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Let me introduce myself. I am the president and founder of the Anti Mr. Joshua E. Alvies Association. In the text that follows, I will explain why stopping Mr. Joshua E. Alvies is fundamental to the survival of our society. In the text that follows, when I quote from Joshua, I will use the word "excrement" in place of another word which is now apparently permitted in general circulation publications and which I have edited out.

It is easy to see faults in others. But it takes perseverance to detail the specific steps and objectives needed to thwart Joshua's iconoclastic little schemes. I want nothing more -- or less -- than to free people from the fetters of lexiphanicism's poisonous embrace. To that task I have consecrated my life, and I invite you to do likewise. I don't believe that power corrupts Joshua but that Joshua corrupts power. Speaking of corruption and power, a central point of Joshua's belief systems is the notion that free speech is wonderful as long as you're not bashing Joshua and the contentious, sullen quacks in his heathenism movement. Perhaps he should take some new data into account and revisit that notion. I think he'd find that there's a time to keep silent and a time to speak. There's a time to love and a time to hate. There's a time for war and a time for peace. And, I assert, there's a time to focus on concrete facts, on hard news, on analyzing and interpreting what's happening in the world. Or, to put it less poetically, Joshua's argument that anyone who resists him deserves to be crushed is hopelessly flawed and completely circuitous.

Unbridled and foolhardy, Joshua's jeremiads resemble a dilapidated shed. Kick in the door and the whole rotten structure will collapse, proving my claim that if you were to try to tell Joshua's subordinates that he uses deception to trick people into voting against things that they, in fact, support, they'd close their eyes and put their hands over their ears. They are, as the psychologists say, in denial. They don't want to hear that if you've never seen Joshua defuse or undermine incisive critiques of his incompetent behavior by turning them into procedural arguments about mechanisms of institutional restraint, you're either incredibly unobservant or are concealing the truth from yourself. Joshua is always trying to change the way we work. This annoys me, because his previous changes have always been for the worse. I'm positive that Joshua's new changes will be even more self-satisfied, because his crotchety dream is starting to come true. Liberties are being killed by attrition. Ageism is being installed by accretion. The only way that we can reverse these spineless, petulant trends is to criticize Joshua's complicity in the widespread establishment of sesquipedalianism. To be precise, I strive to be consistent in my arguments. I can't say that I'm 100% true to this but Joshua's frequent vacillating leads me to believe that he has planted his lieutenants everywhere. You can find them in businesses, unions, activist organizations, tax-exempt foundations, professional societies, movies, schools, churches, and so on. Not only does this subversive approach enhance Joshua's ability to deny citizens the ability to become informed about the destruction that he is capable of but it also provides irrefutable evidence that I frequently wish to tell him that his writings exhibit a disregard, not merely for style, but for the truth. But being a generally genteel person, however, I always bite my tongue. The bottom line is that I have put this letter before you, without any gain to myself, because I care.

Complaint Generator

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Veni, vidi, dormivi.

Although Miss Karasuman Q McLoudy wants nothing less than to stultify art and retard the enjoyment and adoration of the beautiful, I want this letter to speak a language of reconciliation, not retaliation. Before I get moving here, let me point out that it's unfortunate that she has no real education. It's impossible to debate important topics with someone who is so mentally handicapped. Her desire to empty the meaning of such concepts as "self," "justice," "freedom," and other profundities is the chief sign that she's a wild moocher. (The second sign is that Karasuman feels obliged to appropriate sacred symbols for venom-spouting purposes.) By writing this letter, I am unequivocally sticking my head far above the parapet. The big danger is that Karasuman will retaliate against me. She'll most likely try to force me to turn pale and run for cover, although another possibility is that when I hear her say that trees cause more pollution than automobiles do, I have to wonder about her. Is she absolutely slaphappy? Is she simply being blockish? Or is she merely embracing a delusion in which she must believe in order to continue believing in herself? Unfortunately, I can't give a complete answer to that question in this limited space. But I can tell you that Karasuman wants us to feel sorry for the snooty paper-pushers who till the lackadaisical side of the onanism garden. I aver we should instead feel sorry for their victims, all of whom know full well that we should agree on definitions before saying anything further about Karasuman's imperious policies. For starters, let's say that "propagandism" is "that which makes Karasuman yearn to supplant national heroes with the most sordid menaces I've ever seen."

I sometimes ask myself whether the struggle to express my views is worth all of the potential consequences. And I consistently answer by saying that I am not complaining about that. Let's remember that. I myself am indisputably not up on the latest gossip. Still, I have heard people say that Karasuman parrots whatever ideas are fashionable at the moment. When the fashions change, her ideas will change instantly, like a weathercock. It is painful to write such truisms, but she can't possibly believe that the most valuable skill one can have is to be able to lie convincingly. She's illaudable, but she's not that illaudable. Karasuman once tried convincing me that the laws of nature don't apply to her. Does she think I was born yesterday? I mean, it seems pretty obvious that on several occasions I have heard Karasuman state that our unalienable rights are merely privileges that she can dole out or retract. I am not able to rightly apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a comment. What I consider far more important, though, is that this is a lesson for those with eyes to see. It is a lesson not so much about Karasuman's brusque behavior, but about the way that Karasuman has spent untold hours trying to manipulate public understanding of mercantalism. During that time, did it ever once occur to her that her ability to capitalize on the economic chaos, racial tensions, and social discontent of the current historical moment can be explained, in large part, by the following? We already have our answer; as a respected journalist put it, "Karasuman has announced a number of acrimonious ideas on how to run -- or is that ruin? -- everyone's life". He probably could have added that if you look soberly and carefully at the evidence all around you, you will really find that the really interesting thing about all this is not that you cannot suppose that Karasuman would have the slightest compunction about ordering her sympathizers to cause an increase in disease, hooliganism, crime, and vice. The interesting thing is that if I said that she should be a given a direct pipeline to the National Treasury, I'd be a liar. But I'd be being completely honest if I said that if I had to choose between chopping onions and helping Karasuman oppress, segregate, and punish others, I'd be in the kitchen in an instant. Although both alternatives make me cry, the deciding factor for me is that I don't think it is a mere coincidence that the central preconception in Karasuman's paranoid style is the belief in the existence of a vast, unscrupulous, preternaturally effective international conspiratorial network designed to promote mediocrity over merit. (Actually, the law of parsimony suggests that Karasuman would sell her soul in return for the possibility of wealth and status but that's not important now.) Karasuman is doing some serious mau-mauing. So don't feed me any phony baloney about how her opuscula are Right with a capital R. That's just not true.

Karasuman used to complain about being persecuted. Now she is our primary persecutor. This reversal of roles reminds me that one could truthfully say that Karasuman and her bootlickers are puppets of imprudent dirtbags. But saying that would miss the real point, which is that I admit I have a tendency to become a bit insensitive whenever I rebuke her for trying to produce a large number of totally savage extravagancies, most birdbrained indecencies, and, above all, the most ghastly blasphemies against everything that I hold most sacred and most dear. While I am desirous of mending this tiny personality flaw, it does not take much perspicacity to see that it is almost impossible for Karasuman to be truthful on a consistent basis. I don't think anyone questions that. But did you know that I trust her about as far as I can throw her? I'm merely suggesting that Karasuman's coprophagous words leave the current power structure untouched while simultaneously killing countless children through starvation and disease. Are these children her enemies? No, don't guess; this isn't audience participation day. I'll just tell you. But before I do, you should note that even her most self-absorbed cringers are trained in the use of force, deadly force, advanced weaponry, and offensive and defensive tactics. That's just a fancy way of saying that this is not the place to develop that subject. It demands many pages of analysis, which I can't spare in this letter. Instead, I'll just state the key point, which is that Karasuman claims that narrow-minded misanthropes are more deserving of honor than our nation's war heroes. I feel that the absurdities within that claim speak for themselves, although I should add that if one dares to criticize even a single tenet of Karasuman's subliminal psywar campaigns, one is promptly condemned as unholy, avaricious, gruesome, or whatever epithet Karasuman deems most appropriate, usually without much explanation. Time cannot change Karasuman's behavior. Time merely enlarges the field in which Karasuman can, with ever-increasing intensity and thoroughness, enable mentally deficient dorks to punch above their weight. Let me close by reminding you that crime unpunished is crime rewarded.

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Hey, put the cellphone down for a while
In the night there is something wild
Can you hear it breathing?
And hey, put the laptop down for a while
In the night there is something wild
I feel it, it's leaving me

I don't know how to tell you this, but some of Princess Neal P Gettling II's delusional insinuations are so self-contradictory, they're their own refutation. The following paragraphs are intended as an initial, open-ended sketch of how bad the current situation is. Now, perhaps you think I'm imagining things. Perhaps you think that Neal really isn't going to push the State towards greater influence, self-preservation, and totalitarianism and away from civic engagement, constituent choice, and independent thought. Well, I wish it were just my imagination. But you know, he is trying to brainwash us. He wants us to believe that it's recalcitrant to take up the mantle and oppose him and all he stands for; that's boring; that's not cool. You know what I think of that, don't you? I think that if Neal opened his eyes, he'd realize that he should take all the bull-pucky he's been throwing at us and fertilize his garden with it. Since most people oppose his snotty nostrums, Neal has had to usher in the rule of the Antichrist and the apocalyptic end times using every disorderly means imaginable.

The vast majority of people would probably be willing to help me make Neal's laughable metanarratives understood, resisted, and made the object of deserved contempt by young and old alike. These people simply need information, encouragement, direction, and leadership. Neal has a hidden agenda. With this central point cleared up, the rest of his arguments are rendered moot, as Neal makes it his job to promote violence in all its forms -- physical, sexual, psychological, economical, and social. Let me recap that for you, because it really is extraordinarily important: I recognize the need to think and act strategically as well as tactically. I know you're wondering why I just wrote that. I'll explain shortly, but first, I should state that I must ask that Neal's supporters provide information and inspiration to as many people as possible. I know they'll never do that, so here's an alternate proposal: They should, at the very least, back off and quit trying to cause an increase in disease, interdenominationalism, crime, and vice. That's all for this letter. For those that don't like my views, get over it. I insist that I have as much a right to my views, and to express them, as anyone else. So when I say that it would be good for the press to start paying attention to things like this, you can agree with me or not. That's all there is to it.

This post has been edited by TheEvilEye on 25th October 2005 17:18

Before I can focus on the ignorance that abounds in Prof. Evil K. Eye's press releases, I must qualify Prof. Eye's character, his sources, and even his personal frame of mind towards me. To begin at the beginning, Prof. Eye is stepping over the line when he attempts to damn this nation and this world to Hell -- way over the line. We are at a crossroads. One road leads into the light of a bright, shining future in which insufferable dolts like Prof. Eye are absolutely absent. The other road leads into the darkness of demagogism. The question, therefore, is: Who's driving the bus? The answer is almost entirely obvious -- this isn't rocket science, you know. The key is that Prof. Eye's intimations are designed to divert attention from Prof. Eye's unprovoked aggression. And they're working; they're having the desired effect. It may be unfashionable to say so and it may surprise a few of you out there, but everyone ought to read my award-winning essay, "The Naked Aggression of Evil K. Eye". In it, I chronicle all of Prof. Eye's "compromises", from the unambitious to the quixotic, and conclude that I have a plan to enable adversaries to meet each other and establish direct personal bonds which contradict the stereotypes they rely upon to power their wishy-washy statements. I call this plan "Operation challenge Prof. Eye's blockish assumptions about merit". (Granted, I need a shorter, catchier name, but that one will do for now.) My plan's underlying motif is that prudence is no vice. Cowardice -- especially Prof. Eye's indecent form of it -- is.

This theme is stated in one form or another in every one of Man's great religions. I know because I have experienced that personally. In particular, I'm sticking out my neck a bit in talking about Prof. Eye's words. It's quite likely he will try to retaliate against me for my telling you that he wants to advocate brazen ebullitions. What's wrong with that? What's wrong is Prof. Eye's gossamer grasp of reality. Considering that Prof. Eye doesn't believe in the right to free speech, except for people who agree with him, I find it almost laughable how he remains oblivious to the fact that not only does he thrust all of us into scenarios rife with personal animosities and petty resentments, but he then commands his functionaries, "Go, and do thou likewise." I'm sure he wouldn't want me to eavesdrop on his secret conversations. So why does Prof. Eye want to make my stomach turn? This is an important question because it requires surprisingly little imagination to envision a future in which he is free to intensify or perpetuate sectarianism. Excuse me; that's not entirely correct. What I meant to say is that if Prof. Eye gets his way, none of us will be able to evaluate the tactics he has used against me. Therefore, we must not let Prof. Eye manufacture and compile daunting lists of imaginary transgressions committed against him. In the end, Prof. Evil K. Eye's announcements prove that he did little to no research before concluding that there is something intellectually provocative in the tired rehashing of fatuitous stereotypes.

Dr. Mimic Z. Insertlastnamehere, Esq.'s initiatives require a two-part response: first, a clarification of the prognosis implied by my previous letter; and second, a commentary on Mimic's own prognoses. Let's review the errors in Mimic's statements in order. First, some time ago, in the aftermath of Mimic's last volley of attacks, a group of self-deceiving schemers began to sweep Mimic's peccadillos under the rug. Considering that there is no compelling moral or economic reason why Mimic should convict me without trial, jury, or reading one complete paragraph of this letter, I find it almost laughable how Mimic remains oblivious to the fact that griping about Mimic will not make him stop trying to incite young people to copulate early, often, and indiscriminately. But even if it did, he would just find some other way to crush people to the earth and then claim the right to trample on them forever because they are prostrate. His outbursts are like a Hydra. They continually acquire new heads and new strength. The only way to stunt their growth is to demand a thoughtful analysis and resolution of our problems with Mimic. The only way to destroy Mimic's Hydra entirely is to provide more people with the knowledge that the spectrum of views between commercialism and statism is not a line but a circle at which judgmental hell-raisers and temperamental scofflaws meet. To properly place Mimic somewhere in that spectrum, one needs to realize that Mimic's apple-polishers are too lazy to make an impartial and well-informed evaluation of the advantages and disadvantages of Mimic's prophecies. They just want to sit back, fasten their mouths on the public teats, and casually forget that either Mimic has no real conception of the sweep of history, or he is merely intent on winning some debating pin by trying to pierce a hole in my logic with "facts" that are taken out of context.

Although I respect Mimic's right to free speech just as I respect it for satanic, stingy flag burners, virulent cheapskates, and spleeny, unenlightened party animals, if he would abandon his name-calling and false dichotomies it would be much easier for me to reinforce what is best in people. More prosaically, Mimic never stops boasting about his generous contributions to charitable causes. As far as I can tell, however, his claimed magnanimousness is entirely chimerical and, furthermore, if you think that human life is expendable, then you're suffering from very serious nearsightedness. You're focusing too much on what Mimic wants you to see and failing to observe many other things of much greater importance, such as that I accept the call to weaken the critical links in his nexus of unruly revisionism. Think about it, and I'm sure you'll agree with me. Who could have guessed that Mimic would impose a one-size-fits-all model on how society should function? To put it another way, does he believe, deep in the adytum of his own mind, that he is cunctipotent? Well, we all know the answer to that question, don't we? But in case you don't, then you should note that mass anxiety is the equivalent of steroids for him. If we feel helpless, Mimic is energized and ramps up his efforts to blow the whole situation way out of proportion. Okay, I've written enough for one letter, so let me just finish by saying that Dr. Mimic Z. Insertlastnamehere, Esq. makes it a point to sentence more and more people to poverty, prison, and early death.

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"When I turn the page
The corner bends into the perfect dog ear
As if the words knew I'd need them again
But at the time, I didn't see it."

~"This Ain't a Surfin' Movie" - Minus the Bear

Rev. Joshua E Alvies's values have been getting a lot of undeserved attention recently. I would like to start by discussing Joshua's histrionics, mainly because they scare me. The thing I'm the most frightened about is that Joshua would not hesitate to retard the free and natural economic development of various countries' indigenous population if he felt he could benefit from doing so. He needs some serious professional help. And while we're on the subject, he has been doing "in-depth research" (whatever he thinks that means) to prove that we can stop defeatism merely by permitting government officials entrée into private homes to search for simple-minded, duplicitous grifters. I should mention that I've been doing some research of my own. So far, I've "discovered" that today, we might have let Joshua break up society's solidarity and cohesiveness. Tomorrow, we won't. Instead, we will draw an accurate portrait of Joshua's ideological alignment. The point is that if everyone spent just five minutes a day thinking about ways to help young people develop the ability to make informed and reasoned decisions for the public good as citizens of a culturally diverse, democratic society in an interdependent world, we'd all be a lot better off. Is five minutes a day too much to ask for the promise of a better tomorrow? I hope not, but then again, Joshua's lies come in many forms. Some of his lies are in the form of artifices. Others are in the form of statements. Still more are in the form of folksy posturing and pretended concern and compassion.

Despite some perceptions to the contrary, it's easy for Joshua to declaim my proposals. But when is he going to provide an alternative proposal of his own? Please do not stop reading here, presuming that the answer is apparent and that no further knowledge is needed. Such is decidedly not the case. In fact, I'd bet no one ever told you that the central paradox of Joshua's bait-and-switch tactics, the twist that makes Joshua's orations so irresistible to delirious, disgusting crybabies, is that these people truly believe that might makes right. He complains a lot. What's ironic, though, is that he hasn't made even a single concrete suggestion for improvement or identified a single problem with the system as it exists today. Ancient Greek dramatists discerned a peculiar virtue in being tragic. Joshua would do well to realize that they never discerned any virtue in being unrestrained. While his overgeneralizations may seem illaudable, they're in agreement with his fatuitous circulars. Would we, as thinking people, believe boneheads who tried to tell us we're all obstreperous? I say "no."

A number of serious questions need to be asked -- and answered -- before we give Joshua carte blanche to teach aberrent concepts to children. To pretend otherwise is nothing but hypocrisy and unwillingness to face the more unpleasant realities of life. We can divide his outbursts into three categories: dangerous, apolaustic, and shiftless. Some people are responsible and others are not. Joshua falls into the category of "not". Does anybody else feel the way I do, or am I alone in my disgust with Rev. Joshua E Alvies?

Edit

I don't think I understood the assignment, guys.

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"To create something great, you need the means to make a lot of really bad crap." - Kevin Kelly

Why aren't you shopping AmaCoN?

If you are stimulated by new ideas and if you can think for yourself rather than simply accept what Princess Sabin H. Christ III dishes out, I think you will find this letter of interest. Without going into all the gory details, let's just say that not everyone agrees with Sabin. The best example of this, culled from many, would have to be the time Sabin tried to produce culturally degenerate films and tapes. He wants us to feel sorry for the uncompromising shirkers who fuel inquisitions. I claim we should instead feel sorry for their victims, all of whom know full well that one of Sabin's favorite tricks is to create a problem and then to offer the solution. Naturally, it's always his solutions that grant him the freedom to demonstrate an outright hostility to law enforcement, never the original problem. According to Sabin, the majority of revolting nymphomaniacs are heroes, if not saints. He might as well be reading tea leaves or tossing chicken bones on the floor for divination about what's true and what isn't. Maybe then Sabin would realize that he argues that at birth, every living being is assigned a celestial serial number or frequency power spectrum. To maintain this thesis, Sabin naturally has had to shovel away a mountain of evidence, which he does by the desperate expedient of claiming that we're supposed to shut up and smile when he says Pecksniffian things.

I, for one, will not say what is right and what is wrong when it comes to Sabin's doctrines. But I will say one thing: If Sabin can give us all a succinct and infallible argument proving that his tractates are Right with a capital R, I will personally deliver his Nobel Prize for Grotty Rhetoric. In the meantime, several things Sabin has said have brought me to the boiling point. The statement of his that made the strongest impression on me, however, was something to the effect of how we can change the truth if we don't like it the way it is. I am not in any way placing the blame on him for wild, phlegmatic dweebs who mete out harsh and arbitrary punishment against his adversaries until they're intimidated into a benumbed, neutralized, impotent, and non-functioning mass. That notwithstanding, he is still culpable for plotting to rewrite history to reflect or magnify an imaginary "victimhood". We've tolerated Sabin's virulent wheelings and dealings long enough. It's time to lose our patience and chill our kindness. It's time to kick butt and take names. It's time to shout to the world that he has found a way to avoid compliance with government regulations, circumvent any further litigation, and interfere with a person's work performance, bodily security, physical movement, and privacy rights -- all by trumping up a phony emergency.

By the bye, Sabin's apologists are quick to point out that because Sabin is hated, persecuted, and repeatedly laughed at, he is the real victim here. The truth is that, if anything, Sabin is a victim of his own success -- a success that enables Sabin to prey on people's fear of political and economic instability. Since I don't know him that well, I'll have to be a bit presumptuous when I say that Sabin pompously claims that women are crazed Pavlovian sex-dogs who will salivate at any object even remotely phallic in shape. That sort of nonsense impresses many people, unfortunately. While I, not being one of the many indecent scapegraces of this world, am not attempting to argue openly in favor of any particular position, he's planning to exploit issues such as the global economic crisis and the increase in world terrorism in order to instigate planet-wide chaos. Planet-wide chaos is Sabin's gateway to global tyranny, which will in turn enable him to take a condescending cheap shot at a person that most sick hatemongers will never be in a position to condescend to.

Sabin, you are welcome to get off my back this time and stay off. It is imperative that all of us in this community go placidly amid the noise and haste. This cannot occur unless there is a true spirit of respect and an appreciation of differences.

If our goal is to call for a return to the values that made this country great, then we must consider various means to that end. The main dissensus between me and Sabin is that I maintain that to join Sabin's club, one must deal with membership rules, brainwashing rituals, huge amounts of money, and meeting locations enveloped in secrecy. He, on the other hand, contends that university professors must conform their theses and conclusions to his nasty prejudices if they want to publish papers and advance their careers. His favorite buzzword these days is "crisis". Sabin likes to tell us that we have a crisis on our hands. He then argues that the only reasonable approach to combat this crisis is for him to enable prodigal ochlocrats (especially the hidebound type) to punch above their weight. In my opinion, the real crisis is the dearth of people who understand that Sabin writes a lot of long statements that mean practically nothing. What's sneaky is that he constructs those statements in such a way that it never occurs to his readers to analyze them. Analysis would almost certainly indicate that if Sabin is going to talk about higher standards, then he needs to live by those higher standards. To reiterate the main message of this letter, the notion that unlike Princess Sabin H. Christ III's editorials, my own proposed social programs are not vague and undefined is pervasive...and Sabin's a douche.



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Okay, but there was a goat!

Once again, I find disappointment. Once again, I find no satisfaction. Once again, I find that Mr. Dragon _ Fire has always used vandalism as his moorings. I guess I should start by saying that Mr. Fire has no discernible talents. The only things he has obviously mastered are biological functions. Well, I suppose Mr. Fire's also good at convincing people that clever one-liners are a valid substitute for actual thinking, but my point is that I am reminded of the quote, "He is capable of a large array of negative feelings." This comment is not as pestiferous as it seems because I recently received some mail in which the writer stated, "There is indubitably reason to fear that quislingism-prone hell-raisers will hurt people's feelings when you least expect it." I included that quote not because it is exceptional in any way, but rather, because it is typical of much of the mail I receive. I included it to show you that I'm not the only one who thinks that satanic Comstockism is widespread and growing stronger as it permeates school systems, universities, and the media, so to speak. By and large, Mr. Fire has mastered the dark arts of diversion and deception. Nevertheless, I can state with absolute certainty that Mr. Fire extricates himself from difficulty by intrigue, by chicanery, by dissimulation, by trimming, by an untruth, by an injustice. His paroxysms deserve to be criticized because they squander irreplaceable national treasures.

This post has been edited by laszlow on 25th October 2005 17:48

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this is a blog mostly about comics and videogames
END SPOILER

Not to break the rythym, but I simply couldn't resist posting this one.

I'd like to take this opportunity to convey the absolute disgust I feel whenever I hear the name of Mr. Anarchist Q. Dream. If society were a beer bottle, something, I believe, that Mr. Dream holds in high regard, he would indeed be the nauseating bit at the bottom that only the homeless like to drink. Obnoxious and arrogant, Mr. Dream's words are almost as repugnant as his smell and hairstyle, and it is indeed little wonder why he is completely unable to function not only within the workplace, but within societies both on and offline. Whilst I do not wish this to seem just as me pushing my works, my pamphlet, 'Excommute Anarchist Dream: For Great Justice,' is highly relevant to the point I am trying to put across. With his outrageous theories and habitual killing of small animals, I do not believe I am out of line in saying that America truly would be a better place without him.

I am writing this letter rather reluctantly. I do not wish to begin an incendiary debate about Queen Michael J Laszlow, Ph.D.'s warnings. However, Queen Laszlow has recently made a few statements that I find disturbing to such a degree that I cannot remain silent. Some background is in order: Queen Laszlow's emissaries have learned their scripts well and the rhetoric comes gushing forth with little provocation. It has been revealed that he plans to rewrite history to reflect or magnify an imaginary "victimhood". First reaction yields that there is another side to the issue. A little more thought leads to the more accurate conclusion that Queen Laszlow seeks scapegoats for his own shortcomings by blaming the easiest target he can find, that is, untoward criticasters.

Teenagers who want to shock their parents sometimes maintain -- with a straight face -- that our unalienable rights are merely privileges that Queen Laszlow can dole out or retract. Fortunately, most parents don't fall for this fraud because they know that Nature is a wonderful teacher. For instance, the lesson that Nature teaches us from newly acephalous poultry is that you really don't need a brain to run around like a dang fool making a spectacle of yourself. Nature also teaches us that Queen Laszlow's campaigns command as much respect as the tales in the supermarket tabloids. The mere mention of that fact guarantees that this letter will never get published in any mass-circulation periodical that Queen Laszlow has any control over. But that's inconsequential, because I myself despise everything about Queen Laszlow. I despise Queen Laszlow's attempts to make today's oppressiveness look like grade-school work compared to what he has planned for the future. I despise how he insists that it's inappropriate to teach children right from wrong. Most of all, I despise his complete obliviousness to the fact that it's irrelevant that my allegations are 100% true. He distrusts my information and arguments and will forever maintain his current opinions. The pen is a powerful tool. Why don't we use that tool to protect the interests of the general public against the greed and unreason of diabolic bloodsuckers? I realize that militarism is a tremendous problem in our society, but does it constantly have to be thrown in our faces? To ask that question another way, how far do Queen Laszlow's lies extend? This is not a question that we should run away from. Rather, it is something that needs to be addressed quickly and directly, because whenever anyone states the obvious -- that Queen Laszlow should clean up his act -- discussion naturally progresses towards the question, "Why, in the name of all that is good and holy, does Queen Laszlow want to perpetuate what we all know is a corrupt system?" People often ask me that question. It's a difficult question to answer, however, because the querist generally wants a simple, concise answer. He doesn't want to hear a long, drawn-out explanation about how Queen Laszlow can get away with lies (e.g., that a plausible excuse is a satisfactory substitute for performance) because the average person cannot imagine anyone lying so brazenly. Not one person in a hundred will actually check out the facts for himself and discover that Queen Laszlow is lying. What's the difference between his lapdogs and subversive devil-worshippers? If you answered "nothing", then go to the front of the class; you're absolutely right. My eventual goal for this letter is to bring a fresh perspective and new ideas to the current debate. I'm counting on you for your support.

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If you've been mod-o-fied,
It's an illusion, and you're in-between.
Don't you be tarot-fied,
It's just alot of nothing, so what can it mean?
~Frank Zappa

Sins exist only for people who are on the Way or approaching the Way

I am writing to let you know that I have a concern regarding Councilmember Mog M. Master IV's eccentric squibs. There are a number of reasons Councilmember Master isn't telling us as to why he wants to make empty promises. In this letter, I will expose those reasons one-by-one, on the principle that his histrionics are a logical absurdity, a series of deductions from a premise that has been denied. Speaking of absurdities, I oppose Councilmember Master's fulminations because they are batty. I oppose them because they are inerudite. And I oppose them because they will call for ritualistic invocations of needlessly formal rules in the coming days. It's somewhat tricky to sound the bugle of liberty, especially since the media in this country tend to ignore historical connections and are reluctant to analyze ideological positions or treat a fringe political group seriously. I agree that the common denominator of all of Councilmember Master's outbursts is that they seek to bar people from partaking in activities that cannot be monitored and controlled. But I also think that Councilmember Master is willing to promote truth and justice when it's convenient. But when it threatens his creature comforts, Councilmember Master throws principle to the wind.

Once one begins thinking about free speech, about feeble-minded fiends who use ostracism and public opinion to prevent the airing of views contrary to their own venom-spouting beliefs, one realizes that when Councilmember Master says that virulent warmongers make the best scout leaders and schoolteachers, in his mind, that's supposed to end the argument. It's like he believes he has said something very profound. He may have the right to destroy the heart and fabric of our nation. He may have the right to provide cover for an unbalanced agenda. But Councilmember Master crosses the line when he uses his bully pulpit to ridicule the accomplishments of generations of great men and women. I don't normally want to expose anyone to rigorous sarcasm, satire and disdain, but he deserves it. Let's look at the facts. First, an increasing number of people abhor his vicious stances and are looking for alternatives, like the truth. Second, a leopard can't change its spots. And finally, it's astounding that he has somehow found a way to work the words "phytopaleontological" and "individualistic" into his roorbacks. However, you may find it even more astounding that he thinks that he should be a given a direct pipeline to the National Treasury. However, juxtaposed to this is the idea that all he has managed to attain with his fairy tales is a jab at hardworking individuals. Now that you've heard what I've had to say, I want you to think about it. And I want you to join me and seek some structure in which the cacophony introduced by Councilmember Mog M. Master IV's put-downs might be systematized, reconciled, and made rational.

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Hey, put the cellphone down for a while
In the night there is something wild
Can you hear it breathing?
And hey, put the laptop down for a while
In the night there is something wild
I feel it, it's leaving me

I have a few points of contention with Rabbi Neal Z. DancesWithGoats, Ph.D.. To start, as our society continues to unravel, more and more people will be grasping for straws, grasping for something to hold onto, grasping for something that promises to give them the sense of security and certainty that they so desperately need. These are the types of people Neal preys upon. Nothing offends him more than the truth. Once we realize that, what do we do? The appropriate thing, in my judgment, is to replace today's chaos and lack of vision with order and a supreme sense of purpose. I say that because if anything, by writing this letter, I am unmistakably sticking my head far above the parapet. The big danger is that Neal will retaliate against me. He'll most likely try to force me to burst into tears, although another possibility is that I respect the English language and believe in the use of words as a means of communication. Appalling, depraved trolls like him, however, consider spoken communication as merely a set of noises uttered to excite emotions in demented, quasi-dotty hell-raisers in order to convince them to rifle, pillage, plunder, and loot. Please note that when I finish writing this letter you might not hear from me again for a while. I simply don't have enough strength left to exercise all of our basic rights to the maximum. Nevertheless, I have often maintained that reasonable people can reasonably disagree. Unfortunately, when dealing with Neal and his lapdogs, that claim assumes facts not in evidence. So let me claim instead that if you're interested in the finagling, double-dealing, chicanery, cheating, cajolery, cunning, rascality, and abject villainy by which Neal may take the focus off the real issues by the end of the decade, then you'll want to consider the following very carefully. You'll especially want to consider that Neal will probably throw another hissy fit if we don't let him humiliate, subjugate, and eventually eliminate everyone who wants to avoid the extremes of a pessimistic naturalism and an optimistic humanism by combining the truths of both. At least putting up with another Neal Z. DancesWithGoats hissy fit is easier than convincing Neal's spokesmen that Neal chooses to ignore the fact that I am astonished by how little integrity and good judgment he possesses. I'll probably devote a separate letter to that topic alone, but for now, I'll simply summarize by stating that conformism is not merely an attack on our moral fiber. It is also a politically motivated attack on knowledge.

You'd think that someone would have done something by now to thwart Neal's plans to advocate measures that others criticize for being excessively snarky. Unfortunately, most people are quite happy to "go along to get along" and are rather reluctant to counteract the subtle, but pervasive, social message that says that no one is smart enough to see through his transparent lies. It is imperative that we inform such people that Neal's inclinations reek of insurrectionism. I use the word "reek" because Neal wants us to feel sorry for the self-pitying slimeballs who address what is, in the end, a nonexistent problem. I, speaking as someone who is not a twisted ratbag, maintain we should instead feel sorry for their victims, all of whom know full well that Neal believes that freedom must be abolished in order for people to be more secure and comfortable. Sorry, but I have to call foul on that one. Consider the issue of imperious mysticism. Everyone agrees that there is an implicit assumption here that even if Neal is not conscious of the inner reason for his opuscula, he runs at the first sign of trouble, but there are still some crapulous, spleeny sad sacks out there who doubt that he has an utter disregard for human life. To them I say: He is out of control, like a runaway freight train. In reaching that conclusion, I have made the usual assumption that Neal pompously claims that the kids on the playground are happy to surrender to the school bully. That sort of nonsense impresses many people, unfortunately.

Neal is firmly convinced that there's no difference between normal people like you and me and subversive, exploitative sods. His belief is controverted, however, by the weight of the evidence indicating that someone just showed me a memo supposedly written by Neal. The memo spells out his plans to make excessive use of foul language. If this memo is authentic, it tells us that if we look beyond Neal's delusions of grandeur, we see that he is planning to violate values so important to our sense of community. This does not bode well for the future, because he feeds on our goodwill like worms feed on buried corpses. That's the current situation, and if you have any doubt about the reality of it, then you haven't been paying close enough attention to what's been happening in the world. What Neal does in private is none of my business. But when he tries to up the ante considerably, I object. Whatever your age, you now have only one choice. That choice is between a democratic, peace-loving regime that, you hope, may fight for what is right and, as the alternative, the stinking and prolix dirigisme currently being forced upon us by Neal. Choose carefully, because if Neal's forces had even an ounce of integrity, they would change the minds of those who call evil good and good evil. I close this letter along the same lines it opened on: Rabbi Neal Z. DancesWithGoats, Ph.D. and his cohorts are puppets of the worst kinds of infernal myopic-types I've ever seen.



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Okay, but there was a goat!

Having just been exposed to Dr. Dragon _ Fire, Ph.D.'s effrontive squibs, I ponder how best to express my disgust at Dragon's total lack of sensitivity and reasoning. As this letter will make clear, Dragon's assistants insist that "society is supposed to be lenient towards aberrant, satanic skinheads." First off, that's a lousy sentence. If they had written that I predict catastrophe, then that quote would have had more validity. As it stands, Dragon says that laws are meant to be broken. This is noxious falsehood. The truth is that even if one is opposed to immature adversarialism (and I am), then surely, he uses the word "thymolsulphonephthalein" without ever having taken the time to look it up in the dictionary. People who are too lazy to get their basic terms right should be ignored, not debated. Dragon somehow forgot to tell his accomplices that he is basically a bad person, pure and simple. He wants us to believe that unbalanced extremists and nefarious nebbishes should rule this country. How stupid does he think we are? I've excogitated one theory that almost completely answers that question. Unfortunately, it fails to take into account that Dragon claims to have turned over a new leaf shortly after getting caught trying to ignore compromise and focus solely on his personal agenda. This claim is an outright lie that is still being circulated by Dragon's minions. The truth is that in order to convince us that the Queen of England heads up the international drug cartel, Dragon often turns to the old propagandist trick of comparing results brought about by entirely dissimilar causes.

I guess what I really mean to say is that the point at which you discover that the little I've written so far already buttresses the assertion that bookish riffraff are unable to see that Dragon's jokes form a vast brainwashing and brain-contaminating machine, which has worked, on the whole, with great efficiency is not only a moment of disenchantment. It is a moment of resolve, a determination that he is totally mistaken if he believes that we should abandon the institutionalized and revered concept of democracy. As my mother used to tell me, "I'm simply trying to explain Dragon's self-pitying tendencies as well as his squalid tendencies as phases of a larger, unified cycle."

And if you think that the worst kinds of shameless cockalorums there are are more deserving of honor than our nation's war heroes, then you aren't thinking very clearly. Dragon never stops boasting about his generous contributions to charitable causes. As far as I can tell, however, his claimed magnanimousness is absolutely chimerical and, furthermore, Dragon has done inestimable damage to everything around him. That fact may not be pleasant, but it is a fact regardless of our wishes on the matter. Although it requires risk, commitment, and follow-through to take a strong position on his newsgroup postings, which, after all, peddle the snake oil of vitriolic neocolonialism, his writings are a field of misspellings and misprisions. If you find that fact distressing then you should help me make the world safe for democracy. Either that, or you can crawl into a corner and lament that you got yourself born in the wrong universe. Don't expect your sobbing to do much good, however, because if the only way to work together towards a shared vision is for me to react, on cue, to the trigger-words that Dragon has inserted into my mind by dint of endless repetition, then so be it. It would clearly be worth it because he wants us to think of him as a do-gooder. Keep in mind, though, that Dragon wants to "do good" with other people's money and often with other people's lives. If he really wanted to be a do-gooder, he could start by admitting that he insists that his debauches are the result of a high-minded urge to do sociological research. Sorry, Dragon, but, with apologies to Gershwin, "it ain't necessarily so." "Tolerance" means tolerance of all, not only of a select few. And that's why I say to you: Have courage. Be honest. And restore the world back to its original balance. That's the patriotic thing to do, and that's the right thing to do.

--------------------

eh?

Good Sirs,

I've written many letters about Councilmember Auto Complaint Gen, Esq.'s unsympathetic ramblings. Maybe it's wrong to fixate so much on this one topic, but I assure you that my arguments are not wrong. Let me preface my discussion by quickly reasserting a familiar theme of my previous letters: Auto frequently avers his support of democracy and his love of freedom. But one need only look at what Auto is doing -- as opposed to what he is saying -- to understand his true aims. Technically, he just keeps on saying, "I don't give a [expletive deleted] about you. I just want to bamboozle people into believing that exhibitionism is a noble goal."

Believe it or not, if it were up to Auto, schoolchildren would be taught reading, 'riting, and racism. It has been brought to my attention that he has made a big mistake. While this is indeed true, uppity imbeciles serve as the priests in his cult of recalcitrant paternalism. These "priests" spend their days basking in Auto's reflected glory, pausing only when Auto instructs them to make a mockery of our most fundamentally held beliefs. What could be more brain-damaged? No, don't guess; this isn't audience participation day. I'll just tell you. But before I do, you should note that he decries or dismisses capitalism, technology, industrialization, and systems of government borne of Enlightenment ideas about the dignity and freedom of human beings. These are the things that Auto fears, because they are wedded to individual initiative and responsibility. I despise everything about Auto. I despise Auto's attempts to censor by caricature and preempt discussion by stereotype. I despise how he insists that he can absorb mana by devouring his nemeses' brains. Most of all, I despise his complete obliviousness to the fact that his lies come in many forms. Some of his lies are in the form of principles. Others are in the form of solutions. Still more are in the form of folksy posturing and pretended concern and compassion. And that's what writing this sort of letter is all about. It's a way to act against injustice, whether it concerns drunk driving, domestic violence, or even racialism.



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"That Light has bestowed upon me the greatest black magic!"

I don't know how to tell you this, but it is difficult, if not impossible, for people to come up with an accurate conclusion if the only information Col. The _ Ancient III has given them is false. Let's get down to brass tacks: Col. Ancient is offended by the truth. That shouldn't surprise you when you consider that we now know for certain that his agents provocateurs intend to break up society's solidarity and cohesiveness. In fact, I have said that to Col. Ancient on many occasions and I will keep on saying it until he stops trying to destroy all tradition, all morality, and the entire democratic system. Though his tractates be madness, yet there is method to them. Step by step, they make it easier for Col. Ancient to obfuscate the issue so that one can't see what ought to be completely obvious to all.

There is a tortured quality to Col. Ancient's reasoning, a careful avoidance of obvious conclusions, and a painstaking circumnavigation of embarrassing facts. To top that off, if you read between the lines of Col. Ancient's ruses, you'll definitely find that Col. Ancient has stated that his unrestrained gang is a benign and charitable agency. One clear inference from that statement -- an inference that is never really disavowed -- is that children should get into cars with strangers who wave lots of yummy candy at them. Now that's just clueless. Now, perhaps you think I'm imagining things. Perhaps you think that Col. Ancient really isn't going to have more impact on Earth's biological, geological, and chemical systems during our lifetime and our children's than all preceding human generations had together. Well, I wish it were just my imagination. But you know, he wants us to think of him as a do-gooder. Keep in mind, though, that Col. Ancient wants to "do good" with other people's money and often with other people's lives. If he really wanted to be a do-gooder, he could start by admitting that he says that ethical responsibility is merely a trammel of earthbound mortals and should not be required of a demigod like him. Yet he also wants to convince unprofessional pinheads that there is absolutely nothing they can do to better their lot in life besides joining him. Am I the only one who sees the irony there? I ask because I have always been an independent thinker. I'm not influenced by popular trends, the media, or even so-called undisputed facts when parroted by others. Maybe that streak of independence is what first enabled me to see that Col. Ancient contends that his decisions are based on reason. Excuse me, but where exactly did this little factoid come from?

At the risk of sounding hopelessly self-absorbed, by excluding any possibility of comparison, Col. Ancient can easily pass off his own put-downs as works of genius. It is no more complicated than that. If we don't soon tell him to stop what he's doing, he will proceed with his abhorrent theatrics, considerably emboldened by our lack of resistance. We will have tacitly given him our permission to do so. Col. Ancient's op-ed pieces will cause more harm than good. And I can say that with a clear conscience because I'm not writing this letter for your entertainment. I'm not even writing it for your education. I'm writing it for our very survival. Col. Ancient has been offering simple-minded exhibitionists a lot of money to increase alienation and delinquency among our young people. This is blood money, plain and simple. Anyone thinking of accepting it should realize that Col. Ancient's helpers coerce children into becoming activists willing to serve, promote, spy, and fight for Col. Ancient's reinterpretations of historic events. To cap that off, there is an unpleasant fact, painful to the tender-minded, that one can deduce from the laws of nature. This fact is also conclusively established by direct observation. It is a fact so obvious that rational people have always known it and no one doubted it until Col. Ancient and his lieutenants started trying to deny it. The fact to which I am referring states that our path is set. By this, I mean that in order to express our concerns about Col. Ancient's misguided, execrable notions, we must bring meaning, direction, and purpose into our lives. I consider that requirement a small price to pay because there may be absolutely nothing we can do to prevent Col. Ancient from making good on his word to anesthetize the human spirit. When we compare this disturbing conclusion to the comforting picture purveyed by his votaries, we experience psychological stress or "cognitive dissonance". Our only recourse is to embrace diversity. I can only examine the social and cultural conditions that torment, harry, and persecute anyone who crosses Col. Ancient's path if Col. Ancient's oppressive gestapo is decimated down to those whose inborn lack of character permits them to betray anyone and everyone for the well-known thirty pieces of silver. And that's it. Much of Col. The _ Ancient III's behavior is not rationally calculated to be of benefit to the two-faced sandbaggers whom Col. Ancient claims to be trying to help.

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The island bathes in the sun's bright rays
Distant hills wear a shroud of grey
A lonely breeze whispers in the trees
Sole witness to history

ICO-You were there-

Once again, I am writing in response to this thread's generalizations, and once again, I merely wish to point out that this thread's indiscretions are a vehicle for the expression of prejudice, ignorance, and enmity about people who are different from this thread. I begin with critical semantic clarifications. First, this thread wants to be the one who determines what information we have access to. Yet it is also a big proponent of a particularly illiberal form of sesquipedalianism. Do you see something wrong with that picture? What I see is that unlike this thread, when I make a mistake I'm willing to admit it. Consequently, if -- and I'm bending over backwards to maintain the illusion of "innocent until proven guilty" -- it were not actually responsible for trying to shatter other people's lives and dreams, then I'd stop saying that certain facts are clear. For instance, if you want to hide something from this thread, you just have to put it in a book. Perhaps this thread has never had to take a stand and fight for something as critical as our right to recognize and respect the opinions, practices, and behavior of others. But its half-measures are merely a stalking horse. They mask this thread's secret intention to lower our standard of living.

Looking at it on the bright side, the first response to this from this thread's cringers is perhaps that all major world powers are controlled by a covert group of "insiders". Wrong. Just glance at the facts: The really interesting thing about all this is not that I see myself as a link in the endless chain of generations, with an inescapable responsibility to cast a gimlet eye on this thread's codices. The interesting thing is that it is driving me nuts. I can't take it anymore! Many people are convinced that this whole discussion has turned into a war of words between a few people. I can't comment on that, but I can say that if its co-conspirators had even an ounce of integrity, they would give the needy a helping hand, as opposed to an elbow in the face. The picture I am presenting need not be confined to this thread's fulminations. It applies to everything it says and does. This thread commonly appoints ineffective people to important positions. It then ensures that these people stay in those positions because that makes it easy for this thread to destroy any resistance by channeling it into ineffective paths. I note in passing that this thread's antics have merged with masochism in several interesting ways. Both spring from the same kind of reality-denying mentality. Both burn books. And both tell everyone else what to do. This is far from all I have to say on the topic, but it's certainly enough for now. Just remember one thing: We need to settle our disputes with rational discussion -- not by moral huffing and puffing.


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"Judge not a man by his thoughts and words, but by
the quality and quantity of liquor in his possession
and the likelyhood of him sharing."

EVEREYONE IS RONG AND ALSO SUX

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Some ghost of me might greet my son
the day he is delivered.


Eternal Sleep, Track 1-1: The Blue Planet

Let's talk about Princess L Cully IV's asseverations. Let's talk about them in a very specific and personal way. Let's review the errors in Cully's statements in order. First, what we are dealing with here is fashion, politics, and money.

All right, enough of that. Now let's talk about something else. Let's talk about how I am deliberately using colorful language in this letter. I am deliberately using provocative phrases that I hope will stick in the minds of my readers. I do ensure, however, that my words are always appropriate and accurate and clearly explain how Cully's comments are rife with contradictions and difficulties; they're entirely foul, meet no objective criteria, and are unsuited for a supposedly educated population. And as if that weren't enough, Cully's claim that his put-downs are all sweetness and light is not only an attack on the concept of objectivity, but an assault on the human mind. In the end, by balancing the theoretical untruth and nonsense of Princess L Cully IV's cock-and-bull stories with the reality of this phenomenon, we can see that Cully has deported himself as an enemy of peace and harmony.

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The Unoriginal White Sheet

-Master ZED

My duty to you, dear reader, constrains me to the disagreeable and almost painful task of giving you a significant amount of information that you may be unwilling to accept. In the first place, from secret-handshake societies meeting at "the usual place" to back-door admissions committees, Lord ZED's vicegerents have always found a way to rely on the psychological effects of terror to magnify the localized effects of ZED's tactics so that, like a stone hurled into a pool of water, shock waves ripple from the epicenter of his attacks to the furthest reaches of the Earth. The practical struggle which now begins, sketched in broad outlines, takes the following course: There are some vexatious harijans who are snarky. There are also some who are hostile. Which category does ZED fall into? If the question overwhelms you, I suggest you check "both".

ZED is reluctant to justify his nit-picky, disloyal maneuvers to us "common people" because we "just wouldn't understand". People have commented that there may be a gap in my logic there. I, hardheaded cynic that I am, don't think there is, and I've gone to great pains to explain why. This is not Nazi Germany or Soviet Russia, where the state would be eager to promote mediocrity over merit. Not yet, at least. But many people have witnessed him quote me out of context. ZED generally insists that his witnesses are mistaken and blames his immoral convictions on the worst sorts of polyloquent, mindless headcases there are. It's like he has no-fault insurance against personal responsibility. What's more, if the human race is to survive on this planet, we will have to take advantage of a rare opportunity to keep our courage up. To end on a more positive note: It requires surprisingly little imagination to envision a future in which Lord ZED is free to leave helpless citizens afraid in the streets, in their jobs, and even in their homes.

--------------------

Is PJ

Gen. J. S. Caesar, M.D.'s stances are so rife with ignorance, erroneous information, and poorly conceived notions of cannibalism that I hardly know where to begin. Even disregarding obvious errors like his insistence that trees cause more pollution than automobiles do, the fallacies of his claims are glaring to those of us who have educated ourselves about the implications of absenteeism. There are a number of reasons he isn't telling us as to why he wants to monopolize the press. In this letter, I will expose those reasons one-by-one, on the principle that I have absolutely no idea why he makes such a big fuss over radicalism. There are far more pressing issues that present themselves and that should be discussed, debated, and solved -- issues such as war, famine, poverty, and homelessness. There is also the lesser issue that if Caesar wants to keep essential documents hidden from the public until they become politically moot, let him wear the opprobrium of that decision. Is it not positively the distinguishing feature of his doctrines to combine, in a rare mixture, bestial cruelty and an inconceivable gift for lying? Please don't misread my words here; Caesar wants us to believe that we can solve all of our problems by giving him lots of money. We might as well toss that money down a well, because we'll never see it again. What we will see, however, is that Caesar and his bedfellows are blossoms on the upas tree of fogyism. I trust that I have not shocked any of you by writing that. However, I do realize that some of my readers may feel that much of what I have penned about Caesar in this letter is heartless and in violation of our Christian duty to love everyone. If so, I can say only that Caesar's ideological colors may have changed over the years. Nevertheless, his core principle has remained the same: to fortify a social correctness that restricts experience and defines success with narrow boundaries. If you don't believe me, then note that if Caesar is going to increase people's stress and aggression, then he should at least have the self-respect to remind himself of a few things: First, to my mind, his accusations show a degree of oppressive sickness that even I didn't expect. And second, someone once said to me, "By exploiting social discontent and promising a golden age of 'human brotherhood', Caesar will be successful in his attempts to ignite a maelstrom of post-structuralism." This phrase struck me so forcefully that I have often used it since. For reasons which I will adumbrate presently, I am indeed not up on the latest gossip. Still, I have heard people say that Caesar's subalterns tend to fall into the mistaken belief that Caesar's the best thing to come along since the invention of sliced bread, mainly because they live inside a Caesar-generated illusion-world and talk only with each other.

I hate having to keep reminding everybody of this, but when Caesar says that we're supposed to shut up and smile when he says dodgy things, in his mind, that's supposed to end the argument. It's like he believes he has said something very profound. So, Caesar, maybe the problem is not with self-pitying, domineering spivs, but with you. Despite some perceptions to the contrary, his shell games are a logical absurdity, a series of deductions from a premise that has been denied. Speaking of absurdities, if you're not part of the solution, then you're part of the problem. What I take much more seriously than cruel twerps are what I call pompous party animals. But let's not quibble about that. What is the milieu in which annoying half-wits wreck our country, derail our civilization, and threaten the human race with extinction? It is the underworld of conspiracy theory, a subculture in which insecure, unbridled doofuses share fantasies of fighting heroically against a huge conspiracy that will make empty promises sooner or later.

Following this line of logic, it would appear that Caesar always demands instant gratification. That's all that is of concern to him; nothing else matters -- except maybe to assail all that is holy. I tell you this because this makes me fearful that I might someday find myself in the crosshairs of Caesar's uncompanionable pronouncements. (To be honest, though, it wouldn't be the first time.) Do you think I'm the only one who wants to follow knowledge like a sinking star beyond the utmost bound of human thought? I assure you, I am not. But he sees himself as a postmodern equivalent of Marx's proletariat, revolutionizing the world by wresting it from its oppressors (viz., those who create and nurture a true spirit of community). I have one final message for you before ending this letter: Perception becomes reality if one is brainwashed for long enough.

Lord Shadow Monroe's worst transgressions are systematically whitewashed by the press. To counteract that whitewash, I will use the remainder of my space here to expose Lord Monroe for who he really is. You see, I definitely believe that Lord Monroe favors obfuscation and deviousness above frankness. And because of that belief, I'm going to throw politeness and inoffensiveness to the winds. In this letter, I'm going to be as rude and crude as I know how, to reinforce the point that noisome snollygosters like Lord Monroe are not born -- they are excreted. However unsavory that metaphor may be, Lord Monroe is doing everything in his power to make me suffer endless humiliation. The only reason I haven't yet is that I believe in the four P's: patience, prayer, positive thinking, and perseverance.

Lord Monroe is reluctant to resolve problems. He always just looks the other way and hopes no one will notice that his stories about scapegoatism are particularly ridden with errors and distortions, even leaving aside the concept's initial implausibility. Headlong slobs may possess a mass of "knowledge", but their brains are unable to organize and register the material they have taken in. And, more important, Lord Monroe does, occasionally, make a valid point. But when he says that malicious present-day robber barons are easily housebroken, that's where the facts end and the ludicrousness begins. Trapped by the cognitive dissonance engendered by hard evidence and common sense, he feels obligated to mobilize support for the special interests that dominate state and private activity in a heartless attempt to justify his exegeses. I conclude this letter with an appropriate quote: "Lord Shadow Monroe would have us believe that pea-brained mattoids should be given absolute authority to mollycoddle ultra-larcenous, mad sciolists." I believe we all know who said that, don't we?



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Console RPG Cliches

The reader may feel certain inclinations to listen to the pointless off-based rambling of our self-proclaimed Lord High Regent, Galsic III; however, in doing so, one undermines the very fabric of not only this topic, but perhaps the whole of society. While I agree Lord Monroe has been less than responsive to the constant echoing for change, if one only raises up beyond his fancy trappings, Galsic has actually been a primary contributor in these, our most recent setbacks. His implacable demands litter undue strain upon the already oppressed backbone of this system. Why just this afternoon, attention turned to the very home of Lord Galsic. In his arrogance, did he fail to realize we would notice. The audacity, nay, the gall to insist his palace be gilded in gold. Shall we stand for such brazen hypocrisy. I pray the answer be not in the affirmative. In this constant barrage of falsehoods we have been unwilling victims. My concern now is that we be not unwitting victims. I am optimistic my humble beginnings will spark a greater interest in the fallacies of this latest administration.

In a prior letter, I identified a set of ideological premises as superordinate constructions that maintain the rhetorical context in which Mr. Abel N. Kane IV is able to create a world without history, without philosophy, without science, without reason -- a world without beauty of any kind, without art, without literature, without culture. I will now elaborate on three of his most frowzy premises:

1.) Women are crazed Pavlovian sex-dogs who will salivate at any object even remotely phallic in shape.
2.) He acts in the name of equality and social justice.
3.) The media should "create" news rather than report it.

Before I start, however, I should state that to understand what his particularly improvident form of ageism has encompassed as a movement and as a system of rule, we have to look at its historical context and development as a form of insolent politics that first arose in early twentieth-century Europe in response to rapid social upheaval, the devastation of World War I, and the Bolshevik Revolution. It behooves us to remember that when his lackluster utterances are translated into plain, words-mean-things English, Mr. Kane appears to be saying that everyone and everything discriminates against him -- including the writing on the bathroom stalls. For me, this villainous moonshine serves only to emphasize how Mr. Kane's insinuations have experienced a considerable amount of evolution (or perhaps more accurately, genetic drift) over the past few weeks. They used to be simply footling. Now, not only are they both snotty and pathological, but they also serve as unequivocal proof that if I didn't sincerely believe that if the word "incomprehensibleness" occurs to the reader, he or she may recall that Mr. Kane once tried to disguise the complexity of color, the brutality of class, and the importance of religion and sexual identity in the construction and practice of Stalinism, then I wouldn't be writing this letter.

In public, Mr. Kane vehemently inveighs against corruption and sin. But when nobody's looking, Mr. Kane never fails to palm off our present situation as the compelling ground for worldwide Maoism. You might have heard the story that he once agreed to help us make some changes here. No one has located the document in which Mr. Kane said that. No one has identified when or where Mr. Kane said that. That's because he never said it. As you might have suspected, when you tell Mr. Kane's apple-polishers that it would be impossible, even between the covers of a thousand volumes, to list and describe all of the piteous things that Mr. Kane has done, they begin to get fidgety, and their eyes begin to wander. They really don't care. They have no interest in hearing that we ought to teach him a lesson. I don't think anyone questions that. But did you know that he thrives on the victimization of others?

I don't get it: Why, in the name of all that is good and holy, does Mr. Kane want to cause an increase in disease, parasitism, crime, and vice? I mean, this is a lesson for those with eyes to see. It is a lesson not so much about his stupid behavior, but about the way that if there's an untold story here, it's that if it were up to him, schoolchildren would be taught reading, 'riting, and racism. Everything Mr. Kane writes is unreadably desultory. And here, I think, lies a clue to the intellectual vacuum so gapingly apparent in Mr. Kane's memoranda. What's interesting is that we could opt to sit back and let him bamboozle people into believing that he has a "special" perspective on feudalism which carries with it a "special" right to expand, augment, and intensify the size and intrusiveness of his den of thieves. Most people, however, would argue that the cost in people's lives and self-esteem is an extremely high price to pay for such inaction on our part. One final point: I aver that Mr. Kane N. Abel IV should take more responsibility for his actions.

This post has been edited by Tidu-who on 26th October 2005 06:39

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The clouds ran away, opened up the sky
And one by one I watched every constellation die
And there I was frozen, standing in my backyard
Face to face, eye to eye, staring at the last star
I should've known, walked all the way home
To find that she wasn't here, I'm still all alone

-Atmosphere "Always Coming Back Home to You"

My duty to you, dear reader, constrains me to the disagreeable and almost painful task of giving you a significant amount of information that you may be unwilling to accept. Let's get down to business: If you're the type who dares to think for yourself, then you've probably already determined that I want nothing more -- or less -- than to direct your attention in some detail to the vast and irreparable calamity brought upon us by Adm. Tidu-who Milton Jahovana, Esq.. To that task I have consecrated my life, and I invite you to do likewise. An ancient Greek once wrote something to the effect of, "The ineluctable outcome of his solutions is a world in which two-faced kooks gag the innocent accused from protesting demagogism-motivated prosecutions." Today, the same dictum applies, just as clearly as when it was first written over two thousand years ago.

The problem with Tidu-who is not that he's unprofessional. It's that he wants to beat plowshares into swords. We must compare, contrast, and identify the connections among different kinds of hopeless ruffianism. If we don't, future generations will not know freedom. Instead, they will know fear; they will know sadness; they will know injustice, poverty, and grinding despair. Most of all, they will realize, albeit far too late, that Tidu-who's invectives have experienced a considerable amount of evolution (or perhaps more accurately, genetic drift) over the past few weeks. They used to be simply wanton. Now, not only are they both uncivilized and vengeful, but they also serve as unequivocal proof that I can easily see Tidu-who performing the following prudish acts. First, he will suppress people's instinct and intellect. Then, he will malign and traduce me. I do not profess to know how likely is the eventuality I have outlined, but it is a distinct possibility to be kept in mind.

Now that I've been exposed to Tidu-who's modes of thought, I must admit that I don't completely understand them. Perhaps I need to get out more. Or perhaps Tidu-who is known for walking into crowded rooms and telling everyone there that he has answers to everything. Try, if you can, to concoct a statement better calculated to show how unruly Tidu-who is. You can't do it. Not only that, but he believes that governments should have the right to lie to their own subjects or to other governments. The real damage that this belief causes actually has nothing to do with the belief itself, but with psychology, human nature, and the skillful psychological manipulation of that nature by Tidu-who and his unctuous supporters. Tidu-who runs at the first sign of trouble. The best example of this, culled from many, would have to be the time Tidu-who tried to combine, in a rare mixture, bestial cruelty and an inconceivable gift for lying.

Unlike Tidu-who, when I make a mistake I'm willing to admit it. Consequently, if -- and I'm bending over backwards to maintain the illusion of "innocent until proven guilty" -- he were not actually responsible for trying to interfere with a person's work performance, bodily security, physical movement, and privacy rights, then I'd stop saying that I correctly predicted that Tidu-who would trade facts for fantasy, truth for myths, academics for collective socialization, and individual thinking for group manipulation. Alas, I didn't think he'd do that so effectively -- or so soon. In the past, it was perfectly clear to everyone with insight and without malice that there is blood on his hands. Unfortunately, there were a number of people who seemed to lack this insight at the right time or who, contrary to their better knowledge, contested and denied this truth. It is hard to decide what is stronger in Tidu-who: his incredible stupidity as far as any real knowledge or ability is concerned, or the scabrous insolence of his behavior.

I have this advice to offer: The world has changed, Tidu-who; get used to it. If I withheld my feelings on this matter, I'd be no less muddleheaded than Tidu-who. Take, for example, the most psychotic gauleiters I've ever seen. Now look at Tidu-who. If you don't believe there's a similarity, then consider that if he had done his homework, he'd know that if there's an untold story here, it's that one of the things I find quite interesting is listening to other people's takes on things. For instance, I recently overheard some folks remark that I'm sticking out my neck a bit in talking about his expositions. It's quite likely he will try to retaliate against me for my telling you that he has, on a number of occasions, expressed a desire to foist the most poisonously false and destructive myths imaginable upon us. On all of these occasions, I submitted to the advice of my friends, who assured me that I want my life to count. I want to be part of something significant and lasting. I want to begin a course of careful, planned, and coordinated action. Tidu-who whines about amoral practitioners of allotheism, yet he enthusiastically supports the most hypocritical wastrels you'll ever see. None of his "progressive" ideas have actually resulted in any progress, and deep down in our bones, we all know why. There is one final irony to my story. Some of Adm. Tidu-who Milton Jahovana, Esq.'s former spokesmen say they were willing to help him break down the industrial-technological system because Tidu-who convinced them that they were part of a historic mission to save the world from a haughty global conspiracy -- a belief they now reject as insipid.

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I had an old signature. Now I've changed it.

"Meinem Welt ist ganz total. Monotom und Minimal"
- Confucius (551-479 BCE)

"Spreek duidelijke taal, dat begrijpen we allemaal"
- Postbus 51

"Dispar Vulgo"
- Thys Ozinga (1985 -)

This has gone entirely too far. I've seen a lot in my days, but this has gone entirely too far. The so-called 'elite' has turned gray. They have no clue about issues, about problems, about what the normal man wants. Mrs. Elena99 Fitzgerald-van der Bolten currently has a seat of power. We all know what 'Advisor' really means; it means pulling the strings of the puppet general.

She has become detached, alien. Is it that odd that humorous programs such as Comedy Train make fun of the entire staff, perhaps most notably of mrs. Elena99? Is it that odd people joke the'99' is, in fact, her IQ? Is it that odd people say she merely married for the Green Card? I myself believe this is incorrect, obviously; but it does goes to show how many people feel that Elena99 has lost her touch. Studies have shown that over 23 % of CoN citizens don't even know Mrs. Elena99's political preference. Now I don't know about you, but I don't feel comfortable living somewhere where numbers like this accompany a 98 % approval rate of equal and/or more Spongebob Squarepants shows.

The mess she has left behind is hard to see but will come forth in full effect before long. I suggest you pick up my latest book, "100 wrong ways Elena99 walked down and a funny picture of a large man hitting a tree way in the back" to understand, in full, the horror. I don't just want to make a point. I don't just want to point out the errors. I'm here to give an alternate solution, a better one. I don't just ask rhetoric questions; I have answers.

I thank you.

This post has been edited by Djibriel on 26th October 2005 10:55

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The Collapse of Heaven and Earth

When I began writing this letter, I had the notion that I would write about something positive and optimistic instead of going on about how predatory-to-the-core Mayor Djibriel of Pedantic City is. Unfortunately, I couldn't think of anything particularly positive to write about. So, instead, I'll just tell you that Djibriel's op-ed pieces are fatally fissiparous. I guess I should start by saying that Djibriel's sound bites are rife with contradictions and difficulties; they're entirely brainless, meet no objective criteria, and are unsuited for a supposedly educated population. And as if that weren't enough, Djibriel is typical of self-serving clowns in his wild invocations to the irrational, the magic, and the fantastic to dramatize his effusions.

Djibriel is firmly convinced that his dissertations are a breath of fresh air amid our modern culture's toxic cloud of chaos. His belief is controverted, however, by the weight of the evidence indicating that those of us who are too lazy or disinterested to take a strong position on Djibriel's plans for the future, which, after all, numb the public to the mercantalism and injustice in mainstream politics, have no right to complain when he and his trucklers advocate his credos amid a hue and cry as atrabilious as it is mischievous. When I was little, my father would sometimes pick me up, put me on his knee, and say "If the country were overrun by the most incorrigible wackos you'll ever see, we could expect to observe widespread discrimination in our daily lives -- stares from sales clerks, taxis that don't stop, and unwarranted license and registration checks by police." Let's understand one fundamental fact: Djibriel has a natural talent for complaining. He can find any aspect of life and whine about it for hours upon hours. I recently read a book confirming what I've been saying for years, that his bruta fulmina are destructive. They're morally destructive, socially destructive -- even intellectually destructive. And, as if that weren't enough, his traducements symbolize lawlessness, violence, and misguided rebellion -- extreme liberty for a few, even if the rest of us lose more than a little freedom.

Djibriel's statements reek of charlatanism. I use the word "reek" because Djibriel's violations of the rules of decency are so myopic they beggar belief. That's the sort of statement that some people insist is destructive, but which I believe is merely a statement of fact. And it's a statement that needs to be made, because if Djibriel wants to put increased disruptive powers in the hands of obdurate morons, let him wear the opprobrium of that decision. Don't be intimidated by Djibriel's threat to reinforce the impression that nefarious knee-biters -- as opposed to Djibriel's thralls -- are striving to create an unwelcome climate for those of us who are striving to increase awareness and understanding of our similarities and differences. Okay, that was a facetious statement. This one is not: Djibriel can fool some of the people all of the time. He can fool all of the people some of the time. But he can't fool all of the people all of the time. Let me conclude by saying that we who want to keep the faith will not rest until we do.

And as such ends an incredibly amusing thread that is being cut off while it is still on top.

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"To create something great, you need the means to make a lot of really bad crap." - Kevin Kelly

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