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FF4: The Story They'd Rather Forget
“On the frontlines, there is but one commandment: Thou shalt kill.”
“…”
“Crap, wrong game.”
Chapter One: The Order of the Pizza*

Baron…
It was a clear day in Baron, as the sun rose into the sky. Barley a cloud was visible, and the land was at peace…

Then all hell broke loose.

The King, King Cecil, looked out of the window at the chaos in the town nearby. For reasons of narrative convenience, it wasn’t Baron. But it was the town that had beat the Red Wings football team in the local Pub tournament, so Cecil hadn’t sent anyone there. Anyone he liked, that was.
“So, Jim, what’s the problem?” he said to the hastily-elected prime minister, James Smith.
Cecil had liked the idea of a PM as he had heard they caught flak, and more importantly, arrows, for the king. The idea had once belonged to a small nation known as Hisinia, a name that often had most non-Baronians throwing up at the mere mention of it.
“Er, well, sire, it appears that Barry's at it again,” James said.
“Barry?” Cecil asked.
“Barry Blotter, the stupid Black mage,” Jim said.
“Wait… run that first bit by me again…”
“Barry Blotter,” the PM repeated.
“Oh good grief… are you TRYING to get us sued?!”
“No sir, right to parody and all that. Anyway, Barry… “
“Is probably killing all the Crimson Wings even as we speak… hooray. Anyway, keep going,” Cecil said.
“Barry is an extremely powerful mage, as you can see…“ -a loud explosion, and a burning cartwheel landed through the window- “…And hear. And smell.”
Another explosion, and a helmet bounced off the window frame.
“My, he’s got up on the wrong side of bed this morni…” Cecil said, looking through binoculars. His sudden pause worried the PM.
“Err, what’s wrong sire?”
Cecil turned, tears in his eyes…
“THE SHMUCKS HAVE ARRESTED HIM!”
“Oh, I see sire. I really believe you should listen to Queen Rosa on this case ...and transfer them.” the PM advised.
“To someone we’re about to invade…” Cecil muttered.

In the streets of the unnamed town, Private Boom had apprehended the crazed mage. Meanwhile, Captain John Shallot was yelling loudly at a Demon.
“Look, I don’t know how you got here either, but you need to go back home!!”
“But I can’t recall which way home is!”
“I thought you were a keeper of secrets?!”
“Well, yes, but a road maps hardly a secret…”
“Good grief... DRAGON!!”
“Yes, John?” said Acting-Captain Dragon Plotline-Thrumud. His squad was arguing with a woman and a demon of some sort over a damaged garden gnome.
“Sort this Daemon out, will you?”
Dragon drew his sword, as Shallot's team took the mage to the castle.
“Yes, that’s nice, but how’s art going to get me home?”
“Look… this is Baron castle here at the left of the hilt, this is this town at the right. At the point, is a Taxi-Rank. See?” Dragon pointed out on the map he had doodled on.
“Oh, right. ”
“Charge the bill to The King,” Dragon said.
“Elvis, or Cecil?”asked the Daemon.
“King Cecil,” said Dragon.

Baron Castle
“Blotter, this is the third time you have been brought before me. And as king, the highest court in the land, my voice is the last word, and there is no appeal,” Cecil said.
“Except me. Or else” said Rosa.
“Ah, yes… Anyway, you are charged with vandalism. And summoning demonic creatures who didn’t have enough money to enjoy the tourist attractions,” said the King , “How do you plead?”
“You arrested me cos I’m a Black Mage!” Barry proclaimed.
“Um, no, I do believe that you were arrested as a result of all the burnt buildings and stuff. “
“Ah. Yeah, that… it wasn’t me!” said Barry.
“Yes it was,.” said Rosa.
“Prove it! And if you can’t, I’ll burn yo… Fabul to the ground,” Barry said.
“Oh, damn, I guess we can’t prove anythi…” Cecil said.
“CECIL!” yelled Rosa.
“Damn. Can you burn it down anyw..”
“CECIL!!!”
“Look, Rosa, shut up or I’ll post those photos on deviantart!”
“You wouldn’t! You’re in them too!” Rosa exclaimed.
“Crap… ah, but I had the mask on! They wont know its me! But they‘ll know its you, with the whip!” Cecil retorted.
“They will, you were the only one with that costume!” Rosa said.
“Ma’am, Sir, stop arguing, the images of your cosplay are up already!” A Guard said.
“What?! Who did that?! Treason! Execute them!”
“It was both of you,.” said the PM.
“Oh, yeah…” Rosa realised “Best not execute us…”
“I have one question, yer fuzzinesses. What the hell are you talking about?” Barry asked.
“A cosplay. I was a Tonberry, she was Quistis,” Cecil said.
“So, can we get to the point?” said Rosa.
“Okay: Barry Blotter, you are to be taken from this place and hang’d by the neck until slightly sick. Then conscripted into the Red Wing Territorial Army,” Cecil said, in what he thought a voice of authority, but actually the voice of a rookie LAPD cop facing 40 bloods armed with AK’s and the cops not trusted with live ammo in his berretta and he knows it.
“No, please, I appeal! Can’t I get the chair!? I killed people, for crying out loud!” Barry screamed.
“No you didn’t.” Rosa said.
“Yes I did, those peasants in that unnamed town!” He pointed out.
“They don’t count. They only had one line,” Cecil said.
Barry fried a guard.
“So did he, and it was ‘welcome to Cornwall’ for some reason,” Rosa said.
Barry tried to attack Rosa. But nothing happened.
“If it’s status-related, I have a ribbon…,” Rosa said.
“And you’re also out of MP,” Cecil said.
“So, err, what now?” asked Barry.
“We hang you a bit. Then drag you to the Crimson Wings Barracks,” said Rosa.

After a mild hanging, Barry went to a fate worse than death: the Crimson Wings were to be sent to Mysidia for an exercise. But going ahead of them was a message.
Oddly, despite the constant mention of Internet, by pigeon post, not e-mail. Cecil’s a pillock when you look at it properly.

*-Note: fiction has no pizza in it at all.

This post has been edited by Del S on 25th April 2005 20:22

--------------------

"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

My God... he's at it again!





I love it so far! My favorite line is

Quote (The King)

“Charge the bill to The King.”Dragon said.
“Elvis, or Cecil?”asked the Daemon.
“King Cecil.”said Dragon.

--------------------

~Status Report~

* Completed... Dragon's Head
* Completed... Soldiers of the Empire: Disciples (release pending)
* In Progress/Undecided... Of Love and Betrayal
* Planning/Assembly... Where it all Began

Chapter 2: HMS Somewhere
The royal guards dragged Barry into the Crimson Wings barracks. There, Captain John Shallot, Private Boom, and Sergeant Cordelia Redshirt sat in the barracks. A faint airship hover noise was heard above.
“This is Private Blotter, sentenced to serve in the military by the King,” said a guard. Shallot stood.
“Yes, thank you, Soldier…”
“Thanks for nothing…” said Barry. At this point, something odd happened. Barry noted that a characters appearance was being described…
Shallot was a man of around 30 years old, his age supplemented to seem like 40 by the scars and his moustache. His hair was brown, short, and his green eyes were at this moment, behind ray-ban sunglasses. He had on armour, with three feathers upon his helm.
He wore a field shirt, and armour of the Baronian army. He also held a small pen, which flashed light at Barry.
“You didn’t see any description. You cannot read outside the lines,” Said Shallot.
Barry blinked, and looked around once more. Also here was Private Boom, hidden below a helm with the faceplate stuck on, and wearing bright silver armour, a private's marking above his forehead on his helm. Sergeant Redshirt sat in the uniform of female soldiers of Baron: the design Rosa swapped it to after the previous Kings' designs were implemented. Now, a halfway-to-knee length skirt, armoured leggings, same boots as males, and a breastplate shaped correctly for practical defensive use. This was greatly improved from a schoolgirl uniform like it used to be, and a breastplate that didn’t exist. The tactical manual also no longer had ‘hide behind the girls’ as a valid manoeuvre.
“Well, now what?” asked Barry.
“Private Blotter, you are to be assigned to Squad 1. Captain Plotline-Thrumud's squad. As soon as he stops messing about with the remote control Airship.”
Dragon entered then. Wearing similar garb to Shallot. Following, was Ivor, who was wearing the same armour as Boom, but the faceplate was off. Just hanging about at the door was Bella, and Rambo. Bella wore the female uniform, Rambo wore a bandana, and a Vietnam-style helmet with ‘born to kill’ written on it.
“Whose squad is Rambo in again, sir?” asked Cordeilia.
“Gunnerage Sergeant Rambo T. Moogle is his own squad, Sergeant Redshirt.”
“Wait, Gunnerage?” asked Barry.
“Yep. He’s got more firearms than an NRA convention where only two members have arrived so far, due to traffic” said Dragon.
“Ah Right… why does Baron appear to have broadband internet, nuclear-powered aircraft carriers, televisions, and microwaves, yet the army still has swords and stuff?” asked Barry.
“Its simple. A Wizard did it,” Shallot said.
“Did I?” Barry asked.
“No. The truth is we just do,” Bella said.
“Ah. And before you force me into the army, how dead will you make me if I ask you out?”
“97%” said Bella.
And so, they looked at the orders.
“We are to head to Mysidia to assist in an exercise with them. More details on the exercise will be given there…” said Shallot. He then turned to the assembled ranks of the Crimson Wings.
“Crimson Wings! We depart for the Devils Road! ” He announced. “Privates, Blotter included, begin packing.”
“Do you mean the pural devils, or the road belonging to the devil?” asked Barry.
“How the hell should I know?! It's not like I picked the damn things name!” Shallot said.
“It's still a source of confusion, sir,” said Ivor.
“Fine, we head for the thingy that leads to Mysidia, you pedantic sods!”
At this, Bella sat whilst the other privates stood. Ivor had already noted her sword (now real and sharp as a sharp thing that’s been sharpened) moving out of it's scabbard, and had stood to pack, as they left for Baron town.

The Long Road
The Regiment Marched apart from Rambo, who flew, and Barry, who stumbled.
Suddenly, a familiar face hopped out from behind a tree.
“YOU!” cried Dragon.
“YES, ME!” said the Face.
“We killed you!” Ivor said.
In front of them was the Moped Man.
“Hah! Death is but a minor inconvenience!” Said the Moped Man.
“And the truth is…?”
“… Rambo never set the bomb off,” said Moped
“What bomb?” asked Shallot.

Quote

The man angrily extinguished the box, pulled out the toast, and then ate huffily in the corner, spraying crumbs and bits of meat everywhere. The crew snuck off…
Except Rambo, who put on a grey sneaking suit, red bandana, and planted C4 upon the mans’ back…

pointed out Moped.
“Oh, that one,” said Cordelia
“You weren’t there you daft cow!” said Moped
For his troubles, he got 7 swords, and 2 Submachine guns drawn.
“Come on, there’s more than five of you! Even FF tactics didn’t have THAT many I hear!” Moped protested meekly.
“Who says we’re using FF rules?” asked Dragon.
“This is C & C Rules, Kupo!” cried Rambo, firing, as the swordsmen and women charged in…

Baron
After dicing Moped, they neared the entrance to the Devils Road, or the Devil's ROad, or as it had been unofficialy renamed, the thingy that led to Mysidia.
“Its Shut,” said a Traffic Watchman.
“…What?” said Shallot.
“Closed for Roadwork’s,” said the man.
“Damn…” said Dragon.
“Now what?” Said Barry.
Cordelia cried out an idea.
“To the naval base!”

The Naval Base
“Are there any boats passing by Mysidia?” asked Dragon, to a guard at the base.
“Umm… The HMS Somewhere’s going to a random small country to… ‘prevent violence by bombing key enemy military installations like…. Schools, Hospitals*, Churches, that sort of thing, and, err, stop them having all the fun’ by order of His Majesty King Cecil the Overrated. I mean First, " said the guard.
“And it passes Mysidia?” asked Bella.
“Yes,” the Guard said.
“So, can we hitch a ride?” asked Boom.
“Only if you promise only to nick coasters and soap. Last TA mob took 5 cannons,” the guard told them.

Half an hour later, the ship was setting sail. And the ships Commander had orders to head straight for anything remotely resembling Leviathan and abandon ship without telling the hitchhiking TA Crimson Wings.

Next Day
“So, how long will it be till we’re in Mysidia?” asked Dragon.
“Dunno… “ said Ivor.
“Um… Guys?” said Shallot.
“Ahem,” said Bella and Cordelia.
“And Girls…” Shallot added.
“Kupo!”
“And Moogles,” he continued.
“Moo!”
“And…what the hell?!” Shallot said.
“Well, John, you have something to say. Spit it out,” Dragon said.
“I was going to say, we’ve arrived, but now I’m saying WHY THE HELL IS THERE A COW OVER THERE?”
“It’s always been there,” Ivor said.

And so, they disembarked (the cow was a crewman, so stayed aboard as the ship set off) and had a short trek to Mysdia… or would have, had they not been dumped 50 miles too far north.

*Initially, it said 'Hosspital' here. Contrary to convention, this isn't a typo. Its actually a medical institution specifically for equini... equna.. gee gees. Of course, the only one was closed by the Ministry of Not Taking the Piss Thank You Very Much, Pal.

This post has been edited by Del S on 24th April 2005 22:15

--------------------

"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

Chapter 3- Random Battle
The team began to walk, as the Airship Carrier sailed off to bomb a random (and probably the wrong) country. But encountered a minor problem…
Three men burst out from bushes, crossbows aimed.
“Ha! Baronians off to warn Mysidia of our plot?” cried the leader.
“Umm… no, sorry. Don’t know of any plot, sirs,” Ivor said.
“Especially not in THIS story, Kupo!” Rambo said.
“If you give us a few reminders, we might get it…” said Cordelia.
“Sinister secret cult?” said one.
“Nope. Don’t ring any bells…” said Barry.
“Evil god who can manifest ? Oh, and had hundreds of people sacrificed to him every year?” said another.
“Doors knocking, but no ones home, old chap…” said Shallot.
“Baronian soldiers being shot at by Damcyans?” the last one said.
“It’s called ‘A Football Tournament’. And their shots were offside,” said Boom.
“…We’re in the wrong bloody story again, aren’t we?” said the leader.
“Possibly,” Bella said, sniping passing Rocs and Cockatrices with her longbow.
After apologises, the men left to find the right fic…

The band carried on, until ANOTHER encounter, this time with what appeared to be a walking goldmine.
“Who are you?” asked Ivor.
“Ah’m Fifty GP!” said the bling bling.
“…He’s speaking a foreign language, sir,” said Cordelia.
“Actually, he’s just an idiot…” Barry said.
“Rapper!” said the man.
“Same thing. Anyway, he’ll probably want to battle us,” Barry said. At this, the swords were drawn.
“RAP Battle,” Fifty GP said.
“Oh, right…” Dragon said.
“Eminem’s got a lot to answer for…” said Bella.
Rambo spunned (no, spun intended…) the decks, and the enemy rapped*.

“Yo, What's all this Crap in front of me?
Rusty swords and armour, that’s what I see!
A Captain who be Actin’, and wont get no award.
A goddamned sergeant who could wound himself with his sword!
The only one I’m impressed wit’s the AK-47
That gun the Moogle’s packing may send me to heaven!
And that’s a chick? Where’s her boobs?
You at such low levels, you gotta be noobs!
Let’s face it y’all, yo’ party is whack.
So when I’ve whupped your ass, don’t come back!” 50GP said.

“What now?” said Ivor.
“I have experience with people like this…” Barry said.
“So do I, but there’s no river to dump him in around here,” Said Bella.
“Um… let me handle him, eh?” said Barry.

“So you think you’re a big man, at level seven.
How about the fact I got a Mac Eleven?
Who’s laughing now dog, it ain’t you.
Me and my Homeboys gonna cut you in two.
And Homegirl there ain’t too happy with your remark.
She gonna neuter doggy, so he can’t bark.
And Ivor theres sword, its really pretty sharp.
And you’re just a dumbass bard, gonna hit me with a harp?
So you better cut and run and leave the GP,
We don't wanna see yo’ ass until a remake on PS3!

“So, we won?” asked Shallot.
“Yep,” said Barry.
“And he lives, kupo?” asked Rambo.
“Oh, hell no…” said Bella, grabbing the Mac-11.

* * *

In Mysidia, the Elder sat reading a letter…
“3 tins of beans,
1 tube of BBQ Pringles,
Toothpaste,
The Beano…”
No, hold on, that’s the shopping list… thought the Elder. where’s my letter…
Suddenly, the twins burst in. The Windows. And not for the first time the elder cursed the day he bought Rainbow Six 3...
As the white mage attendant gibbered insanely, and the black mage fled, the twins turned to the Elder.
“You gave us a letter instead of a Shopping list,” Porom said.
“And Cecil’s an idiot. He keeps mixing me up with Porom. Surely my manliness shines through blatantly?!” said the young Black Mage.
The elder stared. As did Porom.
“Well, the skirts a bit of a problem in that respect,” the White mage said. The Black Mage had returned, and was laughing insanely.
“You should pay more attention as to what drawers you’re taking stuff out off,” Porom said, mentally recalling to obtain a claymore mine to stick in her wardrobe.
“Wha… but I…” Palom stuttered.
“Oh, don’t get Poroms knickers in a twist. Go and change into male clothing…” said the elder, who had dealt with incidents of Black Mages getting into the skirts of White Mages before, but generally with a stun gun. Or , like in this case, sarcasm. The numbers of half-witted Black Mages with sisters were surprisingly high.
Eventually, Palom returned… The Elder having read the letter.
“Dear EldarElder.
Please assign your most cunning and sneaky agents to “Help” the Crimson Wings. Make sure they know to thrown them off Mount Ordeals, and do what you see fit with Blotter. Possibly catapult ammo.
Yours Sincerely,
King Cecil.

P.S- Warn Porom that Private-Plotline-Thrumud’s a nutter, and under no circumstances must any advances be made upon her on his wages.
P.P.S- Palom, even, whatever ones the guy.
P.P.P.S- and for gods sake, don’t let him read this.
P.P.P.P.S- Rosa also says to tell him a yellow blouse doesn’t suit him. I think she’s going nuts…” said the letter.
“Blimey, a Talking Letter!” said a pot plant.
“!LAUSUNU S’TAHT” said a Broom.
“Surely he meant to say ‘hit me in the’ after going in the PPPPS?” said the White Mage.
“Can we get with the program, dawgs?” said Palom.
“Err… Porom, translate."
“I can‘t. I can only guess the shock of putting on the wrong trousers, so to speak, has made him try to be cool…”
“Pha! In my day, we used ice spells to make us cool!” the Elder said.
“He tried sir, and missed. that’s why there’s an ice cube beside me…” said the Black Mage, pointing to the frozen white mage beside him.
“Good grief! Learn to aim lad!” said the Elder.
“So, what do we do, dawg?” asked Palom. The Black Mage silenced him.
“He got on my nerves, sir,” said the Mage.
“Okay… basically, you’re to throw the Crimson Wings off Mount Ordeals,” The Elder said.
“Does Cecil mean for us to kill them?!” Porom cried. Palom was attacking the Black Mage in the background with a host of objects.
“Nah. He must mean the Hang-Gliding at the summit we installed recently. Nice of him…” the Elder said. Palom had the other black mage on the floor in a stranglehold. Porom waved her arms absent-mindedly at her brother, and he got smaller…
“Well, I don’t see why WE have to do it…” she said. The larger black mage now had a jam jar…
“He asked for cunning and sneaky, possibly to dodge the fare,” the Elder said. The mage was now sitting reading the newspaper, waving a hair dryer at the White Mage, whilst a small shape hopped up and down in a jam jar on a table.
“I said we. Palom is about as cunning as a gerbil and as sneaky as warning someone you’re about to ambush them,” she said.
“Well, you’d best be off…” The elder waved, to a smash and a crash as the jar burst, and so did the table. The twins then left.
The shivering white mage then closed the door.
“Ah, Mage Attendant… could you get me some ice for my dri... Why‘s she screaming?” said the Elder.
“No idea, sir,” said the Black Mage.

*RAPPED, you vulgar people! There's no 'C' there at all!



This post has been edited by Del S on 15th April 2005 16:14

--------------------

"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

What the fork..?

--------------------

Uwao. aooh! I'm Gau!
I'm your friend!
Let's travel together!

Another masterpiece, bravo.

Heh....97 % dead....gotta write that one down.

--------------------

The Collapse of Heaven and Earth

Chapter Four: Mysidia, land of mental scars.
Mysidia. Like I said in the line above.
The Regiment arrived in the town at 7:34pm. The town was deathly quiet…
“What the? Where is everyone?” asked Dragon.
“Not here, sir,” said Private Boom.
“Well, yes, that’s clear, but where are they at this very moment in time?” Shallot asked.
The lights were on in one building, and a cheer erupted from it.
“Pub…” all the soldiers said in Unison. The Crimson Wings (Except Barry and Rambo, who reasoned that any locked doors in Mysidia wouldn’t withstand an RPG of the explosive variety) marched into the pub.
Inside the pub, the whole town was assembled watching the TV. The two captains though of some means of getting to the bar to ask what was going on… however, Boom and Ivor were both there already. Bella and Cordelia already had a bottle of Archers each.
“We need to find Barry. Its definitely stripe-related, this whole getting to the bar in nanoseconds despite the … John?!” Dragon said, with his last surprise at the thing Shallot held.
“Yes, Dragon?” said the Captain.
“Where the hell did you get that beer?!”
“Bought it at the bar.”
“But… you never moved an inch!”
“This is Mysidia. You slip things on the tab mentally,” Bella explained.
“So why did Ivor and Boom head to the bar if you can order by telekinetic powers? And how does it get here?” Dragon said
Barry entered then, with a large bag of items he had found lying around in peoples houses. Like potions, elixirs, and heirlooms. Oh, and the silverware too.
“Its easy, sir. They’re off to get the little swirly cheesy nibble things. And try ordering.”
Dragon did. An upside-down pint glass appeared in his hand, and a pint appeared on the floor.
“Ah, magic… shame it follows orders exactly,” Dragon said.
“What did you order, Dragon?” asked Bella
“Upside-down pint of Lager.”

The regiment decided to advance upon the bar and capture a stool. Secondary objectives were to chat up anything of the opposite gender not of the same nationality but preferably of same species, and in Ivors case, build a card tower from coasters then balance a pint glass on it.
A black mage sat drinking a pint of Butter.
“Bloody mental speech impediment…” the mage grumbled.

“Are there any red mages here?” asked Bella.
“This is a social gathering with alcohol and ,probably, girls. What do you think?” said a Blue Mage.
“Probably?”
“I’m so drunk right now I think you’re a Baronian soldier in a skirt that could possibly be female but frankly I don‘t care cos I’m just here to get away from the wife. Honestly, you‘d think as a teacher she‘d have gotten used to her class of black mages playing pranks on her, turning her into things , and setting up Landmines in her desk by now, its all she ever moans about…”
“Sorry to interrupt your ramble, but I am a Baronian soldier in a skirt,” Bella said.
“Then I’m not drunk enough yet. Damn. Come back when I think you’re a squirrel driving Metal Gear Rex,” said the mage.

The twins had entered the pub, and located the Crimson Wings. They found the Captains at the TV.
“Captains Shallot and Plotline-Thrumud? We’re your guides for the training exercise. “ Porom said.
Silence. The two men stared at the TV.
“Captains?” She continued.
More silence.
“Yo, dawgz, quit ignorin’ mah sister and listen to us or we turn you into something na…” Palom said, cut off by the faint click , like that of a submachine gun being racked. It was, in fact, just an assault rifle.
“Quit talking like a rapper, Kupo, or I turn you into either Swiss cheese or salami. Kupo,” Rambo said.
“…fair enougPIGGY!” cried Palom, at Rambo. Nothing happened. Except the grenade launcher being loaded.
“Oh asshats…” Palom said, and left the building at a sprint. Rambo fired the grenade all the same.
“Does that happen often?” Dragon asked Porom.
“My brother being a moron? Oh yes,” she said.
“No, I mean your brother getting hunted down by a crazed non-human creature with a death wish,” Dragon explained.
“That Moogle has a death wish?” she said, surprised.
“Yes. He wishes everything else was dead” Shallot clarified.
Rambo came back in, dragging a ko’ed black mage trainee.
“Anyway, what do you want?” Asked Shallot.
“Well, in the morning, your team, me, and my brother are to head to Mount Ordeals to see if you can climb it,” she said.
“Not much of a challenge. Work of geniuses first time is the work of tinsmiths afterwards,” Shallot said.
“Um… what?” Porom asked.
“I’m saying, a difficult task gets easier to repeat once someone’s done it,” Shallot said.

Bella walked over to the Blue Mage.
“Damn, you’re in Metal Gear Ray. Come back later…”

Eventually, the pub closed, and the team headed for the Inn.
Where it emerged they were already Inn it. Err, in, even.

Next morning, the crew awoke.
“Rise and Shine you lazy imperialist dogs!” Porom said.
“Sink and rust, puny people of ‘next’…” Shallot muttered.

They set off for Mount Ordeals. They walked the long trek until nightfall halfway there. The regiment set up camp for the night… A cabin set up by the two Mysidians who not only had a higher budget but also had bribed Rambo and Barry extensively.

An airship swooped in low, aiming its canons at the tents amassed around a cabin. Bowfire and cannon erupted from the ship, and the tents were blasted into the sky. In the blazing wreckage, a white flag was waved. A man stood.
“Umm… are you a part of the Crimson Wings?” a man on the Airship yelled.
“Crimson what?! No, I run a campsite!” the man cried back.
“You mean ran?”
“Yes!”
“Have you seen them Crimson Wings by any chance?” the airship asked.
“Bunch of idiots with swords and guns and two Mysidians following them? Yeah, up at the little forest to the north.”
“Thank you.”
“No Problem… no damn problem at all…” the man said.

The airship zoomed in…
Palom, unable to sleep, decided he would go and muck about with fire magic outside. He planned only to use fire 1, as it was easier to control. Unless you did something like sneezing or coughing or something…
He sneezed, and the fireball hurtled into the sky, stopping when it hit something in a bright flash, that, the rumble of the impact followed a few seconds later. The flames and smoke spread out over the sky as the ship fell in flames. Palom stared , not horrified, but certainly sure that no good would come of it if his telltale sister knew he had just brought another airship down.
“Palom… did you sneeze and shoot down another airship?” Porom asked from inside the pre-fabricated camping cabin.
“Umm… no, it was… thunder. “ he tried, as a bit of white-hot propeller landed in the nearby trees, followed by a short rain of charcoal.
“Oh right… charcoal again?” she asked, noting the rain.
“Yep. Stupid weather,” Palom said, thanking the freak weather of the area not for the first time…

Morning broke.
“DAMMIT! Good thing the warranty’s still on it…”
Dragon stared at the twisted metal and small lumps of charcoal around the campsite.
“Well, then, shall we be off? We’ll make Mount Ordeals by Sunset,” Shallot said.
“We’d have got there by now, Kupo, if you had just let me try out my idea,” Rambo said.
“Hailing passing airships with psychic messages and threatening to shoot them down if they didn’t give us a ride is hardly what I’d call a good exercise in field survival and trekking,” Dragon said.
“But it would have been a good exercise in breaking international law. Like using Magic to bring down Airships,” Ivor said. Palom stared in shock.
“What’s the penalty for breaking International law?” Palom asked.
“Well, in Baron, such an act of callous murder gets you life imprisonment…” Shallot said.
“Oh, is that all?” he said.
“In a cave full of monsters who either kill you slowly and painfully or eat you and digest over a period of months,” Shallot continued. Palom froze.
“No, sir, Internationally, you get a slap on the wrists and maybe you’re told not to do it again,” Ivor said.
Palom relaxed.
“Why d’you ask, anyway, lad? Its not like you’ve shot down any Airships.”
“This month,” Porom said. “Luckily they weren’t ours so Air Traffic Control listed them as invaders.”
The party set off once more, stopping only to wonder why a bird had built its nest with a large shard of metal through it.

*There’s not actually any further '*' notes in the story but I felt for old times sake I'd bung one in here.

This post has been edited by Del S on 25th April 2005 20:24

--------------------

"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

Since no one else is going to say anything (shame on you! XP), I'll say something!

I'm really liking it so far. The continual half-baked schemes and plots and botched assassination attempts (thanks in no small part to good ol' deus ex machina ) keep me coming back to see what crazy, kooky things are going to happen next... and occasionally, I'm thrown a wonderful surprise or play on words:

Quote

Where it emerged they were already Inn it. Err, in, even.

kekeke XD

Makes it better knowing you've got at least one diehard fan, eh?

--------------------

~Status Report~

* Completed... Dragon's Head
* Completed... Soldiers of the Empire: Disciples (release pending)
* In Progress/Undecided... Of Love and Betrayal
* Planning/Assembly... Where it all Began

Certainly does, Zeph! Hope I haven't rushed this next chapter too much...
But I'm sure everyone else is just too stunned to reply...


Chapter 5: Mount Aptly Named in this Case
The sun was now setting in the sky, and Mount Ordeals was less than a mile away. The team had stopped for dinner.
“Should all that smoke be rising?” asked Bella.
“Campfires, I suspect,” said Porom.
Meanwhile, Palom was talking to Rambo.
“What does ‘Kupo’ mean anyway?” he said.
“Lots of things, Kupo.”
“Lots of things like?”
“The whole English Language, Kupo.”
“You mean Baronian?”
“No, English. ‘Kupo’ does not mean the Baronian word ‘routle’ which is a type of puff pastry, Kupo.”
“So, what does Kupo, kupo kupo kupo mean?” Barry ventured.
“Same to you, Kupo!”
Eventually, Dragon stood, and addressed the group.
“Shall we set off, then?” he asked.
“Set off what?” Palom said.
“For Mount Ordeals, of course,” Dragon said.
“Then can you remind me if it’s the green wire or the blue one?” he asked
“The one marked ‘power’.”

Eventually, the team arrived at the base of the mountain. To their surprise, it was desolate.
“Where is everyone? I thought this place had became a tourist attraction,” Barry asked.
A man walked out of the shadows, wearing a suit and tie, with a neat haircut, pair of glasses, and British-made shoes.
“Halt! You there, who are you?” cried Ivor
“I am Harold Kingsmith, Her Majesties Ministry of Originality. This holy-site-converted-to-tourist-attraction was a clear violation of Section (iii) Article (i) Paragraph (ii) of the parody writers code of conduct,” said the man in a snooty southern English accent.
“… wearing your pants on your head drinking coffee and writing in Italian is not to be done by anyone from Senegal writing a comedy?” Shallot said.
“No, Ripping off a poor story/games idea. This idea was done in FF X-2, so the people here were… removed by the introduction of better plot,” the mans accent having shifted north to the midlands.
“And what was that?” asked Dragon, as the others realised that meant they were all dead.
“We had three choices. Evil Villain, Virus that makes you into a zombie, or… Twins.”
“Ah, so Palom and Porom it was then!”
“No, we mean identical twins, like. But we took the first two,” said the man, this time in Newcastle, as the shadows shifted once more. Palom looked with his lit torch.
“Nothing there,” he announced.
Everyone else looked with flashlights. The zombies waved. Palom looked up at the shambling creature beside him.
“AAARGH! T-VIRUS CRAZED DEMON!” he cried, pulling out a Shotgun and blasting the mans head off.
“Umm… naw, he wis just a democrat presidential candidate,” said Kingsmith, this time at the borders.
“Look, would you stop heading your accent north up the United Kingdom?!” Bella yelled.
“mes mots peuvent-ils se déplacer à travers France ?” asked Kingsmith in website-translated French.
“Geen u dwaas. Ik spreek slechts het Nederlands en het Duits!” Replied Ivor, in similar Dutch.
“Möglicherweise Japaner? “ asked Kingsmith.
“Why did you say “Possibly Japanese?” in German, Kupo?” Rambo enquired.
“Who cares? Just get on with the story and stop mucking about with babelfish!” said Cordelia. Kingsmith walked away, got into an expensive car, and drove 20 yards to a helicopter. Then he flew away, the refuelling plane following.
Aboard, he decided that the army were spending too much on useless things like… food for soldiers and so advised that the budget be redirected from military to his collection of antique plates. And would have gotten it through except for Rambos stinger missile.
“GOAL!!!” cried all as the helicopter plummeted. The lead zombie tapped Dragon on the shoulder.
“Excuse me, but can we get on with this fight please?”
“Oh, sorry. “ Dragon cut his head off.
“Thank you,” said the zombie.
The battle raged all around, zombies rising back up from every blow, except when Rambo used the shotgun, and a stalemate was reached, until…
“Y’know, instead of hitting their armour and swords, why don’t we cut their arms and legs off?” Bella suggested.
“Okay…” Porom said, and promptly blew an unfortunate zombies kneecaps off with her Mc 11 that she got in a happy meal. The Mc 11 was like a Mac 11, but had the McDonalds logo beside the safety, and “I’m lovin’ it” written on the silencer. Palom tried to find his BK-47. Meanwhile, Rambo had a Sub(way) Machine Gun and used this upon the arms of some zombies.
Ivor swiped his sword, cutting off arms and legs everywhere. One of them his own, below the elbow.
“Ha! “ said the last Zombie. “You cut your own arm off, and you didn’t even hit me once…” he said, as he fell apart into little cubes.
“Ouch…” said Ivor.
“Doesn’t that hurt?” asked Porom. Palom, Dragon, and Boom had fainted.
“Umm… no. Not really. This arm‘s fake.”
“Why did Dragon faint then?”
“Its expensive to replace.”

The team climbed up the mountain, fighting more zombies and ghouls. Ivor had glued his hand back on, but Dragon was still gibbering and holding his wallet tightly.

Halfway to the summit, they encountered some men with M4s shooting at seemingly endless waves of Arabic men with AK-47s.
“Excuse me...” Dragon asked a sergeant “What is this?”
“Oh, it’s simple. The huge wave of movies, FPS and 3rd-person shooter videogames set in Afghanistan have clogged up all the suitable mountains that would act as a proxy for Afghanistan’s stereotypical terrain of mountains with crazy men with machine guns meaning we had to come here to film since everywhere else was in use, and this place was cheap,” said the Sergeant.
“I see…” said Dragon, and the walked through the battle.
A Stray shot took Ivors hand off again.
“AAAAAAGH!” screamed Dragon.

Eventually, they got to the summit. And there…
“I am Milon of Earth!” said a voice. It was, Milon of Earth.
“Oh piss off!” said Bella, and threw him off the mountain.
“That’s never happened befoooore…” said the FF4 boss.
“He’ll be back up in a second…” said Palom.
“We had better get ready,” said Porom.
There was a massive explosion from the base of the mountain, where Milon had been thrown, accompanied by an echoed noise like “M-M-M-Monster Kill!”
“I’m sorry, Kupo? I wasn’t listening,” Said Rambo, putting his Redeemer away.
They walked over to the small cavey bit. And the team entered, and were shocked.
“You!” cried Dragon, in a manner exclaiming shock.
“Yes, Me…” said the familiar enemy…

Who is the mysterious enemy? What else is in the cave? Did Milon respawn? Why didn’t they look in any treasure chests on the way up the mountain? Were the zombies only 50% dead until Bella got them? Did anyone use babelfish to try and translate those non-English phrases and sentences? Why, after 5 chapters, do I decide to start doing this “asking questions to try and set up a cliff-hanger” cliché now?

This post has been edited by Del S on 25th April 2005 20:25

--------------------

"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

Because we wanna know if Bella made them 97% dead, damnit! O.O

--------------------

~Status Report~

* Completed... Dragon's Head
* Completed... Soldiers of the Empire: Disciples (release pending)
* In Progress/Undecided... Of Love and Betrayal
* Planning/Assembly... Where it all Began

Chapter Six: Wake me up when it’s over…
“Yes, I, Delbez, have returned!” Said Delbez. Obviously.
“From the dead?!” asked Shallot.
“Umm, no, Yorkshire, actually, I was on me hols in Whitby,” Delbez admitted.
“Oh…” Shallot said.
“Well I suppose you’ll all be here to stop me, eh?” said D-Bez.
“Actually, no, we just climbed the mountain. We had no idea that anyone’s secret lair was here…” Dragon admitted.
“Despite the fact Delta Force and some terrorists were having a fight downstairs?” Delbez asked.
“Well, that lairs not secret anymore, is it?” Bella said.
“Oh, yeah…”
“So, do you WANT us to stop you?” Ivor asked.
“Preferably not, but I suppose that I have to try to kill you since you know I’m here as you heroes are not the kind to be bribed into silence…”
“Actually, we are, but we…” Boom tried, but Delbez ignored him.
“…So I may as well tell you the plan.”
“You know what, Kupo, we could just forget about it all, kupo, what do you say? No long speech, no bribery, no fight, we just bog off and forget we saw you, is that okay, Kupo?” said Rambo, but he too was ignored. This rarely happens as no one ever ignores a cute fury animal with an assault rifle, as it confirms your fears it WAS up to something after all, grinning all the time like it did…
Luckily, Kingsmith provided an intermission, burnt and bleeding, crawling into the cavern.
“See? It HAS gotten easier! Even a near-dead British civil servant can get up the mountain!” Shallot smugly told Porom.
“H-halt… your clichéd act of… evil plan revelation violates section (iv)… “ Kingsmith stuttered. All in the room took aim…
And the Crossbows and Guns did not stutter.This was because guns can't actually talk, and neither can crossbows.

Meanwhile, Cecil’s next plan was in action, having been set in motion two days before…
Two Days Before: Baron Castle
Having discovered the Elders error last night, Cecil had summoned his elites to the castle the day the Crimson Wings set out. And since Baron was 3 hours behind, it meant that the Crimson Wings were awakening as the King addressed his men , women, and “others” at 3 AM. Rosa was not complaining about this as it meant she only had to share a literally king-sized double bed with herself and the cat. Cecil was as it meant he had to share a sofa with himself and probably a dog if he wanted to be able to walk for the next week.
“Omega Team! You know your skills are not called upon often… unless a bulb has blown… but this day, they are being called upon by myself personally. You hunt, in my name, traitors!” This statement did not have the angered response he was expecting, to the extent Cecil worried he might have said 'potatoes' like when he read the speech out to Rosa, who had still been laughing (along with the cat) when he had left for the briefing room.
“The Crimson Wings are headed for Mount Ordeals , in an attempt to gain power to overthrown me…” still no shock. He played his ace.
“And then introduce severe military spending cuts!”
The Omega Team screamed in horror.
But one asked a question:
“Permission to speak , sir?”
“Very well. “ said Cecil.
“I personally do not place Johnny Shallot , Plotline-Thrumud, and their lads and ladies high up on a list of people likely to want to overthrow you, sir.”
“Who WOULD you place on such a list?!” Cecil asked.
“Well, Queen Rosa, and your cat,” another soldier said.
“No… not Fluffy! Don’t be daft Captain! Look, the Crimson Wings are naughty bad-people, so deserve a swift killing,” Cecil said.
“What’s the mission then sir?” asked another Soldier.
“First, an Airship of the red Wings will deploy a platoon 20 miles east of Mysidia. 2 squads will set up ambush at Mysidia, the remaining 4 will head to Mount Ordeals to attempt to catch the enemy. The airship will attempt to hunt the opposition down, and kill them, but it won’t be around for long.
“And what of the Mysidians with them?”
“Kill them. It’s their Birthday soon and I haven’t got them anything.”
“Sir, last time you tired to dodge getting a present for someone, all the summons wreaked havoc until you bought Rydia season 2 of 24 on DVD,” A trooper worried.
“Well, these two don’t have friends in low places,” Cecil assured them.
“Shall we depart, sir?” asked a Sergeant.
“Yes. Try not to make friends with anyone you meet: these ruthless loonies will kill them like a shot!” Cecil warned.
“Won’t they kill us like a shot too then?”
“Oh, definitely. Shoot to kill,” Cecil advised.

Back in the present night.
“My plan is simple: My agents have established a set of transportation companies, under the heading of the Zero-Travel company. Mainly working in Chocobo-Drawn carriages at the moment, the Zero-Bus section, we will soon expand to Airships and Sea travel. Once the world is reliant upon us to travel, we force them to travel Zero-Bus, Boat, or Airship: OR THEY WALK!” Delbez cackled manically.
“I’m sorry to point this out, but after the world relies on you, you more or less rule it if you stop any competition. And the plans not THAT evil,” Dragon said.
“Its not evil?” Delbez said.
“Nope.”
“What about I force OAPs to pay full fare?”
“Not really all that evil,” Boom said.
“So, any ideas?” Delbez asked.
“Drown puppies aboard?” Ivor said.
“Sacrifice a trainee black mage to ensure the venture works?” Porom tried.
“Or trap a trainee white mages soul in an object then kill her and leave her in torment for all eternity in order to power the buses? “ Palom retorted.
“Can you do those last two?”
“No, actually, any idea from them two is useless : those two aren’t much good for anything but Doorstops according to King Cecil,” Cordelia said.
“You know what, screw it, I’ll just do the age-old attack random cities thing,” Delbez concluded.
“Oh good!” Shallot said.
“And now I’ll have to kill you. Or rather, my minions will,” Delbez said, as men in Zero-Bus company uniforms walked forth, baseball bats and shotguns ready.
“Is it just me, or have we been here a while since this chapter began?” Dragon said.
“Yes. So long, the Buses will have stopped!” Ivor proclaimed.
“Nice try! Zero-Bus runs 24/7/360 ½. “ a Bus Conductor said.
“Mechanics! Forward!” said the same Conductor, as men in Overalls with Spanners and Welding Gear ran forth…
“Some ending to a chapter this. Nothing funny has happened near it!” Said Palom. He sneezed again, and a fireball set off the gas tank of a Mechanics welder. The man ran in circles, screaming, and setting his comrades alight until the burning workers were put down by thrown wrenches.
“Will that do?” asked his sister.
“…Suppose.”



This post has been edited by Del S on 22nd April 2005 22:48

--------------------

"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

Del_S: You are effin insane. Did you know that. The funny is just flowing.

--------------------

If you've been mod-o-fied,
It's an illusion, and you're in-between.
Don't you be tarot-fied,
It's just alot of nothing, so what can it mean?
~Frank Zappa

Sins exist only for people who are on the Way or approaching the Way

He's crazy, all right... crazy good! I loved the "nothing funny near the end of the chapter" thing. XD

--------------------

~Status Report~

* Completed... Dragon's Head
* Completed... Soldiers of the Empire: Disciples (release pending)
* In Progress/Undecided... Of Love and Betrayal
* Planning/Assembly... Where it all Began

Chapter Seven: On the Buses
The mechanics surged forth, waving their weapons. Boom threw daggers at a mechanic, then decapitated another with his twin swords. Bella drew her sword, and swung out at her attackers. Cordelia loosed off a hail of arrows, Dragon and Shallot charged with their swords out, Ivor stabbed with his halberd, Rambo blazed away, and the three mages attacked with magic.
A conductor sprang forth, his ticket machine releasing a coil of paper that entangled Boom and Cordelia in it, immobilising them. Mechanics attacked them in their trapped state, until Rambo shot them with a tazer.
“I asked for a return ticket to Paisley, Kupo, not a single to Drumchaple…” Rambo said, aiming his stun gun at the conductor.
The enemy lived up to his name.

An enemy squared up to Dragon.
“If your name is Dragon, why don’t you breathe fire?” asked the cheeky enemy. Palom set him ablaze.
“Because when your allies are Pyromaniacs, its best to let them do the burning of things,” he told the blazing man.

Ivor had five enemies at Halberd length.
“Put the long pole down and use the sword like a man!” one cried. Ivor moved half an inch, swung the long blade slightly, and the mans head fell off.
“Okay, maybe we’ll just all come to you…” said another. Ivor swung slightly a few times: the men all fell down in kit form.
“And if I’d used the sword, I’d have done it slower you know…” Ivor said.

Bella stared into an enemies eyes. A question seemed visible in them. She swung the sword repeatedly, then told the dead man:
“124% dead.”

Barry fired off balls of flame at the enemy, and break-danced forward. His spins kicked attacking enemies, and his movements often disarmed soon-to-be on fire enemies. Palom did a similar fireball routine, and Porom just filed her nails.
“Uh… sis, what are you doing?” Palom asked.
“Well, I’m no good at fighting, am I?” A mechanic swung at her: she grabbed his arm, snapped it, rammed his wrench into his ear, and then resumed filing her nails.
“Uh… no, no, not at all…” Palom continued to spray his magic death at the foes as a mechanic got a nail file in the skull.

Rambo had cut Boom and Cordelia loose, and the three had cornered a few conductors. The henchmen tried in vain to use their paper-trap, but their ticket machines had jammed.
“Show mercy…” asked one.
“Before we kill you, can I get an all day ticket?” Boom asked.

Eventually, all the enemies lay dead. The regiment, and Two Mysidians, stared at their handiwork. Suddenly, a spirit walked forth from the wall.
“…I hope you lot plan to clean this up!” said the spirit.
“We will…” Barry said, and washed the blood and bodies out the door with a water spell. They surged down the mountain…

A Squad of Omega Team marched towards the summit, and halted when the heard the noise.
“What's that?” asked one.
“It sounds like a torrent of water and bits of dead bad guys washing down the mountain!” said another. The tide went past. It was indeed what it had sounded like, but en-route had collected swords, grenades, and other things likely to kill if hit by the water. Omega Team watched it go.
“Well, that’s going to cause anyone it hits problems. Lucky this place is so deserted…”
Milon had managed to put his bits back together after the fall, and was now running up the mountain. He turned a corner, and was hit by the tidal wave, the swords slicing him apart. Then, upon hitting the ground at the base, the grenades went off. Milon was then spread over a wide area.

The regiment walked out to the summit, and encountered more Mechanics and Conductors. However, a Bus screamed from nowhere, running over a Mechanic.
“Bet he feels ‘Tyred’!” Palom said. Then stopped laughing as the Bus door opened, to reveal Bus Mages.
“What the HELL are they?!” asked Ivor.
“We’re Bus Mages. Can’t you read?!” said one.
“And what can you do?”
“We’re masters of Time and Bus. We can slow down time so three arrive at once. We also have powerful magic,” one said.
“Pha, I could beat you anyday!” Palom cried. A Bus Mage waved at him, and a Bus Tyre started bouncing off his head, chasing him around.
“Who’s tyred now?” said one Bus Mage smugly. Then Porom ran him over on a Dirtbike.
“You, I think,” she said, running yet more over until one froze her in time.
“Puny little mages,” said Bus Mage. Then he got a crossbow to the brain.
“Now, why did you have to do that?!” said another, as Rambo fired his guns at the mage. The mage put his hands up, and stopped the bullets in mid air.
“And that, well, surely you knew we would stop the bullets, ‘Kupo’?” said the mage, smugly.
“Yep, but I knew you’d forget about the grenades fuse Kupo.”
“What grenade fu… “ he saw the grenade Barry had rolled in under his feet.
“Oh SH-!” The blast acted as censorship.
A female bus mage then walked up.
“Going to attack me? You can’t hit girls.”
“No. we can’t, Kupo,” Rambo admitted, as bits of Bus Mage landed all around.
“But Bella and Cordelia can!” Barry cried.
The two female Baronians set upon the Bus Mage with their swords…

A Bus Mage decided to try his luck with a random spell. He decided to make Dragon live up to his name with his magic designed to change broken bus parts to fixed ones but able to change anything to anything (as well as summon spare parts like the wheel still chasing Palom) When there was a ten foot dragon hovering in front of him, he realised his mistake.
“I’ve not thought this one through, have I?” he said to the dragons nose whilst urinating himself.
“Nope,” Dragon said, immolating the Bus Mage. He then turned himself back to normal with a remedy.
“Why did you do that, Kupo, you could have killed them all?!”
“I couldn’t remain like that, Rambo! If they breathe fire, think about what else burns! Besides, my hats won’t fit.”
“Oh… right… see what you mean Kupo…”

The remaining Bus Mages grew angry, and hurled fireballs at the Regiment, driving them back.
“Since you seem to be unfazed by our weakest magic, what about our BEST!?” cried one mage, summoning Meteo.
“Ah… hell,” said Ivor.
Suddenly, the Meteor exploded in mid-air. The mages stared in Disbelief. A Red Wing Airship floated nearby. Cid was at its helm.
“Cid!?” Dragon hollered up.
“Hi Dragon.” said the Engineer.
“What the hell are you doing here!?”
“Long story,” the Engineer said, as the cannons blasted the Bus Mages away. The Airship picked the Crimson Wings, and the two Mysidian Mages up.

Aboard, the Engineer explained the story. Meanwhile, a White Mage helped the twins out of their slight predicament. The Tyre fled a Shotgun wielding mage, whose shots finally blew it over the edge.
“Well, guys, its like this: Cecil send the Omega team to kill you cos he heard you were traitors in some major error. Then, the team saw you fighting the Mechanics, and called us back. Its clear you were acting to save Baron from their plot.”
“And Mysidia!” Said Palom.
“Right…yeah… and Mysidia,” said all Baronians.
“Anyway, Queen Rosa herself is heading here with a small army to try and help the Mysidians. The Zero-Bus army is headed straight for Mysidia.”
“Why isn’t King Cecil coming?” Bella asked.
“Rosa sent him out to buy a new TV, then he’s got to paint the bathroom,” Cids’ second-in-command said.

The rows of Buses and Black hackney cabs were visible in the distance, heading straight towards Mysidia. The Airship hovered past the army, and zoomed to the city walls, then landed in the town square, where the Crimson Wings, Omega Team, and Mysidian Army, took up defence.
The Elder stared at the assembled forces removing the walls.
“No, morons, take up a DEFENSIVE POSITION! Put the bloody walls back!”
“Oh, right, sorry sir…” a Black Mage sheepishly said, hammering a block of masonry back into place.
“I don’t know, how hard can it be for them to take a cold hard order?” the white mage whimpered. The Elder turned to the black mage.
“Ice see she’s still got the cold shoulder,” He said. More whimpers.
“She’ll be cool. She’ll still sing at Bob’s party. She’s singing freeze a jolly good fellow,” This one got an angry reply.
“You’re both complete and utter bastards!” she screamed, and marched away.
“Well, she’s definitely not got any super-powers of mass destruction then sir. What do we do now?” The Black Mage said. The whole exercise had been an effort to unlock any of the aforementioned powers in people by getting them angry. So far, not one Mysidian had shown any of these, and thus, the town was in trouble unless the Baronians got there sharpish.
Palom, Porom, and Rambo announced their presence. The elder turned to see all three in Urban DPM gear, with full armour and weaponry.
“Can we qualify for that role, your grace?” asked Porom.
“And if not, can we shoot the bastards anyway, Kupo?” Rambo asked.
A shot rang out. A seagull fell. Before anyone could yell at Palom, his codec went off…
“Raiden, how could you shoot an innocent animal!?”
“Excuse me, Miss, but you not only have the wrong number, but it was just a bleedin’ seagull,” he said.
“Well, he’s got a point…” The Elder said, grabbing a pistol and blasting at the sky-vermin.

This post has been edited by Del S on 25th April 2005 20:27

--------------------

"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

Chapter Eight: Like Lord of the Rings on a smaller budget and with Buses.
Something was bothering Palom. The Airship he had brought down had no nationality. Logically, it would have been the one deploying the Omega Team, but clearly, this was actually Cids’ airship. Meaning that he may have shot down a third party…

Something also bothered the Elder. The enemy forces had amassed near the town, but were out of Magic range. They were obviously waiting for something: But what?

Something also bothered Dragon. Someone had eaten all the salt and vinegar Pringles.

Something also bothered Cecil, namely, the paint that had fallen onto the floor.

Probably, other people in the area were bothered by something but frankly, no one cares. For instance, one woman had a spider in the bathtub.

The Elders question was answered at that moment. A fleet of cruise liners neared the coast, firing off coasters and beer glasses towards the town. Upon the first volleys of deckchairs, the army of taxis and buses moved forth to take Mysidia to a final destination…

A catapult shot landed near a taxi, in which, a Bus Mage laughed.
“See? They cannot hit us at all! Drive forth, driver!” The mage said smugly.
Milon then climbed out of the boot, into the back of the cab. The Bus Mage saw him.
“Oh no… not you!”
“What?” Milon said.
Upon the revelation of Milon’s presence, half the shots in the sky hurled into the taxi, bits of which flew out of the cloud of smoke and dust. When it cleared, Milon stood dazed, but alive.
“HA! You failed!” A missile hit the area. Once the fire and smoke was gone, a burnt Milon screamed defiance.
“HAHAHAHAHA!” Milon yelled, “You can’t even drop things on me properly anymore!”
And, as if to mock the element fiend, an Airship landed on him, as it dodged the hails of catapult and ballista fire. The Airship zoomed off, leaving behind a large crater. In it, Milon whimpered in agony.
“… I give up. Nothing could possibly be any more painful than this.”
A tanker full of petrol and salt crashed then, catching fire, and spraying the salt into Milon’s many wounds. As well as the fire.

The Army of transports neared the walls, undaunted by losses. Soon, Bus Mages, Conductors, Mechanics, and Taxi-Men spilled towards the walls on foot.

The infantry of Mysdia held the gates of the town, where many Bus-Mages were coming in. Fierce firefights of magic erupted, and one Mysidian mage, learning the art of sword and blade Magic, charged a fire-throwing knife. It hurtled toward a bus mage leader…
and was deflected, and stabbed the singed and salted Milon in the eye.
“Why Me?!”

A taxi charged towards the gates, and smashed them aside. The enemy army surged into the town square, and started cutting down Mysidian troops mercilessly…
Then the Bus mage commander spotted a slight problem: all the mages had ran away, and all that was left were mannequins with swords. He shoved a house, and the cardboard cutout fell over.
“EVERYBODY O-” He tried to yell, but the explosion of the fake town going skyward spoiled his proclamation…

In the real Mysidia, the actual army watched the decoys returning , and all laughed as the decoy town detonated…

Delbez, upon learning of this from a badly burnt commander, was furious.
“AAAAAARGH! CAN’T YOU IDIOTS EVEN ATTACK A SMALL TOWN PROPERLY?!” he screamed.
“Well, sir, maybe if we teleported into the town itself during an atta…” the mage was cut off by a glare from Delbez.
“Yes… Yes! We have people attack the outside walls, then do what those stupid uruk-hai never considered and attack from Inside!”
Mysidia now had the army of Delbez outside, and scaling the walls. The Mysidians drove them back with many weapons.
A Bus-Mage clambered up a ladder, and encountered only a White Mage at the top. Judging by all the blood lying around, this section of the wall had been a massacre… he aimed his magickin’ hand at her. The he made a mistake.
“Freeze! “ he told her.
“DIIIIIIE!” she screamed , producing two axes from nowhere, and charging at him. She swung the blades, and leapt off the wall into the massed ranks below, cutting a huge number down.
The mage stood briefly, and then he fell apart.

Behind the walls, as heads and bits of Bus-Mage landed all around, Palom and Porom loaded a catapult with a very dangerous weapon.
Rambo.
“To infinity, Kupo, and … yeah, infinity!” the Moogle said as he flew over the walls, weapons blazing at the army below. Using his small wings to glide around, he spotted a seagull…
“Time for a little revenge, Kupo!” he laughed manically, dropped a few grenades on the enemy, and something else on the bird…

Below, Delbez stood with the burnt mage near a command post. A seagull covered in Moogle-poo landed on the mage.
“Look at this glorious sight! We’re massacring them! The walls will be ours!” Delbez said
“Umm… sir, it, um… turns out… we’re the ones getting slaughtered…” he said, as the ranks ahead burst apart to reveal a white mage now covered in gore and what the two men hoped was mince…
“Are you in charge here?!” She yelled, hurling the axe at Delbez. The axe was halted in mid air.
“Dear oh dear… Don’t you realise that I have mastered nearly every movie, game and comic book trick there is? I can dodge bullets, halt them in mid air, do that cool thing the clerics did in equilibrium, shoot lasers out of my eyes, breathe fire, and tell a large Zulu army to stop throwing spears at me… hmm… spears…” Delbez then had an evil plan to weaken the Mysidian defence before his crack-team went in…
“What shall you be doing with the mage sir?” the sidekick-mage said
“Possibly, you’re getting demoted, Sidekick,” Delbez told him
“No, the white mage that you’re holding up with the Jedi mind-trick, and currently strangling with aforementioned telekinesis.,” Sidekick said.
“Oh, right, her…” Delbez then hurled her back at Mysidia…

Dragon looked up, and saw a screaming shape flying in. It looked like a burning white mage. It was, in fact, a white mage magically charged to explode and release virtually every spell in the books, including some in books that weren't even published on this world. The mage-missile slammed into the inn, and went off, fire, ice, and all the other spells destroying everything in the building, as well as some mages. In disbelief at the awesome destruction that had occurred, the Mysidian defenders let their guards down, and the enemy army swarmed over the walls. The square turned into a battlefield, as all the troops on the walls fell back to the Elders tower in a desperate retreat.

Atop it, the crack-team teleported in, as Delbez teleported the rest of his evil plan in, just behind the Mysidian army…

Shallot looked around. Only a few hundred Mysidians still remained, along with about half of Omega team, and his regiment was unharmed, bar Rambo still flying outside and shooting, and Boom, who had been in the Inn, and was now stuck in the wall, where Ivor and Dragon were trying to pull him out.
Suddenly, a noise that could put fear into anything erupted from a CD player: Britney Spears music…
“AAARGH!” cried a mage.
“What is this mind-destroying filth?!”
“My IQ is falling!” Palom cried.
“Wait, can you even get a Negative IQ?!” Porom realised. “Why don’t you use your MP3 player to drown OUT this crap then throw the CD player away!” she suggested.
“What? Can’t hear you, I switched my MP3 player on so I can go get rid of that CD player. Can it wait?” Palom asked.
“OK,” she said.
Palom then walked up to the CD Player, stuck a grenade in the disc tray, and threw it up the stairs…
The Crack Squad , the Bus-Mage Waltz, were about to strike, swords poised, near impenetrable armour on. They would massacre the enemy…
The CD player landed then, and exploded, blasting the staircase wide open, and revealing the three members of Delbeze’s sneak attack to a Moogle flying an Apache Gunship.
“Waltz, huh? Lets see you dance, Kupo!” And the small creature fired the hellfire rockets with glee…

This post has been edited by Del S on 25th April 2005 20:28

--------------------

"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

Heehee... Britney Spears... too bad about the poor white mage, though.

Yeah, I'm a softie... ( ._.)

--------------------

~Status Report~

* Completed... Dragon's Head
* Completed... Soldiers of the Empire: Disciples (release pending)
* In Progress/Undecided... Of Love and Betrayal
* Planning/Assembly... Where it all Began

Chapter Nine: Between Iraq and a Hard Place. Well, Between Iraq, the Red Sea, Yemen, Oman, and the UAE.
Porom stared at the dust of the destroyed stairwell. She looked at Palom.
“You, uh, realise your grenade has blown up the only way up the stairs?” she said.
“Yep…” he said, thinking that maybe he should think about where he threw things…
Then the Baronians arrived. And the Delbezian army decided to fall back to defend Mount Ordeals.

Cid greeted the army, and greeted Rosa
“Hello, Rosa!” he said.
“Hi Cid. I’ve had a messenger try round up the rest of the old gang, but I think only Rydia can come… ah, here’s the messenger now. Did you find Rydia?”
“R… Rydia, your majesty?” the messenger stuttered.
“Yes, the summoner! About my age now, ‘cos of that whole land of summons mess, was about the twins age year before last by our standards, has green hair.”
“Umm… Your Majesty, there was a slight mix up here. We didn’t manage to find Rydia…” the Messenger announced .
“What DID you get!?” Rosa asked, knowing that they certainly had found something that wasn’t Rydia and if it was not a very good reason for this mix up, a messenger was about to become ammunition for the catapults.
“Riyadh…” said the man, sheepishly, as a Saudi Arabian soldier walked over.
“Oh blimey… “ Rosa said.
“Yes, that’s what we said. But we’re here now, so we might as well help out,” said the Saudi. He then realised something.
“There wouldn’t happen to be any Oil at mount ordeals, would there?”
“Black sticky stuff in the ground? Burns?” Rosa said.
“That’s the stuff… so there IS some?” the Saudi asked.
“Yep. And there’s also this mystic spirit up the top that gives you the powers of a Paladin, if you want them. Rather destructive powers I suppose…” Cid said.
“A weapon of mass destruction, you say?” the Saudi said, smiling.
“Why do you ask? “ Dragon enquired.
The Saudi waited for a few minutes. When it was clear no American ships would show up, he sighed.
“Damn. That normally works, too. We even tried the Bush-signal… stupid democratic elections. Means the American army can’t come out to play…” the Saudi said, crestfallen. Then he cheered up.
“Oh well, lets go attack the Ordeal Plains!” he said.
“Err… its Mount Ordeals…” Porom said.
“Not when we’re done with it, it wont be. It’ll barely be a hill…” Rosa said.

And as the magic, missiles, bombs, and other explosives slammed into the rapidly shrinking mountain, Milon stood a few kilometres away from it laughing insanely.
“HAHAHA! You can’t even HIT me since the targets so far away!”
A Saudi M1 Tank parked on him, and started shooting at the Mountain…

Once the smoke of the demolition had cleared, all that remained was a summit now technically a hill. The Baronian army marched forth, and stopped at a large sign:
“Zero-Bus HQ! Moving to Mist!” said the sign. Rosa screamed. As did Porom.
“We destroyed a holy site for nothing!?” Porom yelled. A Saudi and a Baronian finished some calculator work.
“Actually, miss, at $200 a shell, with over 35,000 shells fired, and about 3000 missiles fired, 1200 cannon volleys, and around 300,000 MP of magic which, under the Baron Treaty, a mage must be paid $5 per Magic Point spent in battle, I think you’ll find we did not blow it up for nothing, but instead, $5.9 Billion,” the Saudi said.
“Am I glad I’m not paying for that!” she said.
“Actually, you are. The Elder just made you Chancellor of the Exchequer, and Mysidia is funding today’s operation,” The Baronian said.
Porom fainted.
“Oh, hang on, wait, its only $5.90. We got our sums very wrong,” the Saudi said
“THAT was $5.90 worth of ordinance!?” Dragon said, still stunned that a full hours firing only amounted to barely enough to buy a meal at McDonalds.
“Off eBay, certainly,” The Baronian said.

The Army went to Mist. It Bombed Mist.
Another sign: “Actually, Eblan’s nice this time of year, we’re off there. To that cave bit”
A Saudi commander decided to try and put the missing full stop in, and so, the army stayed there for a few minutes tryign to find some paint.

The army went to Eblan. It bombed the caves.
“GOTCHA! We’re in the Dark Elves cave actually,” said the sign.

Rosa then thought of a plan. She got a plan. She told Dragon to say it in case it went wrong.
“The Que…” A bowstring was drawn back…
“I have an idea! Why don’t we bomb the Chocobo Forest instead, as they’ll really be there!” he said.
So they did. And, whilst checking, finding dead bodies of Bus-Mages, Chocobos, and what appeared to be ruined Buses, the Army went home, and the Crimson Wings and rest of the party went to Toroia.
The Sign read “Zero-Bus HQ.”
Sadly, they part above those words saying “NOT THE” and the part below saying “This is another bus company’s base, ok!?” had been blasted to atoms…

Meanwhile, in the cave, Delbez was confused.
“I can’t understand it. They should have been here for a fight by now,” he said. So he sent a group of Mages to kidnap Rosa in an effort to see if he could get Cecil to fight him. Or at least galvanise Dragons mob into attacking.

The team awoke the next day, and found that despite being guarded by royal guards, Rosa had been kidnapped. For the sheer hell of it also, it appeared that Cid and the Twins were also gone. The Crimson wings, and a local militiawoman stood near the bodies of the royal guards…
“Oh my god!” Dragon said.
“Yes, Dragon, I’m as shocked as you…” Shallot said.
“What, at the Queen being kidnapped?” Bella said.
“No, that Delbez has competent staff. Look, this sword stuck in this Guard here’s not Baronian.” Shallot said.
“Blimey!” Said Dragon.
“Maybe he has a man on the inside?” Ivor said.
“Or a woman, Kupo,” Rambo said.
“You can get local swords fairly cheap around here, and this is indeed a local sword,” Dragon said.
“Well, duh…” said the militiawoman .
“I don’t mean a Toroian sword, I mean a “Local” sword, made by Local Armaments, who are actually based in what WAS the Dark Elves cave… hmm…” Shallot realised.
“Sir… I think I know where we should go,” Said Boom.
“Yes. Dark Elves old cave!” Dragon said.

Old Cave
The Crimson Wings walked in, and found the remains of Delbezes army. Clearly, quite a few had indeed been at the Chocobo forest. The Crimson Wings fought through the few bus-mages with ease, leaving Boom, Bella, and Cordelia to defend the exit.

Eventually, the Dark Elves former crystal chamber, now a furnace for the melting of iron to craft into swords, was entered by the Crimson Wings. Tied above the molten steel were the Queen, and the Twins.
“Hang around, your majesty, we’ll sort this one out!” Ivor said.
“Shut up, Poortraining!” Rosa screamed.
“Where’s Cid?” asked Shallot.
“Cid? I don’t know what you mean. Maybe he ran off when my agents took these three?” Delbez said.
“Uh… fellas…” Palom tried to say.
“Quiet, lad, we’re trying to talk to the evil villain,” Ivor said.
“So, where are all your agents now?” Dragon said.
“No, guys…” Porom said.
“Look, Kupo, we’ll get you down in a second, just be patient!” Rambo said.
“My agents? They’re, ah, out…” Delbez said.
“Hah! Fled like the rats they are, I suspect!” Ivor cried.
“CRIMSON WINGS! YOU MORONS HAVE WALTZED INTO AN AMBUSH!” Rosa screamed.
“…Bugger,” Said Dragon, as bolts of Magic from bus-Mages sprang forth from their hiding places.
“Why didn’t you two warn us?!” Dragon yelled at the twins, slashing at a Bus-Mage.
“We did!” they protested.
“No you didn’t, you kept interrupting us when we were… ah…” Ivor realised
“A little less conversation, a little more action please?” Shallot yelled.
Eventually, the Ambush was pruned. The three men and one Moogle aimed crossbows and rifles at Delbez.
“Alright , Delbez. Your guards are dead, and help‘s not coming anytime soon, Boom , Bella and Cordelia have the exit held. Give it up, and release the hostages!” Dragon commanded.
“No. I don’t think I will, actually,” Delbez said.
“Why not?” Shallot asked.
“Because I still have one Agent left. “ Delbez said, grinning.
“LOOK OUT YOU ASSHATS!” Rosa screamed again.
“Ah, I thought I heard the Twins-AAARGH!” Ivor said.
The crossbow bolt hit Ivor in the shoulder, and the sword swipe knocked Rambo into the wall as he tried to dodge. And the voice said:
“Put down the swords. Or you all die, ‘sirs‘.”

This post has been edited by Del S on 25th April 2005 20:31

--------------------

"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

Chapter Ten: That’s what happens when you don’t get many speaking parts…
Shallot and Dragon were held at Bowpoint, the Twins and Queen Rosa hanging about. Delbez was merely gloating.
“Boom! Why are you doing this?!” Shallot asked the private.
“Easy, sir. I’ve been in the regiment for five years, and not once was I considered for promotion! It was always ‘Boom, do this, Boom, do that’ never ‘Boom, nice work!’. Do you know how hard it is to stay sane for five years of that?!”
“Its impossible, man, clearly, you didn’t!” Rosa yelled at him. Boom shot her in the leg for her troubles.
“That’s treason now, lad,” Shallot whispered quietly.
“Before, we could have said it was combat stress. Could have got you off easy. But now, you’ve crossed the line, lad,” the captain continued.
“You think I care?! Didn’t Kain commit treason every time he turned on King Cecil?” Boom spat.
“He wasn’t king then…” Shallot said.
“But surely the king should have hunted Kain down, and killed him for his treachery? No, we Baronians can turn traitor so easily, and get away with it. Why, all I need to do, is kill you, then, me and my Boss get rid of the evidence hanging on the walls, then I say the Bus-Mages killed them all…”
“The trouble with stabbing someone in the back, private, is that when you’re stabbing, who watches your back?” said a voice.
“Why, Delbez is watching my back, stranger!”
Delbez clearly had other ideas.
“I ah, think I left the oven on… must dash. Boom, clear up, and you get double, eh? Good Captain…” the villain then fled.
The stranger walked forth in the shadows.
“Call yourself a traitor, lad? You didn’t even make sure you could escape. And you don’t even have much of a cause. I had a great one: I was schizophrenic, but we’re over it now,” said the stranger. Only one person would recognise his voice, and she had passed out from the ruddy great crossbow bolt in her leg.
“Who are you anyway?!” Boom cried.
“Not that it matters! You’re as much an amateur as these two idiots! I can see your armour glinting in the light!” He yelled, and fired the bow at the glint.
Which had leapt into the air before he had even fired.
“Oh…. God…” Boom said, staring at the Dragoon.
“’Kain’ will suffice…” said Kain, and threw the spear at the traitor.
“Argh! I hate that cliché retort!” Boom wailed, as he fell back, the spear sticking out of his chest.

Yes, he was dead by the time he hit the ground if you were wondering.

“Kain. “ Shallot said.
“Yep. That’s me…”
“Kain?!” Dragon yelled.
“Uh Huh…” Kain said.
“Kain?” Rosa said.
“For gods sake, has the vocabulary or the entire world faded to become only my name whilst I was away?! Ye gods, someone say something other that fruitcaking KAIN!!!” Kain screamed.
“Okay, Kupo. Razaiel. Or Seth. Or Abel,” Rambo said.
“And don’t be a smart-arse!” Kain said.
“Where the hell have you been?” Rosa asked.
“Well, it’s a long story, so I might have to do it in italics…” Kain said.

Woo! Flashback!
So there I was. Cecil had become king, and I was off to try surpassing my father as a Dragon Knight. And I did.
“Woohoo!” said Kain, atop Mount Ordeals.
But I hadn’t reckoned upon fates fickle and cruel nature…
“Hi Kain!”
“Milon?!”
When the dust had settled, I found myself … elsewhere.
“Whaaaaargh! Why the hell am I floating through a tunnel with E.T, Gary Coleman, and a tin of beans?!” Kain yelled.
“Just shut up and float through the tunnel!” Coleman said.
Eventually, I landed in a strange place… called London. The streets were empty…
“Hello?” Kain yelled, walking through the deserted streets.
A Man appeared. He was gaunt, pale, and had red eyes… and was blatantly crazy…
“AAAH! VIRUS’ED ZOMBIE DUDE!” And Kain attacked him. But a Policeman stopped him
“Yet another person who thinks he’s walked into 28 days later, are we sir? We get a lot of them around here sir, so don’t worry, its just a Cabinet Minster…”
“What kind of cabinet minister? “ Kain asked.
“Shady Cabinet of Tax,” responded the minister.
“Shady?” Kain said.
“Yes, I’m in charge of a clandestine anti-tax dodger team known as ROBYOU. My name is Clark John, or Robyou Six, to my employees,” said the minister.
“Riiight. And I suppose you murder people for the government?” Kain said.
“Only when we have to. Sometimes we just murder…” Clark John said.
And so, I got a job killing people who were avoiding legalised theft. Tough job, but someone had to do it…but then the group got disbanded, and I became a mercenary… so I went to Saudi Arabia, where I ran into that messenger. And then I got here.
“And saved the day and the regiment from death apart from Boom?” Said Rosa, as they went to the exit.
“Oh hell, what about Cordelia and Bella?!” Dragon realised.
The two were standing at the wrong exit.
“Wha?! How the hell could you go to the wrong exit in a one-exit cave?!” Shallot yelled.
“It’s a fake exit, Kupo,” Rambo said.
“Look, it just exits into the real exit room, Kupo.”
“And what about Delbez?” Rosa asked.
“Funny you should ask…” Delbez said.
“Now, this cave is about to explode, and I have people who have planted bombs under the castle in Baron. I suggest you stay right there! Or I blow up Baron Castle!” The evil one went out, laughing. Rambo tried to say something to Delbez.
“Umm. Kupo, the, uh, C4 you said you planted…”
“Quiet! Its in a room far far away, on a chair!”
“Trust me, it isn’t,” Porom said.
“Yes it is!” Delbez said angrily.
“Uh… no, actually, its…” Palom said, but Delbez cut him off.
“Look, do I have to prove it?! Watch!” and he pressed the button…
He exploded.
“I tried to tell you it was on your back, Kupo…” Rambo said, as Delbezes assorted bits ran off.
“I’ll get you lot yet, just you watch! And Baron Castle just reached orbit!” said what was probably the mouth, but its quite possible it was the arse.
“Oh hell… lets get back there quickly!” Shallot said.
Cid flew overhead in an Airship.
“And where the hell were you?!” Rosa demanded.
“Chasing seagulls in the Airship!” Cid said.
And they zoomed to the castle…

Baron
Smoke rose from the stone building, and the courtyard was stained red… windows were smashed, weapons lay all around, and the scene could have had only one cause…
“Oh no! The Castles been blown apart! I’ll never get the insurance payout if it was terrorism!” said Rosa.
“…And the King?”
“…probably dead, or will be if he hadn’t finished the bathroom before it got blown …up… hey, wait, there’s Bus-Mages locked up in the prisons!” Rosa said, seeing into one prison via the bars. The Airship landed. An engineer ran forth.
“What happened to the castle?!” Cid yelled.
“Umm… well, there were these Bus-Mages who came to try and blow it up…” the engineer said.
“Yes. We know about them…” Dragon said.
“They, uh, they failed, obviously, well, not obviously, but umm, well, Cecil didn’t fail.”
“In doing the bathroom?” Rosa said.
“No, in, uh, blowing the castle up. The was a bit of mould in the bath that wouldn’t budge so he used some Dynamite…”
“And set off their bombs stored safely elsewhere, right?” Cid said.
“Yep. Although, on the bright side, there’s no mould. No bath actually. He installed a shower instead after the TNT didn’t work,” The Engineer said.
“Wait, he installed a shower? How long ago did the explosion happen?” Bella asked.
“… day or so, why?” the engineer said.
“And you haven’t put the fire out, Kupo?” Rambo asked.
“Fire?! What fire?!” said the confused man, whose hat was smoking…
“Those fires,” said Shallot, pointing at the flames.
“OH, THOSE! Yes, we put the fire out, its just Ifrit’s here.”
“Okay. So the world is safe, the country is safe, the castle is safe, the queen is safe, and the bad guy is conveniently missing?” Dragon said.
“And the bathrooms finished, don’t forget the important things!” Rosa yelled.
“… yes, and the WC isn’t a building site anymore. Hang on, why’s the courtyard red?” Cid asked.
“A shipment of Tomato Ketchup was above the armoury, sir. “ said the Engineer.
“So, Basically, there’s nothing to do, except maybe skive?” said Dragon.
“Well, no, sir, nothing at all. I guess it’s all over,” said the engineer.
“Not until the scourge of the beer in the local pub has been vanquished!” yelled Dragon, to the cheers of all the army, who promptly invaded the boozer. A fierce counter-attack at closing time threatened to drive them out however, so licensing laws had to be changed hastily…

Epilogue
Delbez is still missing.

Dragon was promoted to full captain, and the Crimson Wings were made a full regiment of the army.

Boom actually survived, But Milon tried to help him, and at that exact moment, the smelters full of molten steel blew up…

Palom and Porom went back to Mysidia, where they resumed their studies.

The King and Queen are quite happy with the bathroom.

Mysidia made billions from the oil revenues at Mount Ordeals, and the Elder bought Silveria as ‘somewhere to go at the weekend’. Of course, this will conveniently be forgotten in the follow-up.

Baron continued to invade small countries using the massive taxes collected by new taxmaster, Kain Highwind. It blamed, in succession, Damcyan for attacking first.

The shallow grave industry in Baron took a sharp increase in profits.

The Tomatoes families were given compensation by the government 20 years later for the loss of their loved ones. The wounded deliveryman, who was not mentioned but had lost his legs, was told to walk on his own two feet rather than live off the state the rest of his days, cheeky little git, waltzing in here asking for compensation…

Rosa’s still happy with the bathroom, but the living rooms looking a bit drab…

Cid developed numerous new airships, including one he called Voyager. After a captain Janeway was all that was available for the test flight, the whole project was scrapped.

I’ve ran out of things to say nearly.

Look, I have, alright?

…

…

Its Over!

Edit

Correction: NOW I have!

This post has been edited by Del S on 25th April 2005 20:34

--------------------

"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

Heheh... lovely.

I smiled all the way through, and I can't say anything else 'cept:

Oh, and you did this at one point:

Quote

Elbez was merely gloating.

Just thought I'd point it out.

--------------------

~Status Report~

* Completed... Dragon's Head
* Completed... Soldiers of the Empire: Disciples (release pending)
* In Progress/Undecided... Of Love and Betrayal
* Planning/Assembly... Where it all Began

Nice! All the way through the story i was either laughing or trying to suppress laughter. That was an amazing story!

Well, after two odd months of looking thorught it occasionally to hunt out typos, trying to think of stuff to bolt onto it, and generally forgetting it existed whilst mucking about with langauges that don't exist and taking the mickey out of Tom Clancy novels with the follow-up that i'm starting to type, I think I can safely say, after this post and the last little sweep for typos, this is as finished as it will be.

--------------------

"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

Thanks for the head's up Del, I'll start reading it soon. :-)

--------------------

I had an old signature. Now I've changed it.

Great story! The only complaint I have to make is that my mom will have to pay a lot of money to get my sides stitched back together... Anyway, very cool.

--------------------

"No matter what happens, I will always be with you... forever." ---- Pocahontas, Pocahontas

"Only those who are already at the top are rewarded without trying."----- Delita Hyral, Final Fantasy Tactics

http://www.ffshrine.org/fft/fft-midi/1-42-back_fire01.mid ---- My favorite FFT battle song

Good work, Del. It was a breath of fresh air considering all of the serious FanFics I've been reading. At first I was skeptical, and then I realized who the author of the FanFic was and I felt confident that he could pull it off. And pull it off he did, lassy. Good job.

--------------------

You know. I think you're a very special unit.

I didn't read the whole thing, but I read the first part and most of the second part. Here are my corrections/comments (you need to pay more attention to punctuation). I do think it's a neat piece of work, and it's nice to see parody and humour, but there are a lot of technical errors:

From Chapter One:

FF4: The Story they Wanted to Forget…
“On the frontlines, there is but one commandment: Thou shalt kill.”
“…”
“Crap, wrong game.”
Chapter One: The Order of the Pizza*

- So... which part is the title? As the subject, you have "FF4: The Story They'd Rather Forget", then you have this version of it "they wanted to forget".

Barley a cloud was visible, and the land was at peace…

- Barely

Cecil had the idea of a PM as he had heard they caught flak, and more importantly, arrows, for the king.

- I think you want to insert the word "liked" in there somewhere. "Cecil liked the idea of a PM ..." etc

The idea had once belonged to small nation known as Hisinia, a name that often had most non-Baronians throwing up at the mere mention of it.

- to a small nation

“Er, well, sire, it appears that Barrys at it again,” James said

- Barry's

“Barry Blotter,” The PM repeated.

- the PM

“Oh, I see sire. I really believe you should listen to Queen Rosa on this case and transfer them.” the PM advised.

- ...and transfer them," the PM advised.

“I though you were a keeper of secrets?!”

- I thought

“Well, yes, but a road maps hardly a secret…”

- but a road map's hardly

as Shallots team took the

- as Shallot's team

attractions.” said the King “How do you plead?”

- attractions," said the King. "How do you plead?"

“Yes it was.” said Rosa.

- "Yes it was," said Rosa.

“You wouldn’t! you’re in them too!”

- "You wouldn't! You're in them, too!"

They wont know its me! But they‘ll know its you with the whip!” Cecil retorted.

- They won't know it's me! But they'll know it's you, with the whip!" Cecil retorted.

“Ma’am, Sir, stop arguing, the images of your Cosplay are up already!” A Guard said.

- ... the images of your cosplay are up already!" a guard said.

“It was both of you.” said the PM

- "It was both of you," said the PM.

“A Cosplay. I was a Tonberry, she was Quistis,” Cecil said.

- cosplay (lower case)

“No please, I appeal! Can’t I get the chair!?

- "No, please, I appeal!

“No you didn’t.” Rosa said.

- "No you didn't," Rosa said.

“If it’s status-related, I have a ribbon….” Rosa said.

- "If it's status-related, I have a ribbon...," Rosa said.

From Chapter Two:

Barry noted that a characters appearance

- character's

You cannot read outwith the lines. “ Said Shallot.

- You cannot read outwith the lines," said Shallot (outwith?)

a privates marking above his forehead on his helm.

- private's

Sergeant Redshirt sat in the uniform of Female soldiers of Baron:

- female (lowercase)

Rosa swapped it to after the previous Kings designs were implemented.

- kings' (because it's a design belonging to many kings)

“Well, now what?” Asked Barry

- "Well, now what?" asked Barry.

Captain Plotline-Thrumuds squad.

- Captain Plotline-Thrumud's squad.

“Whose squads Rambo in again, sir?” asked Cordeilia.

- "Whose Squad is Rambo in again, sir?" asked Cordelia.

“Yep. He’s got more firearms than an NRA convention where only two members have arrived so far due to traffic” said Dragon.

- ...only two members have arrived so far, due to traffic," said Dragon.

“Ah Right… why does Baron appear to have Broadband Internet, Nuclear-Powered Aircraft Carriers, Televisions, and Microwaves, yet the army still has swords and stuff?” asked Barry

- There's no need to capitalise all that stuff. "Ah, right... why does Baron appear to have broadband internet, nuclear-powered aircraft carriers, televisions, and microwaves, yet the army still has swords and stuff?" asked Barry.

“Its simple. A Wizard did it,” Shallot said
“Did I?” Barry asked
“No. The truth is we just do,” Bella said
“Ah. And before you force me into the army, how dead will you make me if I ask you out?”
“97%” said Bella

- Where are all your full stops? There should be one after said, then asked, then said, then the Bella at the bottom. Also: "Ninety-seven percent," said Bella.

“Crimson Wings! We depart for the Devils Road! “ He announced.

- "Crimson Wings! We depart for the Devil's Road!" he announced. (unless you mean plural Devils, and not the road belonging to the Devil)

Ivor had already noted her sword (now real and sharp as a sharp thing that’s been sharpened) moving out of his scabbard,

- moving out of it's scabbard,

The Regiment Marched, apart from Rambo, who flew, and Barry, who stumbled.

- The regiment marched

In front of them was the Moped Man

- In front of them was the Moped Man.

“Hah! Death is but a minor inconvenience!” Said the Moped Man

- "Hah! Death is but a minor inconvenience!" said the Moped Man.

- You know, you need to go through this whole thing and check for missing full stops.

The man angrily extinguished the box, pulled out the toast, and then ate in huffily in the corner, spraying crumbs and bits of meat everywhere.

- and then ate huffily in the corner, spraying crumbs

“Oh, that one” said Cordelia

- "Oh, that one," said Cordelia.

“Who says we’re using FF rules?” Asked Dragon.

- asked Dragon.

--------------------

I had an old signature. Now I've changed it.

Well, thats all the punctation errors I know of gone, across the entire thing. So, now to start fixing the other fictions of mine that are probably riddled with more of the same errors!

But one last thing: Anyone who spots any other error I have missed repairing the punctuation and such, please point it out, either by PM, or a post here. Any little lines you think are a bit... wrong in some way, anything like that, point that out too.

Edit

Ye Doheth! Repaired the missed out ones I found again... any more anyone can find?

This post has been edited by Del S on 25th April 2005 20:35

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"Only the dead have seen the end of their quotes being misattributed to Plato."
-George Santayana

"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
-Abraham Lincoln, prior to the discovery of Irony.

There still be places lacking full stops at end of sentences, most notably in chapter 2...great stuff though, had me rofling and loling for hours!

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"Fire and steel
follow me through the lands
you will burn hordes of hell
in the deadly raging flames of revenge"

Rhapsody - Flames of Revenge