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So... this is my first fanfic, but I have been into writing for quite some time now. It is serialized, but I intend to complete it, provided nothing happens to me in the meantime. Enjoy?





Aftermath


All of the magic left that day. The Espers disappeared, magical weapons lost their powers and vanished, and once again mankind was put back into the ways of steam power. And that was fine… for almost everyone. But if you have lived with that power inside of you for your entire life, letting go isn’t so easy. And for Terra Branford, an easy life had never been within grasp. It had been two weeks since the Returners had finally destroyed Kefka and brought balance back to the planet. And since then they had been trying to reconstruct their lives, at least to a point. Edgar was back at Figaro Castle with Sabin, trying to set up a dual ruling system so that he didn’t have to stay at the castle all of the time. Setzer was talking to the owner of the coliseum about adding a casino (from which he would of course profit) to the workings. Celes was supposedly with Locke and Cid. Though Celes had proclaimed over and over that Locke was only accompanying her as an escort, Terra was fairly certain that she knew better. The two had gotten very close during the adventure. Mog was back at Narshe, and Umaro was helping him look for the other Moogles that had scattered into the mines during the apocalypse. Relm and Strago had returned to Thamasa, and Gau decided to go with them. All he really wanted was a family, but Strago probably had more than he could handle just caring for Relm. Shadow had left for Kholingen, but mentioned something about important business in Thamasa later. Something about “righting just a few of the pasts wrongs.” Cyan was back at Doma, but it didn’t look like there was a point really. Only he and several other Domans had escaped Kefka’s poison, mostly because they had fled early on in General Leo’s campaign. Gogo was gone. He had simply vanished, and was not even with the group when they boarded the Falcon to escape the tower. After Kefka died, and the Warring Triad was destroyed, the planet again became green, and life began anew. And Terra had returned to Mobliz, though only for a short time. There was a place she needed to go. Life still did not hold the simple spark that it brought others for her. And so to find that spark, she was going to seek out the only people who might hold the answers for her. Terra was going on a journey, to find the family of Leo Cristophe, the Empire’s most celebrated general, and the wisest man she had ever met.

By all means feel free to reply. Criticism or not, its gotta help.

I'm not quite sure if there's much to say at this point. Is this the whole first chapter? It reads more like it's just a prolague, an introduction to what the story will constitute. So far, I gather that Terra's the main protagonist of this story, and that it could fit into a drama catagory.

It's interesting, even from just this small segment. I guess you've also come to the conclusion that Terra's calling lies not in Mobliz after all. Much like my in-progess fanfic, though this revelation comes about in a much different variety in your story than mine(I will assume you've read my FF6 fanfic already).

Is there any kind of specific feedback you are looking for?

It seems rather un-subtle, and as Frozen_Aura pointed out, a lot more like a prologue. I don't know if that's your writing style, or it's just the way your prologue is written. I suppose I'd be wiling to see if you take a more artistic, and less "and then" direction with the writing.

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If you've been mod-o-fied,
It's an illusion, and you're in-between.
Don't you be tarot-fied,
It's just alot of nothing, so what can it mean?
~Frank Zappa

Sins exist only for people who are on the Way or approaching the Way

Here is the first real chapter. Hope it makes things a little clearer.



Stranger in the night

“Look here lady, I don’t care who you are. I’ve got a huge cargo shipment to make, and there just aren’t any cabins that haven’t been taken by my crew! If you are looking to get to South Figaro, it won’t be on my boat. I’m sorry.” The captain walked away from Terra, as she stood on the dock, feeling rather forlorn and dejected. Two days ago she had set out from Mobliz after promising Katarin to return soon. The trek to the docks had taken almost the entire two days, and she was exhausted. All she had brought with her was a small traveling pack with provisions for about a week, and a small sword. After all, what was there to worry about? She had stood up to the most powerful man in the universe only weeks ago. And if Kefka couldn’t make her give up, then a scruffy cargo boat captain certainly wasn’t going to have much effect. “I know the king of Figaro, Edgar. He can repay you much more than I can. But you have to understand! I have to be in South Figaro by tomorrow night!” Truth was, Terra really didn’t know why she needed to go to South Figaro. It just felt like the right thing to do. Almost like a force was pulling her there. And plus it seemed like a good place to pick up any information about the Cristophe family that could be found. The man seemed to mull the proposition over in his head, stroking his beard reflectively. “Alright fine. You’ve got yourself a ride. But I don’t want any trouble out of you. We leave first thing in the morning. Get some sleep if you need it. Kell! Be more careful with that! How is Owzer gonna feel if his prize vase is shattered?! I must have told you…” Terra lost the rest of the sentence. Making sure she had her things, she turned to the small inn that had been constructed not far behind the docks. The small port consisted of nothing more than ship berthing areas, and inn and a tiny pub. The innkeeper instantly recognized her as “that Returner woman”, and offered her a room on the house. Terra instantly agreed, and hurried to her bed, passing out almost before she hit the sheets. After two nights of sleeping on hard ground, just about anything else seemed like luxury. It must have only been several hours later when she heard the muffled thump, and the crash of breaking glass. She sat upright, probing the inky darkness with her eyes. “Of all the times to not even be able to cast fire…” she muttered. As if from nowhere, a small lantern was lit. Standing just a few feet from the bed, was a man Terra had seen only once, and could barely recognize now. He had long silver hair that had once been braided into a magnificent ponytail, but now hung in scraggly strands about his face. The muscles around his arms and bare chest were still apparent, and he wore long blue pants. His voice was slow and gravelly. “If you move, if you talk, if you even think and I don’t like it, I will kill you. Take my word for it, or not. It is your life after all.” Terra studied him silently. What had his name been? Why couldn’t she remember? Her thoughts were shattered by the return of his voice. “Do you know who I am? Do you remember Mt. Kolts?” Something snapped in her brain. “Yes Vargas. I do remember you. You tried to kill Locke, Edgar and I, and even Sabin. What do you want?” He smiled, a surprisingly human expression despite his frightful appearance. “I’m coming with you to South Figaro, and then to the castle. Dear old Sabin needs a little…reunion, I think. And if you do anything to try and warn anyone, you’ll wish that it was Kefka who brought you to your end.” “But what do you need me for? You could easily get there on your own.” Terra didn’t understand what was going on in the least, but she sure didn’t like it. Vargas chuckled. “Do you truly think they would allow me into Figaro Castle?! Sabin hates me! I’m going with you to ensure myself a way inside!” Terra contemplated his words. “And if I disagree, let you kill me now?” Vargas leaned in close, and Terra could feel his hot breath on her face. With magic and the ability to transform into her Esper form, he would have been no problem at all. But seeing as all she had was her small sword, she was terrified. One swift punch with those hands…and who knew what else he had learned since their meeting on Kolts… His voice sounded smoother up close. “Let me just say that I know where Mobliz is, and I know about the children, mama!” Terra hung her head. She had no choice. She would die before she let anything happen to the children. And surely Sabin and Edgar could help, if she could warn them. “Fine. I’ll do it. But the boat captain barely let me on. How are you going to manage?” “You let me worry about that.” He put the light out, and headed for the door. And from the darkness, Terra heard his last words very clearly. “And Terra, if you think of doing anything stupid, just remember those kids, and how fragile their bones are. Goodnight.”

Whoa...this is like a big run on sentence to my brain. Okay, I see punctuation, but no seperation between characters and descriptions...

I suggest you space this out like such:

“Look here lady, I don’t care who you are. I’ve got a huge cargo shipment to make, and there just aren’t any cabins that haven’t been taken by my crew! If you are looking to get to South Figaro, it won’t be on my boat. I’m sorry.”

The captain walked away from Terra, as she stood on the dock, feeling rather forlorn and dejected. Two days ago she had set out from Mobliz after promising Katarin to return soon. The trek to the docks had taken almost the entire two days, and she was exhausted. All she had brought with her was a small
traveling pack with provisions for about a week, and a small sword.


Or something to that effect. I mean, it's hard for the readed to see who's saying what and when a new conversation starts. Look in a novel for a reference if that helps, It can show you how to space it so it looks less like agiant paragraph and more like seperate incidents. Just some friendly advice.

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This is a webcomic and gaming blog where I rant about nonsense. Enjoy.

I was a soldier, now I just play one in video games.

Yeah. That sounds good. Im definitely doing that with the next chapter. Just call this one...laziness.

Quote

Im definitely doing that with the next chapter.

you know you can edit your post, meaning you can make corrections, such as makeing paragraphs and spelling errors. I just thought I would point that out, if you felt like making it easier to read.

Anyway, it's really not that bad, better than some that I read. Just keep writing, whether bad or good, and you'll find you'll always get better. What you want to do when you are writing fan-fics is not just like say what's going on, but make it interesting or mysterious if you know what I mean.

For example, which style of these sentences (which are saying the same thing, just in a different way) sound more interesting:

An excerpt from Final Fantasy X, Aaron:

What he could've said: "Do you want to live or die. Choose now."

What he did say:

""Now! This is it! Now is the time to choose! Die and be free of pain or live and fight your sorrow! Now is the time to shape your stories! Your fate is in your hands!"

It's all in the way you word it, even though you probably already knew that, I just thought I would say that. All I want is for you to be a success in your writing, and let's see more soon.



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Acts 2:38
Then Peter said unto them, Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Chrsit for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost

Acts 4:12

Matthew 28:19
Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost

Writing about Gogo is difficult, and anyone that does it efficiently, hats off to you. He? She? It? What sounds best. At any rate, here is the next installment.

If a villains tower falls on a mime…

The wind near the wreckage was fierce. And the figure who stood nearby was having a difficult time keeping its many robes and hoods in place. Even though green had returned to the grasses around it, no one dared go near Kefka’s former lair. Not out of superstition, but out of fear of the man who had dwelt inside. For a year Kefka had tormented the many towns around the world with his Light of Judgement, and that was a memory everyone wanted to forget. The twisted scraps of metal and assorted debris made forgetting a very difficult thing to do though.

“Hmm. What a pity that no one ever came to look for me. But, who has ever been that attached to a mime anyways?” Gogo did indeed feel slightly disappointed by the fact that none of the Returners had come back for him, but it doubted they would have thought it could survive the collapse of the tower. Even it had doubted surviving that. And the escape from the wreckage hadn’t been much fun either.
At any rate, it needed to find out what had happened while it was missing.

“Albrook or Tzen…hmm.. I don’t know anyone at either…” Ultimately it struck out for Albrook, being the closest town to the tower. It only took an hours trek, but when Gogo crested the final hill, there was a sight below that nearly took its breath away. The Falcon sat nestled in the grass just outside of the town. And Setzer had obviously cleaned it up since the raid on the tower. The majestic airship looked freshly painted, with new propellers and everything. It quickly rushed into town, and questioned the first man it saw. Suddenly images flashed through Gogo’s mind. He saw himself in a castle, a shadowy man laughed, then threw some knife at Sabin. It was Figaro Castle! And then Gogo was diving in front of the knife, and…as quickly as it had come, the vision was gone. But…hadn’t it seen the dream before? While in the wreckage? All Gogo knew was that it needed to be at Figaro by the next night, or Sabin would meet a gruesome fate.

“Excuse me, but could you-“Gogo was cut off by the man’s strangled cry of surprise. “Ahhh! What in the world are you? Are you even human? Under all those clothes?!?!?!? Am I addressing a man or a woman!?” Gogo had obviously frightened the man, though it couldn’t imagine why. This guy had seen the whole planet plunged into ruin and then rebuilt in a year. Why a stranger in odd clothes should make him tremble it couldn’t imagine. “I doubt that there is anyone alive now that could answer that, nor will there ever be anyone in the future. I just need to know where the owner of that airship is. He is and old friend of mine.” The man didn’t answer, just pointed a gnarled hand toward the café. Gogo regarded him with dark piercing eyes, the only body part that was still visible. “Thank you.”

Inside the café it was warm and cozy. Several waitresses shuffled back and forth, serving the rather large group of patrons. It didn’t take long for Gogo to spot Setzer. He was sitting at a small circular table in the corner where the lighting was at its lowest. Gogo also observed that he was locked in an intense card game with two men it didn’t recognize. Gogo sauntered right up behind Setzer, cleared its throat, and began speaking and gesturing at the same time and in the same way as he did. “Look, if you can’t match my bet, maybe you should-WHO IS DOING THAT?!” Setzer threw his cards down and spun in his chair. “Great ghost of Gestahl…Gogo! Is that you!? We thought we had lost you!” He jumped up and grabbed Gogo in a fierce hug. “How did you survive the destruction of the tower?” Gogo smiled behind its layers of garments. “It wouldn’t be the first time something I was in crashed to the ground and left me buried beneath it. Being a mime and master of the simulacrum offers me a great deal of protection. My purpose on this planet is apparently not complete yet. But enough about that, what has happened to the others?”

Setzer lit the lamp in the cabin of the Falcon. It had grown dark by the time Gogo arrived at the café and he wanted to be able to talk without interruptions. Gogo sat across from him at the poker table. “We all split up shortly after Kefka’s defeat. Not permanently, just long enough to get our lives back into order. The only ones I’ve talked to recently are Cyan and Locke. But that was only because they were both in Kohlingen when I was. Dunno about anyone else.” Gogo sat still for a moment. Then it spoke, in it’s tone of voice, a voice that betrayed nothing about the entity underneath the garments. “I need to get to Figaro Castle by tomorrow night. I had a dream about Terra. She will be there as well. Don’t ask me how I know this. I just feel the need to be there, or tragedy will surely befall Edgar and Sabin.” Setzer sat very still. Gogo had only come back into his world an hour ago, and even during the fight against Kefka he had never really spoken to him much. But it was Returer…and Setzer needed a little adventure…but he couldn’t make it look like he was doing it out of the goodness of his heart. Even after everything that had happened, Setzer Gabbiani was still a gambler and a businessman. “I’m building a casino at the coliseum. I dunno if I can just take time out of my schedule to ferry you around you know” Gogo just stared straight through Setzer and replied in Edgar’s voice. “That is your own choice. But if I am not there, for one reason or another Sabin will die.”

This post has been edited by Forte1989 on 16th April 2007 23:01