CoN 25th Anniversary: 1997-2022
Guy Fawkes Day can kiss off - RIP Mom

Posted: 8th November 2016 00:58

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Black Waltz
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At about 3:00 am on Saturday, November 5th, my mother's pulse began to drop during an emergency tracheotomy required by a freak allergic reaction to an ACE inhibitor she'd been taking for her high blood pressure. The medical staff began CPR immediately, but it was ultimately to no avail.

I am crushed.

I'll miss you, mom...

"General Leo's gone...Kefka did him in..."

(Mom was a Leo, born August 10th, 1954)

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Posted: 8th November 2016 04:59

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Maniacal Clown
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Very sorry to hear this.

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current games (2024-02-19):
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finished so far this year:
Gato Roboto
drowning, drowning
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Posted: 8th November 2016 14:42

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Black Waltz
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Thanks Glen. cry.gif Its a rough row to hoe, for sure.

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Posted: 9th November 2016 14:26

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Totes Adorbs
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I saw your message come in on Steam but not until I was walking out the door to catch a plane. My condolences on your loss, I'm genuinely sorry to hear it.

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Posted: 9th November 2016 19:09

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Cactuar
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Sending all my love your way! I'm so sorry for your loss.

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Posted: 9th November 2016 21:39

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Engineer
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Really sorry for your loss, Spoon.
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Posted: 22nd December 2016 10:42

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Black Waltz
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It is now getting close to two months since Mom died. I am not doing much better about it, but I am at least stable in my mood for the moment.

When your mother passes away, you feel like the rest of humanity was only trustworthy if she said it was. Now the she's gone, you blame the rest of humanity for not working to earn your trust more, when in fact they were just doing what you signaled them you wanted them to do, and depending on your mother to establish trust between you and them. That goes for the rest of your family (if any), your friends, your co-workers, everyone in the world who was not your mother, basically.

I feel that it is not unwarranted for a person who is grieving the loss of their mother to feel at least a little like the world is now full of pit vipers pretending to be sensitive, trustworthy human beings to serve their own ends. Not unwarranted, but not totally rational either.

Long story short; I'm having to re-learn how to trust people. It's a nasty bit of business, it is.

Thank you again, you all, for your warm wishes at that time, and I wanted to let you all know that I am doing my best not to let the grief of this experience destroy me.

This post has been edited by Spooniest on 22nd December 2016 10:42

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Posted: 23rd December 2016 03:51

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Magitek Soldier
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shit sucks man. really does. It's rough and I wish I could do something to help you being one of my CoN buds but yeah. The biggest thing is to try and stay positive. Listen to upbeat music and try not to think or least dwell on it.
In my case. It's been 3 years since my mom died and I still think about her all the time. But thinking about it drags me down into depression so I talk with people like you guys, put my head to the grinding stone either with my youtube channel or work, or lose myself in a good game. Spending time with good friends or family helps too but it did require I forced myself to leave my house when I didn't want to. I've learned to really pay attention to stuff like why Yuna was always smiling in X. I learned that putting a smile on all the time has a really positive effect on people around you and tends to lead to you being more positive yourself. And also to the music I listen to. Negative music can make a depressing situation worse. I personally listen to techno remix's that have a club beat setting. I also moved to Kansas City (my home being Rapid City, SD) for a few months to be away from where it all happened and to be around family I didn't get to spend a lot of time with anymore. That did help a lot. Idk if any of that helped you and I do feel for you. It'll be a rough ride but, as Lulu said, "No matter how dark the night, the sun will always rise in the morning. And the day will begin anew." I wish you luck bud.

This post has been edited by TrueBOSS on 23rd December 2016 03:56

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Posted: 23rd December 2016 22:07

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Engineer
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Spooniest, I am very sorry to hear about your mom. I have no words to offer that can make the pain go away, but I am very glad to see that you are proactively fighting the grief. Keep fighting.

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Posted: 29th December 2016 14:35

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Black Waltz
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If you'd like all my cards upon the table, here's a post. If you are not comfortable, I offer to bear you no ill will if you wish to stop reading it.

I have had trouble with a very serious problem all my life. It's simple: I can't accept reality.

That's a giant problem for any sentient being! If you don't accept reality itself, what can you accept!?

So, the roots of it were originally that I found reality boring. My imagination was a whole lot more fun, so I just lived there. Unfortunately, my advancing age and mental development (along with disciplines and obligations I was being taught to fulfill) caused me to leave my imagination behind.

I learned a skill: music. I attempted to use it to provide for my well-being. I was unable to do so. It was traumatic. I changed from not accepting reality out of boredom to not accepting reality out of fear of pain.

This was a much worse problem. Boredom is temporary; pain is constant. You are always in some form of pain from the moment you are born until you pass away. If you cannot accept pain, you are in trouble.

The first thing i learned in ... let's say "self-preservation counseling" cry.gif was that the choice to continue existing or not is often accused of being a selfish choice that is motivated by a desire to leave your problems to other people to deal with. That is not what it is, and it is a self-serving thing to say to someone who has encountered that choice.

The reason someone wonders whether to continue existing or not is that they are faced with an unbalanced set of scales. Pain is outweighing Coping.

Pain must be relieved; once it is severe enough, you cannot exist without relief. So when Pain is outweighing Coping Abilities, then a person's thoughts shut down and they start to seek relief only, at any price imaginable.

This is the reason that accepting painful reality is important to have to do. I apologize if it frightens you, readers. That is the life I live.

So, to accept a painful reality, I decided that I needed to work out the logic of it.

I discovered that my mistake is asking my imagination to confirm reality for me; that is not what my imagination is for. The burden of proof that reality exists does not rest upon my mind; it rests upon reality itself. I don't need to prove to myself that reality exists; it does.

So, a better question than "Is this real or imaginary" is "Does this seem real?"

If it seems real, it probably stands to reason that it is. Further analysis is a waste of time and energy.

So, applying that to my current situation, I have from the moment I heard my Dad's voice say my name on the phone (that was all it took for me to know what had happened), I have formed an agreement with myself that I would now begin to exclusively accept reality on these above terms.

Put clearly, I no longer feel it is productive to speculate on reality now that Mom's gone. I have wasted enough time in my life and put my family through enough grief in my quest to be certain of reality.

It does not mean I'm giving up my imagination or blocking any memories out (I don't do those things, I can't see why people want to). I am simply going to prioritize reality above those things.

Thank you for reading, and for all your FF6-based love and support.

Returners, this is Bannon, fare thee well.

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Posted: 2nd January 2017 00:02

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Engineer
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Spooniest, I unfortunately don't have anything insightful to say, but I just wanted to let you know that I did take the time to read through and understand your post. I am glad you know your weaknesses and are accepting reality. After all, this strange life is all we have.

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Posted: 2nd January 2017 00:32

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Crusader
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My condolences spooniest.Its always tough to lose the ones we are closest to.

I have nothing to compare it to except when my grandfather died, which was years ago.It was painful, but seems that the more years that pass, the less painful it is, although its nothing compared to the loss of a mother/father/sister/brother/child/uncle or wife/Husband.

I can also understand you don't want to go down into depression either, as that is a pretty self destructive path.



This post has been edited by Magitek_slayer on 2nd January 2017 00:41

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Posted: 7th January 2017 12:27

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Black Waltz
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Dear Lola,

I am writing to beg for your forgiveness. I am guilty of perpetuating a terrible lie. Your boyfriend, whom you thought was in Mobliz, died some time ago. I have been writing in his stead.
We, as humans, tend to allow the past to destroy our lives. I implore you not to let this happen.
Now it is time for you to embrace life, and learn anew to celebrate love.
You have so much of life left to live...

~ Cyan Garamonde

This post has been edited by Spooniest on 7th January 2017 12:28

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