Printable Version of Topic
Click here to view this topic in its original format
Caves of Narshe Forums > Site Submissions > FF6 Fanfic: The Balance and Contrast of Y&Y


Posted by: Frozen_Aura 27th January 2007 08:18
Read updated story here

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3417349/1/The_...of_Yin_and_Yang

Posted by: MogMaster 27th January 2007 09:00
I really like it. It's a good way to do an opening introduction. You can almost see the stereotypical train scene, where the character is absently staring out the window, having a soliloquy.

The first person narrative is a bold one, too. I also detect some small foreshadowing already, which if done this early, can be good.


Posted by: Frozen_Aura 29th January 2007 08:49
deleting old version

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 4th February 2007 00:20
..

Posted by: Del S 4th February 2007 17:22
This is pretty good. Well written, multiple viewpoints, and doesn't seem like it's going to pull any punches. Just what I like.

One small niggle, though, a part of Chapter 2.

Quote
Sabin laughed as he took a sip of Arrowny’s finest. “Yep. Those kids never cease to humor me, though they are not quite kids anymore. Not like when we first met them anyway”. He abruptly stopped laughing and looked over at me. “Oh sorry. I forgot. The talk of kids is not an easy subject for you, considering that you miss your own.”

I sipped my drink and returned his concerned look. “Sabin. Talk of children is fine. But referring to those I once took care of as ‘mine’ is what I want to avoid. They are not my children and they never were. For me to call them such was simply the result of my emotional clinginess and neediness. I realized that when that man showed up


The dialgoue there seems a bit laboured and too formal for a conversation, especially one involving Sabin.

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 4th February 2007 21:35
Thank you for the insight, Del S.

How do you mean to laboured and formal? Sabin changed his tone and put on a serious face when he thought that he was bringing up a subject to Terra that she was really sensitive about. Terra's response was simply matter of fact, and when she answers, she is reminded of her own mistake, that being her once referring to the orphans as hers.

How would you better phrase this section to get the same point across?

Again, thank you for your words. I always like it when comments and critques are specific.

Posted by: Del S 4th February 2007 22:24
Perhaps laboured is the wrong word, but the lack of contractions and the to-the-point aspect of the sentences makes it seem unusual for a conversation.

I'd write it like this:
Quote

Sabin laughed as he took a sip of Arrowny’s finest. “Yep. Those kids never cease to humor me, though they're not quite kids anymore. Not like when we first met them anyway.” He abruptly stopped laughing and looked over at me. “Oh sorry. I forgot.Talk of kids isn't easy for you, since you miss yours.”

I sipped my drink and returned his concerned look. “Sabin, talk of children is fine. But calling those I once took care of  ‘mine’ is what I want to avoid. They're not my children, and they never were. For me to call them that was just because of my emotions.





Posted by: Frozen_Aura 9th February 2007 08:54
''

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 14th February 2007 03:11
''

Posted by: MogMaster 14th February 2007 04:22
Nothing to suggest, just keep up the good work. smile.gif

Posted by: Del S 14th February 2007 17:23
Pretty much what MG said I'm afraid. This is now getting very intresting and I hope it keeps going.

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 14th February 2007 20:40
Thanks Mogmaster and Del S. I do intend to surprise readers with development of both the world and the characters(some more so than others).

I have also thought of doing some fanart to accompany this fanfic.

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 3rd March 2007 07:50
''

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 3rd March 2007 08:06
''

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 25th March 2007 05:59
''

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 25th March 2007 06:16
''

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 25th April 2007 08:49
''

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 25th April 2007 08:56
''

Posted by: MogMaster 25th April 2007 09:59
I'm still reading, anyhow. I sort of laughed at Fuckupo. laugh.gif

That Cyan speech is a killer. It's so hard to use the correct vernacular when writing his lines. That's partially why I try to minimize his usage in my own fics.

Edit
Edit: 1600 posts? God. Who knew I had 1600 posts worth of opinion in me.

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 22nd June 2007 04:43
''

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 22nd June 2007 04:52
''

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 11th August 2007 21:23
''

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 11th August 2007 21:36
''

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 11th August 2007 21:40
''

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 11th August 2007 21:42
And here are the bonuses. Their content should speak for itself.

user posted image

user posted image

Posted by: MogMaster 12th August 2007 00:35
Oh, that was awesome. I eagerly await the next installment. Also, the monster pictures are a nice touch.

Posted by: Dragon King 12th August 2007 02:32
Ooooh boy things are just getting even MORE interesting along the way. I agree the pictures are fantastic as well. More please smile.gif

Posted by: DR FF DS 19th October 2007 20:27
I eagerly await the next chapter. you are an awesome auther. I have eveen bookmarked this topic, and go back here everyday. i love reading ffvi fanfic ^^_ ^^ I like the turtle monster pic, but honestly, i didn't like the other humonoid pic as much. .6ish on the 0-.9 scale for the humonoid, and a .79 for the turtle. qiute good, that gst. the humanoid seems like it is missing something, besides the face, like i don't know, chest spikes, or something. I am no artist. I have evaluated myself as an author, and i can tell, that i pretty much suck at descriptions of any kind, inlcuding making characters, but i am pretty good at evaluating things and characters. your characters are WAYYY too realistic, it's kinda creepy, and the monsters, i can imagine perfectly. I applaud your efforts, and i give you a thumbup.gif thumbup.gif thumbup.gif thumbup.gif thumbup.gif (5 thumbs up)

EDIT: Could you clarify all of the names that you used? the Sayitroyey thing, the Y'Tyihy'yu thing, and the Reshand thing? something like that. i think that the first one is the name of the planet, the second one, a house design, anf the third, i completely lost. Basically all the names that weren't in the game, besides the characters, and the mining facility Shedidarah. what are the places that you named?!?!

Posted by: DR FF DS 19th October 2007 21:09
I got it! small half-foot spikes on tops of shoulders, and the same on his palms, so when he stabbed with his palms, the opposition got a double trident attack, with 8 claws, thrown in, as well. he he he, i can imagine him stabbing with his pams, digging his claws in, then rotating his hand so the horn on the wrist would peirce the skin, while the claws and palm spikes woulod only go in deeper, causing extreme pain, (maybe add immediete effect numbing poison to spikes), and probably leaving the victim to die a slow and painful death, as the victim bleeds to death. fun to watch, but not experience. You are good at drawing tentacles, they look so natural on such an unnatural creature.

Moderator Edit
Sigh, that's twice you've violated the spam rule; I don't think you read the forum rule as I asked you to before. -R51

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 20th October 2007 06:55
Quote
Could you clarify all of the names that you used? the Sayitroyey thing, the Y'Tyihy'yu thing, and the Reshand thing? something like that. i think that the first one is the name of the planet, the second one, a house design, anf the third, i completely lost. Basically all the names that weren't in the game, besides the characters, and the mining facility Shedidarah. what are the places that you named?!?!


You are right about the first one. Sayitheren is the name of the planet. And the mining base is Shedairah.

However I am unclear on the other two you are mentioning. Could you maybe copy a sentence that uses them? Also, what else are you curious to know?

Also, how are my characters 'too realistic'?

Posted by: DR FF DS 21st October 2007 02:15
Quote (Frozen_Aura @ 20th October 2007 06:55)
Quote
Could you clarify all of the names that you used? the Sayitroyey thing, the Y'Tyihy'yu thing, and the Reshand thing? something like that. i think that the first one is the name of the planet, the second one, a house design, anf the third, i completely lost. Basically all the names that weren't in the game, besides the characters, and the mining facility Shedidarah. what are the places that you named?!?!


You are right about the first one. Sayitheren is the name of the planet. And the mining base is Shedairah.

However I am unclear on the other two you are mentioning. Could you maybe copy a sentence that uses them? Also, what else are you curious to know?

Also, how are my characters 'too realistic'?

Here are waht confused me:
Quote
The majority of the first floor appeared to be one large training room. The ceiling hung low on the room’s periphery, giving the feel of a standard one-story building. In the center of the room the ceiling was raised up. Green marble pillars that were mainly cylindrical save for their square bases stretched up to the low ceiling just before the point where it shifted up. A similar gray marble made up the room’s floor, and some large dark red carpets were laid about on its center. Cushioned benches lined the walls, and a few tables and chairs were placed in front of them. A chandelier much like the ones I’d seen the day before in Figaro Castle’s entrance hall hung down from the raised-up part of the ceiling, while less fancy light fixtures hung from the ceiling’s lowered parts. The brown painted walls held a number of framed pictures. Folding blinds served as curtains over the windows. Taking in all the elements of the structure simply reinforced the conclusion I’d arrived at already just from seeing the dojo’s exterior design.

The place was modeled much after traditional Jrysthovuhn architecture.

You’ve never heard of Jrysthovuh? Well I can’t say I really blame you. It’s not exactly a place of common knowledge. Given their history, it only makes sense that they’d cautiously seal themselves away from the rest of the world. Not that they were totally reclusive. They’d often leave their own territory and visit the many places outside their domain, and they even had a few of their products sold by merchants of other towns. I think their most well-known and often-peddled creation was some form of ninja weapon, edges or scrolls. I didn’t recall specifically what they were.

and
Quote
I took his hulking paw. “Terra saved you and then you save my brother.” His words could mean just one thing in regards to his identity. “Sabin?” I asked, though I knew the answer before he nodded. “That’s me. Sabin Rene Figaro, fellow Returner and friend of Terra’s. I’m also her blitz teacher.”“The blitz?” I said with a small hint of recognition as Terra walked up beside him.“You study it too?” He asked.“Well, sort of. I am more familiar with the metal aspect than the physical one.” It was true. I only knew bits and pieces about the blitz art. I obviously knew more about the Ts’aosra’iy. Than again, the Ts’aosra’iy makes references to the blitz more than a few times. “Well now that you’ve had you little moments of fame, what are you going to do next?” Terra asked, as if she was thinking of something, most likely introducing me to the rest her Returner crew. There would be a time for that.

Also, Raqnger 51 those two posts were about completely different subjects. its like trying to write a one paragraph essay about donuts, and then going off topic to video games. it's just like that only in this case in would my art opinions, and my story confusions. but sorry anyway. I also roflmaool (Rofl-lmao-lol) at FUCKOPU!! as i reread the story. could you also clarify the ts'aorsa thing. reshend/jrysthovuh? not too different, especially after watching Naruto Rasengan that weapon guy who had lost to Gaara. that was last episode of Naruto first series. not really a spoiler as it had been out for a year now. as in oct 2006 japan. us will come out 2009, probably. sorry about getting off topic, its just that i love naruto ^-^ (my youtube account is jiinchurikiNaruto0 or jinchuurikiNaruto0... don't remember. i love naruto the anime... and Hyuuga Hinata... wub.gif
also, do you mean "Mental", not "metal" for the blitz aspect thing.
the character are realistic becasue i believe if thuer past had happened, they would turn out this way, and act like this. i can just imagine this actually taking place if you take out the ff6-ish stuff and replace it, like the monster with a tank, the humanoid monster with a guy with knives and calver plate, and the beige moth with a tribesmen wiht a dartgun. and kefka and gesthal as powercrazy napoelans, and hitlers. in oppoosite respectve order as napolean/gesthal and kefka/hitler. it is all really beleivable it is actually kinda creepy...
(< _ <) (> _ >) ... unsure.gif unsure.gif
Sorry for such long post... also what is the warn thing wuith 5 bars and what does 20% mean? i think i should be scared... not really sure. scared anyway...
Edit
nevermind. i read the forum rules, becasue i have finished my homework! got to go to my grandpa's birthday, my mom and stepdad's anninvesery, and my brithday, party at this resteurant soon. so i may not be able to respond tonight. edited on the 21st

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 21st October 2007 04:10
''

Posted by: DR FF DS 21st October 2007 04:22
Quote (Frozen_Aura @ 21st October 2007 04:10)
Okay,

To answer your questions, Jrysthovuh
Possible spoilers: highlight to view
is a place of some sorts.
Now for the Ts'aosroa'iy, you'll just have to wait and see biggrin.gif

As far as reshend goes, I have no recollection of that one. It must have been a typo.

And yes, I do mean 'mental' for the blitz, as in mental concentration.

no reshend is what i thought jryshovah was called becasue i had watched naruto use rasengan, so i got confused... so would some other people in my place... i don't say you because i don't know you and you might have perfect recall and i wouldn't want to offend you...
[COMPLAIN][WHINE]I don't want to want to wait... post soon![/WHINE][/COMPLAIN] roflmaool

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 29th October 2007 23:30
''

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 29th October 2007 23:38
''

Posted by: Del S 30th October 2007 02:30
Gripping stuff. Good blend of action and dramatic scenes, and the original characters are intresting. That end of the chapter was a nice reveal IMO.

Posted by: MogMaster 30th October 2007 03:05
Brilliant! The plot grows ever more intricate

Posted by: DR FF DS 31st October 2007 21:26
You could make a novel out of this, and I would buy it! By God, you are an even greater author than JK Rowling! This is amazing! Is it possible to do a fanfiction of a fanfction of a game? I would much rather make a fanfic of your story, than to make one of just ffvi. Your writing is amazing!

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 18th December 2007 19:20
''

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 18th December 2007 19:28
''

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 31st January 2008 01:06
''

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 31st January 2008 01:12
''

Posted by: DR FF DS 3rd May 2008 22:56
Hmm... Interesting so far. I feel for the girl. I have read that being raped is one of the most mind-scarring things possible. So I'm glad that Qaurjaeda punished him. It was a long chapter... But, I don't really get what happened when Sdalsya clenched her hands and when she opened them, her palms were bloody (This was pre-slaughter). Also, I'm glad Ruqojjen succeeded this time in freeing and saving the people. But could you explain this a little bit better?
Quote
Normally, I’d be able to keep up with the others. My augmentation gave me enhanced speed and agility, and I was physically healthy for a sixteen-year-old girl. But I had the lowest stamina of our group. I was already tired from both the early morning wake-up and our trek through the woods. Though my augments provided me with a very special tongue, enhanced durability, reflexes, and to a lesser extent physical strength, it did not increase two notable characteristics; my stamina and my breast size.


Augments... As in FFXII's Augments using the License Board? Could you explain this system a bit better?

laugh.gif at the stuff in bold

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 5th May 2008 23:05
''

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 5th May 2008 23:15
''

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 1st August 2008 21:14
''

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 1st August 2008 21:22
''

Posted by: Del S 2nd August 2008 21:59
I'm getting the idea that these leaks of information and characterisation on Ruqojjen and his group are foreshadowing the upcoming clash. They're becoming steadily more brutal, maybe just as bad as their supposed enemies. I can't help but wonder how much of what little we know of their supposed goals and ideals are lies.

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 1st October 2008 20:30
''

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 1st October 2008 20:37
''

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 13th March 2009 06:03
''

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 13th March 2009 06:08
''

Posted by: Sandyboots 15th March 2009 01:13
Been reading your fanfic for quite a while but haven't had the chance to comment. I'll try to be short.

I'm glad you're continuing this after that evil cliffhanger, not that I mind evilness, keep them coming.

I was skeptical about Leonard at first, well written ocs that play a large role in a history are hard to find, but you managed to do it; Leonard is part of the gang now, he just fits.

Concerning Terra, I noticed a change in her character, frankly I like her more this way. My favorite part of the whole thing is her yelling at Locke for acting overprotective (he had it well deserved in my humble opinion).

And Charise, she can keep up with Edgar quite well XD, I like her. Sarge is also among the notable ocs.

About this chapter, you captured and expanded Zozo very “nicely”. Oh and call me sick, but, Buck's severed arm tangled in the cord was an awesome detail.

I'm looking forward to reading more of this story, until now I don't know what the hell is going on... in a good way.

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 16th August 2009 21:43
''

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 16th August 2009 21:48
''

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 7th December 2009 01:32
''

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 7th December 2009 01:45
''

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 3rd March 2010 23:50
''

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 3rd March 2010 23:57
''

Posted by: NinjaRageBeam 15th May 2010 19:42
good stuff Figaro[opera by Rossini]
I wish Figaro move near the edge of the desert.
One side desert the other plains and forest

Mog and the everyman jeweler
Narshe's Narshean does it for me[if we have Narshe music that would be nice]

whenever I think of FF6
I wanna envision the skies of endless clouds
fill with different airships,
fighting against all odds

those who posses Meteor and Ultima
are the Alpha and Omega

Setzer and Daryl are together


Posted by: Frozen_Aura 4th June 2010 04:25
''

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 4th June 2010 04:39
''

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 4th June 2010 04:48
''

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 23rd August 2010 20:31
''

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 23rd August 2010 20:40
''

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 24th October 2010 16:26
''

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 24th October 2010 16:30
''

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 18th December 2010 22:03
''

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 18th December 2010 22:22
''

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 15th February 2011 22:51
''

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 15th February 2011 22:58
''

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 24th March 2011 19:30
''

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 24th March 2011 19:35
''

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 19th May 2011 22:41
''

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 19th May 2011 22:45
''

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 22nd June 2011 22:20
''

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 22nd June 2011 22:24
''

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 25th July 2011 23:36
''

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 25th July 2011 23:40
''

Posted by: Frozen_Aura 28th August 2011 21:42
Story updated. For all subsequent updates, go to the revised, reader friendly version here

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3417349/1/The_...of_Yin_and_Yang

Powered by Invision Power Board (http://www.invisionboard.com)
© Invision Power Services (http://www.invisionpower.com)