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Final Fantasy V: Best Friends

This takes place before the main events of FFV, concentrating on Bartz, Drogan, and Boco..

PROLOGUE: Bartz was the son of Drogan and Stella. Drogan was one of the Dawn Warriors who sealed X-Death within the world of Bartz.. Stella later on died from illness and Bartz was alone with his dad and sad. His father, Drogan, decided to go on an adventure with him three weeks after her death.

CHAPTER 1: The Preparation
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One night, Drogan got out his traveler bag and stuffed in what they would need for their adventure: weapons, armor, food, water, tents, medicine, and personal items from Stella. Bartz woke up accidentially and saw his father packing. He never was told that his mother, Stella, died. Instead, he told Bartz that his mother went far away for a while. Bartz was worried and annoyed his father. "Daddy! What happened to mom? Where is she?!"

Bartz began screamed while asking his father. "Bartz, son, calm down! You're going to wake up the neighbors!" Drogan whispered to Bartz while he was tying the bag. Bartz stopped screaming and he then walked next to his father and asked "Hey, what are you carrying?" Drogan looked at Bartz and responded "We're going on an adventure!!" Bartz thought his dad was blind and responded to him "But, aren't the mountains surrounding this place? And it would take us hours to get on top a mountain!" Drogan walked closer to Bartz and put his right hand on Bartz's right shoulder.

Drogan then replied "There is a faster way.." Eversince then, Bartz has been thinking for a while about that. Drogan then threw some Gysahl Greens on the grass and a chocobo raced there, eating it. "Wark!" it cried, while masticating the last piece. Bartz looked confused and asked his father "Daddy, what's that?" Drogan looked at Bartz for awhile and introduced the chocobo "His name is Boco, he's an injured chocobo I encountered on the way to Jinx after I decided to stay in this world." Bartz then walked near Boco and decided to pet it, but Boco ran away from Bartz and he decided to go after it. "Wait up! Let me pet you!" Bartz yelled out with his arms forward, trying to grab the chocobo. Drogan chuckled multiple laughs at the two and then commanded Boco to stop running and go to Bartz.

He held a bag of Gysahl Greens and pretended to eat one. Boco was scared of losing all of them to Drogan so it paced slowly to Bartz. "His fur is soft.." Bartz spoke to his father while petting it. "Yes. Alright! Get on Boco!" Drogan ordered his son. Bartz jumped on Boco and Drogan got on the back, holding Boco's leash. "Where are we gonna go, dad?" Bartz politely asked Drogan. "..To Kerwin city. We'll setup lodging there.." Dorgan spoke while Boco spread its wings and began sprinting over the mountains.

This post has been edited by NeoEx-Death on 8th November 2005 03:19

I can find things right here, and I can find things wrong here.
First, ye olde speellung et grammer are okayish. Only errors there I have seen thus far is:
An elipsis(..., AKA dot-dot-dot) should consist of three dots, not two as you have on some occasions. Either that or you're using too many full stops...

Quote

“I’m sorry, Bartz. But you’re not alone.” Cheered his friend..

Should read, IIRC:

Quote

“I’m sorry, Bartz. But you’re not alone,” cheered his friend.

Note that the full stop within the quotation marks has been replaced by a comma. That's an error I was always making until Elena99 pointed it out. I'm no expert in grammar/spelling errors unless making them lets one qualify though.

Concept's pretty much impossible to find any fault with from my POV, becuase the character development of FF5 has come under fire from some of it's critics for not developing backstory as extensivley as some other games in the series, plus, few people seem to try and cover pre-game backstory in my experience. There's not that many FF5 fics on CoN either, so that's another bonus point.

Chapter length is a little worrisome. Those are more like paragraphs.

The format is also a bit hard on the eyes to an extent. It shouldn't be

Quote

At Jinx, there were a bunch of people who respected Drogan, Stella, and Bartz at the cemetery. Bartz was carrying two roses: one for his mother, and one for his father. He put the roses on their respected graves and offered a silent prayer. He prayed “Please rest in peace, father and mother…” in his mind. He was starting to show tears in his eyes, he walked and hugged a friend of his who plays hide and seek with him... “I’m sorry, Bartz. But you’re not alone,” Cheered his friend... Bartz stayed in his friend’s house for ten years and decided to go out adventure by himself.

It should preferrably be

Quote

At Jinx, there were a bunch of people who respected Drogan, Stella, and Bartz at the cemetery. Bartz was carrying two roses: one for his mother, and one for his father. He put the roses on their respected graves and offered a silent prayer.
He prayed “Please rest in peace, father and mother…” in his mind. He was starting to show tears in his eyes, he walked and hugged a friend of his who plays hide and seek with him...
“I’m sorry, Bartz. But you’re not alone,” Cheered his friend... Bartz stayed in his friend’s house for ten years and decided to go out adventure by himself.

So, if you can get those little points sorted, then, I hope this is continued, becuase like I said, no one really tries to tackle FF5's pre-game that much.

This post has been edited by Del S on 7th November 2005 22:42

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"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

I see. I edited the 1st post of this topic and now, it sounds alot better than expected. Still, I think I screwed up on the paragraphs.. *sings* Oooooooh Del S?

Better. Still a bit short and also a tad clustered. You should try and have it so each time there is speech, it is on a seperate line:

Quote

Bartz began screamed while asking his father.

"Bartz, son, calm down! You're going to wake up the neighbors!" Drogan whispered to Bartz while he was tying the bag.

Bartz stopped screaming and he then walked next to his father and asked: "Hey, what are you carrying?"

Drogan looked at Bartz and responded
"We're going on an adventure!"

Bartz thought his dad was blind and responded to him

"But, aren't the mountains surrounding this place? And it would take us hours to get on top a mountain!"

Drogan walked closer to Bartz and put his right hand on Bartz's right shoulder.

Also, one other thing I'm seeing is, it feels kind of simplstic. For example, from the original bit I quoted there, I can see some areas to improve it and make it a little more interesting. Additions/alterations in bold and omissions just crossed out.

Quote

Bartz began virtuallyl screaming the question repeatedly to his father.

"Bartz, son, calm down, you're going to wake up the neighbors." Drogan gently whispered to Bartz while he was tying the bag.

Bartz soon stopped screaming and he then walked next to his father, puzzeled at what he was doing,  and asked: "Hey, what are you carrying?"

Drogan looked at Bartz and responded
"We're going on an adventure, son."

Bartz thought his dad was blind or nuts  and responded to him with a question

"But, an adventure, doesn't that mean traveling really far? Aren't the mountains surrounding this place? And it would take us hours to get on top a mountain!" the boy asked, pleased he had seen the flaw in his fathers plan

Drogan walked over to his son* and put his right hand on Bartz's right shoulder gently.

*If I had wrote that, I'd have possibly put 'His last real reminder of his wife'

But it's improving. Get it a little longer and with a little more punch and you are defiently onto a winner.

This post has been edited by Del S on 8th November 2005 21:01

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"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.