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Final Fantasy 5- Pirate Copy
Prologue: Thave me, I’m thinking!
Tycoon Sea, 18 Years Ago
It was a stormy night, the kind that, when one is on land, you thank your lucky stars you are not at sea*
When you are at sea, the first word of the phrase might be ‘thank’ on account of the fact that underwater it all sounds the same.
On Tycoon Sea, a ship was indeed in trouble
Currently, around 12 sailors were totally and utterly thanked. This did not bother the nobles aboard as none of them were lost. The King of Tycoon had been chained to the deck of a lifeboat, as per law. (Admittedly, a law that cause major problems in the event of fires, hurricanes, or alien invasion, but only the first had happened.) Sadly, no one took into account the princesses...
“Oh hell, we forgot about the princesses!” A royal guard realised.
As with tradition, brave volunteers came forward to ensure their safety. As with tradition, they all died battling an octopus outside their destination that they only ran into because some bugger clicked ‘select’ beside a bucket. By the time the most reluctant sailor had got there, only Princess Reina was to be found (doing the backstroke). Princess Salsa, the twin son and daughter of a nobleman (1), and the son of a knight were feared lost.

For days afterwards, Tycoon searched for its lost Princess. (and two possible future princes/kings because nobles are a bit funny like that.) The search was in vain, however, as only 23 sailors were found and thrown back in. However, an awful lot of Cod was caught, and quite a bit of whiting. Also, a duchess was found, but not thrown back in because A) she was a duchess and the search team had gotten beached , and hadn’t seen her sunbathing .

The four children were washed ashore at different places, the Princess taken in by a slightly stupid old pirate and equally dim wife who thought her a boy. In a reversal of fortune, a ballerina and her husband mistook the knights son for a girl. Annoyingly had the two couples decided to go for a walk at their usual times rather than deciding to trade shifts, they would have been correct and two children would have been saved so much confusion and mental scarring.

Fate was clearly a Microsoft product that day.

On the final day of the search, a couple claimed their son also lost. In fact, he was aboard, but had not been swept away. Instead, they had catapulted him into the ocean where he was raised by a family of seals, who in an outcome of Disneyesque convenience, were seal royalty, and all spoke perfect English.

The last two, the twins, washed up by an active pirate. He was a youngish pirate but had recently married, and so, he and his wife decided on the unusual outcome of Adoption. Unusual as slave trading was earning thousands at this time. Nonetheless, the twins grew up normal, as normal as pirates children can be.

So the first girl pretended to be a boy, and became a Pirate.

The second just became a Pirate.

The first boy pretended to be a girl, and quite naturally became a stone cold killer by the age of 12 where (s)he had already commited matricide, patricide, herbicide, and three counts of homocide. Luckily, the first were not his adoptive parents (they never said whose matri- and patri- it was you needed to kill in Tycoon to add the ‘cide’ to) so he managed to finish school .Three classmates, however, did not.

The second boy became a Pirate too.

The third really shouldn’t count, but I did say Disneyesque, so he wound up with an amazing ability to do so.

And so, the years passed from that dreadful day, and the day approached when all five would be vital in the safety of the world. Annoyingly, only the one who was famous to start with became well-known.

This is a tale about the other four, Twin Pirates, A seal-prince-boy, and a mass murdering transvestite.

So yes, it is a bit like Eastenders.

*Or in an aeroplane for more modern perspectives. Or heading to the ground rapidly in an aeroplane. Either way it’s brown trousers time.
(1) This despite the fact the NobleWOMAN had the hard part.


This post has been edited by Del S on 6th October 2005 14:53

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"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

Quote (Del S @ 14th December 2004 16:37)

Fate was clearly a Microsoft product that day.

Lol. That phrase was gold. I've never played FFV before, but I've read/heard enough about it's storyline to figure out that this is going to be a very original peice. The only suggestion I might make is to clean up your sentances a bit so they're easier to understand.

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TURKEY! - (The only way not to get blocked for using Fowl Language)

Arr matey, stow that unsavory manner of speakin' 'bout yer cap'n's grammar 'fore I throw ya to the sharks meself!

Arr, I-- *HACK, cough AHEM* Anyway, it's damn funny, as usual. I was just gonna glance over it and come back later, but ya sucked me right in... again.

This post has been edited by Zephir on 15th December 2004 01:08

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~Status Report~

* Completed... Dragon's Head
* Completed... Soldiers of the Empire: Disciples (release pending)
* In Progress/Undecided... Of Love and Betrayal
* Planning/Assembly... Where it all Began

Quote (Ultros: Octopus Royalty @ 15th December 2004 00:27)

The only suggestion I might make is to clean up your sentances a bit so they're easier to understand.

Can you clarify what you mean by that please? I'm not so sure how to 'clean up' because I cannot see what's dirty just now. other than the smutty humour that may be interlaced ahead.


Chapter One: A Pirates Life for Me
The Sea
The Leaky was one of the most feared Pirate ships on the ocean waves. Not because of any fighting, pirating skills, or anything like that, but because she had a terrible pilot and no insurance. The only helm most of her crew ever took was generally accompanied by the rest of the armour.

None realised this meant the first thing to sink would probably be them.

For her Captains, the incompetence was a mask to conceal their actions. After all, even though she was noticed, every other ship in sight routinely broke it’s own oar-speed records as everyone aboard lent a hand.

An agreement with Tycoon, two years earlier, had set the Leaky and her captains on this course. To avoid punishment, Polon ands Polly Shake decided to become spies for Tycoon. So by having a reputation that caused terror, leading to the 'run like hell' manoeuvre, only they and the crew truly knew their black operation.

Obviously, Tycoon knew.

And today, a message from Tycoon arrived

The Deck
The boy stood on the deck. Luckily it wasn’t burning.
The messenger, Sergeant Smithin, approached the captains. The male looked like a typical pirate captain: Eye patch, cutlasses, tobacco, bandanna. His uncovered eye was green, and what little hair visible below the bandanna was brown. His face bore some stubble, and one single scar, on his forehead and just above his nose. The female wore no eye patch, had no scar, and obviously, no stubble, but bar a couple of other details and clothing, looked similar to the male. Her bandanna however could not cover her shoulder-length hair.

“Hail, Captains!”

“Yo.”

“What up?” said both. Then the penny dropped.

“Hang on, how did you get here?” Polly asked.

“By one of them new-fangled horses.” Smithin responded

“By horse? Twenty miles offshore? Yaar!” Polon said.

“Well, it’s easy if you ignore that fact.”

“Possibly it was a sea horse…” Polly mused.

The three went below deck.

“What does Tycoon want… Matey?” Polly asked.

“Yarr, matey, etc…” said Polon.

“Quite simply, I have a mission for you.” Smithin stated,

“And?” Polly asked.

“And also the Pizza you ordered.”

“Yaar!”

“Anyway, here is your letter.” said the Sergeant.

“Thank ye, now be off with ye!”

After the mildly-surprised crew had watched the horse leave on Jesus-Mode(â„¢), The captains asked for the crews attention.

“Okay, Mateys. What we have here’s a new mission from HM Tycoon Government.”
Polly yelled. The letter was read.

“Strange, cap’ns, most paper’s white…” said a Pirate.

“ENO REHTONA TON!” said a broom.”

Polly read out the letter aloud.

“An evil villain calling himself Evil Villain, has threatened the entire nation with a dire curse. For a full briefing, meet with Mr. Maxwell at the Pirates Cove... AAARGH! I hate it when you have to subscribe ter read the full message!”

However, there was more.

“Before you think this curse might be one allowing you to nick all the treasure and run, Shake twins, it’ll begin to affect anyone entering the country resulting in [see briefing] which by the way , leads to [see briefing] and that’s why [see briefing] is actually agonisingurather than peaceful like you might think, and beyond that, that’s after [see briefing] where it’s likely you’ll [see briefing] and most Tycoonian animals digest slowly and painfully. So don‘t even think about it you pair of bastards. Love, The Blackmailing Tycoonian government: forcing people to do it since &34.” Polon said.

“Any questions?” Polly asked.

“I4don’t want to know what See Briefing is, it sounds nasty!” A pirate5yelled.

“You wont,”said Polly, marking him down to try entering Tycoon first should they fail.

“Well, mates, let’s be getting to Pirates cove.”

Along the way, Polon read the mission rights document slowly, detailing what they were allowed to do.
"1: You willdbe forced to go to the Worest of No Return, and purchase single bus tickets to secret lair cave.
2: Anything stolen may be kept, as it is 'taxation' in this case.
3: Lethal Forwe is preferable.
This message would self destruct in1five seconds, but we barely just invented gunpowder: Explosive memos are years off.”
"Well, this all seems clear, captains.” said First Mate Mickey Gate, whose red hair was
baldins, his stomach fat with years ofuale and ships foodstuffs, had no eye patch over his milky-blueeyes,eand a hook for a hand."Is it, Mick?" Polon said to the veteran pirate."Probably, Lent. Probably." Polly said

Polly, as can be seen, is unusual as a female pirate in that she1is not pretending to be male. This is because she can kill a man before he can think of a chat-up line. So far, twelve who had thought Õno’ meant ‘yes’ had found out that ‘no means yes means early death if you don’t pull your trousers up right now matey, and despite the fact it’s clearly a small target I’m not aiming to kill yet, you scurvy dog.’
Polon, however, was the thinking one. Sadly, he was’t very good at it at f}rst glace. Barely able to read, or write, it was all part of atfalse persona. By Twelve, had they existed, he could have bench-pressed a car (so long as it was a Mini). By his current age of 18 he could punch through the bottom of a ship, and had done sotto a few others.
This meant he had aqreputation as a brainless thug,uwhen in reality he was both bra|ns and brawn, both dangerous and unnerving as the victims of any bouncer quoting Shakespeare or infuriated by your shirt claiming an inaccurate atomic number for Rubidium whilst bouncing your head off the concrete floor will tell you.

He, and his sister, cloaked by the shadows of falsehood, were too easy to underestimate. Either it was4the age gap, either it was the stupidity, either it was the lack of parrots, but hundreds of people had thought ‘this’ll be easm’ and found that life is hard, but deaths a lot more si|ple.

The rest of the crew had various abilities, except the ratings, who were often genuinely incompetent. ‘Cannon’, a hulking lunatic who carried a massive pistol, ‘Princess’, ships mascot and psychopathic devil dog, ‘Fluff’, ships cat and co-conspirator with Princess and the rats to overthrow the human race, ‘Gramps’ who is a veteran pilot wonveniently close to retiring, and ‘Little Suzie’ , only other woman aboard and currently winnig 28-12 on the testicle removal board. You may wonder why any crew could tolerate such testicular threats. This is simple: not only do the two women get their rounds i, it’s never been the crews testicles: they know ‘no’ means ‘cower in terror’. besides, most of the sailors aboard could wait until port to think about things like that.
And so, as the sun set on the ships course to Pirates cove, the crew went below beck, leaving only sentries and the cat.

This post has been edited by Del S on 6th October 2005 15:01

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"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

Lol. its awesome. About time someone attempt FF5.

Talking Broom jokes that actually work make me happy.

I want more.

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If you've been mod-o-fied,
It's an illusion, and you're in-between.
Don't you be tarot-fied,
It's just alot of nothing, so what can it mean?
~Frank Zappa

Sins exist only for people who are on the Way or approaching the Way

Ask and ye shall recive! But only if I did the next chapter the night before...




Chapter Two:A Pirates Knife for Free
Pirates Cove, 4AM
This black market was a bustling place, full of criminals, and a place few lawmen dared to tread. At night, ships crew retreated to their vessels, for the small towns bustling populace of thieves, and other ships thugs, roamed, seeking purses, to settle old scores, or trouble.
Mr Maxwell was the dark side of the law, however. And anyone seeking trouble needed to look no further than him.
A thief took Maxwell as an easy target. Alone, bereft of shipmates and apparently drunk the way he limped, the thief smiled a toothless grin as Maxwell waltzed into an alley. The thief followed him.
The thief, seconds later, flew out of the alleyway.
His head soon followed him.

Dawn
The Leaky neared the port. Other ships gave way as normal, fleeing rapidly from it’s path.
She docked, and her crew raced off to the many pubs. The Senior crew however went to the market.
Every signpost of Pirates Cove was in Yarr, official international language of Pirates.
At the market, An old, grey-haired, wheel chaired Pirate in the back of a wagon was angrily yelling at another cart driver.
"Oi, Ye scurvy dog! Get out of the disabled parking space or I’ll ‘ave ye walk the … dog?"

Polon walked up.

"Ye mean Plank, Cap’n Chair," he said.

"Yarr, always get them mixed up." Said Chair.
The cart driver laughed, and spoke:

"What’re ye so bothered about, matey? This be a lawless town! I can park where I like."

"Actually, mate, there be law here. Sods law," Chair said, drawing his flintlock pistol. The cart drivers fat face lost it’s smug look. He drove off.

"Good to see you still have yer land legs, old timer," Polly said.

"Yarr! Watch yer pretty tongue, lass. Ye may be right but that’s never stopped me cutting’ tongues out before.

Most of the populace of the town was either old Pirates, or active Pirates hiding. Chair was the former. His real last name was lost, even to him, but he recalled his first name, Ronald, most days of the week.
Today however he thought his name was Roland, but he was close.

"So, Chair, ye old dog. Still terrorising the younger pirates then?" Mickey said.

"Yep. ‘Course, hear the Leakys still on the brown list… so you’ll be terrorisin’ them still then."

"As always," Gate replied.

"What’re ye all in town for this time?" Chair enquired.

"Meetin’ friends, booze, recruitin’ new shipmates, booze, supplies, booze. And alcohol too," Polly said.

"Ah, the usual then. Well, mateys, I got ter be off and do what I got ter do… whatever it was… so, be off with ye!"

The crew walked on.

"So, where the hell is Maxwell today then?" Suzie asked.

"You can go look in the sewers…" Cannon said.

"Nah, mates, he’s not that kind of Rat…" Polon shuddered, as they turned a corner towards the market.

A shifty woman in a hooded brown robe observed them. In a lawful town, she would have been arrested already by the Police or City Guard. However, This was Pirates Cove, which I’m sure you’ve figured out what it is.

"Seeking a man called Maxwell, eh?" she mumbled.

She flicked her long hair back with her hands, then walked off, tapping a thuggish man on the shoulder. The thug followed the crew.

Of course, he didn’t do it all that well, and had been spotted very swiftly. He failed to note Suzie break off from the main group, hide behind a market stall, and then start following him.

Are these people going round in circles? the thug thought.
He had taken two hours to realise this. In the meantime, most of the crew was now BEHIND him.

Damn, lost them! he thought, another hour later. He looked around at his surroundings. He was totally lost now.
I’ve forgotten which way out of the cave is! he thought again. Then he considered it even more

"Wait… wasn’t I in a tow…"

He never finished his sentence, due to the fact a bat came from behind and attacked him. In his panic, he thrashed around at the bat, and blundered straight off the edge of a conveniently placed chasm.

"AAARGH!"

He landed in water, and was initially relived. Then he realised the fish looked carnivorous…
A small one zipped towards him, and he tensed in anticipation of agonizing pain, but it merely zoomed past.

"Hehe. Harmless…"

Then the shark ate him.

The crew looked around, and was certain they had somehow lost their follower. How, they were not too sure…
Behind a cart, Gogo swore loudly.

"Stupid warp zone anomaly error putting me into an unknown world until whoever I replaced dies or something! I’m sick of these…"

Gogo realised something terrible.

"…Even stupider world which takes the idea I’m female and gave me underwear that lifts and separates… At least I can mimic an Opera singer now…" he said, in a high-pitched voice. He walked off to explore, wincing all the way.

The crew still blundered around, until finally, they saw him.

"There’s the bastard, mates…"

Maxwell stood, leaning against the door of an Inn. Wearing fairly standard garb, and a dark grey cap over unkempt brown hair. His eyes were hidden behind dark glasses.

"Hello, scum," he said. The entire street turned around and responded.

"Yo, lad."

"Hi, matey!"

"What up my pirate?"

"Bonjour!"

"Hey, ye dog!"

"Lo shipmate."

Maxwell swore loudly.

"Well, then, ye dog, what are ye to say to us?" Polon said.

The Government employee pulled something from his coat.

"I advise we go inside. The enemy are everywhere.*" said Maxwell. He limped into the building.

The crew plodded their way into the room Maxwell beckoned them to.

"As you’ll know, I’m supposed to be briefing you. "

"No thanks, matey, I make me own trousers and pants!" Cannon said

"Look, simpleton, SABOTAGE told me to tell you your mission, and I will. The special administrative branch of taxation and general espionage recently discovered Evil Villains plot. Days later, a letter arrived at the palace and killed the clerk reading it."

"Some kind o’ magic, mate?" Polly enquired.

"No, he was a haemophiliac and got a severe paper cut. Accident waiting to happen really. Anyway, what we could gauge from the bits of the letter not covered in blood, our Intel was right (and so was our Celeron): he made three threats in the letter. One, He would place a curse on Tycoons royal family, ensuring all future offspring of them be born as toads. Two, He threatened to mutate the monsters of Tycoon to be given magics that would result in people leaving towns being killed in minutes. Or not being people any more. Three, anyone attempting to enter the nation or lift the curse would either be turned into stone, torn apart into constituent atoms, shrunk down to 12 inches tall, or various other horrible side effects that you can make up as you go along, but they do include hearing annoying music in your head for the remainder of your short life."

"That’s lovely, matey, but where do we come in?" Mickey asked.

"The magic's used in the curse are too strong to be placed into any mortal mind. Only a pair of brass orbs forged by Sir , later His Grace, Johan Wayne could contain it. The artefacts are commonly know as the Big Brass Balls of Duke Johan Wayne -what’s so funny? Why are those two women laughing?"

"Nothing, matey, ye need to be a Pirate Girl in these times to titter at such things," Polly said.

"Okay… A powerful enough mage can activate the power of the balls, from anywhere on the planet. If he does so, he can cast any spell upon anything. He’ll be godlike, but mindless so long as the balls exist. Another person can manipulate the mage by some method we don’t understand, and that’s the trouble."

"So, why hasn’t he done it? And how do ye not know he were not jestin’?" Polon asked.

"Simple. He demonstrated his powers by turning Princess Reina into an eighteen year old quivering wreck of a girl."

"She always WAS eighteen!" Polly recalled

"After he turned her into an eighteen month old. Then made her trip out like on acid," the government agent responded.

"Ah…" Polly conceded.

"He also did some less sinister things like causing guards to explode, NPCs to melt into puddles of goop, etc… but making a princess become a toddler who thinks the walls are made of elephants was deemed truly evil by Parliament. "

"Nice ter see the priorities are right at Tycoon Parliament, then…" Lent said.

"Anyway, your mission, should you choose to acce… oh wait, you have to, is to find the lair of Evil Villain, recover the orbs, and stop his scheme. Our scouts report his henchmen seem to kept going in and out of the Forest of no Returns on the bus service. Since his men keep getting single tickets, money is clearly no issue to him. If at any point you need new weapons or gear, visit Queues laboratory. I bid you goodnight, now. " Said the Agent, who then left.

The crew sat for some time in silence.

"So…" said Cannon.

"Yes?" Lent replied.

"What are we going to do now?"

A brick came in the window, followed by arrows. Maxwell stormed back in.

"The enemy are attacking, as you’ve noticed," he said calmly.

The crew drew their weaponry.

"Well, matey, looks like we ought to COUNTER attack," said Polon.

"I can counter! One , Two, Three, Four…"

"Not that kind of counter, Cannon! Yarr, yer wooden head is so full of worms, matey…" Mickey almost screamed.


*Of course, he didn’t know they’d even made it to other dimensions, albeit briefly.

Edit

Fixed my boo-boo.. I think.

Edit

Format editing in preperation for resuming fic done to this point as of 06/10/05

This post has been edited by Del S on 6th October 2005 15:31

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"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

It's funny so far :-)

I have something to point out, though; when you pluralize, you don't use an apostrophe. It's Princesses, not Princess's. Kings, not king's. Princes, not prince's.

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I had an old signature. Now I've changed it.

I couldn't tell you what the plot is if you had a gun at my head, but this had me in tears the whole way through. Hurts so good. This is one the best fanfics I've ever read and one of the best short stories period. This is irreverent done right! The 'lifts and seperates' had me in stitches.

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Arts

Farts

Twarts

*lol* OMG... this story... this is, like, one of your best out of the ones I've read so far. You are too funny!!!

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"No matter what happens, I will always be with you... forever." ---- Pocahontas, Pocahontas

"Only those who are already at the top are rewarded without trying."----- Delita Hyral, Final Fantasy Tactics

http://www.ffshrine.org/fft/fft-midi/1-42-back_fire01.mid ---- My favorite FFT battle song

Any errors you should spot here please report them, either by PM or in any reply.

Chapter Three: A Pirate’s cat stuck up a tree!
The Inn‘s main hall
The crew stormed down the stairwell, Cannon blasting with his massive handgun, Mickey with two sharp, deadly, cutlasses*, Suzie with many knives, throwing and stabbing, Lent with a rapier and dagger, Polon with a pistol and cutlass, and Polly with two Crossbow’s, and a lot of pent up fury for all. Maxwell had drawn his sword.

In the hall, there were at twelve henchmen, and one man in richer clothing than the rest.
“Who are you?” Maxwell said.
“Y-bother.” Said the man.
“Because if you don’t tell me I will personally come over there and ram this sword up your arse rather than waiting for the unwashed in front to do so.” The agent responded.
“No, that’s my name, old chap. Used to be in your English class at University, remember?”
“Oh, you! How are you?”
“Fine, Fine…”
Both noted that their Henchmen/‘Allies’ were all looking at them in an angry manner.
“Oh right, fight, yeah…” both sheepishly said.
And so, both groups ran at each other
Mickey ran past a henchman, a faint blur of metal around the air as he did so.
“Hah. Stupid Pirate, you missed!” Maxwell said. Then the henchman fell into numerous pieces. Maxwell shut up then.

Cannon took aim, and fired his pistol. The target was hit in the face by a hail of nails , sharp shards of metal, and other nasty things that made what was left of his previously ugly mug resemble Terry Wogan.

A henchman swung an axe at Lent. Cawl barely moved to dodge the blade, and simply stood arrogantly as the enemy continued in vain to decapitate him.
Suddenly, Lent became a blur of black , flesh, and shining metal. The henchman became Swiss cheese.

Polly fired her crossbows at two enemies. Both jumped away from the bolts in a slow-motion type camera that span around them, showing the bolts zoom past…
Whilst they did this over 15 seconds, Polly, in normal time, swung her sword around them carelessly. When they sprang out of the slo-mo, it rained their bits.

Totally losing count of the numbers of enemies dispatched, the crew chopped and sliced towards the lieutenant.

Maxwell prepared to stab at an enemy, then did so. What he did next was possibly the most stupid thing anyone has ever done in a fight. He did the paperwork.
“Excuse me, but who are you?” Maxwell asked
“Huh? I’m not telling you!”
“Not Telling You, okay, thanks, and how old are you?”
“Bugger off mate or I’ll chop you into 25 pieces!”
“25? Fair enough. And where did you live?”
“Wait, whAAAAGH!”
“Wait, okay. Sorry about stabbing you before I filled that bit in but you see, all they needs writing, not the truth (1)”

Suzie stood innocently in a puddle of something not very pleasant. Her knives were all gone, and the once blue walls were now purple and brown…

Finally, after the jingly-jangly guitar music that had inexplicably begun playing ended after a few crossbow bolts, and a few ‘aargh’ sounds, Y-Bother merely looked at them.
“So you are indeed skilled warriors…”
“Nope, your mob are just idiots, mate.” The innkeeper interjected.
“Pardon me, you oaf?!” Said Bother.
“Well, it’s obvious, innit? Common schoolboy errors made, such as charging at them, everyone knows you open fire and wait for them to come to you.”
“Look, simpleton, you’re just a simple barman, you know NOTHING of military tactics!”
“Well, I could teach your mob a lesson any day.”
“You and whose army?” Said Bother. He soon realised that Polon had his knife to his throat.
“Well, matey, ‘tis like this ye see. He don’t need an army, because we can clear our tab by cutting’ yer ears off.”
“Good point, but I must leave.” Said the not good person, and set off a smoke bomb.
As the thick white cloud spread, there was one scream, then, running footsteps, followed by the sound of a collision of a knee with a table, some swearing accompanied by a noise like someone hopping holding an injured leg, then a simple ‘oh bugggaaaa…’ as a window overlooking a well smashed.
By the time the smoke had cleared, the entire crew was standing by the aforementioned well laughing, and, as soon as all of the opposite gender were not looking, urinating down it.

Later
“If I catch whichever one of you just did a number 2 on my jacket, I will personally rip your lungs out anally!” Y-Bother screamed up.
“Always wondered why I keep that well there for no apparent reason. Know I now. Or something.” the Bartender (who himself was not sure if he was an innkeeper, barman, or pub owner, and frankly didn’t care as he could get the pay of all three for the one job.) said.
He stood for some time polishing the glass in his hands outside, then threw it down the well.

Meanwhile, Maxwell spoke once more to the crew.
“Well, since they know who you are…” Maxwell said, but was cut off.
“Yaar, we’ll get our actinto gear, now that the enemy has seen our true face… and Mick’s arse… and get on with the mission… Matey.” Polly said.
And so, they sailed to the forest of no returns, and Maxwell returned to whatever cubby-hole he came from.

Forest of no returns
Two paths led into the forest. The crew made for the leftmost path, but were halted by a small man in a blue jacket, the jacket of the guidesmen, people supposed to help travellers in Baron, but in reality, merely sold their charges to bandits and slave traders.
“Halt, this is the exit!” said the man.
“From a forest of no returns?!” Cawl asked.
“No returns the way you CAME. This place was misleadingly named.” said the guidesman.
“That be a bit… daft.” A pirate annoucned
“No, that be elected officials.” said the man.
“We vote for the king, mate?” another asked.
“Uh… oh sod it, give me a fiver, and you can go in the exit.” said the man.
“Good, mate, cos otherwise, we’d have went in anyway and shot you.” Polly said.
“Uh… why?”
“The entrance is blocked with corpses. Yaar! We may spend our days at sea, mate, but we ain’t stupid!”

Half an hour later, they were all lost. They had been using a tree with a notice saying ‘Missing :one plot. Plot for FF5 Pirate-based comedic fic, if you have seen this plot please report to Baron Militia’ as a landmark when they found that every tree had this notice.
“Hey, where’s Fluff?” Suzie said.
“The Cat?! We be lost in a forest filled with hundreds of deadly, man eating creatures that incidentally we haven’t seen any of, and ye be wondering’ where the CAT is?” Polon said.
“Well, Cap’n, ye did say man-eatin’. They might have et ‘im.” A pirate said.
“B’aint the cat be a she?” asked Mickey.
“It be an it and them monsters be MAN eating, not cat-eating!" Polon yelled. He stopped talking as the arm of one of the local monsters fell from the tree, and looked up.
“Meow!” said the cat, which was up a tree,
“… How in the blue hell did it get up there?” Cawl asked.
“More importantly, what did it eat?” asked Mickey.
“Well, mates, by the looks of it, everything that moved and some things that don’t … there are meant ter be gargoyles in these woods.” Polly said. She climbed the tree to reach for the cat, when the tree opened up.
“Well, what do ye know? It be a ladder down to their secret base!” Suzie said.
“How do ye know this, Suzie?” Polon said, suspiciously.
“Um…” She said, not noticing Cawl pull an official walkthrough from her back pocket.
“YAAR! Suzie, this be a no-help game! That be meanin’ we can’t use action replays, no FAQ’s, cheats, glitches, or anything. ESPECIALLY not the flamethrower, Polly!”
“But, er, Polon, it may be rather handy soon mate.”
“Why?” he asked
“There be an angry Dryad behind you.”
“Ah crap.”
“I should hope not. It's bad enough you buggers have wiped out my local ecosystem without pooping all over it.” said the Dryad.
“Wiped out, eh? Er, be there some way we could talk about this rather than you tearin’ us limb from limb?”
“Well, I was just going to turn you into trees, but what you suggest sounds more fun. My name’s Dennis, and I’ll be your killer for today’s bloody end.
“Er, not, we be trees already, honest.” Polly said.
“We Treemen may be wooden ourselves, but we’re misleadingly named: we’re not dry and hard to be ‘ad.
Polly realised something, and swung her sword at the Dryad…

Five minutes later, the Guidesman was tied to a tree in his underwear, the costume he was wearing burning nearby.
“How did you know I was the Dryad?” asked the man.
“Uh, no idea…” said someone.
“POLLY! GIVE ME THE GUIDE!” Polon cried.
“Did you have to tie me up in my pants?!” he asked.
“Well, mate, it’s more comical. And it be easier for the REAL Dryads.” Said Suzie.
“Real ones?!” the man whimpered.
“Yes. You be tied to one. He liked our idea too.” said Cawl.
“Please don’t let him tear my arms off!”
“Oh no, mate, that’s not the idea. Ye see, there be some Christmas tree Dryads here, Dilbert there…”- A branch waved -” …told us, and they kept getting their fairies nicked by the local wildlife, and more recently, the Christmas tree dryad crown jewels were stolen. We suggested they use you to help. Ye’ll be a fine replacement for the royal crown, a human-sized fairy…The tip of the king’s head be a metre in diameter, by the way, mate.” Mickey said.
“OH GOD!”

The crew looked down into the stairwell which was poorly lit, and dripping noises could be heard at the bottom.
Naturally, they sent ordinary Pirates down first, and went into a world no normal human being had ever been to before…
An underground facility that was actually clean and didn’t smell of cat piss. Not yet at least.
And as the screaming started from the Guidesman, they went down. Then they realised they had done this earlier.
“That glitch don’t count! It didn’t help us in any way mates, IT DIDN’T HELP!” Polon wailed, trying to keep within the rules of the challenge.


*If he does however indeed cut lassies, he’s in trouble because they’ll both kill him.
1- In many ways, Tycoon’s red tape procedural laws were centuries ahead of their time.
2- for some reason, this is all you see them doing, even when their establishment is knee deep in body bits.

This post has been edited by Del S on 11th February 2005 22:11

--------------------

"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

Again, any errors you spot, please report them here or by PM. any plotholes are probably... deliberate.

Chapter Four: A Pirate can’t believe what he see…
Underground Lair
The staircase continued downwards. Unless of course one was to turn around, then it would continue upwards until you were back at the start. Initially, it was the type of stairs with landings… until Polon spoke.
“Yarr, I’m so glad this be one of the non-spirally staircases…”
He said this, as the stairs changing into a spiral staircase on B 45/90
“…Yaar.”

The dark and damp stairs were lit poorly by oil lamps.
“Yarr, I hate long spiral staircases. So slow, they make me dizzy. But easier to fall down and reach the very bottoH HELL!” he said, as he tripped, and plummeted. The rest of the crew raced after him, and eventually, reached the bottom.
“At least I can take solace in the fact it were the only way, mateys…” the bruised Polon said.
Polly pointed to the elevator.
“…Yarr.”

They snuck on, into the Lair. They passed many a strange glass tube.
“What be these strange things anyway, cap’n…s?” asked Suzie.
Polly looked at them. Every single one was empty.
“I think they be some sort of storage contraption that clearly needs something they don’t be having.” She said. She was right: Someone would need to discover Nitrogen first before they could use the cryo-storage facility using liquid nitrogen.

Had the crew known that the technology in the room was 500 years too advanced, they’d have been very worried, as they all believe it’s never very nice to be facing against a farsighted, forward thinking man. Or woman, for that matter. This is because they are currently working for forward thinking men.

But since that’s actually rather depressing, not funny at all, and eliminates any semblance of a grip on reality by the plot we’ll just ignore that.

The crew came to a series of cages. Inside, strange creatures howled.
“What be these strange things?!” Aksed Cawl. Mickey looked at a sign nearby one cage.
“Were-Moogles?! That be a bizarre idea! Ye’ll never get a coherent plotline to build a trilogy upon or for the matter, mates, any use from them! They be nothing but bizarre, harmless freaks!”
They walked on, a pirate stopped to taunt the weremoogles.
“Heh, weirdoes!” he said.
The were-moogle promptly shot out its second jaws from inside its mouth and bit his head off.
“Well, Set fire to me sails and call be Frederick! They be nasty little buggers!” Cawl said, whacking a large button on a wall.
The lights came on.
“Er…, Lent, mate, did ye mean to hit THIS button?” said Mick, and hit another. The floor below the cage fell away, and the creature disappeared, screaming.
“Nay, I meant to open the door out.” Said Cawl.
“…So did I.” Said Mick.

They progressed further into the labs, the next room of major significance not in a deleted scene containing cages filled with small imp-like creatures. Balloons that resembled ships floated in the air nearby, and every small creature giggled at the various photos of carnage inside the cages. Each was about three feet tall, but there were two types: A long, blond haired version in a blue jacket, and a brown-haired, ponytail led one with a brown jacket. Both types wore blue trousers.
“What be these strange things?!” Suzie asked
“Who be carin’? Kill them!” Said a Pirate.
The Creatures all looked at balloons, which drifted towards the pirate.
The explosion seemed to say what the small creatures could not: no, kill YOU.
“Lent, be there any buttons you wantin’ to be pressin’?”
“Be we rationing the letter ‘g’ today?” Cawl said
“We be Pirates!” She screamed
“We be mocking the Tycoonian language!” Cawl responded
“We be leavin!” Everyone else said.

Further insane experiments lay in the rooms ahead.
“Tomato Sauce in egg fried rice?!”
“Ninjas with eye patches?”
“Green eggs and ham?”
“Sky blue with pink?!”
“Metal boats?”
“BROWN sauce?”
“An egg shaped football that you carry rather than kick?!”
“A system that lets you win with 51% of the 50% voter turnout, meaning you really only got 25-30% of the voters voting for you?”
“Swedish Furniture?!”
“SWEDEN?!”

Eventually, they reached a large hall. Hiding in the gantries, they saw Y-bother, standing near some shadows that evidently contained the big boss of the outfit.
“So, my servants, the plan progresses?” Said the Shadows.
“Yes. Phase one is underway.” Said Y-Bother.
“And the Quos?”
“All ready, sire. Prepared to run in the underground tunnels to Tycoon.”
“Then soon, Tycoon will die… unless my demands are met.”
“Indeed… er, sire, you DID make them right?”
“Umm… damn it, that secretary was meant to remind me! Have something nasty done to her!”
“We already did, we made her play FF X-2.”
“Okay, get Mascaramonger.”
A strange person approached, wearing eyeshadow, and expensive looking frilly pink clothes. It looked male but clearly felt it was Female
“yes, milord?”
“Instruct the Jackass to proceed with his plan, and also, make sure he sends them the demands too. Oh, and kill those pirates. You do that, he’s got to kill a princess remember.”
“Which pirates, the Shakes?”
“No, the ones that sold me this DVD of ‘Meet the Fockers. It’s clearly been filmed in the back of the cinema.”
“Yes Milo… Wait, whats a DVD?”
“Forbidden knowledge to this world, but it exists in many others!”
“Like the Quos, Mogarus, third dimension, election rigging tools, and Mountain Dew?”
“Yes.”
The Shadows stood.
A bald man in goggles, wearing a vest, cargo trousers, and carrying knives did not stand up as that’s actually a character from some okayish sci-fi movies that really did have a few things lacking, like plot.
What really stood was a man in ornate armour, at least, it would be ornate had it not been made of tinfoil. He stood at least six feet six, and gave a metallic rustling as he walked.
“Do you know why I know the Forbidden Knowledge’s, Mascaramonger?”
“Yarr, we ought ter go down there and tear him to shreds.” Cannon whispered.
“Oh gawd, here comes the ‘I was chosen’ story again.” said a henchman, down below.
His companion was about to make a similar joke, when the villain, presumably Evil Villain himself, was beside them in the blink of an eye.
In the next blink, the joker had been torn to shreds, as if he had been shattered, and fell apart in a gory mess.
“It’s indeed because I was chosen. The knowledge of the third dimension flooded me when I found the book that day, the guidebook. It told me where to go, what to do, and what reality truly is. If I told you that where you see a wall, I see letters and numbers, you would ponder what I was told by that book. But the question is: What do I know?”
“Nothing, milord?”
“Correct. To know this knowledge… it cannot exist, therefore it must not. Yet I know it.”
“Yarr, he knows nothing? I be confused.” Cannon whispered
“STAY QUIET YE DOG!” Screamed Polly.
“YE BE GIVIN’ US AWAY!” she continued.
Everyone looked at her, bad guys included.
“Or be I doin’ that? Poopy.”
“Oh well, me hearties, looks like we’ll have to kick some bum.” Said Mick, and shrugged.
Polon kicked a tramp who was in the gantries , making him fall, yelling.
“Not like that, cap’n.”
“Oh, right…”

This post has been edited by Del S on 11th February 2005 22:52

--------------------

"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

Hahaha. Being in class where I virtually do nothing, has allowed me to finally get a chance to finish what's here so far, and I gotta say it's pretty damn funny. I ended up snorting loudly at some parts and drawing attention

--------------------

If you've been mod-o-fied,
It's an illusion, and you're in-between.
Don't you be tarot-fied,
It's just alot of nothing, so what can it mean?
~Frank Zappa

Sins exist only for people who are on the Way or approaching the Way

Chapter Five: Seal it with a hating kick.
The Underground Lair of Evil Villain
The Pirates leapt down, weapons drawn. Evil Villains soldiers leapt forward, and…
“Stop!” Evil Villain said. His men halted.
“Yarr! Ye be Evil Villain?” Asked Polon
“Yes, Mister Shake, I am.”
“How did ye be knowin’ my name?”
“Weren’t you listening? I know EVERYTHING, past and present , you fool,” Evil Villain gloated.
“Then how come ye don’t know if I were listening or not?”
“Stupid bloody pirate, it was rhetorical…” Evil Villain murmered.
“And do ye know the future?” Suzie asked. Cannon grunted.
“No, but…”
Cannon fired at him. When the echoing of the blast stopped, and the smoke cleared, Evil Villain stood, his armour undented*.
“…But I know what people plan.”
“Then if it’s unplanned, you don’t know it! DIE!” yelled a pirate, and swung at him.
Had what Evil Villain done to the pirate been threatened upon a rabbit, more people would have found out that the paypal link was fake and didn’t work.

As it stood, once the silver and red blur of the violent evisceration was over, Villain stood in a circle of body bits.
“As you can see, fighting me is pointless. I’m faster, stronger, tougher, and also-”
“Look like a turkey!” Polon said.
“Tch, Moron. You’ll be the first one fed to my little pet…”
“Yarr, an easily escapable deathtrap? I’m game. Shark?”
“What?! How did you know?” Evil Villain said, shocked.
“You be a crazy madman QED you have sharks that shoot balls of fire… or something. Yarr.” He replied.
“Oh, hah… you haven’t really figured it out… No, I’m going to set my Quos on you!” Evil Villain proclaimed.
“Yer whats?!” Mickey said.
The soldiers fled the hall as gates opened, and evil cackling began from them.
Evil Villain leapt up into the rafters.
“They’ll laugh in the face of your disaster! Good day!”
The Pirates stood their ground.
“Y’know, I don’t get one thin about that feller, mates.” Cawl said.
“First, he says ‘quos’ like we think it should mean something, then he says they be going to laugh at us, yarr… ye got a point, Lent.” Cannon said.
Suddenly, the open gates were filled with sinister red glowing eyes… and they emerged

Rather anticlimactically and repetitively if you had been paying attention, each was about three feet tall, and there were two types: A long, blond haired version in a blue jacket, and a brown-haired, ponytail led one with a brown jacket. Both types wore blue trousers.
“Them things are Quos?” Polly said.
“TOLD ye we should have killed them!” said Suzie.
“Err, Suzie, that were a pirate who were blown up seconds after saying that.” Polon said.
The Quos had all lined up, and were staring at the rafters.
“And they did that before he blew up, by the way.” Cawl said.
“Would it help if I said I were sorry?!” She panicked.
The quos looked angry, as nothing had occurred.
“Poor little things. They don’t realise I actually got a proper builder in to install these supports.” Evil Villain said.
The quos gave up and stared straight at Suzie.
“AAARGH!” She screamed, and then stopped. Nothing had happened.
The Quos were still giggling though.
“Er, why be they laughing?”
“Yer trousers have fallen down.” Polon said.
“And by the way Suzie, not only be boxer shorts not ladylike, but ones with little cats on them be unpiratelike” Polly said.
“Especially since they be mine! Why the hell do ye always be nickin’ my laundry?!” Cawl said.
“Poor creatures, what have I done to you?! There’s no scope for disaster here!” Evil Villain wailed.
Cannon shot a Quo, and all the others laughed at it.
He instantly deduced that the creatures thrived by laughing at any disaster, even upon themselves, and had the power to induce it. Hence Suzie showing the world Cawl’s underwear. And as a result, if you kill them, they get distracted and giggle.
It all came out as:
“Shoot ‘em they laugh and stop thinking!”
The rest of the crew obliged in a hail of giggling, stabbing, shooting, and trousers falling down.
Evil Villain stared in horror.
“My quos! I’m so angry I could leap down there and kill you all! But I wont! It’s no fun that way…”
Evil Villain waited for the last of his clearly flawed creatures to be killed, and then snapped his fingers. The whole crew of pirates froze still in time.
“If you want to kill them, just jump down. If you want them alive for later, just snap your fingers and rely on the hex doing the rest!” he said.
None of the pirates heard this as they were frozen in time. But his soldiers did, and started disarming the pirates.

The pirates came round in a holding cell.
“What the?!” Said one.
“It’s obvious: We got here, we ain’t fighting anything any more, so we had better start…” Suzie began
“Arguing amongst ourselves about things like WHY DO YOU KEEP NICKING MY PANTS?!” Cawl interrupted.
“I was going to say ‘thinking of a way out’.”
“I still want to know!”
“Cawl, shut up.” Cannon said.
“I have a plan! One of us pretends to be Ill, mates!” A pirate said.
He then groaned and fell over.
A guard came near the door.
“Is he ill?”
“Yes.” Another Pirate said.
The guard opened the door…
And shot the man.
He then closed it.
“Sorry. We don’t have any doctors.” The guard said.
The pirates scratched that plan off the list…

Eventually
“We be runnin’ out of letters to give to ideas…” Mickey said.
“Yes, mate, but ye can only get as far as c.” Polon said.
“But we be on C!”
“No, we be on land.”

Suddenly, the wall exploded, and knee-deep water flowed in, along with some seals.
Polon surveyed the aquatic invasion, and responded with a few simple words.
“Whatever the explanation be, it had better be good…”

*As far as tinfoil can be.

This post has been edited by Del S on 6th October 2005 14:45

--------------------

"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

Chapter Six: You stole my battleship!
The Holding Holed Cell
Polon stood, awaiting the explanation. A man who had swam in with the seals stood up and spoke.
“It is a good explaination, Polon” Said the seal-man
“How be you knowin’ my name, seal-man who be surprisingly well groomed and wearing trousers for someone who obviously have been livin’ in the wild with yer seal chums?” polon asked
“…Disneyesque.”
“Ye what?!” Polly exclaimed.
“It’s very simple… My name is Samuel, Prince of the seals (adopted) .When I was a small boy, I was thrown into the sea…”
“Ah crap, mates, he’s going to get nostalgic…” said Cawl

The dim and not quite so distant past
I was on a ship, with my parents, when I was about six months old. I amazingly recall quite a lot about then. Such as the fact there were five other children aboard that ship. I can’t recall your real names…

Polon and Polly actually be our real names mate. Our blankets said so. Polon and Polly Sawallitz. Ye can see why we decided our adoptive name o’ Shake were better.

…Oh, really? That’s a bit ironic. My adoptive parents had no imagination so they called me Sammy. Anyway, there was a storm, or it sank, or something. Either way, four of them were washed overboard. The Princess of Tycoon, Salsa, You two, and…

Wait, you were on that ship? It be a small world!

Disneyesque, Polly, Disneyesque.

Oh, right, mate, carry on.

…anyway, you two, and another . I wasn’t washed overboard, but it turned out my parents couldn’t be arsed looking after me…
“Oh well, son, it seems you are so severely traumatised by the loss of your friends we have to drown you…”
“Er, Howard, are you sure?”
“Well, yes. We already have five, and this little bugger’s already tried to kill me.”
“Oh come Howard, you should never have gave him the gun!”
“Nope, my mind’s made up dear, it’s easier on the servants if we drown this one. Besides, the whole spinning head and projectile vomit thing, it’s so lower class…”
“Yes, I suppose, dear. At least have a servant do it. Killing your own children, it’s so middle class…”
“Right, dear. Jenkins! Take the boy out and drown him!”
“Very good sir.”

And so, the butler took me to some cliffs and threw the pram off the edge.
“I say, good man, did you just throw that pram off the edge?” asked a black mage who was holding a blindfolded and tied up group at gunpoint.
“Er, yes.”
“Well, If you help me throw these idiots over the edge, then I’ll keep quiet, okay?”
“Very good sir… who are they?” Jenkins asked of the moody-looking scarred man, the idiotic-looking fool in the long coat and the silly looking girl with a yellow dress.
“Characters from Final Fantasy 8. The people at Square-Enix hate them too, so I‘m killing them where no one who liked them will ever find the bodies. In a 16 bit game…” said Vivi.
“Very good sir. I note you are a black mage, so why not cast break on them then chuck them over?”
“Aha, smashing! Literally!”

At the bottom, though, there were some seals, who found the pram floating
“Here, your majesty, what the heck is this then?”
“It’s a human child,” said the king of the seals.
“What do we do with it?”
“Well, ordinarily, we’d adopt it but we already have an heir to the throne so…”
At that moment, a statue smashed off the rocks, and a stray leg snapped the neck of the crown prince.
“…Oh, crap. Er, well, we still have the other princes…”
A ballistic Irvine landed on the seals, killing half of them.
“Oh my god, they smashed Squall to pieces and…”
“Crap, knew I forgot something. FIRE IN THE HOLE! Err, Jenkins, pass that grenade launcher, mate. Cheers,” came a voice from up the top of the cliffs.
“DUCK!” yelled the king.
Irvine looked up at the falling explosive.
“Can’t be, it doesn’t have feathe-”
The blast killed the rest of the seal princes.
“Ah. Oh well, let’s adopt this human boy. “

And that’s the story.

Back now
“Well, that be nice, but what happened to the silly girl in the yellow dress?” asked Polly.
“Oh, they just set fire to her,” said Sam.
“Right…”
“Anyway, I’m here with the lads to break you out and help you return to your ship which is three miles away.”
“Very kind of ye. How do ye propose to do that?”
“By stealing one of their ships, of course. They have a harbour a mile or so west of here.”
“I like that plan!” Mick said. Mick’s earliest days as a Pirate were committing Grand Theft Ship.

The Bad Guy’s docks
The sun was falling, and the gloomy dusk light made the water’s shapes look like a group of seals and people swimming towards the ship to the henchman…
A seal jumped onto the ship.
“Hey, Dave, a seal just jumped onto the ship!”
“Really, Mark?”
“Yeah. Should I kill it?”
Mark was tapped on the shoulder, and turned to see a soggy Suzie aiming his own pistol at him.
“Uh… no, not at all. In fact, I think I have a headache coming on…”
“Okay, Dave. Hey, Dave, there are people here who’ve grabbed my gun, should I shoot them?”
“No, I think they’re going to shoot you…”

In fact, they merely knocked them out, and locked them up in the hold.
“We’ve got all your weapons back using our Navy SEAL skills, folks. All you need to do is escape.” Sam said.
“And what will you be doing?” Asked Cawl
“Sinking the ships of theirs that aren’t out already. “
“Ah, good.”
“Watch out for Masacaramonger. I know he looks and effeminate ponce, but he’s a right evil sod. He’ll kill you in a second if he gets the chance,” Sammy warned.

The stolen ship lurched out of it’s dock, and floated slowly out of the harbour, as other ships began to explode, along with some of the harbour buildings.
“Yarr, typical SEALS. They like big explosions, nowhere near as subtle as the Special Arrr Service.” Said Polon, referring to the pirate special forces.
“Cap’n! Ship with lilac sails at five of clock!” yelled the lookout.
“It‘ll be that Mascara bloke! I don’t be thinking anyone else would be pickin’ such an ugly colour for a sail!” Polly said.
“Yarr, That be so last season. Sky blue be in this spring.” Said Cawl.
The Lilac sailed ship started to fire it’s cannon…

This post has been edited by Del S on 5th April 2005 13:35

--------------------

"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

Chapter Seven: Famous last words…
The Ocean Waves
The first shots splashed into the sea beside the stolen vessel, and the pirates readied their return volley. There was a problem, however. To be exact, four other enemy ships nearing.
“Yarr, looks like we be headin’ for a small fleet…” Polon said.
“Yep, Cap’n, and we can sink a small fleet.” Cawl said.
“Only if we be drivin’ it.” Suzie said.
Had The Leaky been here to support them, the task would have been far easier, for her skeleton crew was still a skilled one at sinking things that didn‘t belong to them. As it stood, the rest of the crew had no clue their Captains were heading into a naval skirmish.

On one of the five enemy ships, Captain Jack Rum could not wait to engage in combat. He’d show these pirates a thing or two about Seamanship!
“First mate, ready the cannon! Have the group surround these damned pirates and sink their bloody ship! Lets get in front of the buggers.”

On their bloody ship, Cawl had taken a flintlock rifle, and had begun to develop something a few hundred years early…

Fortunately, he at no point called himself Teh Snipor.

The stolen vessel was powering its way clear of the harbour, exchanging quick volleys of fire with other ships, but so far, speed had seen them dodge the enemy in return for inaccurate counter-cannon. One enemy ship however moved straight in front of them, or tried to.
Mick set light to an arrow, and aimed the longbow carefully.

The burning arrow flew off into the sky, and Captain Rum watched it. Hah, he thought, that would only do damage if it landed in gunpowder, so wet was the wooden timber of the ship. You can’t set fire to wet wood with a little arrow…
…the little arrow promptly landed in a barrel of gunpowder, and blew the decking upwards, and quite probably obliterated the cannon decks. The secondary explosions started, and Rum could only watch as his ship disintegrated below him.

Cawl looked down the looking glass he had affixed to the top of the rifle, and pointed at another ship. A good three hundred yards right now, strong wind blowing west… he did the math, and took a shot at a cannon crewman on the other ship.

The crewman screamed as he felt the lump of metal rip into his shoulder.
“Whats wrong, Minty?” asked the battery commander.
“Some bugger’s just shot me, sir!” Minty said.
“One of us taking pot shots, eh?” the angry commander said, aiming his own pistol.

Cawl’s next shot went into the side of the commanders head, and the result was the dying commander fired his pistol into a barrel of gunpowder. All Cawl saw was the huge cloud of smoke and dust that came up from the explosion soon after his sniper shot had hit the mark. What he didn’t know was the shot had struck gunpowder, and kicked enough out to cause it to touch and ignite upon a flame. The rest was raining around the exploding enemy ship.

“Yarr, mates, we be doin’ well! Two down, three to go!” Polly yelled, as the pirates prepared to make it three-nil…

The smoke and dust of the various explosions masked the stolen ship as it neared one more of the enemy, and by the time they had been recognised, the battery commander of the pirate vessel waved at the commander of the battery less than fifteen feet away from him.
“YOU BASTARDS!” yelled the doomed enemy officer.
“And proud of it, mate, and proud.” Said the pirate, as his gunners smashed apart the target, and readied the next volley.

Up top deck, arrows and bullets had taken out the enemy crew, and now Suzie and a few others with a knack for starting fires had went across. They set their fires, and soon made their way back. In a minute, the enemy vessel burned, and the lilac sailed ship saw this.
“I did warn you, they were not a force to be simply ignored. As I recall, they were some of our best crews,” Said Mascaramonger to his crew.
“Yes sir. I think they’re everything you said now,” said the first mate.
“Very well, William. You know what to do.”
“Yes sir. Prepare a broadside volley, hard to port!”

The lilac sail’s guns swung towards their target, and the gunners took careful aim. The first volley, at a range of five hundred yards, slammed into the bridge and mast of the ship, killing it’s captain and deck crew for sure.

The lilac sail neared the target, and finished it off with one more volley.

Polon and Polly looked at the sight in some bemusement.
“Well, looks like they might be idiots. Full speed ahead, mates! Let’s just outrun the nonce!”

Sadly, the nonce had been fully aware of his actions, and was in a faster ship.

Polon and Polly realised they were being chased quite quickly.
Polon looked up at the lookout.
“HEY! IDIOT!” He screamed. The lookout then fell down from the crow’s nest.
Cawl swore, and ran to the back of the ship.
“Lent, what be wrong?”
“Think they be copyin’ me trick, cap’n. This long ranged marksmanship thing might wind up popular.” Cawl mused, taking aim.
“Someone come over here, help me find some targets!” he asked. A pirate ran over, his own looking glass open.

There were four enemy snipers. Cawl figured he had about forty seconds before they spotted him, and a few mnutes until they caught up and boarded.

Maybe he’d get bonus time as he shot the enemy?

One sniper looked at his friend, who had fallen over with a giant ‘+5’ above his head briefly, and wondered what the hell was going on.

After a surprising amount of sniper fire for a time where rifling happened to other people…
The enemy ship was now a few meters short of catching up, and both sides had ran out of gunpowder, bullets, and arrows, and had resorted to lobbing objects at each other.

The Leaky was now visible on dark horizon, at least, Polon hoped it was the Leaky. Failing that, even the Tycoonian navy or a fellow group of pirates.

No, there were two ships. It was probably the Navy. Or the Leaky had found some friends…

But the fact was, someone was going to board, and that was the enemy, with a numerical advantage. The planks swung across, as did the hooks, and the swords were drawn.
“Well then, yes dogs! Come across and prepare for death!” Yelled Mick.




--------------------

"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

Chapter Eight: Black Beard Down:
Tycoon
As the battle reached its bloody end on the seas, a man known only as The Jackass watched Tycoon castle. He was an expert in murder, assassination, and puff pastry. His face was nondescript, he was a master of disguise and unknown to virtually everyone-
“Hey, there’s the Jackass! How are you, Jack?” said a townsperson.
The Jackass froze, and looked down the street. No one around. He stabbed the man.
“Oh, theres the Jackass!” said a woman, who was accompanied by a friend. He shot them both with his pistol bows, and started to hurredly walk down the street.
“Hello, Jackass!” said a Militiaman, and the assassin groaned. Why did all fourteen people who knew his name and face outside his employers organisation have to all be standing on the one bloody street?

The Castle
Princess Reina looked at the moonlight. She had recently begun to worry about things, possibly unnecessarily, as her birthday parade approached. Father had assured her the castle guard were competent, would prevent assassins attacks, not that any were threatened, and that was supposed to reassure her. This despite the fact she daily snuck straight past the gaurds without them even waking up. She just hoped Tycoon had someone competent around…

The Stolen Ship
The battle was in full motion.
Polon swung his sword at an approaching henchman, and the man fell screaming.
“…Yarr, I missed ye.”
“True, but I missed you and got me!”

Suzie walked around, randomly stabbing Henchmen in random, but always, painful places.

Cawl was whacking enemies in the faces with his rifle, clutching it like a madman and grinning as if he were on some narcotic.

Mick simply swiped away at the enemy.

Cannon had picked up a boarding plank, and batted the enemy into the sea with it.

Polly basically just stabbed things.

The henchmen had not made much ground, Mascaramonger saw.
“Oh well, you want it done, do it yourself.”
He looked at the two approaching ships. The gloom of the night made the shapes hard to identify, but he knew they would not be on his side. His side did not include Pirates, the Navy, or other ships from Evil Villain’s fleet.

The two pirate vessels sped through the waters, towards the two other ships. They’d be there in less than ten minutes, their destination lit by the flames of the wrecks.

Mascaramonger leapt straight from his bridge onto the deck of the stolen ship, and in the process, cut down two pirates.
Cawl was closest, and swung the butt of his rifle at the extravagantly-clothed swordsman. Despite looking like a big girl’s blouse, the villain had a punch like a jackhammer, and Cawl was flung backwards, unconscious, but still hugging the rifle.

Suzie was next up, jumping at him with a flying kick. Mascaramonger simply grabbed her foot and flung her headfirst into the planks of the deck.

Mick swung his blade at him. The two swordfighters weaved their blades at each other, trying to find an opening, but Mascaramonger seemed to be trying to disarm the pirate.
“Look, you fool, I’m not here to fight!“
“Then why be yer men fighting?“ Mick asked
“It’s a long story. But I need to speak to your captains.“
Mick swung in another attack, which Masacaramonger parried.
“Afraid I can’t be letting’ you do that, ye cur. Ye be mine.“ Mick said, swining once more.
“Fine then, you want to play around, I’ll play around. But I don’t always play nice!”
Mascaramonger let loose a flurry of sword swipes, and Mick was forced onto the defensive.
“Yarr! Ye cheatin’ dog!” Mick said, and swung a punch at the strange swords”man”.
Mascaramonger cut his hand off, followed very quickly by his head.
“NOT THE FACE, ALRIGHT?!”

“MICK!” yelled Polon.
Mascaramonger stopped, and spoke:
“That was not what I was aiming for, Shake. If you’d bloody listen for a second, I have something to tell you.”
“Unless it be please don’t hurt me, you nonce, I would be shutting up and dying now!” Screamed Polly.
The battle had halted briefly. The few remaining Henchmen and Pirates circled each other as their leaders squared off. Cannon stood with his Captains. The injured groaned as loud as the timber of the ship.
“It’s to help your mission. Evil Villain is a madman. I have to stop him, and so do you.”
“So, to help us succeed you kill our second in command? That be some special thing you learned in stupid school?”
“It was him or me. I’ll tell you what to do, and you can stop Evil Villian’s real plot. But you have to listen.”
Polon looked at his sister, and at Cannon.
“We don’t be havin’ much of a choice here, Cap’ns. He has information, we be needin’ it. Mick would understand.” Cannon said.
“Polly?”
“Yarr. Cannon be right.”
“Fine, then, ye steaming great Jessie. Spill the beans, or we spill yer guts.”

“Evil Villain has sent an assassin called the Jackass to Tycoon, his mission to kill off the Royal Family. After the King and his daughter are dead, next in line to the throne is Evil Villains brother.”
“And that be?” Cannon asked
“Lord Rotten Villain. It’s a power play, and nothing more. He gets Tycoon led by his puppet, he gets the world’s most powerful Armies to start conquering it. He conquers it, he hands things over to someone backing him. Ex-Death, I think he’s called.”
“Well, whoever he be, he’s not a trouble yet. We’ll deal with this Jackass dog first.” Polon said.
“To do that, you need to reach Tycoon tonight. The Parade is tomorrow.” said the traitorous villain, as he left to his own ship, which then floated away.
Polon surveyed the damage, as the leaky and another ship neared.
The other ship belonged to Captain Faris, and at the helm was Sam, along with Faris.
“Sam? Do you be stalkin’ us?” Asked Polly.
“Not quite. Turns out Faris here knows you as well.”
“Faris, ye old dog.” Polon said. It was good news, for the ship of the other Pirate was far faster than the Leaky, partly down to it’s unusual propulsion method. A sodding great sea dragon.
“I can see what have happened here, Mate, so I’ll just say, get the hell aboard me ship, and let’s go wherever ye want to go,” Faris said.
The few pirates on the stolen vessel soon transferred to Faris’ ship, and they sped off for Tycoon, taking one last look at the stolen vessel which was now burning as the last respects to their fallen comrades were played out, with a cremation at sea. The Leaky followed the faster ship, at about half speed in comparison, and Polon for one was glad of the fact he didn’t need to worry about piloting the boat. It was better to be a passenger when you were mourning a friend and colleague.

On his own ship, Mascaramonger pondered the future. With only his most trusted alive, maybe now he could finally be free of that wretched lunatic... maybe now, he could become the most feared name on the face of the planet after all...
...and maybe he could get a better shirt. This pink was clashing terribly with the bloodstains.

--------------------

"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.