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This will probably be a very serious and possibly sad topic, but I need to do it.

I recently learned that one of my dearest friends, whom I recently reacquainted with, had a cancer ever since the first time I knew her.

During the somewhat five years that I knew her, I had known that she had a disease without really knowing what it was, but I didn't see any interest in asking her what it was. She had a pale skin, and didn't go out under direct sunlight, so I assumed it was a reaction to sun, possibly an allergy. I also assumed it was taking care of as are a lot of diseases that you can live with.

The fact is that at the moment I met with her (she was 18), she was under treatment, and had recently known about her Hodgkin disease. I met her at the place where I spent a good part of my summer holidays back then, and where she was going to ever since she was born; at this moment, only her closest friends were aware that she was sick, but none told me of course.

The cancer went into remission, and reappeared a year after that. The next time I saw her she was still under treatment, so I thought that it was the same thing that she had the previous year. Adopting the same behaviour, I didn't press anyone to know exactly what it was.

Last week her doctor told her that she was cured of her Hodgkin. During a casual conversation yesterday, she brought up her cancer. I was stunned for a few time. She had alway assumed that I knew about it, and that I chose not to bother with it (an attitude she said she was grateful for).


Now that I know about it, I see her differently. Various parts of her personnality were defined by that disease, in fact a lot of what I like about her was determined by how she reacted to this horrible disease, at an age where you should be dealing with other problems. She built herself around this and despite it.

I never had an experience of dealing with cancer around me, wether it would be my friends or family. I'm still thinking about this, and since I can't get it out of my head, I decided to post it to get feedback from members, possibly members that had an experience dealing with a significant other's cancer.
I don't think that knowing that now will change my relationship with her (I love her very much, and I wouldn't let something like this change that), but it does change how I see her, and I have yet to find out how that could affect us.


I'd like thoughts and maybe opinions on the subjects, but also (if it's not too hard to speak about it) personal history with dealing with cancer. I know it's not the happiest thread ever, but I need it.

This post has been edited by Mr Thou on 30th August 2004 09:25

Wow.....

First off, I'm sorry. Watching someone you care about deal with cancer is one of the harder things to do in life.

I watched my grandmother die from bone cancer. It reached a point at the end where she lived in constant pain. Every sneeze or cough held the possibility of fracturing a rib or someother bone. Her last weeks were hopefully dulled to it by the pain medicine, but I know that her passing was extremely painful.

I'll be praying for your friend.... and you as well.

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Join the Army, see the world, meet interesting people - and kill them.

~Pacifist Badge, 1978

In this day and age, for whatever reason, most all of us have to go through this sadness at one time or another. That doesn't make it any more pleasant to deal with, of course, but it DOES mean that at the very least you have a collection of friends to help.

Unfortunately, Hodgkin's can be a real tough cookie. It has the ability to come back years down the road. Not to scare you, because Hodgkin's is something that you can indeed live with and live a full life with; but like many cancerous issues, it does have the power to sometimes come back.

But it's wonderful news that it has been defeated in your friend. If the doctor is confident in beating it, there's a good chance she'll never have to deal with it again. (BTW, is this the friend we were talking about the other day who was moving South?)

Cancer, or any serious disease, will not usually change a relationship with someone you truly love, IMO. She was never less than a full person, even when the disease might have weakened her. If anything, I think you should have lots of hope that any energy that she lost for all those years will come back to her now, and she'll be even more vibrant than the girl you knew before. The things you liked about her, which I assume to be a mature attitude and outlook on life, will probably be softened a bit but will never go away.

Maybe I'm off base and I don't quite understand where you are coming from, in which case I'd be grateful to have you explain further. I am sure I can't quite understand your own personal situation perfectly - every situation like this is quite different.

It's hard for me to understand because I've never undergone something similar. The first person who was afflicted with cancer at an age when I could understand it was in 1999; my grandfather finally was hit with it as a result of years of smoking. He quit around the time I was born, and while his health detiorated, it never got to him that much until then - he became sick while eating Thanksgiving dinner with us, my first year away from home for school and my first holiday back. He was diagnosed the next Monday, and didn't survive to see Christmas that year. I missed making it home to say goodbye by a day and a half.

My Dad also was diagnosed with cancer, again from bad habits - his also being tobacco, but the chewing kind. It started to eat a hole in his lip, and it required some minor surgery to lop out. It didn't change him, but I think very few things could really change him - for better or for worse, I suppose.

I know one person who it did change dramatically - my wife's mother was afflicted with breast cancer in 1998; she had to go through chemotherapy, radiation, the works. In some respects, it emphasized traits in her that were more dormant before - she's become more paranoid and more upset about what people might judge her for, and her own personal outlook has become more pessimistic even though she has beaten the cancer. It caused her to divorce her husband and remarry, and has caused significant issues with her relationship with my wife. But you should not take this as a worrying sign, Dave, because these issues were ALWAYS there, and we always knew they were there. They just did not come out with force until the cancer. And since you have known your friend for so long and she had the cancer for all that time, I don't think you have to worry about this.

I hope that helped. I don't like welling up with tears at work for just any old reason.

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"To create something great, you need the means to make a lot of really bad crap." - Kevin Kelly

Why aren't you shopping AmaCoN?

I used to see cancer as a very scary ordeal that killed you quickly, with no hope. I guess I had that impression from watching too much tv, but when I was a kid, cancer was instant death in my mind. My grandfather died of Leukemia when I was little (he survived WWII, but it was Leukemia that got him afterwards), and then later on, I found out that a women whose daughter I babysat had breast cancer. She, however, recieved very timely treatment and was just fine.

I work now as a medical receptionist for my father (Doctor, Internal Medicine), and I see a lot of people with cancer. Cancer of Lung, of Prostate, of Tongue, of Colon, of Skin, of Breast, just about every imaginable kind. At first, I was a little depressed by this. I'd see someone come in that I knew had some sort of cancer, and there is a list in my head of people whose names I'd wait to see come up in the mail at work, so I could know if what they have is benign or not. There always seemed to be more and more cancer, and less that we could really do about it.

My attitude has changed since then, though. Sure, lots of people still have cancer (especially of Lung and of Prostate. Must be a regional thing.), but they're going on with their lives. And they're surviving. The ones that are dying are still going about their lives, and it makes me feel more relaxed. I don't think they'd want anyone's pity.

I'd still be quite upset if it happened to someone I was close to.

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I had an old signature. Now I've changed it.

I had the unfortunate news that one of the girls I had known from high school had it, she completly gave up on life and went into methamphetamine addiction. I prayed for her so much and still do from time to time. I hope that we can find a cure for this shit so we can get it out of our society.

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At times one remains faithful to a cause only because its opponents do not cease to be insipid.
Friedrich Nietzsche (1844 - 1900)

When I was about 11, I was told my grandfather was "Really sick", which was codename for stomach cancer.. It was hard hearing about how your most favorite person in the world was, enivitably, going to die. Our parents tried to keep us away, but in the end, (We, meaning my older sister and myself,) forced them to take us. It was a hard site to see your grandfather, who had always been something like jolly, wasted away to nothing because he had to eat only liquids through a tube. It's hard. Because inevitably you know that if this doesn't recede, and Stomach cancer rarely does, that that person is going to die. It was the hardest funeral I ever went to .

I hope your friend gets better Mr Thou. Watching a loved one die before your eyes is a sad thing that to many people have to go through.

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If you've been mod-o-fied,
It's an illusion, and you're in-between.
Don't you be tarot-fied,
It's just alot of nothing, so what can it mean?
~Frank Zappa

Sins exist only for people who are on the Way or approaching the Way