little addictive, and you probably won't be able to get her to stop drinking so much real quick. It'll take some time. Instead of switching her to water first you might want to think about getting her to drink some juices first. Apple juice, orange juice, something to kinda replace the sweet soda taste. Gradually replace the soda in the house with these healthier juices. Then later try some water with a bit of flavor as Elena suggested.

And getting your mother to exercise while watching TV is another good idea. I used to do that. Stretching, sit-ups, crunches, push-ups, squats, arm curls, any light exercise that will get her blood pumping a little. Encourage her to do exercise during the commercial break. You are willing to exercise with her so that would help too.

"Okay mom, commercial break. Lets do 20-30 sit-ups before the show comes back on."

It might seem like kinda a slow pace, just doing exercise during commercials, but it will get her used to exercising. And its in the privacy of your own home. Of course you'll want to adjust the amount you do depending on her ability to do them.

Once she gets used to exercising it will be easier to get her to do other things. Like going outside for a run or spending longer periods just exercising without the TV.

Also you need to find an active...uh...activity that she enjoys. If she doesn't have one concentrate on the exercising in front of the TV thing. Later try to recommend activities you think she would like or just ask her what she might like.


And I hate to mention this but sometimes when people get fat they get into this mental state of "Well...I'm overweight and there isn't anything I can do about it." So they think exercise and eating healthy are futile practices in their case. And sometimes they get depressed and they just don't care anymore.

If your mother is like this you might want to research some psychology, and get some tips for reversing/changing the way she thinks about her problem.


Hope some of this gives you some ideas.

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-- You're Gonna Carry That Weight --

Your mother is probably entering her menopause. After having had children and nearing her 50s, it's only normal for her behavior to undertake dramatic changes. Most women experience a shorter temper and a lack of patience when they go through that period of their lives.

You shouldn't ask for help on a message board with squaresoft fanboys and fangirls; it's just not the right place. Your mother is going through a period of her life where she simply won't be as active and caring about things as she was a few years ago. If you feel your mother truly has a serious condition, such as violence issues or obssessive-compulsive disorder, contacting a doctor would yeild far better results than posting about it on the internet. Nobody here can help your mother, no matter how willing they are and how positive their intentions are. Only you can, and if she truly has a severe problem, the only way is by contact an authority who can help her.

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"Judge not a man by his thoughts and words, but by
the quality and quantity of liquor in his possession
and the likelyhood of him sharing."

Silverlance, while that is a possibility, from what I know of Hikaroo's mother I don't think this is a case of her approaching/going through menopause. Also, it's a little unfair to dismiss feminine problems as being because of menopause, or menstruation, or pregnancy, etc, and then leave it at that.

As for Hikaroo posting, we are a community here, and this isn't the first time someone has asked for help with something other than games. People post in General Topics about family problems, announcing marriages, what to do when someone close to them dies, health issues, problems with relationships, etc. We also talk a lot about music, anime, sports, school, and other topics that have little or nothing to do with games. We encourage people to talk about their problems and when someone seeks help like this, we try to help them or at least listen to what they have to say.

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I had an old signature. Now I've changed it.

thank you for all of the suggestions.
i appreciate.

and no, a forums isn't always the best place to post things, but she refuses to go to the doctor. so talking to a doctor wouldn't help. that's why we had an episode with her two years ago.

This post has been edited by Hikaroo on 19th March 2005 02:27

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..DDR..Maine..
..Hikaroo-chan no Deviantart..

<Tiddles> And I love how people suggest "Why not call it my great name?????" when their name is clearly the worst thing ever.
<Tiddles> "How about ; Mozilla Xplorer & Mozilla Xpress."
<Tiddles> How about you die in a fire?

I side with Hamedo's suggestion of forcing her to take hold of her life once more. Take away the computer keyboard or mouse to make her do something else; unplug the television; stock the fridge with more vegetables or fruit.

From what I gather, she's self-conscious about how she looks now, so, as people suggested, activities that shy away from the public eye seem like a good idea. Swimming, gardening, yoga, perhaps? "Midnight runs" might work, since it gets her outside and would help get her reaccustomed to exercise.

You've made it explicitly clear to your mom that by hurting herself, she's also affecting you and your father, right? I wouldn't force her into a guilt trip, but if she came to the realization that her inactivity was forcing everyone to a breaking point, she might be more inclined to get active.

I'm sure you already tried that, though.

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It's gonna be a glorious day
I feel my luck can change

I have the same situation with one of my little brothers. Though he's in the beginning stages of it, and your mom seems to be in the later stages. Besides, my method wouldn't work in your situation (I tell him to stop being lazy and hit him until he gets up).
Anyways, on to something helpful.

For food, it depends on the role you personally play in grocery shopping and cooking. If you have greater influence there, then just buy/make healthier things.

If she does housework, get old-fashioned tools. Replace the battery-powered, light-weight vacuum with one of those heavier ones that's sturdier; replace the Swiffer with a broom; replace that Swiffer-looking thing that shoots the chemicals on the floor with a mop and cleaners that won't make you sterile; etc.

I found a good replacement for soda is Ice Tea. While maybe not "healthy," less sugar, non-carbonated, and not caffinated (if you buy the decaf bags) makes it healthier than soda. My family generally doesn't miss soda (probably because of the way I make it; PM me if you're interested in this idea). This is the kind of thing you have to really keep on top of, I've noticed. Whenever we run out, my mom runs to the store; so I make sure we have so much tea that there's no room in the fridge for soda.

Quote (Elena99 @ 18th March 2005 15:59)

This one is a longshot, but do you think she'd do DDR? I don't mean in public, but just with you, if you have your own mat.

This made me laugh. It would almost defenitely work, if you could get her to play, and it would be very successful. Still funny, though.

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"I had to write four novels before they let me write comic books."
-Brad Meltzer

I wanted to help, but couldn't think of anything good, so I asked my mom, who's in her early fifties, for help, and she said the following:

Water aerobic is good for the considerably overweight, giving movement without actually feeling the weight. (although you said your mom already rejected that)

Cut all sugars and fats to the minimum. Since you said she doesn't leave the house, I think she doesn't do the shopping either - cut off her "supplies". Suggested Cambridge diet. (extremely low-calory diet. check it up on the net, I can't find the notes on right now. sorry )

Excerises in the home if she doesn't want to be seen. (This was already suggested repeatedly, but what the heck...) I mean, you've got to have, or be able to get, some excersise videos (aerobics, calanetics, yoga, streching or something like that...), don't you?

As for the motivation problem:
My mom says not to tell her, that she's killing herself, but SHOW her what she's doing to her ORGANISM...(personally, when someone tells me "that's gonna kill you" I just laugh in their face. No offence.)

My suggestion would be insolence, as I suppose you were all nice-like...I seriously mean: whenever I thought my parents needed some movement, or "ignition" in doing something I provoked or irritated them. (Then again, everybody's differrent)

Silverlance: It's a bit insulting to call CoN "fanboys and fangirls". As far as probably everybody here likes Squenix games and such, it's not all they'd think about. CoN CAN very much take on serious matters.

Girls: In Silverlance's defense. This COULD be an effect of menopause. (Stress on "COULD". Please don't hit me!)

Good luck!

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"I fell off the mountain of words at around the 10,000ft mark. Tell my family...they owe me money." -Narratorway

"If you retort against this, so help me God I'll shove any part of your anatomy I can find into some other part. Figuratively, of course." - Josh

"We have more, can deliver tuesday." - Del S

Good old CoN

Damn, I haven´t been in a similar situation and I don`t know this would be the best counsel, but your father and you must convince your mother she`s not healthy, and she got a serious problem, you sit down next to her and talk about it, you have to know what your mother has in her head , what is happening all of the sudden, erase all the games of the computer might not be a good idea, instead talk about how horrible game are, and that stuff...and consulte a professional about the symptomps of her illness, bring a doctor home if she don`t want to go a hospital...a very professional doctor or a very good clinic,for being absolutely sure,for example..never mind she must agree to see a doctor after she realizes she got a problem...it might sound stupid the "she must realize" stuff, but is better prevent than regret....you got to find what`s happening and hope she getting better...

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"Its no cheating if you don't get caught"

I'm going to reiterate my post.

See a professional. You can't judge wether her life truly is going to waste because of personal reasons, psychological reasons, medical reasons, or anything. You do not have that power. All's you can see are the effects of it. And nobody on these boards knows any more than you do, so none of us are even close to being qualified to give you any proper, effective advice that will have an impact on things.

Consult a doctor (edit: yes, you, not her; pick up a phone and ask yourself) with the matter. If she is judged as taking actions detrimental to her health which could have serious repercussions, there are many lawful manners in which intervention can occure to get her out of it. And if it isn't a serious issue, your worries will be put to rest by a professional that DOES know what they're doing.

Again, get some help. Don't wait for someone to hand you the answer all nice and wrapped up with a ribbon. All's we can provide is support. Which may help you, but won't get her anywhere.

This post has been edited by Silverlance on 21st March 2005 00:48

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"Judge not a man by his thoughts and words, but by
the quality and quantity of liquor in his possession
and the likelyhood of him sharing."

... You've propbly thought of this already, but perhaps DDR can do something. If you get it for the console, it can be played in t he pricavy of your own home.

This post has been edited by AnarchistDream on 21st March 2005 04:22

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At times one remains faithful to a cause only because its opponents do not cease to be insipid.
Friedrich Nietzsche (1844 - 1900)

here's a tip on weaning her off the soda: diet. Start replacing all of the soda with diet, then start buying less soda and more juice. Sooner or later, when the fridge doesn't have any coke, she'll get desperate and drink something healthier.

And I wouldn't jump her right into exercise. See if you can coax her into taking walks or jogs (if this wasn't serious, I'd make the obligatory candy bar on a string joke). Or maybe you can buy a DDR pad and get her moving a bit like that. And secure the keys to all cars so she has to walk anywhere she goes.


Another method I think would work is to motivate her with your own example. Get buff, win a trophy at a sports meet, set a track record, whatever. While my last two examples may not be so feasable, make sure she sees that you and your family are all enjoying some activities other than the ones she is doing, and be sure to invite her when she sees them. Let her know she wouldn't be alone in doing this (this will require a lot of effort from Dad ad well as you).
He's a suggestion that I'm sure a few of the others will take offense to, so don't read it if you are a liberal:

Possible spoilers: highlight to view

Have Dad admit that he's not sexually attracted to her anymore. If she has any libido left, that will be a big motivator.

In any case, get a doctor to tell her she is not living a healthy life and she should change. Also, consult a psychiatrist for more advice.

This post has been edited by bahamut0013 on 26th March 2005 05:38

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M777: lightweight 155mm howitzer
3/11 rules over all artillery!