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Okay, I know, I haven't been here in a while. It's because of depression and stuff like that. Don't ask about it, cuz it's personal, and that's not what I'm here to talk about. You see, during times of anger and depression is the perfect time to write Metal, esspecially if your friend is uber at playing Guitar and has a drummer friend, and has awesome recording equipment. But BEFORE I record (first recording session is on Saturday) I want to get some opinions on the lyrics. I sort of wrote them up quickly and in a rage, which is where I suspect a lot of Metal comes from. Don't worry, if you say something bad, it's not flaming, it's Constructive Criticism, which is exactly what I'm looking for.

Note that there are a million and nine metaphors and symbols in these lyrics, so you probably won't understand most of it. But I still want your criticism. If you're not a Metal fan, please tell me, but you're of course welcome to critique the lyrics anyway, but just make sure to let me know if you don't like Metal.

OK, here they are.

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THE FOUR FOUNTAINS

Wade with me in the fountains of sorrow
A pool of blood and tears
(Fear)
Walk through the terror of darkness tommorow
you cannot escape your fears!
(Fear)

Drink with me from the fountains of pain
where I've lived for years
(Anger)
Taste the blood from the dark fountain's rain
you must cleanse your soul with tears!
(Anger)

(short guitar solo)
COME WITH ME TO THE FOUR FOUNTAINS! OFFER YOUR SOUL TO OBSCURITY!
(short guitar solo)

Bathe with me in the fountains of War
it's time to go to Hell
(Hate)
You see many things, lives taken, more
Let's toll the funeral bell
(Hate)

Fall with me in the fountains of Death
We can hear the final knell
(Suffer)
We shall put eachothers souls to rest
and finally find our Hell.
(Suffer)

(Solo)

BRING IT ON, A*****E!
THIS IS WHAT I LIVED FOR!
THIS IS WHAT I DIED FOR!

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So... or ?

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Yami no kanata
Hikari no todokanu hate ni
Ima mo hitori
Kodoku na tabi o tsuzuketeiru

well...its "emo" which is a ...but it has too many Satinist references ...im a Christian so im not tryin to offend you...

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delete me

It's not Satanism. It's referencing the Book of Revelations. I'm Christian too... and I was actually trying to AVOID sounding emo.

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Yami no kanata
Hikari no todokanu hate ni
Ima mo hitori
Kodoku na tabi o tsuzuketeiru

I prefer classic rock and some 80's rock; having said that, these lyrics kind of sound like Nightwish to me, if only because I don't listen to metal much (though I do happen to like Nightwish). If that's what you're going for, great, but (and I'm not trying to generalize) I don't know how many metal-heads you're going to find on this forum.

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Squenix games completed:

FFIII
FFIV
FFVI
FFVII
FFIX
FFX
FF Tactics: Advance 2
Chrono Trigger
Dragon Quest 8
Dragon Quest 11
Super Mario RPG

I like listening to metal.
Having said that, I also like listening to some hip-hop, jazz, folk, etc etc...

I'll put it this way: trying to reference the Book of Revelation and putting in only two Horsemen's names is not good.

The last bit, the one with the "a*****e" is totally unnecessary...

Also, no offense, but I'm getting tired of seeing lyrics written out of depression...then again, I used to do that. I got over it.

Good luck with the song.

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"I fell off the mountain of words at around the 10,000ft mark. Tell my family...they owe me money." -Narratorway

"If you retort against this, so help me God I'll shove any part of your anatomy I can find into some other part. Figuratively, of course." - Josh

"We have more, can deliver tuesday." - Del S

Good old CoN

I'm open to any and all forms of music, be it electronica or pop to the heaviest hitting of metal. I also like to think I know a thing or two about music. I'm not the kind of person who thinks the lyrics alone are what makes the song or even just vocal delivery, but I definitely think that having good lyrics will improve the overall feel of the song.

That being said, metal is probably one of the more annoying genres to write for, as you want to try and avoid falling into the stereotypes and cliches that plague the genre. So on that note, let's get to your lyrics!

First of all, it shows that this was written in anger. This can be greatly cathartic for the writer, but the problem is that often times you start falling into things that have been done to death, for instance your use of "pool of blood and tears". "You cannot escape your fears". Now, unless you're aiming for cheesey 80's brand metal, you definitely would want to consider not using those lines. The end use of asshole is gratuitous, there are few times swearing really works in a song, even in metal and considering your theme and the general flow of the lyrics, this is not one of those times. Your last few lines seem to throw off the rest of the piece as well, as you seem to be the one inviting us to join you and then suddenly throwing it off. Also, it was mentioned, but if you're going to call the song "four fountains", it's best to reference all four of the horsemen or what they represent and with a little more passion.

Which brings me to my last point, while it shows that this was an angry set of words, it also seems thrown together and it really doesn't convey all that much, there's no "umph", no personal touch or anything that stands out. You're either not angry enough or not pouring enough of your thoughts or soul into this. It's not a bad start for a metal song, but I think you need to give it a little more bang and a little less cheese.

Anyways, it's not bad and definitely something you can work with, so keep working at it and keep it up.

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Okay, but there was a goat!

Emo Christians? What has this world come to?

Heh, seriously though, I essentially second what DF has to say. It feels really simple, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but in this case with the particular ideals you're trying to incorporate, more feels necessary. It's kind of reminiscent of some of the stuff I wrote when I was first starting off, a strong ideal in theory, but just not enough. If you catch my drift.

And, yeah, the end is really unneccesary. In all honesty it feels to me like it comes out of nowhere. We've got a guy singing about fountains of hell, and then he just ends by going "BRING IT ON ASSHOLE" COMPLETELY unnecessary.

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This one time I punched a bear in the forehead TO DEATH! I still have the scars on my chest. I am the manliest man that ever did man.

League: Z3roHawk
Steam: Zero_Hawk
Wii U: Zero_Hawk
FF14 - Goblin - Zero Hawk <Fiend>

I'm more of a punk kinda guy, and am not really into metal, though I guess a couple Slayer songs are okay...

Here's what I was thinking as I was reading this song :

What is this song supposed to mean?

Referencing the apocalypse is kind of stale.

He should have taken out everything in parenthesis.

There doesn't seem to be any point behind this song at all except to fit some kind of creepy mood...

The last stanza is ridiculous.

That being said I'll try to make this constructive criticism rather than just what was going through my head as I read this. Generally, before you write a song you have to think about what you want it to mean, you don't want to just throw out obscure references that sound kind of demonic because that's cliche and corny and it's been heard a million times before. You also want to make sure the lyrics flow with the song. Depending on how you choose to sing it you can fit almost anything over a song, but usually it's a good idea to hear the music before you write the lyrics.

That's just my two cents, take it or leave it.

I'm not into Metal at all. I don't hold it against anyone who does though - like some people.

I can't really connect with the lyrics but I can take a back seat and moan about the structure. I believe that the Anger section should come before Fear, I've always felt that way, but that's just my outlook. Also the "short guitar solo" could maybe come after Hate? It gives the final death/suffer stanza more effect if you can see where I'm coming from. As mentioned before, the outro-ish thing needs some polishing.

And what do you mean by "OFFER YOUR SOUL TO OBSCURITY"?

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Scepticism, that dry rot of the intellect, had not left one entire idea in his mind.

Me on the Starcraft.

Yes, yes... Release your anger, let it flow within you. jk. Sounds neat, id have to hear how it was presented musicly to really tell you, but the lyrics are soul filled and you have a good grasp of the style. I also like music that speaks from beyond the grave.

Quote

THIS IS WHAT I LIVED FOR!
THIS IS WHAT I DIED FOR!

Cool stuff, I'm only into the angry depressing stuff...when im angry and depressed but i have a feeling this might be up my alley

This post has been edited by Basch on 12th December 2006 16:10

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This is my story...

I will never be a memory

It's rather pedestrian, even for emo/death metal. Keep writing, though. Everyone needs to start somewhere, despite their choice of genre.

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"You broke my f***ing sitar, mother f***er."
-Anton A. Newcombe

"Yet another 'use your sword to magically deliver death from above' character comes in somewhere between the Living Cabbage and Milkmaid character options." -red_beard_neo

The rhyming is good, and overall the lyrics are well written. However, well written doesn't necessarily make them 'awesome'. I feel like I've seen them before... more than once. The whole first stanza, about fear, isn't memorable and doesn't have much impact because it has several words and phrases very overused by writers in this genre, and it makes it feel impersonal.

'Bring it on, asshole" doesn't work. Period. It sounds more like something you'd find in some of that mainstream 'gangsta' rap than something from a metal song that has a 'deeper' mood up until that point.

I do like the idea for this song, and the first lines of each stanza sound pretty cool, but the follow up lines turn it into a typical angsty!poem.

Keep it up, though, and good luck~

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Come with me so I can show you how to live
Burning the candle at both ends
I’m gripping at the walls around me
Don’t complicate it
I’m addicted to this life
I’ll be your token of attention
All my lies come down to this
-Orgy, "Beautiful Disgrace"

It's kinda hard to explain where I was trying to go with this... hmmm... well, it's not NECESSARILY a book of Revelations referece. It's more like waiting for it. And the genre I was sort of going for was sort of an Epic Power Metal (which explains why it's somewhat cheesy), but still maintaining some level of death and anger to release.

Ya, I kinda threw Asshole in there at random. I'll just get rid of it... it's not even that much of a swear, though.

Yeah... this song is sort of a huge maintained metaphor on life as a whole... I probably should've explained what I was going for in better detail.

The First Stanza is about Birth, believe it or not. I admit my outlook on life is somewhat grim, but coming into the Earth is sort of an entry into sorrow, and you have a life of fear and darkness ahead of you from birth.

The Second Stanza deals with adolescence/young adulthood. So far, in my adolescence, young adulthood, I've had a plethora of nervous breakdowns, bouts with extreme depression (and yet I still refuse to take antidepressants), betrayals, disappointments, friends on the verge of or having already killed themselves... basically nothing's worked. And 95% of the people I know function the same way.

The little part in the middle is just a supplement to the guitar part. I didn't wanna say "Offer your soul to darkness", way to cliche, so I used the word obscurity as a substitute. Somebody asked about it.

Stanza #3 is about the vast expanse of life... from where I'm sitting. The world is so shitty that you see and/or hear about a million and nine evil deeds a day, and it's so troubling... but you're gonna have to deal with it your whole life, and by then, you're just waiting to die.

Stanza #4 is obviously about Dying. If you didn't notice, the tone of the fourth stanza and the words used are less angry than in all the other stanzas. I use words like "Finally" and "Rest", symbolizing that the REAL Hell is right here, and Hell couldn't possibly be any worse.

Now that I think about it, I have no idea what the fuck I was thinking with that last part... I was supposed to be from beyond the grave... but why I put that exactly I really don't remember... I'm probably gonna re-write that part.

OK, thanks for the criticism everyone! Any additional criticism is still welcome!

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Yami no kanata
Hikari no todokanu hate ni
Ima mo hitori
Kodoku na tabi o tsuzuketeiru

After reading your last post, it sounds like you're leaning EMO.

Dragon_Fire summed everything concerning the lyrics up perfectly. I am having a hard time putting it to music, but at best I'm getting a cheesy 80's hairspray rock vibe.

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Join the Army, see the world, meet interesting people - and kill them.

~Pacifist Badge, 1978

Quote (vincent214 @ 12th December 2006 01:54)

It's not Satanism.  It's referencing the Book of Revelations.  I'm Christian too... and I was actually trying to AVOID sounding emo.

ok...jes from MY point of view it sounded a little that way...didnt mean to offend u (if i did)

i do like though...after u clearifyed the Revelation idea...i LOVED that book of the Bible :wub

i love this type of music!

but the last part is...kinda pointless...and messes up the whole song

This post has been edited by Cow_Of_The_Opera on 13th December 2006 23:33

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delete me

Not a Metal fan well not modern metal ill stick to classic AC/DC and the like but the lyrics don't appeal to me but its hard to understand lyrics without the music well it is for me anyway.

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Finished NSG FFX, Playing FFIV again.

I like the lyrics, but I'm not a fan of singing - so I don't like metal really. A little punk is okay, some classic rock, industrial is pretty good too. Metal for me isn't. So my comments will be completely off to what you are in want of.

The lyrics are awesome and after you explained what they meant I could kinda see the resemblance to them and the meaning. Definetely something that's important, unless you're aiming for something to sound good rather than deep (not that you can't achieve both).

I could picture these lyrics going to some slow paced, kinda warm IDM too. I love IDM. No... I have lust for IDM.

All in all, great lyrics (besides the terrible ending which seems completely random).