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Here is another michael jackson one.

What is the difference between a shopping bag and Michael Jackson?

Possible spoilers: highlight to view

One is white, made of plastic and a danger to children. The other you carry your shopping in.

This post has been edited by Hanyou on 23rd September 2005 18:45

I found this weather article rather amusing...

'A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!'

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'Let that be a lesson to all oppressive vegetable sellers.'

No offense guys! Just for laughs.

I Want to Buy That

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

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:)Don't get kicked out of school! Click here to Check your papers for plagiarism

what has 100 teeth and holds back a monster????????
my zipper

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Why is it that rpg's are now a dying breed?

There's one old man and one young man.. The old man has a knife.

OLD MAN: I detest myself! I wanna cut my arms and legs off! Don't touch me, ok?
YOUNG MAN: *gulp* Ok.. Umm..
OLD MAN: *slices his left arm* ARRGGHHHH!!! Time for my other arm! *slices it off by grabbing it with his right toe*
OLD MAN: Oh.. Crap.. My knife fell down..
YOUNG MAN: I'll get it for you *crouches down and grabs the right arm to take the knife*
OLD MAN: Hey! Remember what I told you!? DON'T TOUCH ME!!!
YOUNG MAN: ...

This post has been edited by NeoEx-Death on 1st October 2005 02:31

Quote (NeoEx-Death @ 30th September 2005 21:30)

There's one old man and one young man.. The old man has a knife.

OLD MAN: I detest myself! I wanna cut my arms and legs off! Don't touch me, ok?
YOUNG MAN: *gulp* Ok.. Umm..
OLD MAN: *slices his left arm* ARRGGHHHH!!! Time for my other arm! *slices it off by grabbing it with his right toe*
OLD MAN: Oh.. Crap.. My knife fell down..
YOUNG MAN: I'll get it for you *crouches down and grabs the right arm to take the knife*
OLD MAN: Hey! Remember what I told you!? DON'T TOUCH ME!!!
YOUNG MAN: ...

And this is funny how?

--------------------

Veni, vidi, dormivi.

I don't really know, either. I ASSUME that the joke is that the old man is mad even though the young guy touched his arm that wasn't connected anymore, but that's not really all that funny. Is there some other hidden message that we're not getting?

Here's one a lot of people have heard of, but I'll put it anyway.

roses are #FF0000
violets are #0000FF
all my base
are belong to you

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The island bathes in the sun's bright rays
Distant hills wear a shroud of grey
A lonely breeze whispers in the trees
Sole witness to history

ICO-You were there-

Quote (karasuman @ 1st October 2005 03:01)

Quote (NeoEx-Death @ 30th September 2005 21:30)

There's one old man and one young man.. The old man has a knife.

OLD MAN: I detest myself! I wanna cut my arms and legs off! Don't touch me, ok?
YOUNG MAN: *gulp* Ok.. Umm..
OLD MAN: *slices his left arm* ARRGGHHHH!!! Time for my other arm! *slices it off by grabbing it with his right toe*
OLD MAN: Oh.. Crap.. My knife fell down..
YOUNG MAN: I'll get it for you *crouches down and grabs the right arm to take the knife*
OLD MAN: Hey! Remember what I told you!? DON'T TOUCH ME!!!
YOUNG MAN: ...

And this is funny how?

lol, what on earth? I was laughing trying to work out why this was a joke, lol.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

anyway...

A furious lightsaber duel is underway. Darth Vader is backing Luke Skywalker towards the end of the gantry.

A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke's hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft.

Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but
straight down.

VADER: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.

LUKE: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!

VADER: No... I am your father!

LUKE: No, it's not true! It's impossible.

VADER: Search your feelings... you know it to be true...

LUKE: NO!

VADER: Yes, it is true... and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?

LUKE: Threepio?

VADER: Yes... Threepio... I built him... when I was 7 years old...

LUKE: No...

VADER: Seven years old? And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp...

LUKE: I destroyed your precious Death Star!

VADER: When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!

LUKE: Well, it's not my fault...

VADER: Oh, here we go... "Poor me... my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday... boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith...waahhh wahhh!"

LUKE: Shut up...

VADER: You're a slacker! By the time I was your age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!

LUKE: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon.

VADER: Oh, for the love of the Emperor... 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open... Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer... right here!

LUKE looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.

VADER: I was wrong... You're not my kid... I don't know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine...

LUKE takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.

VADER looks after him.

VADER: Get a haircut!

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'Let that be a lesson to all oppressive vegetable sellers.'

Wow... that was hilarious. You deserve a muffin *gives fatman a muffin*

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The island bathes in the sun's bright rays
Distant hills wear a shroud of grey
A lonely breeze whispers in the trees
Sole witness to history

ICO-You were there-

I want a muffin too!! LOL.

--------------------

:)Don't get kicked out of school! Click here to Check your papers for plagiarism

Hurray! I can add it to my collection!

*Looks at his collection of two muffins.

"Hmm, I shall put them in the oven...

So these two muffins are baking in the oven.
One turns to the other and says " Bloody 'ell its hot in 'ere"
The other one turns round and says " f*** me , a talking egg!!"


It's the egg bit that confuses me.

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'Let that be a lesson to all oppressive vegetable sellers.'

Quote

 
I want a muffin too!! LOL.

every time you say that, god kills a kitten

one cow is talking to another cow. it says: have you heard of mad cow disease?
the other cow says: i don't have to worry about that, i'm an air plane!

yes, i know its dumb. the real joke is that 53 year olds think they can be funny.

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ADAEAFADAEAFAGAEAFAGAAAFAGAAABbAGAAAFAGAEAFADAEA
C#ADAAABbGAAAFAGAEAFADAEAC#AFADAEAC#ADAAABbAGAA
AEAFADAGAEAFADAEAC#AD

I only got one and it's not too good.

There this man who is trying to kill himself so he jumps off a ten story building and does all these flips and stuff and when he lands he doen't die but lands perfectly on his feet and nobody see's him but too Kittens. One says to the other "See? thats how it's done."

--------------------

"You know that feeling you get when you're on a merry go 'round, and you want to jump off to make the spinning stop, but you know it'll suck when you land? I feel like that all the time"- Keno

"I stab my girl until I fall down"
-Yukari
Do you like Horny Bunnies?

Quote (No-Name @ 3rd October 2005 21:50)

I only got one and it's not too good.

There this man who is trying to kill himself so he jumps off a ten story building and does all these flips and stuff and when he lands he doen't die but lands perfectly on his feet and nobody see's him but too Kittens. One says to the other "See? thats how it's done."

I prefer the other joke that nobody understood.

Probably because it was really weird.
*shrugs.

This post has been edited by fatman on 4th October 2005 19:27

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'Let that be a lesson to all oppressive vegetable sellers.'

Yeah, I so did not spend two hours off and on (shoddily) putting this together. But, for what it's worth....

There are some things that money can't buy. For everything else, there's my MoogleCard:

Okay:

A 12 year old boy was sitting at his computer. He comes across a quality discussion forum and decides to join. His mom comes onto the room and says "JIMMY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" And the kid says....

Possible spoilers: highlight to view

OMGWTF!

Moral of the story-don't mistake spamming in a forum with your own life.

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eh?

I was unable to find the joke thread after much searching. Apologies! But I thought this was rather amusing and wanted to share it with this forum. Enjoy.

Scenario:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a
valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

>
>
>
>
Answer:


Get off the children's Merry-Go-Round, you're drunk

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'Let that be a lesson to all oppressive vegetable sellers.'

Q- What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe?





A- A canoe will, eventually, tip.




No offense to anyone of the Jewish persuasion. Feel free to make me the butt of any jokes you deem worthy.



--------------------

Join the Army, see the world, meet interesting people - and kill them.

~Pacifist Badge, 1978

One day, a woman went into a pet shop looking for a new pet. Her eyes eventually came to a parrot in the corner on sale, and she asked the owner the price. He told her how much, though warned her that this parror once belonged to the manager of a brothel. She thought about this for a moment, but decided she wanted it anyway. So, she bought the parrot.

She brought it home and showed it to her daughter. The two waited for the parrot to say something. The first thing to come out of mouth, as it looked at the woman was "Howdy. New mistress." The two of them laughed. Then, the parrot looked over at her daughter and said "Howdy there. Two new mistresses" They laughed again.

Five minutes later, the woman's husband returned home from work. The parrot looked over to him and said "Hi, Keith."

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You are not your username. You are not your avatar. You are not the number of posts you have. You're not your signature. You are the all-typing, all-chatting crap of the Web. --Friend of a Friend

Quote (Lothar Goldfist @ 14th July 2006 20:38)

One day, a woman went into a pet shop looking for a new pet. Her eyes eventually came to a parrot in the corner on sale, and she asked the owner the price. He told her how much, though warned her that this parror once belonged to the manager of a brothel. She thought about this for a moment, but decided she wanted it anyway. So, she bought the parrot.

She brought it home and showed it to her daughter. The two waited for the parrot to say something. The first thing to come out of mouth, as it looked at the woman was "Howdy. New mistress." The two of them laughed. Then, the parrot looked over at her daughter and said "Howdy there. Two new mistresses" They laughed again.

Five minutes later, the woman's husband returned home from work. The parrot looked over to him and said "Hi, Keith."

That's a brilliant one. I really like this topic. But now to contibute to it...

There's two eggs frying in a saucepan.
Egg 1) Hot here ain't it
Egg 2) Yeah it is
Egg 1)Might roll over now
Egg 2) Same here
Enters sausage
Sausage) It is hot aint it boys I might roll over too
The Eggs look at each other
Egg 2) F**k me a talking sausage

Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and Santa??

Possible spoilers: highlight to view

its only at christmas when santa leaves a kids bedroom with his sack empty

This post has been edited by Zell_Dincht on 15th July 2006 15:11

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"There is no good, there is no bad. Just perspective and opinion." -Squall

Quote (Hamedo @ 14th July 2006 16:06)

Q- What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe?





A- A canoe will, eventually, tip.




No offense to anyone of the Jewish persuasion. Feel free to make me the butt of any jokes you deem worthy.

I think I'll take that job. And being that I don't know your religion, I'll have to improvise.

Hamedo has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

When Hamedo's IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

It's impossible to believe that the sperm that created Hamedo beat out 1,000,000 others.

I'm done .

--------------------

Squenix games completed:

FFIII
FFIV
FFVI
FFVII
FFIX
FFX
FF Tactics: Advance 2
Chrono Trigger
Dragon Quest 8
Dragon Quest 11
Super Mario RPG

A joke involiving the irish war.
There was an irish man, a scottish man and an english man in a hot air balloon.
They pass over scotland and the scottish man threw down a thistle.
They pass over england and the english man threw down a rose.
They passed over ireland and since there was a war going on, the irish man threw down a bomb.
When they landed both the scotish man and the english man were sad to discover that thheir flowers fell down and killed a close family member, but the irish man was surprised to find that his father was laughing his head off and when he asked why, his father said:

Possible spoilers: highlight to view

"I farted and I blew up the neighbors house."

--------------------

A guy goes into a bar and gets into an argument about whether or not he should show his I.d. He leaves saying:

Quote

Real Life The Webcomic:
Right, fine. Cause in three months when I turn 21, I'll be mature enough to drink a SODA in here

Acorrding to the comic, this actually happened.

Heres a football joke (soccer)

Possible spoilers: highlight to view

the USA national team

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In the end, it boils down to two simple choices. Either you do or you don't.

Quote (cloud17 @ 16th July 2006 16:05)

Heres a football joke (soccer)

Possible spoilers: highlight to view

the USA national team

Boy, did you just make the wrong kind of enemy.

Also, saying "no offense" doesn't automatically make a joke not offensive. Some folks might do well to remember that.

This post has been edited by Rangers51 on 16th July 2006 20:31

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"To create something great, you need the means to make a lot of really bad crap." - Kevin Kelly

Why aren't you shopping AmaCoN?

some jokes;

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word "toilet" during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner."
_______________________
Actual Excuse notes from Parents:

Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28,29,30, 31,32, and also 33.
*
Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
*
Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.
*
Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
*
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
*
Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
*
Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
*
My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.
*
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.
*
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.
*
Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.
*
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
*
Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.
*
Please excuse Blanche from jim today.
*
George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
*
Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
*
Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
*
Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
*
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah, diahoah, dyah, the shits.

This post has been edited by Cloud_Strife510 on 17th July 2006 01:26

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"Have you ever seen a baby do that before?"

Oh! Oh!

In the same vein as Cloud_Strife's 'Actual Parent Notes', I bring you 'Things people have actually said in court'. These are golden:

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
_____________________________________

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: R>Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.

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You are not your username. You are not your avatar. You are not the number of posts you have. You're not your signature. You are the all-typing, all-chatting crap of the Web. --Friend of a Friend

There's this pirate ship famous all across the Caribbean, especially for its Captain, who's supposed to be undefeated in battle.

So one day, on that very ship, the man in the crow's nest yells "Cap'n, there's a British Merchantman ship ahead of us!"
Cpt.:"Right, let's engage it, get me my cutlass and my red shirt!"
And they board the merchant's ship. The captain slays half the enemy crew himself and carries the loot personally to his ship in enormous hoards.

The next day.
Crow's nest: "Two british merchant ships, cap'n!"
Cpt: "Get me my cutlass and my red shirt! We're boarding them!"
And again, the captain does most of the damage himself, killing most enemies, carrying back most of the loot and even personally boring a hole in the bottom of one enemy ship to sink it.

That evening, the pirates celebrate - only two days and such splendid gains!
One of the pirates comes to ask the captain:
"Cap'n why d'you always hafta wear that red shirt when we attack."
"Well my friend, it's quite simple, when I'm wearing my red shirt, the enemies don't know whether I'm wounded and bleeding or not. They think I'm immortal and invicible. It's psychology!"
"Brilliant cap'n!"

The next morning, everybody on the ship a tad hung over.
Crows Nest: "Cap'n! a patrol of the Costa Garda is headed right for us!"
Captain: "No worries, we can make it! Get me my red shirt and my brown trousers!"

--------------------

"I fell off the mountain of words at around the 10,000ft mark. Tell my family...they owe me money." -Narratorway

"If you retort against this, so help me God I'll shove any part of your anatomy I can find into some other part. Figuratively, of course." - Josh

"We have more, can deliver tuesday." - Del S

Good old CoN

At the end of a long crime fighting day, Superman decides he needs to relax for a few hours, so he rings spiderman to see if he'd like to go out for a drink.

Spiderman replies "No, I have to repair my web spinner."

So, Superman rings a few more of his super hero friends and they're all busy. He decides in the end to go for a quick super-fly around the world to clear his mind before bed time.

As he passes over Wonder-Woman's mansion he sees her lying naked and spread eagle next to her pool.

Hmmm he thinks, with my super powers I'll fly down for a quickie and before she realizes I'll be gone.

So he swoops down and "WHAM BAM thank you maam" and he's gone.

Wonder- Woman shreiks "What was that?"

And the invisible man cries "I don't know, but I've sure got a sore ass!!!"
_______________

Here's one of my grandpa's jokes

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"
_____________

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."

--------------------

"Have you ever seen a baby do that before?"

Grandpa: What's the name of the Nazi that keeps taking things from me?

Grandson: Alzheimer.

--------------------

And don't drive your car off a cliff like I did. Girl, no man is worth 10 points on your license.