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I write too many stories, don't you agree? It seems that I write about twenty trillion stories and post them, but never get artound to my art. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!

Anyways, here's another unfinished story, written by moi. I've only got the intro, Chapter one and a small chunk of Chapter Two done so far.

Introduction

Though the fact does not show itself often, the mageborn and the nonmageborn often warred with each other. Soldiers constantly fought mages in bloody conflicts, always started every ten years by an evil, immortal mage and a corrupt soldier, geven the power of immortality by the mage. One day, a young mage destroyed both these evils, sealing both their souls inside six crystals containing the elements earth, fire, water, wind, light, and darkness, and scattered them across the world. He had done this with the help of a soldier who accompainied him. However, he had sealed the evil at the cost of his own life. When the soldier came back, he was greeted to congratulations by his people for defeating the evil. Though he maintained until his death that his friend was the true hero, they refused to listen to him, and so he had gotten all the credit for defeating the evil, though he did not want it.
It has been barely two years since that very day. Today, a young magess is working to sharpen her magical skills. Let us follow her and see what happens next...

So, you like so far??

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"No matter what happens, I will always be with you... forever." ---- Pocahontas, Pocahontas

"Only those who are already at the top are rewarded without trying."----- Delita Hyral, Final Fantasy Tactics

http://www.ffshrine.org/fft/fft-midi/1-42-back_fire01.mid ---- My favorite FFT battle song

I can give you some constructive criticism (your text is followed by a carrot, my corrections/suggestions are followed by a hyphen):

>a corrupt soldier, geven the power of immortality by the mage.

- "... a corrupt soldier, given the ..."

>One day, a young mage destroyed both these evils, sealing both their souls inside >six crystals containing the elements earth, fire, water, wind, light, and darkness, >and scattered them across the world.

- First off, you don't need two instances of the word both, there. "...destroyed both of these evils, sealing their souls..." Having it twice is a distracting redundancy, something to keep an eye out for when editing.

- Second, It seems a little odd to divide two souls into six crystals. Did he separate each soul three ways? Why? How does he have this much power? Are all of the mages in your world this powerful, even young ones?

>He had done this with the help of a soldier who accompainied him.

- accompanied

>he was greeted to congratulations by his people for defeating the evil.

- Should be "he was greeted with congratulations from his people". Other suggestions: "He was showered with the gratitude of his people upon his return for deafeating the evil."

>to listen to him, and so he had gotten all the credit for defeating the evil,

- Suggest: "... and so he received all the credit..."

>Today, a young magess is working to sharpen

- Mage doesn't tend to be a gender specific term (ex. Lulu is a black mage, and so is Vivi). It's up to you, of course, if you want to keep magess throughout your story, but most fantasy readers will understand mage to be a man or a woman.

- On another note, this sounds a little like FFV. Is it based on that, or did you just borrow the crystal concept?

- A run through a spell-checker would clear up errors/typos like "geven" and "accompainied", so you should get into the habit of doing that before even posting small pieces like this. Also, keep in mind the spell-checkers are not perfect; you still should go through it yourself and make sure you didn't put then when you meant than, or weather when you meant whether.

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I had an old signature. Now I've changed it.

I don't want to sound mean but I don't think there is another way I could say this... but reading that hurt my head. I found myself reading some of the sentences a few times to try and gather what was being said. But I think Elena99 covered just about everything I could think of.

The idea of it sounds good, it's just the grammer needs a little work.

I'm not 100% sure but isn't the plural of mage "magi" and not "mages"?

Also, "warred with" would probably sound better as "warred against".

Prehaps "nonmageborn" could be worded different: "Those without the magical arts" or "Those lacking innate magical abilities". That was one of the words that just didn't sound right when I read it.

Edit: Overall, for someone of 14 years of age the idea of it all sounds like it should be good.


This post has been edited by Racthoh on 2nd March 2005 06:23

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This is my world: (Got my second chapter up, 3rd Chapter about 80% complete)
http://www3.sympatico.ca/daniel876/homepage.html

Quote (Elena99 @ 1st March 2005 12:11)

- On another note, this sounds a little like FFV. Is it based on that, or did you just borrow the crystal concept?

Never played FF5, sorry.

And I intended to explain the whole soul division thing at the end of the story, but I'll explain it here for you.

Basically, there is a really powerful spell that can seal people's souls inside crystals, like I said. The two people were sort of mummified inside of twelve different colored light beams, six for each, and their souls were absorbed by the beams. However, if you are not powerful enough to handle difficult spells like this, you die, which is what happened to the mage. Trust me, the main heroine won't die (at least not permanently).

And excuse the typos, I hand-wrote this story, I rarely use Word, and I know how to spell half the words I misspell, it's just that my typing stinks. DARN YOU HANDS!!!!!!!

Anyway, Chapter 1 coming soon.

This post has been edited by Kilakandra_DiMenia on 3rd April 2005 19:40

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"No matter what happens, I will always be with you... forever." ---- Pocahontas, Pocahontas

"Only those who are already at the top are rewarded without trying."----- Delita Hyral, Final Fantasy Tactics

http://www.ffshrine.org/fft/fft-midi/1-42-back_fire01.mid ---- My favorite FFT battle song

Chapter One.

Chapter One

Sitting in the basement, reading her spellbook, Silverlili Jason frowned against the darkness. Her candle was beginning to dimmer as the flame began to die on the wick.
She squinted harder, trying to see the words that were written on the pages. These were ancient spells, more powerful than the more common ones of the recent years. Often, she had snuck this book out of the library to try and practice the more difficult spells.
Eventually, as the candle became dimmer and dimmer, she sighed. She was not going to be able to read the book this way. She held up her hand, palm facing the ceiling, and muttered, "Light, be a torch to guide my eyes in the darkness!"
A bright flash of light sudennly filled the room, and above her palm glowed light brighter than a wildfire. Finding a small crystal orb on the floor, she stored her light in here and put it next to her book. Now she could read properly.
The spell in the book seemes very difficult. It was filled with many words and phrases, all of which had to be said perfectly before the spell would work.
She tugged at one of her silver strands. Should she be brave and try the spell? Or should she be smart and go back to bed?
Eventually, after deciding she had gotten too far into the book to give up, she decided to try the spell. As she rose, the floor creaked slightly below her.
Holding out her hands, she repeated the words in the book:

Kannah il lin siga,
Sendra dutri cotraves,
Noil na induna dai,
Kosten ondus inna,
Mie taino fex cadon,
Ime ime enoei!

The spell appeared to have worked at first; her hands were glowing brightly. But then, after a while, she realized that she had overworked the spell.
Her hands glowed brighter and brighter... and then the spell was executed.
It was pandemonium. The badly cast spell bounced around, destroyng the entire basement. Everything in the room was smashed or ruined, and Lili's commands for it to stop were unheard. It continued to cycle the basement, knocking objects off shelves and tearing pages out of books.
Suddenly, she remembered a trick her teacher had taught her for stopping rouge spells. She stood firm and erect in front of the beam as it targeted the spellbook. Holding out her hand, she cried in a firm voice, "Stop!" And this time, she willed it to stop, instead of fruitlessly commanding it out of fear.
And, in fact, the spell stopped. The beam of light floated in front of her, awaiting her next command.
"Away," she said in the same firm voice, and the beam dissappeared. Then she sighed, relived that she had finally stopped the spell.
Then, quite distintly, she heard approaching footsteps. They came closer and closer to the basement, almost running towards it...
That must be my teacher, Lili thought with a gulp. If he came in and caught her amoungst all this mess... well, she didn't want to think about how much trouble she'd be in. She scrambled around, trying to find a hiding place, when she suddenly noticed a trapdoor.
She remembered that door... it was always invisible until she arrived in here... alone. Perfect, she thought, I can use that door to escape to my room...
Overturning the spellbook so that it looked as though the basement was destroyed by young rougues, she dissapeared behind the door just as the basement door burst open. However, she quickly escaped through the trapdoor before her teacher could take two steps down to the basement. The secret door became invisible again as she dissappeared behind the trapdoor.
Down the tunnel she went, through many twisting passages, all of which led to different places in the house, exept for her teacher's room. She chose the more difficult passages that led to her room. Across a steep hill, through another pitch-black tunnel, through a moss-covered burrow... eventually she reached the savety of her bedroon.
And then, satisfied that she had finally escaped the basement, she jumped into her bed, and fell asleep without even pulling the sheets over herself.



Hear ends Chaptor One. Plese xcuse tha lak ov kare in me speeling and grammor...

This post has been edited by Kilakandra_DiMenia on 26th March 2005 05:53

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"No matter what happens, I will always be with you... forever." ---- Pocahontas, Pocahontas

"Only those who are already at the top are rewarded without trying."----- Delita Hyral, Final Fantasy Tactics

http://www.ffshrine.org/fft/fft-midi/1-42-back_fire01.mid ---- My favorite FFT battle song

Hmm... though your writing style is quite superbe, the actual content is massively lacking.

That's hardly a chapter; your character merely attempts to read, the candle grows dim, and she relights it via magic. Nothing happens. There's no character introduction (other than her full name; no descriptions, no narrated sequence of events leading to her introduction, no insight as to her purpose in the grand scheme of things; she's just 'there' at the start of the first paragraph and has barely done anything of interest by the end) nor do any of the actions seem any relevant (although I would hazard a guess that this paragraph is meant to introduce a magic-using character, nothing makes her stand out or even seem interesting.)

More narrative insight into things not immediately present (past events, the current situation, other characters or events that will later play a role in things; basically some meat, maybe some foreshadowing or the untying of a few loose ends...) and deeper descriptions (what's the room like, what does the book look like, what's Silverlili look like; at least basic insight into these things) could strongly benefit this. The main problem, for me, is the length. There's nothing in that "chapter" that holds my interest because there's no build-up. Just mundane actions (for a fantasy world, that is.)

Otherwise, it sound quite good. Your vocabulary is obviously not restricted to simple words and generic terms, and you display a good grasp of the english language. Regretfully, as vital as this latter ability is, it's growing increasingly rarer. :/

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"Judge not a man by his thoughts and words, but by
the quality and quantity of liquor in his possession
and the likelyhood of him sharing."

Hmm... actually I found that to be rather interesting. Everyone has to have their own unique writing style otherwise the world of literature would be plain and dull. True, the content is very little and not much happens. But, that is the beauty of it all. The reader is left in a state of confusion and must read on. My writing teacher told me that the first sentence makes or breaks the book. He would always refer to Moby Dick's "Call me Ishmael" as the greatest opening ever. When you read it, you have no idea what to expect next. This short first chapter expands that idea and puts the reader in the exact same state. A candle goes out, main character uses magic to continue reading a book. What will happen next...

When the whole thing is posted, it will be interesting to see how it all works out .

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This is my world: (Got my second chapter up, 3rd Chapter about 80% complete)
http://www3.sympatico.ca/daniel876/homepage.html

And lucky you, I'm about to finish the chapter! I'm basically going to edit the post. I'm sorry, Silverlance, but not much of what you said I needed to add will be in the rest of the chapter (if I have time to post the rest...). But I promise I will try to add your suggestions in the final version.

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"No matter what happens, I will always be with you... forever." ---- Pocahontas, Pocahontas

"Only those who are already at the top are rewarded without trying."----- Delita Hyral, Final Fantasy Tactics

http://www.ffshrine.org/fft/fft-midi/1-42-back_fire01.mid ---- My favorite FFT battle song

You mean I might actually finish this story? I've goten to Chapter Two so far. I wonder how you'll like it...

Chapter Two

Lili awoke late the next morning. Realizing she was late for her lesson, she rushed downstairs.
Breakfasting on a small loaf of bread she'd made the day before in case something like this happened, she ran into the backyard of the house.
There she found her teacher, Morgano, waiting for her near the targets. She caught her breath before catching Morgano's attention, who beckoned her to him.
"Good morning, Master Morgano," she said to him.
"Good morning to you, too, Silverlili." He noticed her disheveled hair and her bloodshot blue eyes. "Whatever is wrong, Lili?"
Lili averted her eyes guiltily. "Um... I was... up a bit late... I had... something... to do..."
Morgano raised an eyebrow. "I see... did it have something to do with this?"
He turned and picked something up off the ground and showed it to Lili.
He had a spellbook clasped in his hands------- the exact same spellbook Lili had snuck out of the library!
She stared in horror at him, her heartbeat growing stronger sa she got more nervous.
"I... I... I... I..."
He stared at her with his equally blue eyes. He frowned at her------ hard.
"I told you never to meddle with difficult spells. You chose not to listen to me, it appears."
"But... but..."
"But nothing, Silverlili Jason," Morgano said, and his voice grew louder with every syllable. You have done wrong. You must be punished for it now." He raised his hand in the air, the long fingers outstretched, preparing to strike.
Lili yelped and ducked. She did not like being beaten, but she knew better than to flee, for Morgano was faster than her.
But the expected beating did not come. Instead...
"I command you, Mother Nature, to stab my opponent with ice and teach him winter's harshness!"
Lili looked up curiously and timidly as he uttered the last word, and she jumped out of the way just in time to dodge a bombardment of giant, knife-sharp icicles.
Lili panted with released tension, then looked up at Morgano. The wizard was smiling at her through his long white beard and his palm was now facing the sky.
"What did you do that for!?" she demanded, still out of breath.
I simply wanted to teach you a lesson. As I have always told you, you are getting very good. In fact, you may become the High Archmage of the King's Court."
"Yes, you have told me that many times over," Lili replied, showing no emothin, but really feeling a bit of pride.
"Well, the lesson I was trying to teach you is that sometimes your enemy will use any weaknesses you currently have to gain the advantage over you------- even your own emotions. For while I felt that what you did was wrong------" Lili blushed slightly out of guilt but still showed no emotion, "------- you should know me well enough to know that I feel it is unmoral to strike a child."
I do know that," Lili said. "It was a force of habit... my father used to always cuff me if I did something he didn't like... he didn't ever want me to practice magic... it was horrible..."
As she stood, lost in her own thoughts, Morgano cast the ice spell on her again, but this time he twirled his index finger in a circle, so that the icicles surrounded her, creating a cage of ice around her.
"You really need to learn to concentrate on your foe, no matter what else is happening around you. It may one day get you out of trouble."
Lili, now fairly frustrated with herself, held her palm into the air and chanted, "Furious flames shall warm my surroundings!" Columns of flame shot up where the icicles were, and moments later Lili was surrounded by a ring of water.
After a short sparring match with Morgano, Lili went back into the house---- singed, wet, and slightly bruised----- to read her history books.


Well, that's it. Well, actually, that's not it. I still have to finish this chapter. I'm gonna have scepters in the story! Yay!

--------------------

"No matter what happens, I will always be with you... forever." ---- Pocahontas, Pocahontas

"Only those who are already at the top are rewarded without trying."----- Delita Hyral, Final Fantasy Tactics

http://www.ffshrine.org/fft/fft-midi/1-42-back_fire01.mid ---- My favorite FFT battle song