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I try to stay upbeat online. I don't want to ruin anyone's good time.

But I'm a violently depressed person. Sometimes it just seems like the whole world is just waiting outside my bedroom to kick me in the teeth.

Without getting too much into specifics, suffice it to say that I feel like crap most of the time and it's not getting better. If anything, it's getting worse as I age.

So here's what I'm doing about it, posting a thread in general topics about depression. Nobody likes to talk about it until it's happening to them, and it's difficult even then. If you or someone you love have ever suffered from depression, go ahead and share your woes. Maybe it'll help you feel better. I dunno if talking about it helps me or not but it might help someone.

The short version: Spoony is sad all the time, and cares about your feels.

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X is blue.

I hope I actually get out of this semester with a respectable degree at best if not an A+... I don't want to really think about it, considering that mom wants me to show my best, but, it seems this semester is holding me back.

I'm afraid of one specific subject. I hope not to get affected by it.

What makes you feel depressed?

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I am Exdeath. Step aside pesky clowns, or your warranty is Void!

I feel alienated from the human race at large. I have few friends who stay super busy, and don't really have much of a relationship with my family anymore. I suffer from high functioning schizophrenia which has caused some rather terrifying hallucinations and periods of delusional thinking in the past. I'm kind of overweight and am utterly disillusioned with music, which I've spent the better part of 20 years pursuing.

I have no money, and if I did, I'd be very tempted to drink copious amounts of alcohol in an attempt to somehow numb myself to the frustration I have about life in general. It never works, but for some reason I never stop trying.

I could go on...

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X is blue.

The last week of November my car - the only way I can make my commute - dies and I have to find a replacement within two days or lose my job.

The replacement takes an additional $1000 of repairs over the next month.

Within two days of the repairs being completed, I'm told I'm being evicted.

Within one day of being told I'm being evicted, my cat gets sick.

Oh aaaand I'm 35 years old working two minimum wage jobs with $800 to my name as of right now.

This thread's appearance could not have been more timely had that been the actual goal...

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Arts

Farts

Twarts

I have always been depressed. There are many factors.

The human condition, mortality, society, money, desire, etc...

I think it is somewhat normal to feel depressed, or to be depressed.

But I have always maintained that no matter how depressed I am, I am still happy as well. I don't know how I balance the two, honestly and yes I do think you can be chronically depressed but still happy, since depression isn't the same as unhappiness.

I hope that isn't difficult to understand because to me it makes sense.

But you aren't alone, that's for sure. And I don't think any pill makes depression better, honestly. That stuff messes with your brain chemicals and doesn't really fix depression it just pumps you full of things that alter your way of thinking. Of course, some people are content with that and make it work for them but that is so personally dishonest that I cannot respect a person who pops a pill to stop "depression".

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I feel alienated from the human race at large. I have few friends who stay super busy, and don't really have much of a relationship with my family anymore. I suffer from high functioning schizophrenia which has caused some rather terrifying hallucinations and periods of delusional thinking in the past. I'm kind of overweight and am utterly disillusioned with music, which I've spent the better part of 20 years pursuing.

I have no money, and if I did, I'd be very tempted to drink copious amounts of alcohol in an attempt to somehow numb myself to the frustration I have about life in general. It never works, but for some reason I never stop trying.

I could go on...

Oh man...you crept into my head there. Okay, I'm not schizophrenic and I have never had a hallucination but replace the alcohol part with marijuana and mushrooms and acid and MDMA and yeah....

I don't have the drugs to sort it out...


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oElIw0sFktc

This song makes me feel happy, and what a great live performance.

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Dynamic Threads (Youtube)

No one loves me regardless of what I do or say. Because I denied myself as a woman I've had to reinvent myself countless times making me wonder what my personality is or could been. I feel like I'm slipping and don't think I wanna live anymore.

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I treasure those who I love that love me in return. <3

I've been there.

My nephew became a woman last year, and she got super drunk at my sisters Christmas party. It's a very tough world to cope with for those who do not conform to what some grand consensus of asshats decided was "normal" at some point in history.

I shudder to think of what happened to the first people to discover music.

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X is blue.

I'm getting older single still and not a single closer to my dream.
Disillusionment of getting older sucks as things change and not looking forward to being 40 or 50.

There is also truth in the fact children want to get older because they think it's cool and they can have money and make their own rule living in a day dream where that is only partly true.The reality however is different:Children have it easy.All they have to do is play with their friends and do a little bit of homework or a lot more when they are in universities, but it's immensely harder being an adult.Imagine how hard it would be to get a good job if you couldn't read? Then you have to worry about car payments your house payments loans and if you have any illnesses the stress already on top of being ill in whatever way is having not enough money if your in the us to paying the bill.Imagine your mother has ms and can't work and you have to pay for it, not fun.I am lucky not to have that problem and Europe has cheaper medicine than the us which a lot of times is overpriced.On top of that:You won't have nearly as much time to play video games as a kid, and when you get even older you will wonder if you have the same interest and dedication as you did as a kid.

Usually I try to be happy which I am.

T p

This post has been edited by Magitek_slayer on 24th January 2016 09:55

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We are stardust.Our bodies are made from the guts of exploding stars.

Neil Degrasse Tyson.

I've been struggling with anxiety and depression since I entered university, so I know how you feel... I recommend trying antidepressants, and more importantly, going to see a counselor. It can help you to cope with your situation better. Good luck out there.