Goblin!

by Del S

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Chapter 1 (2007)	Chapter 2 (2007)	Chapter 3 (2007)	Chapter 4 (2007)
Chapter 5 (2007)	Chapter 6 (2007)	Chapter 7 (2007)	Chapter 8 (2007)

Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Defence goes round Degarden.

Orc's Drift

Orc's Drift was a farmhouse, a barn, a small church and a worker's barracks. Right now, it was a farmhouse, a hospital, and a soldiers barracks. Red-coated soldiers milled around trying to build defences, hindered by the local priest.

'Death approaches! Shall you be Kain and... And... Er, betray your best friend because you fancy his bird? Shall you be Edward and run like a little girl? One who isn't Rydia, obviously? Shall you be-' he said, only to be interrupted by a smack over the head by a staff.

'Thank you ma'am, can't have him discouraging the lads as the Goblins near...' Sergeant Bourne said to the White Mage as the Warrior dragged him off to an outhouse.

The nearest soldiers dropped their swords.

'Goblins approaching?!'

'Oh, bugger, he didn't know about the goblins did he, he was just out to piss off squaddies again,' Bourne realised.

*********

Meanwhile, Chard and Bromhead got into an argument over who was commissioned first.

'I meant January, it's a little problem I have, when I say December I mean January...' Bromhead lied

'Will your record say that?' Chard said, also lying as he picked up a folder that did not in fact contain any records, but a dictionary in case the officer encountered someone using bigger words than he did.

'Oh, all right, maybe your commission is first, but you're an engineer...'

'Well, that's what a defensive action is, really, being the better builder.'

'Not if they rush you, you spend five hundred GP on each pillbox, after 300 on a power plant, 300 on a barracks AND you don't have a refinery yet,' Bromhead pointed out

'Yes, but at most they'll have a few troops, and two pillboxes can easily handle up to five men attacking at a time, and your infantry can mop up.'

'Trouble is, old boy our MCV isn't here.'

'...Bugger. Have we got a cook?'

'Yes, he's over there heating soup.'

'With fire? Which burns things? We can't gift the Goblins fire! '

'Eh? Oh, I see, you�re going to have him pour it over the fires. Why not pour it boiling on the goblins?'

'We are not in a castle, Bromhead. Plus we do not want to give the goblins a gift of soup.'

'I see you've never tasted Cooky's soup. Lucky man...' Bromhead mused

'Oh, wait a minute, there's a polluted little stream here, we can have the men use buckets and save some soup inside for a meal during any lull in the attack,'

'Er, I really think we should... Well, use the soup, spare the men some effort

*********

The priest awoke in the outhouse, as the White Mage hijacked his hospital. He began babbling again, but the troopers were building a sandbag wall around the outhouse to shut him up, leaving only a small gap for a private to occasionally ram a sword in.

*********

'Put just over half the men on the north wall, two good lookouts on the hill, and the remaining men on the south wall. Bows and swords ready, volley fire on the NCO's command. When those goblins come, I want kebabs, lots of kebabs...' Chard said to a sergeant.

'Look, Chard, about the soup, please can we just pour it on the fire? Or set fire to it? Anything but eating it?'

'I don't see why you're so obsessed with wanting to pour it away,' Chard said, walking towards the boiling pot of soup, and taking a spoonful from a ladle. 'It's perfectly good food and can be eaten cold.'

He took a sip. He gagged.

'...However... We can't really keep that much to heat inside the defences, can we... No, best we get rid of it all, so we don't have to give small portions that will just make the men, er, hungrier...'

'Or kill them so the Goblins don't have to,' Bromhead said as they walked away from the cook.

'Bromhead, I can assure you, you were right. If that soup wound up being possibly the last meal of these men, we'd have them all stabbing themselves to death...'

*********

A few miles away...

The horde of Goblins ran like a river through the woods. Those who had not slammed into trees whooped. Those who had, burbled. All carried various blades, ranging from thin rusty daggers to short swords stolen from the corpses at the battlefield. A few carried stolen bows...

'WHOOP wooble! 'Ere we go, 'ere we go, 'ere we go!!!'

...All were batshit insane. One Goblin stood out even from the captains and guards.

*********

'That's all well and good, but when are they going to bloody well attack?!' said a private.

'Goblins attack without much warning. Apart from the foul stench they send ahead as a scout, the whooping and yelling and the clang of metal, and of course the huge cloud of dust,' said Corporal Allens

'Pfft, whatever...'

'Lo Squall,' said a voice from somewhere.

'PRIVATE BAAUER!'