I'll start off. This one's long, but worth it.


So there's this trout swimming in a river. It sees this big juicy mosquito flying around. So the trout says, "As soon as that mosquito gets close enough to the top of the water, I'm going to jump up and eat that mosquito."

But there's this bear, sitting on the side of the river. The bear sees the trout and says, "As soon as that mosquito gets close enough to the top of the water and the trout jumps up to get it, I'm going to lean over and swat that trout."

But there's this hunter, sitting in a blind on the opposite side of the river eating a cheese sandwich. The hunter sees the bear, mosquito, and trout, and he says, "As soon as that mosquito gets close enough to the top of the water, and the trout jumps up to get it, and the bear leans over to swat the trout, I'm going to set down my cheese sandwich and shoot that bear."

But there's this mouse, sitting behind a bush near the hunter. The mouse sees the hunter and says, "As soon as that mosquito gets close enough to the top of the water, and the trout jumps up to get it, and the bear leans over to swat the trout, and the hunter sets down his cheese sandwich to shoot the bear, I'm going to run out and eat the cheese sandwich."

But there's this cat, this old, old cat, probably the oldest cat alive, sitting behind a tree. The cat sees the mouse and says, "As soon as that mosquito gets close enough to the top of the water, and the trout jumps up to get it, and the bear leans over to swat the trout, and the hunter sets down his cheese sandwich to shoot the bear, and the mouse runs out to eat the cheese sandwich, I'm going to pounce on that mouse."

So eventually this all happens. The mosquito gets close to the top of the water, the trout jumps up and eats the mosquito, the bear leans over and swats the trout, the hunter sets down his cheese sandwich and shoots the bear, the mouse runs out and eats the cheese sandwich, and then the cat goes to pounce on the mouse. Unfortunately for the cat, it's really old and totally misses, falling in the river.

What's the moral of the story???









It takes a lot to get an old pussy wet.



--------------------

This post has been edited by Neal on 23rd January 2004 19:40

--------------------

OK, there's a German, a Chinese man, and a Redneck sitting at a bar. The German begins to beep. Puzzled, the Chinese man and Redneck look over to the beeping German.
The German sais, "Oh, it's just my beeper. I had one embedded in my hip so I never lose it."
After a while, the Chinese man begins to ring. The German and Redneck ask what's ringing.
The Chinese man puts his hand up to his ear and says, "Hello?" He later explains that he, like the German, had a cell phone surgically put inot his hand for quick access to calls.
The Redneck runs to the bathroom. He exits and takes his seat next to the Chinese man and pulls a piece of toilet paper out of his ass. "Look, guys! I'm getting a fax!"



--------------------

OK, so there's this priest, a pro wrestler, a a turkey vulture, and a famous actress that walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"

Here's a better one:
A panda walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. After he finishes his sandwich, he stands up, pulls out a shotgun and gets the place all shot-up, then turns to go. Right before the panda leaves, the bartender says, "Why did you do that?" The panda turns around a says, "I'm a panda. Look me up in the dictionary", and then exits the bar.
The bartender pulls out a dictionary and looks up "panda". The dictionary entry for "Panda" says:
"Eats shoots and leaves."

--------------------

A surgeon is on his last patient after a long day. He's just preparing to stitch up the man's leg, and turns over to his assistant to ask for the tools.

When he turns back, though, the patient is slowly opening his eyes, coming out of the drug-induced sleep too early. He looks around for a moment, then looks at the tools in the doctors hand, and shakes his head.

"Wait a minute doc. There's something I've always wanted to do," he says.

"Oh? What's that?" asks the doctor.

"I wanna sew myself up. I'm a tailor, I can handle it," says the man. The doctor looks to his assistant, then back to the patient, and shrugs, handing him the proper tools.

"Fine," says the doctor. "Sutch yourself."

--------------------

The teacher told the children to ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral. The next day she asks for volunteers.

Maggie says: "My parents own a chicken farm. They bought eggs and were already counting all their future profits when most of the lil' chicks died."
"What's the moral of that?" asks the teacher.
"Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"Very nice, who's next?"

Stan said "My parents also have a chicken farm and they bought eggs, and were already counting the profits they'd have when all the chickens would have hatched, grown to hens and layed their eggs when most of the eggs turned out to have little cockarells in them instead of little hens."
"What moral comes form this?"
"Not only hens hatch from eggs, miss."

Little Johnny raises his hand and yelss "ME! NOW ME! ME! ME-ME-ME!"
The teacher thinks 'OHMYGOD', but lets Johnny tell his story.

"My great-uncle Frankie, fought in the Second World War, the British dropped him behind enemy lines on a parachute for sabotage, but the wind was strong, so he was going to land in the middle of the Germans' camp. Uncle only had a bottle of booze, a knife and an automatic pistol with a hundred rounds with him. He unbuckled his chute, so he'd fall faster, drank the booze, so it wouldn't go to waste, shot about 50 Germans shooting at them before he was out of ammo, slit about 150 with his knife before it broke and had kill off the rest by kicking them to death. After he cleaned out the entire camp of Germans, he left for the nearest allied camp."

The teacher, all shook up, says: "That's a beautiful war story, you told us there, Johnny, but where's the moral in that?"

"That's exactly what I asked my dad when he told me the story. He then sat down in his armchair, looked at me and said:
*NEVER PISS-OFF UNCLE FRANKIE WHEN HE'S STONED.* "

Ar!

--------------------

This one's a bit long and contrived, but I've always liked it.


Three men arrive at an emergency room in critical condition, but there's only one doctor and he can only help one of them. So he asks each in turn what happened to him, in order to try and find out who needs his melp most.

The first one starts complaining "I got fired and had to head back to my appartment early, and when I get to the door I hear my wife yell 'Quick Hide! It's my husband!' So I burst through the door in a rage, yelling 'Where is he!' but my wife denies that she was with anyone. So I'm running through the rooms, trying to find him, and suddenly I see him, he's hanging off my balcony in his underwear! So I run out there, take the hammer from my toolbelt, and start hitting his hands. He begs me to stop, but I keep going until he falls off the balcony, down three stories, and hits the pavment. But he survives! So I run back in, heft my freezer, and throw it down on him, but I fall off in the process, and hit the pavment as well, next thing I know I'm here." The doctor is very suprised at his story, but thinks to himself "That's pretty bad, but these other guys look like they've had worse."

He walks over to the other guy, who then starts in "I'm up on my balcony, doing my exercise in my undies, you know sweat'n to the oldies and all, when I slip and fall two floors, but I grab the balcony rail below! I thought I was saved, but suddenly this crazed guy runs out and starts hammering my hands! I begged him to stop, but I guess he didn't appreciat my trespassing. I can't hold on, and I fall to the pavment below. Again, I just barely survive, but suddenly I see this freezer falling towards me, then I woke up here." The doctor looks at his injuries, and thinks to himself "Those are very bad injuries, but this third guy looks in a lot of pain."

The doctor asks the third man what happened, and he starts in "So I was hiding in this freezer...."

This post has been edited by Iain Peregrine on 19th January 2004 05:57

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender: Do you have any bread?
Bartender: No sorry we don't.
Duck: Do you have any bread?
Bartender: No
Duck: Do you have any bread?
Bartender: NO!
Duck: Do you have any bread?
Bartender: FOR THE FOURTH TIME NO!
Duck: Do you have any bread?
Bartender: Ok..If you ask once more I'm going to nail that bloody beak of yours to the door!
Duck: Do you have any nails?
Bartender: No
Duck: Do you have any bread?

Movies, books, and videogames they canned at the drawing board!

Movies
Saving Private Funding
Bogzilla (a nuclear-mutated toilet destroys Newark)
Deficator
Deficator 2: Laxative Day
Deficator 3: The Flush of the Machines
The Wowd of the Wings (Starring Jonathan Woss as Fwodo Baggins)
The Wowd of the Wings: The Two Towews
The Wowd of the Wings: The Weturn of the Ming
The Matrix: Rehashed
Store Wars: The Phantom Lettuce
We were Shoplifters(starring WInona Ryder)
Store Wars: Attack of the Clowns
Store Wars: A Total Dope
Store Wars: Security Strikes back
Store Wars: Return of the Birdseye
The Fudgitive
Apocalypse Next Tuesday
Man-Spider
The Incredible Sulk
James Bond: Lawnraker
A Clockwork Tangerine
The Lord of the Rings: The return of elvis
A Streetcar with no Tyres
Apokeofcrisps Now
The Wing (a tape of Wossy that if you watch, you want to make him die within 7 days)
The Sound of (rap) Music
A Fridge too Far (starring Pavarotti)
Austin Powers on: Fire
Resident Eejit
Resident Eejit: Apokeofcrisps
Final Fantasy: the SPirits within the bottle beign drunk by whatever muppet forgot the bl dy CHOCOBOS!!!
The Firth Element
Ned Runner

BOOKS
The Nun of all Beers
Harry Pothead and the Philsophers stoned
Dirty Harry Potter and the Six chambers of death
Harry Pothead and the Pensioner of Azerbaijan
Harry Pothead and The Goblins on Fire
Harry Pothead and the Order of the Pizza
Execution Orders
Pride in Prejudice (BNP book award winner 2003)
War Yes Please (Voted 'best book' by The President of the United States, George W. Bush)
The Colour of Mushrooms
Catch £20 quid
Interview with the Vampire (Tony Blair)
Gone with the Wind (sponsered by HEINZ beanz)

Videogames
Final Fantasy: No for real, its the last one!
Gran Theft Auto: Blackpool (so much for gran beign sweet: she just carjacked a copper!)
Mental Queer Squalid
TimeSkitters
Warhammer 40,000: Fired Warrior- a Space Marine joins a dole queue in this thrilling FPBR (First Person Bin raider)
Chimpy-on-ship Manager- sail a boat load of monkeys to the Chinese factory where they will be killed for their fur!
Command and Conker: Tiberian Bun
Plopship
Red Fraction
Violent Dope
Granny Tursimo
Min Payne
Tony Hawks Pro Neckbreaking simulator
Tomb Radier: the cashin of Darkness
Sole Halibut
Fekkin
Onnatoilet
Devil May SKive
Medal of Honour: Blimey, a 'U'!
ISS Amatuer
Jakey and Daxter
Crash Fiesta
Half Pi**ed
The Sims: MP add on pack
Pokemon Cap (lightgun + pokemon = predicatble '18' rating)
Tim Crisis (save Tiny Tims christams dinner from Scrooge by shooting the beggar!)

This post has been edited by Del S on 19th January 2004 15:37

--------------------

This is my favorite joke in the world. Warning: It's dirty.


Q: What did the leper say to the whore?

Timmy: How many kids with ADHD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


Andrew: I don't know, how many?


Timmy: HEY! Wanna go ride bikes?



------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Two muffins were baking in an oven.


Muffin 1: Oh boy, it's so hot in here.

Muffin 2: AAAAAHHHH! A talking muffin!


--------------------

(read this out loud)
TV guy: hello you were in the second world war right?
polish war vet: yus i was fighter pilort
TV guy: could you tell us some more about this
Polish war vet: well one day we were flighting partroll over london and four of the fockers came over to the south so we flew round and my buddies thay kill two fockers but the other two kill them one fligh into karl and other shoot andre's engine so i shoot the focker in the cockpit he splater all over glass.
TV guy: i think i should point out that a fokker is a german war plane.
Polish war vet: yes but these fockers were messerschmits

--------------------

how did michael jackson get food poisoning?



why did michael jackson call boyz II men?



what time does michael jackson go to bed?



what do michael jackson and k mart have in common?



whats the difference between michael jackson and a grocery bag?



how does michael jackson pick his nose?




its just too easy to make fun of some people...

--------------------

What's Michael Jackson's favorite sandwich?



Ahh I love jacko jokes. And for all you Michigan fans:


How many U of M football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?



Two MSU fans and a Michigan fan are walking to the big game when they see a dead body behind a bush. They walk closer and examine the body, it's a naked beautiful woman. The two MSU fans take off their hats and put one over each of her breasts, and the U of M fan takes off his hat and puts it over her crotch. They call the police. 5 minutes later a cop comes, takes down their information, etc. The cop then examines the body. He picks up the one MSU hat, looks, replaces it, then picks up the 2nd MSU hat, looks, replaces it. He then picks up the U of M hat, looks, and has a confused look on his face. He puts the hat back, then picks it up and looks again, still looking puzzled. He puts the hat back and picks it up again a third time and again has a troubled look on his face. By this time the Michigan fan is getting a little irritated and says, "what the hell are you doing, are you some kind of pervert?"

The cop replies, "Nah, it's just that usually when I look under a Michigan hat I see an asshole."





--------------------

To all you Boston red socks fans (like me):

Whats the difference between a yankee's stadium hot dog and Fenway Park Hot dog?



whats black and white and red all over?



Disgusting and slighty disturbing jokes up ahead:

How many babies does it take to paint a room?



Whats funnier then a dead baby?



whats funnier then a pile of dead babies?



whats the difference between a BMW and a pile of dead babies



Sexist jokes ahead (the following jokes do not represent the views of this poster, they are just extremly funny):



ok i'm done

This post has been edited by Elena99 on 22nd January 2004 15:29

--------------------

I likes this one, generally cuz' it's believable...

Mmmm............. not really got any non-sexist jokes at the moment... except...

What's the basic differrence between a mailman and a zombie?



--------------------

Little Timmy is sitting in class when the teacher calls on him. "Timmy," she begins. "If there were 3 birds sitting on your fence, and you shot one of them, how many would be left?"

"Well, none, Miss Smith, cause the rest would fly away," Timmy answers.

"Actually, the answer is two," she says," but I like the way you're thinking."

"I've got a question for you Miss Smith," Timmy says.

"Certainly," the teacher replies.

"If three women were sitting at an ice cream parlor, and one woman was biting her cone, one was licking her cone, and one was sucking her cone, which one of them is married?"

"I guess the one .......sucking her cone?" The teacher answers nervously.

"Actually, its the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

Copied from e-mails sent to me:

I asked the children in my Sunday School class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?" "NO"! the children all answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven"? Again, the answer was "NO"! "Well," I continued, "then how can I get to Heaven?" In the back of the room, a 5 yr. old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead"!!!

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a motorcycle when he spotted a well known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motor cycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So, Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered to the mechanic ... "try doing it with the engine running!"

[the following specially dedicated to the CoN nerds]
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid-term.The answer by one student was so "profound" the
professor shared it with his colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of
course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. BONUS QUESTION: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. However, one student wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing over time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that, if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that, "in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume in Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added." This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in Hell, the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "that it would be a cold day in hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.
The student received the only "A" given.

A surgeon, an engineer, and a lawyer were arguing about which profession was the oldest.The doctor said, "Well, on the fifth day of creation, God took a rib from Adam, so surgery is the oldest profession."The engineer said, "But, before that, God created the heavens and the earth from chaos, so engineering is the oldest profession." And the lawyer said, "Yes, but who created the chaos?"

[LAME PUN PARTY ALERT!!!]
A good pun is its' own reword
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Dockyard: A physician's garden.
Incongruous: Where bills are passed.
Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.
Pasteurize: Too far to see.
Propaganda: A gentlemanly goose.
Toboggan: Why we go to an auction.

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon Network!"

When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled
out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he spread the
animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter. "What are you
doing?" his Mom asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is
broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."


New England Wind Chill Temperature Conversion Chart

75 degrees F: Southern Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in New England sunbathe.

60 F: New Yorkers try to turn on the heat. People in New England plant gardens.

45 F: Italian & English cars won't start. People in New England drive with the windows down.

32 F: Distilled water freezes. The water at Moosehead Lake in Maine starts getting cooler.

20 F: Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, and wool hats. People in New England throw on a flannel shirt, buttons open.

15 F: New York City landlords finally turn up the heat. People in New England have the last cookout before it gets cold.

0 F: All the people in Miami die. New Englanders close the windows.

10 below zero: Californians escape en masse to Mexico. Girl Scouts in New England sell cookies door to door.

25 below zero: Las Vegas disintegrates. People in New England rummage around the attic to find some winter coats.

40 below zero: Washington DC runs out of hot air. People in New England let the dogs sleep indoors.

100 below zero: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Some New Englanders are frustrated when they can't start their "kahs".

460 below zero (absolute zero on the Kelvin Scale): All atomic motion stops. People in New England start saying . . . "Cold 'nuff for ya?"

500 below zero: Hell freezes over. Red Sox win World Series.

--------------------

For Auburn fans:

1) What's Auburn stand for?
A) Alabama Usually Beats Us Round November

For Neal:
1)How do you get a Purdue cheerleader into your dorm room?
A)Grease her hips and push like crazy.

1)Why does Gene Keady only play 14 holes of golf?
a)Because he can never get to the Final Four.

1)Four alumni were climbing a mountain one day. Each was from a different Big Ten school and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans. As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all.

They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top, the Wisky grad hurled himself off the mountain, shouting, "This is for Wisconsin! Go Badgers!" as he fell to his doom.

Not wanting to be outdone, the Illinois grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for Illinois! Let's Go Illini!"

Seeing this, the IU grad walked over and shouted, "This is for everyone!" and pushed the Purdue grad off the side of the mountain.

1)Why is Mackey Arena such a good place to watch basketball?
A)No championship banners to block your view.

1)There were 3 basketball players, one each from IU, Notre Dame, and Purdue, standing on a burning roof in Indianapolis. The fire department came with a blanket and yelled to the Notre Dame player to jump. He jumped and they moved it to the right. He hit the sidewalk with a splat. They then called to the IU player to jump. He said that he wouldn't jump. They said they liked IU better than Notre Dame. So he jumped and the fire department moved the blanket to the left. The IU player hit with a splat on the sidewalk. Then they called to the Purdue player to jump. He said that he wouldn't jump. The fire department said they hated IU and Notre Dame. He yelled back and said, ''Lay the blanket down, and then I'll jump..."

OK...enough of my Purdue bashing.

These jokes were taken from an IU site.

Go Rebels!

This post has been edited by @Ss@Ss!N on 7th February 2004 07:55

--------------------

A man walks into a bar (why does it seem all jokes start off like this?) and asks, "Whose pit bull is that out front?"
"Its mine, what's it to ya?" grunts a man
"Well," the man answers, "it seems my dog just killed your dog."
"Bull!" the guy snaps, "what kind of dog do you have?"
"A chihauhua," the man replies
"Oh yeah right," the guy says. "How exaclty did my pit bull get killed by this chihauhua of yours?"
"He choked on him."

--------------------

Kinky joke:

[Spoiler}Why do some women fake orgasms?
Because their men fake foreplay. [/Spoiler]

--------------------

Why couldn't the bicycle get up?



ohoho I'm hilarious

I am sorry i guess its not that funny



This post has been edited by Neal on 12th February 2004 03:32

--------------------

A man goes to see a movie. During the film he notices that a man has brought his dog along to watch - and what's more, the dog is laughing and crying in all the right places. The film finishes and the man walks over to the pair.
"I couldn't help but notice your dog laughed at the funny lines and cried at the sad parts in the movie," the man says, "it's incredible."
"I can't believe it either," the dog owner says. "He hated the book."

--------------------

Hours after the end of the world, a border dispute emerged between heaven and hell. God, all mighty, invited the devil for conversations to find a way to resolve this dispute quickly. Satan, the devil, proposed a soccer game between heaven and earth. Adonai, always fair, told the devil, 'the heat must be affecting your brain, the game would be so one sided, don't you know all the "good" players go to heaven?' the devil, smiling, responded 'yeah, but we've got all the refs'.
****
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them suddenly falls and passes out, the other hunter thinks he's broken his neck and died.

Luckily his friend has a cell phone along with him so he calls 911 and tells the woman what happened.

-"First of all you have to make sure he's really dead."

"BANG"

-"Ok, now what?"

***

A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live
monkeys on board, bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time. He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an Irish lorry driver pulls over.

"Where they going?" asks the Irish chap.

"Do us a favour mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me" says
the driver, "and here's a hundred quid for your troubles."

"Happy days," says the Irish fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck and gets on his way.

The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the motorway, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him down again.

"What are you playing at," he fumes, "I told you to take them to
Chester Zoo!"

"I did," says the bemused Irish fella, "but there's still fifty quid left so now we're going to Alton Towers."

***

and for fairness...

***

A Scottish man was at a baseball game.

It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat
quietly. The first batter approached the plate, took a few
swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet
screaming "Run, Run!"

This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The
Scottish man was now excited and ready to get into the game.

The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire
called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The
Scotsman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run
ye basstarrd, rrrun!"

Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scotsman, extremely
embarrassed, sat back down. A friendly fan, seeing the
Scotsman's embarrassment, leaned over and said, "He can't run -
he got four balls."

The Scotsman then stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride,
man...walk with pride!"



--------------------

Come on guys, more jokes. They make meh laugh!

Anyway, this one's a bit on the rude side, but not as rude as some I've seen. You have to read it out loud, or you probably won't get it.

What do you do if you come across a lion?



--------------------

Here's a Cricket joke.

England.



Excuse the shortness of it, but its true XD

Night. Mrs Jones is in bed with another man. She hears someone outside the door flipping keys.
She immidietaly gets up and pulls her lover to the kitchen.
Before he can even say "What the..?!?" she pours an entire jar of honey on him, runs to the room, comes back with a pillow, rips it apart and pours the feathers on him.
"Now pose, and don't move a muscle!" she orders.
Mr Jones enters at the exact moment she finishes that sentence.
"What are you doing?" he asks calmly.
"I was just going to pour myself some juice, I was thirsty..."
"Oh...and what's that...THING?"
"Well, you know, he he, there's this gallery downtown and Marge Smith got her a fancy modern sculpture so I got myself this one, too..."
"Oh...pour me some juice too, okay?"
"Have mine, I'm not thirsty anymore..." Mrs Jones pours a glass leaves for the room.
Mr Jones drinks the juice, looks at the sculpture, pours another glass, walks up to the sculpture and says:
"Here you go buddy, they didn't even give me a glass of water at the Smith's..."

--------------------

Heres a Rugby joke:
Scotland

(also short, also true)

but the other joke i found is dreadful....


(to the tune of 'Rock DJ')
Iraq DJ

Me with the Air Force
You with a navy
Planes in the sky
and the targetings lazy
put up your hands if you see Americans
can i surrender? (yes you can!)
i got (training)
you got (massacred)
we shot everybody!
weve cruise missiles
miss the target by a mile
and make a million dead bodys!

The red cross back in buissness
can i.. get a UN inspection team
99% ameri-can!
Houston watches TV
as the Marines kill ye
need no permission to invade your land!

I Just Bombed Iraq! DJ!
Cos we want a good oil price!
when we gonna stop, DJ?
cos we boming in day and night!

Screaming in terror
war on schmerror!
find no bombs
sacked cabinet ministers
have a proper search, we'll be quite polite
but when we do arsekicking,
we kick the arse Right!
you got no bombs we attacked the wrong land
we should have bombed a diffrent body!
weve got more, so why didnt we attack oursleves?
we got enought nukes ot wrecka clestial body!

i dont need the UN
i'll just listen to Prosseferos Leinstr-em
even thought hes a sock,
on the end on a general hand, this is how a US war's planned, to invade a forgein land!
I Just Bombed Iraq! DJ!
Cos we want a good oil price!
when we gonna stop, DJ?
cos we boming in day and night!

Land wars aint easy
yer own allies shoot you, every time
land wars aint easy...
but if you say they're armed, its alright!
I Just Bombed Iraq! DJ!
Cos we want a good oil price!
when we gonna stop, DJ?
cos we bombing in day and night!



--------------------

I've got two that you can tell friends.

1) Two midgets walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

This one really needs to be done in person, as the punchline is physical
2) "How does every racist (or ethnic or sexist, what you use is your perogative) joke start?"
At this point look cautiously once to each side, as if looking for a kind of person that may be offended by a racist/ethnic/sexist joke.

--------------------