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FFVI fan fic New Evil Approaches (chp 2 posted)

Posted: 7th May 2008 03:03

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This is Mainly my first fanfic ever. i hope you all enjoy it. This is a 7 or 8 part series. I have 3 chapter now written and you'll get 1-2 a week.
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Final Fantasy VI: A new Evil approaches.

“Locke! Locke! Wake Up!” Celes Shouted.

Locke awoke from his calm sleep, and looked over at Celes who was wearing her usual white dress, she looked as beautiful as ever, but although beautiful, dangerous when upset.

“Celes, Hon, it’s too early to wake up, what’s wrong?”

Celes walked over to the bed and yanked the sheets out from under Locke so hard that he fell on his back onto the floor.

“It’s Time to visit Terra!” She nagged.

Locke sighed and wished magic hadn’t disappeared from our world, he could cast Silence and get her to shut it for 20 minutes. He got dressed in his blue attire, of jeans and vest, and they soon set off from Kohligen, luckily Setzer stayed just a few towns over in Jidoor.

As they arrived, they saw the Airship docked near the water.

“Good” Locke said, “this will make traveling so much easier.”

They walked to Jidoor’s Pub and saw Setzer playing poker with a commoner.

“Ace High Flush, Fork it Over” they heard Setzer mockingly yell.
“You got lucky again you bastard” said the man, as he presented Setzer with a new part of the airship.
“Next time don’t be such a bad bluffer….Celes! Locke!” Setzer yelled.

“Good to see you again Setzer” said. Celes
“Yea, How’s my Wing Edge you stole from me treating you?” Locke said as he glared.

Setzer laughed and walked out of the pub with the two, as all three talked about what has happened in the past year.

“Time’s are peaceful, much to be won and lost.” Setzer said.

“Setzer, would you mind giving us a ride to Mobliz?” Celes said sweetly.
“Going to visit Terra?” Setzer smirked.
“Of course, We haven’t seen her since Mobliz was rebuilt”
“I don’t think she’s there though.” Setzer said.
“Well where would she be?” Celes spoke as her words drifted off.. Remembering what day today was.

“Today was the day Leo died…” Locke said sadly. “That bastard Kefka did him in 3 years ago today.”

They all looked at each other and nodded as they walked to the dock of Jidoor and climbed into the airship. On the way, Setzer, Celes, and Locke talked of old times, heading towards Thamasa.

The ride was peaceful until about midway when a bump knocked everyone off their seats.

“What the hell was that??” Celes shouted.

As soon as she spoke, the pilot of The Falcon ran into the small room,

“Setzer! There’s a….A…..A THING Attacking the ship!”

They all ran to the deck of the ship and saw what looked like a skeleton with partially ripped wings, flapping it’s wings easily keeping up with the speed of the ship.

“Hey Locke…remember that wing edge I won from you?” Setzer said coyly.
“Yes I remember, The item you stole from me” He said not breaking eye contact with the creature.
“Yes….well, here, I always keep it on me” he said as he handed it to locke,

As he handed it to him, The creature dove towards the deck of the ship and swiped at Celes.

“CELES!” Locke yelled.
“Relax Locke, unlike you I came prepared!” She said after she had jumped back and unsheathed her sword.

Locke looked over at Setzer and nodded as the creature cam back around towards the deck, as it dove locke jumped onto it’s back and stabbed the creature in the back, as Setzer dug into his trench and shot three darts into it’s eye.

The Creature screamed in pain as it backed away from the ship, regrouping itself

“FIRAGA!!!”

The sky opened up and a burst of flames shot from the sky directly onto the creature as it’s limp body fell into the ocean.

A pink glowing human figure emerged from the bottom of the ship and landed on the deck. And fell to it’s knees. As the glow slowly faded Terra slowly arose and looked over at the three.

“Terra! But how?” Celes looked at her.


Terra walked over to Celes, and looked at her,

“Someone has re-opened the gates” she said.

Locke, Celes and Setzer and Terra looked at each other.

“Looks like we’re heading to the Sealed Gate” Locke said. “I must admit, this is gonna be exciting.”

This post has been edited by syn2184 on 7th May 2008 18:25

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"Do you know what happens to a giant when it's blasted by a fireball?.....Same Thing as everything else!"

- Black Mage from 8 bit theater.

Currently Playing: FFVI GBA
Just Beat: FFV
Favorite Game: FFIV
Favorite Char: Locke
Best Weapon: Atma Weapon
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Posted: 7th May 2008 08:07

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so far sounds exciting (hehe...locke) and it would be awesome if there was some way to post this via a PDF or something...also so that future long chapters dont scroll on and on (Future update?)

Anyways, i digress. Sounds great, and i cant wait to read what happens next!

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Posted: 7th May 2008 17:31

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Quote (DrkMagimaster282 @ 7th May 2008 09:07)
so far sounds exciting (hehe...locke) and it would be awesome if there was some way to post this via a PDF or something...also so that future long chapters dont scroll on and on (Future update?)

Anyways, i digress.  Sounds great, and i cant wait to read what happens next!

No. Text into the message body is a format everyone can upload and read. Besides, that's not scrolling on and on. In fanfic terms that's actually quite a short chapter. Now, as for scrolling on and on, look down...

Quote (syn2184 @ 7th May 2008 04:03)

Final Fantasy VI:  A new Evil approaches.


The first thing becoming apparent here is you're being very inconsistent with capitalisation. New and Approaches both should be capitalised as part of the title here like they are in the topic title.

Quote
“Locke! Locke! Wake Up!” Celes Shouted.

Again, capitalisation. Up and shouted don't need it. Celes and Locke do because they're names, and Wake does, because it is the start of a sentence.

Quote
Locke awoke from his calm sleep, and looked over at Celes who was wearing her usual white dress, she looked as beautiful as ever, but although beautiful, dangerous when upset.

Small query: why is this her "usual" attire now? People who played the game would see her usual clothing as either a yellow jumpsuit (CG and design art) or a bathing suit (Sprite and manual art)

Quote
“Celes, Hon, it’s too early to wake up, what’s wrong?”

Hon should be hon, capitalisation once more.

Quote
Celes walked over to the bed and yanked the sheets out from under Locke so hard that he fell on his back onto the floor.

“It’s Time to visit Terra!” She nagged.

Here, time and even she should not be caps. If it's part of speech followed by a he said/she said, any punctuation in there is basically a comma IIRC.

Also, you don't seem to be using its/it's correctly. "its" is the possessive adjective and possessive pronoun form of the personal pronoun it whilst "it's" is a contraction of "it is" or "it has" (Text partially yoinked from Wikipedia). In this case, it's its.

Quote
Locke sighed and wished magic hadn’t disappeared from our world, he could cast Silence and get her to shut it for 20 minutes. He got dressed in his blue attire, of jeans and vest, and they soon set off from Kohligen, luckily Setzer stayed just a few towns over in Jidoor.

Typo in Kohlingen.

Quote
As they arrived, they saw the Airship docked near the water.

“Good” Locke said, “this will make traveling so much easier.”

Good needs a comma after it.

Quote
They walked to Jidoor’s Pub and saw Setzer playing poker with a commoner.

In this sentence, you could simply say "the pub" and get away with it as anyone would know it is the pub in Jidoor.

Quote
“Ace High Flush, Fork it Over” they heard Setzer mockingly yell.
“You got lucky again you bastard” said the man, as he presented Setzer with a new part of the airship.
“Next time don’t be such a bad bluffer….Celes! Locke!” Setzer yelled.

You've got capitalisation errors again here, plus each line is supposed to be a paragraph when it comes to speech.

Also, I note that you're using something with auto-correct in it to write the story. Is there any chance you can disable it from using smartquotes (Curved quotes and apostrophes like “,” ‘ and ’ instead of " or ' , as well as putting special characters in place of some things, for example an elipsis (...) becomes a single character (…) which apart from not working properly when uploading it to the site, looks odd when the elipsis is at the end of a sentence and therefore needs 4 dots....

Quote
“Good to see you again Setzer” said. Celes
“Yea, How’s my Wing Edge you stole from me treating you?” Locke said as he glared.

Every Speech Mark a Paragraph and also an errant full stop in "said. Celes"
Quote

Setzer laughed and walked out of the pub with the two, as all three talked about what has happened in the past year.

“Time’s are peaceful, much to be won and lost.” Setzer said.

There should be a comma instead of a full stop after said. Also, it should just be Times, an apostrophe there indicates a contraction, but there's no contraction there that makes sense AFAIK...

Quote
“Setzer, would you mind giving us a ride to Mobliz?” Celes said sweetly.
“Going to visit Terra?” Setzer smirked.
“Of course, We haven’t seen her since Mobliz was rebuilt”
“I don’t think she’s there though.” Setzer said.
“Well where would she be?” Celes spoke as her words drifted off.. Remembering what day today was.

Paragaph, a full stop after rebuilt, comma after though, three dots in an elipsis,

Quote
“Today was the day Leo died…” Locke said sadly. “That bastard Kefka did him in 3 years ago today.”

They all looked at each other and nodded as they walked to the dock of Jidoor and climbed into the airship. On the way, Setzer, Celes, and Locke talked of old times, heading towards Thamasa.

The ride was peaceful until about midway when a bump knocked everyone off their seats.

“What the hell was that??” Celes shouted.

One question mark, or an exclamation mark in place of one of the spares (?!) to show surprised confusion. Fun fact: "?!" or "!?" is called an Interrobang.

Quote
As soon as she spoke, the pilot of The Falcon ran into the small room,

Full stop there, not a comma.

Quote
“Setzer! There’s a….A…..A THING Attacking the ship!”

Two too many dots in the second, one too many in the first elipsis.

Quote
They all ran to the deck of the ship and saw what looked like a skeleton with partially ripped wings, flapping it’s wings easily keeping up with the speed of the ship.

“Hey Locke…remember that wing edge I won from you?” Setzer said coyly.
“Yes I remember, The item you stole from me” He said not breaking eye contact with the creature.
“Yes….well, here, I always keep it on me” he said as he handed it to locke,

As he handed it to him, The creature dove towards the deck of the ship and swiped at Celes.

Paragraphs, The in "the item" should not be capitalised, me should have a comma after it, one dot too many in the elispsis after yes, me should again have a comma, the in The creature again should not be capitalised.

Quote
“CELES!” Locke yelled.
“Relax Locke, unlike you I came prepared!” She said after she had jumped back and unsheathed her sword.

Paragraphs, she should not be capitalised. Also all caps for shouting is redundant when an exclamation mark and "he yelled" does the job.

Quote
Locke looked over at Setzer and nodded as the creature cam back around towards the deck, as it dove locke jumped onto it’s back and stabbed the creature in the back, as Setzer dug into his trench and shot three darts into it’s eye.

An e missing at the end of came, Locke should be capitalised the second time, repitition of back is redundant: it is obvious where ever Locke is stabbing it, will be the back so remove "In the back" from the fragment, i think the word "coat" may be missing after Trench.

Quote
The Creature screamed in pain as it backed away from the ship, regrouping itself

Unless "The Creature" is it's name, capitalisation is not needed. If it is, every case where it has been called creature is therefore wrong.
Quote

“FIRAGA!!!”

The sky opened up and a burst of flames shot from the sky directly onto the creature as it’s limp body fell into the ocean.

A small niggle that has no real bearing on the story or grammar, but I hate the "shout out the attack name" convention. But you're free to use it if you wish.

Also, it's once again. It's not it's it is its.

Quote
A pink glowing human figure emerged from the bottom of the ship and landed on the deck. And fell to it’s knees. As the glow slowly faded Terra slowly arose and looked over at the three.


It's is back, and you can merge "...landed on the deck, and fell to its knees." into once sentence and it's less clunky.

Quote
“Terra! But how?” Celes looked at her.

Terra walked over to Celes, and looked at her,

Full stop after her.

Quote
“Someone has re-opened the gates” she said.

Comma after gates. Also, Terra seems rather abrupt here.

Quote
Locke, Celes and Setzer and Terra looked at each other.

“Looks like we’re heading to the Sealed Gate” Locke said. “I must admit, this is gonna be exciting.”

Comma after gate and said.

On the whole, you have some good ideas and this could be something good, but right now you suffer from errors abound and also somewhat poor and unrealstic dialogue. I suggest you read through some of the fanfics already up on the site, especially those of the Final Fantasy 6 section for pointers in how to improve.

Any questions to me about anything I've mentioned, like the auto-correct and smartquotes, just drop me a PM.

This post has been edited by Del S on 7th May 2008 17:34

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"The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here..."
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Posted: 7th May 2008 17:53

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Chapter 2 is more proper grammar wise, I rushed through the first chapter, but i'm posting 2 today. 3 is coming out on Friday. I fixed the dialogue issue, it's more....active i guess. I didn't like my dialogue in the 1st chapter either, it seemed linear and boring, but i think a small improvement was made.

This post has been edited by syn2184 on 7th May 2008 18:04

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"Do you know what happens to a giant when it's blasted by a fireball?.....Same Thing as everything else!"

- Black Mage from 8 bit theater.

Currently Playing: FFVI GBA
Just Beat: FFV
Favorite Game: FFIV
Favorite Char: Locke
Best Weapon: Atma Weapon
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Posted: 7th May 2008 18:08

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FFVI: A New Evil chapter 2

The group arrived at the sealed gate after walking through the once Imperial base which now was desolate and untouched in 3 years. After a short trip through the cave they arrived at the opened gate

“Who could have done this?” Terra said as she flung her hair back over her ear.

Terra walked across the rickety bridge to the massive gates and peered inside, she did not feel the power of the espers, she was unsure if it was because they were gone or because her human side was full.

“Let’s go” She said with a stern face, The others nodded and walked towards her when a shout came from the area where they had entered.

“Not without me!” The voice cockily stated.

Relm ran into the cave and caught up with the group, with a familiar moogle and a dog tailing behind her.

“Papa’s waiting outside he said he didn’t feel like coming in.” She said cheerfully.

Interceptor barked as she and Mog walked over to Terra and looked her over.
“Grandpa said he felt a disturbing presence at the sealed gate, so Mog, Dad and I decided to check it out.”
“Relm…ah screw it we can’t stop you anyway” Locke said as he laughed and looked over to Terra “You ready to do this or what?”

“Mog, you wait here with interceptor and make sure no one comes through this gate okay?”
“Kupo!” Said Mog as he salutes and stands at the foot of the bridge.

So the 5 warriors ventured into the gates as it closed shut on them. They wandered through a seemingly endless cave, further in they had found a narrow walkway and a light which proved to be an exit, when Locke looked over at Terra.

“When did the sealed gate return anyway?” He said as he looked down over the dark black pit which he was crossing.
“I’m not sure, but after the three statues were defeated and the Tower of Judgement collapsed the statues were in there correct standing places” She said as she reached the end of the walkway. “The world basically pulled itself back together.”

As they exited the cave they came to an empty village, the grass had died, Terra looked at the sky which had become a dark orange, almost as if the world they knew had re-morphed from her world to the world of the espers, the sight was truly bone chilling.

“Wouldn’t this be the esper village from the War of Magi?” Celes said as she turned to Terra. “Where your mother was pulled through the gates?”

Terra nodded keeping her head forward, she could feel a small force emanating through the air, as if something was trying to stay alive. As she ran past a few huts, she saw a small fairy like esper crawling towards them. Terra kneeled down and saw it’s wings were cut and a deep gash was on her arm, had she have not been so beat up she would be gorgeous.

“What happened here?” Terra said calmly for fear of startling the creature
“Are…are you humans?” The fairy spoke as if her words were fading. “Please, get out while you can…he’ll be back…for..more…”

The small esper had gone limp, Terra shed a tear and closed the little fairy’s eyes, she slowly stood up and looked over to Relm and the others.

“Someone is here murdering and harnessing espers” Terra said sadly as she walked over to Locke.
“Kefka? Gestahl? Who??” Setzer said as he clenched his fists and punched into a hut. “The world was finally at peace, who would dare disturb such a balance again?”

As Setzer spoke, the ground began to shake violently, Relm and Celes and had fallen, while Locke, Terra and Setzer held onto bolted down objects near-by.

“Th….that power!” Terra screamed “It’s Inhuman!”
“MELTDOWN!” shouted a deep voice from the distance.
“NO!!!” Terra felt a force push her back as Locke stood in front of her and crossed his arms.
“LOCKE NO!! YOU’LL BE KILLED!!!” Terra screamed as Locke pushed her behind one of the huts.
“TERRA! GET THE OTHERS BY YOU!” Locke Yelled.

Terra quickly nodded and pulled Celes and Relm behind the hut. Locke screamed in agony as the blast ripped through his body, the massive heat rose to higher temperatures, before the spell ended Locke’s body had gone limp, only standing because of the spell.
Locke had collapsed on the ground his body still smoking, his clothes were either burned off or charred. The burns on his body made him nearly unrecognizable.

“You fools think you can stop me again?” A familiar voice cackled. “Not when I am more powerful than I once was” It stated as it started laughing manically.

“Kefka!” All of them shouted at once.
“You fools really think you killed me? All I did was a vanishing act. Who do you think brought the tower down?” Kefka stated. “And now you fools will perish! MELTDOWN!”

The heat was again starting to rise, Terra and the other looked over at Locke.

“We can’t just leave him here! But he’s too powerful!” Setzer yelled above the spell. “RELM! Do your Sketch!”

Relm had just awoken to Locke collapsing; she nodded and quickly sketched a portrait of Kefka.

“MELTDOWN!” screamed the copy

The wave had stunned Kefka as he halted the spell and tried to block it, within this time, Setzer had grabbed Locke and hoisted him over his shoulders, they all ran towards the cave just as the spell had ended. They quickly crossed the ledge and ran through the cave eventually to the gate which had closed on them.

“Any ideas?” Setzer said as he tried to catch his breath.
“Push you big oaf!” Said Relm as she began to push against the gate.

The 5 of them began to push against the solid stone that consisted of the gate and little by little it opened, the sound of granite on granite giving them the slightest amount of Hope.

As they pushed, they heard the cackle of Kefka echo through the cave into their ears.

This post has been edited by syn2184 on 7th May 2008 18:28

--------------------
"Do you know what happens to a giant when it's blasted by a fireball?.....Same Thing as everything else!"

- Black Mage from 8 bit theater.

Currently Playing: FFVI GBA
Just Beat: FFV
Favorite Game: FFIV
Favorite Char: Locke
Best Weapon: Atma Weapon
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Posted: 7th May 2008 18:19

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There's no need to make a new post for every chapter. I will merge the two for you.

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Posted: 7th May 2008 18:24

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oh...ok sorry. lol

--------------------
"Do you know what happens to a giant when it's blasted by a fireball?.....Same Thing as everything else!"

- Black Mage from 8 bit theater.

Currently Playing: FFVI GBA
Just Beat: FFV
Favorite Game: FFIV
Favorite Char: Locke
Best Weapon: Atma Weapon
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Posted: 8th May 2008 02:13

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Ok, it looks like im going to be taking over for laz with the gramatical errors...

Quote
Terra walked across the rickety bridge to the massive gates and peered inside, she did not feel the power of the espers, she was unsure if it was because they were gone or because her human side was full.

You have one mess of a sentance here. What you're saying is all good, but you need to divide it into multiple sentances. There's just too much that you're trying to say to make it all fit into one sentance. Think about what you want the reader to know, and then try to group it into more concise sentances that deal with one occurance at a time. For instance, you could have your first sentance say how Terra approached the gates and looked inside, while a second sentance could describe how she was unsure whether or not there were no espers or because she was unable to detect any.

Quote
“Kupo!” Said Mog as he salutes and stands at the foot of the bridge.

This is an issue of tense. "Said" is in the past tense, as is the rest of your fic so far, but then you wrote "salutes and stands" in present tense. You just need to change that to "saluted and stood"

Quote
So the 5 warriors ventured into the gates as it closed shut on them.

The English language has a ton of funny rules about numbers. Here's a few of them:
--When you need to write a number less than ten, spell it out
--When you need to write a number more than ten, write it numerically.
--When you write numbers in a series where the majority are less than ten, then spell out all the numbers, even if some are greater than ten.
--When you write numbers in a series where the majority are greater than ten, then write the numbers numerically, even if some are less than ten.

Quote
They wandered through a seemingly endless cave, further in they had found a narrow walkway and a light which proved to be an exit, when Locke looked over at Terra.

Again, you're just trying to say too much in one sentance. Divide it up like above and you'll be fine.

Quote
As they exited the cave they came to an empty village, the grass had died, Terra looked at the sky which had become a dark orange, almost as if the world they knew had re-morphed from her world to the world of the espers, the sight was truly bone chilling.

This is probably the biggest problem in your writing. You really mess up your sentance structure. One easy way to help prevent sentances from looking like the examples above is proofreading. Once you're done writing a chapter, allow it to sit for 24 hours. Then come back and read it all through, one sentance at a time. For EACH SENTANCE, ask yourself questions like these: Does the sentance flow? Does it make sense? Does it say what I want it to say? Is there a better, clearer way I could say this?

Quote
Terra kneeled down and saw it’s wings were cut and a deep gash was on her arm, had she have not been so beat up she would be gorgeous.

Laz mentioned this in his last post as well. When you want to use "it" as a possessive, like this sentance, then use "its" without an apostrophe. Use an apostrophe "it's" when you want to say "it is". This is a really easy mistake to make grammatically, but fortunately it's also one of the mistakes that microsoft Word actually notices.

Quote
“TERRA! GET THE OTHERS BY YOU!” Locke Yelled.

You're a big fan of capitalization aren't you? "Yelled" should be lower case.

Quote
Locke screamed in agony as the blast ripped through his body, the massive heat rose to higher temperatures, before the spell ended Locke’s body had gone limp, only standing because of the spell.

Another run-on. Divvy it up, make everyone happy. You could easily start a new sentance at the word "before", though you will still need to edit both halves.

Quote
“Not when I am more powerful than I once was” It stated as it started laughing manically.

Insert a comma after was (but before the quotation mark), and change "It" to lower case.

Quote
The wave had stunned Kefka as he halted the spell and tried to block it, within this time, Setzer had grabbed Locke and hoisted him over his shoulders, they all ran towards the cave just as the spell had ended.

I'm really hammering this, but if you change all these run-on sentances you will find the readability of your paper quadruple. Again, start new sentances when you talk about something different, and instead of simply seperating things with a comma, look at the sentance and think: Is this a comma splice? Do I need a conjunction here?

Quote
The 5 of them began to push against the solid stone that consisted of the gate and little by little it opened, the sound of granite on granite giving them the slightest amount of Hope.

Ok, remember that numbers under ten are spelled out as words, while numbers over ten can be written numerically.
Also, you have another random capitalization. "Hope" needs to be written in lower case.

If there's any questions with my clarity on any of this, or just any questions in general, please ask.

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Most Recently Beat : Elder Scrolls: Skyrim
Favorite Game : Final Fantasy X


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Posted: 8th May 2008 07:01

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I enjoy writing but i never did well in english...

--------------------
"Do you know what happens to a giant when it's blasted by a fireball?.....Same Thing as everything else!"

- Black Mage from 8 bit theater.

Currently Playing: FFVI GBA
Just Beat: FFV
Favorite Game: FFIV
Favorite Char: Locke
Best Weapon: Atma Weapon
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Posted: 8th May 2008 15:25

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Well I gotta say, this is good, but if you could try to do it with few capitilazation errors and extended sentences, then i'd say it would be even better.

I'll be honest i even have mess ups in the few fanfics i made on here

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Posted: 8th May 2008 15:43

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Dude on a Walrus
Posts: 3,944

Joined: 16/10/2003

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Celebrated the CoN 20th Anniversary at the forums. Member of more than ten years. Major involvement in the Final Fantasy VI section of CoN. Major involvement in the Final Fantasy V section of CoN. 
Member of more than five years. Third place in CoNCAA, 2005. First place in CoN Fantasy Football, 2005. Has more than fifty news submissions to CoN. 
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Quote (Death Penalty @ 7th May 2008 21:13)
Ok, it looks like im going to be taking over for laz with the gramatical errors...

While my grammar fascism is well-documented and my mother is a professional copy editor, that was Del, not me, who did the word surgery last time. Credit where credit is due.

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Post #166699
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Posted: 9th May 2008 01:46

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LOGO ZE SHOOPUF
Posts: 2,077

Joined: 9/6/2007

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Celebrated the CoN 20th Anniversary at the forums. Member of more than ten years. Vital involvement in the Final Fantasy IX section of CoN. Voted for all the fanart in the CoNvent Calendar 2015. 
Voted for all the fanart in the CoNvent Calendar 2014. User has rated 300 fanarts in the CoN galleries. Vital involvement in the Final Fantasy VI section of CoN. User has rated 150 fanarts in the CoN galleries. 
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Quote
that was Del, not me, who did the word surgery last time. Credit where credit is due.

whoa, sorry about that. pinch.gif hats off to Del then, and, uh, a twinky for laz. just because.

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